My Reflections

:: 2005 20 October :: 12.36am

updated pictures. see previous entry for link.

so i went to arizona and i really wont say much cuz it wasnt that amazing...but twas fun.

went to my first party on friday...but didnt drink, no worries...i havent dropped my morals.
it presented me with an interesting question. why do people do so if they address the choice to not drink with such positiveness?
perhaps they feel it rids them of their stress because thinking further into it made me notice that responsibility and drinking are on opposite sides of a scale. those with loads of responsibility (hmwk, cleanliness, job) tend to feel that its ok with more vigor, versus those like me, who dont hold those things as high, hold that choice above opportunity. tell me if you agree or disagree...am a little theorist lol.

i should go to bed because i have school tmro...but its only 10:45 in AZ and am used to going to bed at 2:30am there.

in other news, jill asked why i hadnt been talking to her and i told her honestly. i dont feel bad because she asked and i feel i handled it maturely (with patrice to back it up), despite some bitchy, cold-heartedness, but i almost think it's expected.

"Unabashed honesty
would be ideal,
but a prophet did once say
that honesty's a lonely word."
~Have You Ever; Incubus

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:: 2005 19 September :: 12.20am
:: Mood: sick

I'm tired and sick. I have way too much to do and not enough time. And nothing that I really want to do. Other then curl up in a ball and close out the world.

You can be invited in if I give you special permission. To my world. Woo hoo.

Ryan's allowed in. Because he taped up my blisters and gave me drugs today. And he kissed me even though I was boogery. And he gave me a pillow when I fell alseep. So he gets permission.

And Melanie. Because she just said something nice.
SneakySeaMonkey: jolly rancher lollypops?
BassClarAngel: hey now! those were good and i've apologized many times for that
SneakySeaMonkey: I knooooooooooow
SneakySeaMonkey: do you still eat them?
SneakySeaMonkey: and laugh?
BassClarAngel: i only randomly eat them if it's some free thing a teacher hands out or something
BassClarAngel: but no, i don't laugh
BassClarAngel: i sigh reverently in rememberance of one of my bestest friends who is far away from me now

:-( So..Melanie...permission.

Jackie too. She died with me today. Just in different states.

And Melissa. Just for talking to me.

Those are just people I can think of right now. Um, Enter your plea below and I will consider you.

SLEEEEEEEEEEEEEEP!
NO!
1 MORE PAGE!
DEATH!

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:: 2005 15 September :: 12.31am

i have a photo bucket.

the pics from the carnival are on there...they're under attempts...for my lame attempts at photography...look at the one titled Toy Gore...its almost as if they meant for it to read that subliminally...

have fun woo! good day.

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:: 2005 14 September :: 9.20am
:: Mood: calm

you know how everything is so stressful and then all of a sudden, everything's alright and calm. thats now starting yesterday. just everything...i think i realised that there is nothing to worry about. am in school, i have a schedule that i know how it works, am hanging out with people, justin issues are not pressing, and i've been doing stuff i want to do like take pictures and look at art. strangely, like always, its the opposite for everyone else. so sorry for anyone who has loads to do. ill read something for you. :)

that's really all. good day.

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:: 2005 11 September :: 10.40pm
:: Mood: Sad
:: Music: Dying- Five for Fighting

Thor
I'm sad for some reason. I can't tell why, exactly. I don't like seeing Ryan get in trouble. And I think that I know that things are going to have to change soon. I won't be able to see him much anymore. I just know. I don't want that to happen. :-\ That and things that we talked about today. Reality, kinda. I'm hoping we avoid that, you know? I hope. I don't want to be like everyone else. And I like to think that we're not.

On the other hand, I am also very happy because Ryan Hoffman is only the greatest guy ever made.

Today was good. Awesome, in fact. I love today. I hate that I still feel so down.

School too. I'm worried. I just have no motivation. I have no desire to succeed at CLC. I see no point. Therefore, I see no point in trying. :-\ Which is bad.

