My Reflections

My Reflections

toki	:: 2005 9 December :: 3.10am GOD FUCKING DAMN IT! I'm a fucking mess. I don't even know why. Plus, I'm tired of drunk people. I just want to sleep. who said that?

mudpiegrl

:: 2005 4 December :: 12.59am

have you ever been walking up the stairs and you forget that there isnt a step...so you prepare for one...and sort of lunge forward because of surprise and then upright yourself, and look around to make sure no one's looking?

Read more..

who said that?

mudpiegrl

:: 2005 3 December :: 1.24am
:: Mood: gloomy
:: Music: skindred

I PASSED CLEP ON WEDNESDAY! woo no english classes...but six credits!!!

am a little worried about doing well in school, because dad will be angry.

justin's so frustrating. i have half a mind to not even talk to him anymore, but then it would hurt too much...but maybe just not to talk to him for a bit, but then he'd be angry.

but he wants me to be him...not to be me. that's frustrating too. why cant i be hyper or sad when i feel what i do? why does he critisize everything i and everyone else do?

no one has ever inspired me to do so much artwork when i think about them. in fact, whenever id done it before, it was to give to them, not in reminisence of them. the hand picture, a poem, a descriptive story, a painting...that isnt soemthign that anyone has made me do before.

how is someone so controlling so appealing?

its sad how ridiculously infatuated i am with him. and yet, everytime he tells kristen to get over stunkel, i cant help but wonder if he's really talking to me.

i dont know ama take a bath. g'night

who said that?

Anytngbtordinary

:: 2005 2 December :: 11.30am

So I feel like being creative but its hard because laziness is over-powering my creativeness. Damn.

I did start writing a new story in chem today though. I figured it was a better-much more entertaining use of my time. I've completely given up on chem...its a waste of time to even try to learn it. It can go fuck itself.

But yeah i've been thinking a lot about what I want/need. I realized that I don't like myself- nothing new there but that perhaps what i'm looking for relationship-wise is someone who can make me like myself.

I think its basically impossible. I've doubted everyone i've dated...in my mind they had no reason to like/love me, my explanation was just that they didnt know me or they didnt realize that they didnt really love me or what not. But then again that could just go back to me believing that I'm not worth being liked/loved...its quite the strange circle.

::shrugs:: I'm pretty calm today...those are just recent thoughts you know?

This is only in here because this journal (dear lord i almost spelled that "Gernal"!) is relatively safe...i think.

In other news, i'm getting sick :( My tummy hurts mucho...ever since yesterday and its not going away :(

In better news erm um...not sure.

I lose.

Heh.

Alright bye.

~Jackie

who said that?

Anytngbtordinary

:: 2005 2 December :: 11.30am

who said that?

Anytngbtordinary

:: 2005 28 November :: 5.09pm

Long time.

I'm wasting the few hours I have left before I MUST study. EUHGURH
I hate chemistry!!!

So this journal is much safer than xanga. I can easily guess who may read this one...xanga, everyone knows about it so its not somewhere that i can really trust.

Thanksgiving break was amazing, though it did suck that I didnt see everyone I wanted to or get to spend much time with everyone.

Then there were the people I did see that I kind of wish I didnt...

Nick is the perfect example haha...

Its hard even to put my thoughts in here... scary.

I need somewhere to sort things out but how many times do I have to sort this issue out???

I've spent the last few years dealing with it and stressing over it and exploding over it

How ridiculous am I???

Very. Boo.

College was supposed to make it go away...

I was so sure it would.

But nooo...i still make dumb decisions that affect things at home and make me go...wtf was I thinking???

Blah. I need dinner.

~Jackie

3 persons said it | who said that?

toki	:: 2005 27 November :: 12.29am :: Mood: nauseated :: Music: Vienna- Billy Joel Yay for feeling worthless, jerky, and just all around crappy. Ryan Hoffman and I ate ice cream and watched Firefly. We were being girly. So that was fun. Until I got sick from the ice cream, lol. who said that?

mudpiegrl

:: 2005 24 November :: 2.23pm
:: Mood: angry

that turkey on google taunts me. he has pie and cranberry sauce in front of him. i want all that and mashed potatos and sweet potatos and green beans...a normal thanksgiving dinner. ive been so excited about it. but, no. we're having appetizers...cheese and crackers. i was more full last night when we went to red robin!

who said that?

mudpiegrl

:: 2005 23 November :: 11.43pm

im so jealous of her.

she has someone to protect her, someone to guide her, and someone to love her.

i dont think she sees it, though.

who said that?

toki	:: 2005 23 November :: 1.34pm :: Mood: Jerky I feel like a jerk. I need to go shower though. The boy will be here soon so we can go to work. I hate work. who said that?

mudpiegrl

:: 2005 22 November :: 11.10pm

i shouldnt be writing in here. i need to do my paper.

kristen was talking about stunkel and la-te-da...

she told me dont give up on justin...

but i love him. too much to lose him.

zak says otherwise now...

"if he had wanted you, dont you think he would have gone for you? he went for a freshman and not you"

ouch. but why couldnt anyone tell me before. before eight months had rolled around? before i started this ridiculous emotion.

1 persons said it | who said that?

toki

:: 2005 20 November :: 11.09pm
:: Mood: exanimate
:: Music: Hanson

My Flowers Are Dead
How sad.

My newer ones are okay, though.

I got myself a good guy.

I love him very much.

Today was kind of slow, which sucked. But that's okay.

I ate good food.

That, my friends, is why I'm fat(ish)

-patrice

who said that?

mudpiegrl

:: 2005 20 November :: 9.45pm

hello! the last few days've been interesting. friday we went to a concert and took dagi and kristen, and that was fun...funny, too, cuz they were frightened a bit...until they started to participate. :)

Read more..

who said that?

mudpiegrl

:: 2005 17 February :: 10.20pm
:: Mood: aggravated

as if i dont do so enough, am going to bitch. and of course, among common topics, about my parents.

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who said that?

toki

:: 2005 16 November :: 11.19am
:: Mood: Smelly
:: Music: May It Be- Enya

Lay Ze
I woke up at 8am, got out of bed, turned on my music, turned the lights on, then went back to sleep. Poop, I know. Another day no running. I am definitly not getting un-fat anytime soon.

And that sucks.

who said that?