::sigh::
Oh man. I wish I could stop time. Or not go to school. ::nods::

Ryan Hoffman, you're a good kid. :-)

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:: 2005 8 September :: 10.11pm

AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

esriiutriut ropi'[dkfjgksl;jdsg;lkh ghjio;ashdiouair oynv 4p598mvwteualj yisd cuuwery8tpo7v2wy5ctxn nhjtdl; awbetiogu jow48yat oauci;et hrnfgkldjf ygpoe;r8ty;sdhfa;liitp'atw9u7[0945=tewuhuegwtjkVAVFUIH 'OIAGY

FLi;yasreen;ob vy6wat;hyu;i 'JFDFGHKHL;HFJGFL;KHFDKJHSTIKUWETWI'
ETHLIFG
DFHFGJS;HDGKJFDHGKJDFHGKJLDFGHKLJDFGHKJFDHGKJL

:: 2005 4 September :: 11.03pm
:: Mood: chipper
:: Music: Hand in my pocket- Alanis Morissette

One Year, suckers
I know I mentioned this in my xanga, but it deserves to be spoken of again.

1 more week! :-)

I'm excited. It's so cool. It'll be a year. Not alot for some of you people, but it's quite awesome to me.

Plus, Ryan is a good guy. :-) I've had him trapped for a year. Poor guy.

Just kidding. But he is a good guy.

:-) :-) Yay

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toki	:: 2005 2 September :: 11.21pm :: Mood: Gross I need a good slap across the face. Who's first??? who said that?

Anytngbtordinary

:: 2005 31 August :: 1.54pm

Woah... is it Jackie?
Nope.
Ok yeah...you caught me.

I had a lot more private entries on here than I thought man! They were private for a reason though and I shouldnt have even seen them. Boo.

Its weird too cuz they are like a year old.

Talk about needing to let go of the past huh?

Its just weird. One of them was a...erm...a story type dealie. I cant believe that all that jazz lasted until January 2005! Maybe a bit longer but wow...everyone told me it went on too long...but that long?! YIKES MAN! And i dont even think people knew it went up until jan/feb. Thats siiick! O.o I think I'm going to delete all those entries.

But when I was packing to come here a few weeks ago (dear god...its been 2 weeks already!) I found the oldest of old woohu entries haha. Wow... you guys...we had so much shit going on between all of us it was ridiculous!!!! Who did we think we were creating so much drama?! SHEESH. Haha. But yeah...wow...dont look back on the past...or old journal entries. Scary stuff that is.

I'm gonna go write a more fun xanga entry now because xanga is awesomely awesome. Just thought Id surprise everyone cool in here! Hehe bye!

~Jackie

:: 2005 29 August :: 11.26pm

This weekend= no fun.

Worked 2-10 Friday and Saturday. 2-8 on Sunday.

Some parts were fun, I just didn't have enough time. I wanted to have a day to hang out with people. The only person I had time to see was Ryan, which isn't bad. Ryan's a good kid to be with. But it'd be nice to have freetime, you know?

So yes. Some fun times. Almost getting arrested. Planned my honeymoon. ;-) Saw the Aristocrats.

School was long today. Math isn't getting any harder. Philosophy is getting tough. History scares me too. I'm excited for theatre tomorrow. Jill- we have to get our tickets to that one show soon. Coppenhagen.

This year I think I'm just going to get through Mondays and Tuesdays just to get to theatre. And Thursdays will be my inspiration to make it through Wednesday. Friday? Ummm...Friday is nothing anyways. Only one class. Sweet deal. Hoping for more weekend days off this week.

Labor day is soon. We get Monday AND Tuesday off. Sweet.

I kinda wanna work on those days. It's too late to tell Julia now. Poop.

And Ryan's probably working. Triple poop.

Sleep time. Nights.

2 persons said it | who said that?

goose

:: 2005 29 August :: 7.20pm
:: Music: Emo raido station

This weekend was purdy good if you were wondering...

Friday i only had one class :) then i just took care of some stuff i'd been meaning to do, and worked a wee bit and then went hot tubbin with that kid...
Then saturday i partied hard with Elisa when we went to visit david at school and couldnt find him cuz he went home so we just went to this random frat party...lol funny joke...yeah i compleatly convinced matt that all of that was true, david came home for real and the 3 of us hung out for a while, but yeah i was joking around with matt cuz he was with ben and asked where i was and somehow he believed me...then david went over to his house, we thought for sure he'd figure it out but he just said hey jill davids over...so i said ha! thats why we couldnt find him. He kept thinking it was weird that i left the state and didnt tell him...hehe. then i walked into his house and just stood there. it was so funny. yeah but you had to actually be there. yeah...

im listening to yahoo radio, the emo station its sweet... hehe they play jimmy eat world and fall out boy. jill likes. :)

woo theatre class tomorrow! I am not going to tell you how much of a dork i am because you will laugh, because even my mother laughed at me when i told her what i did, so i will keep this to myself now...hehe

:: 2005 27 August :: 11.40pm

im excited because i finally registered for classes. i did things people said i wouldnt. my mum said id never graduate high school. my brother said id never get into college. too bad that i did, eh? so i've found that i can take a language, no matter what it is...its a new language that will help me decode anything i run across. i'm finally done with trying to please them, and that's why i did well last year in school. so i'm happy making myself so by doing things that please me and make me proud. i found someone who has pride in me for at least my excitement and determination for learning language and it seems like ill almost start working for him soon enough. it's like when you normally like a guy and you'll do things simply to impress them, only the things that impress him are also the things that make me happy.
they dont think im responsible at all and that i have no respect for anyone, including myself, which is ironic if you know them. maybe it's because they want me to fill in the gaps that they are too old to complete now. i know i will succeed, because ill allow myself to be let down by me. i think i have a strength a lot of people dont, which i suppose is thinking very highly of myself, but it keeps me going in my head, believing that ill end up alright.

so now, im not all that excited about college at all, although earlier i was so excited just to have the opportunity to learn japanese. i think that it will be great, but i have no desire to prove anything to anyone.

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:: 2005 27 August :: 10.57pm

i dont really have much to update. ill post something i wrote a few days earlier...although am not going to reread it just for authenticity becuase then i probably wouldnt post it.

went to another wedding today...he liked some of the pictures i took....now if only i could learn to focus it right...

nada nuevo con la nino. que triste.

i dont know what to do for my bday. it seems lame to turn eighteen and do nothing fun. like even just with friends. patrice cant on monday cuz of school and everyone has school btu then theres the evening...but why just chill. i wnat to do soemthing but its beginning to look like a lot of nothing.

i also want to do something because im turning eighteen and i dont know if my dad'll take me skydiving but we are going to the race track sometime next week. thats the best thing considering im doing nothing with cigars or porn.

the masks i painted are no longer satisfactory. they're too simple and not original enough. that means ama have to do another one and i have an idea.

ama paint it like the muscles in ones face. i dont know how well it'll work, in fact, im fairly confident it wont...but oh well because no one ever really ahs to see it.

know what sucks about having your bday close is that everytime you get the urge to say "i want..." or "it'd be so great if i had...", you know everyone's tuning in...and youd rather they didnt bother in that case...because its just a spur of the moment and something that'll probably end up in the garbage three weeks from now. besides...that was the whole reason i didnt want to have a party. i hate when people get you stuff cuz you feel like you have to get them something in return...but then theres that curiousity that you'd want to know how inventive people have gotten from last year...or if they were original at all.

oh and the reason i dont like flowers. i found it out. not because neil always got them but because they were so easy to get. they are either the "shit i didnt do something and i need to" last minute...or "i didnt even try" worthless attempt. but no matter. that can stay in here, eh?

g'night. dont spend money on me, kie? my room's messy enough as it is.

:: 2005 27 August :: 1.34am
:: Mood: exanimate

I'm moody.

I was going nuts at work today. I don't know why. I wasn't even that tired. My mind is just...fwooosh. I pretty much know why, but poop.

I'm very sad right now. Not sad, morose.

My feet are sore. My shoulder hurts. I feel disgustingly gross.

I don't want an apartment. I don't want to leave my cool green room.

I wish that I could find motivation to run every morning.

I think I should sleep. And not listen to sad songs.

I like this Patrice fella though. It's this dude who wrote a bunch of songs about LotR, but not for the movie. Farewell To Lorien is good. But it's sad. Because that part of the book is sad. I want to listen to the soundtracks now. I want the breaking of the fellowship.

:-(

I just need a hug, I think. I think I'm just a moody piece of shit.

-Patrice

BTW- If you're 18, go see The Aristocrats. Now.