My Reflections

My Reflections

toki	:: 2006 1 March :: 12.04am 88% on my history paper! Woooo!!!!!! That means I am now getting a 77% in history, fools. 7 freaking 7! Hopefully that'll be a B soon. Oh man oh man. I'd be okay with a C. Much better than that 56% I had earlier. Eeeps. who said that?

toki	:: 2006 26 February :: 10.56pm crumble. cruuuumbbllle... c.r...u...m.....b...l....e.... CRASH boom who said that?

toki

:: 2006 26 February :: 10.22pm
:: Mood: indescribable

So...you probably don't want to read this. You can probably guess what I'm going to talk about here. I don't care though.

Fuck you! Haha!

That's what I learned this weekend. It doesn't matter. You can't change people. You can mourn over broken promises of friendship, but in the end you can't make the other person see it.

That probably doesn't make any sense at all.

Of course I miss it. Of course I blame myself. I still feel like a piece of worthless shit about it. But what can I do? Accept...move on....accept...move on....

It's what we do! It's what we're designed to do. I got through a quarter of school with just a boyfriend and one friend. I can get through ten more like that.

And I still have the Tree. As corny as that sounds, no matter how lonely it gets, I can go to the Tree and feel like I'm a part of something.

In actuality, I'm just struggling to be optimistic about this situation. Pretend not to care...and I eventually won't. Right? Right!

Optimism.

I miss how things used to be.

I hate that things had to change.

I miss it.

But I can't bring it back.

So that's that!

Life goes on. Tomorrow I will take the train. I will walk down Adams to Wells. I will wait for the El. And I will go to class. And life will go on.

I'm happy that it does, though. I mean....life sucks...nothing new. But it goes on. Now, that sounds good to me at this point in time.

I'll move on and I'll never really be happy, but I might be content for atleast an hour a day. And I'll smile. And I'll laugh at bad jokes and tell bad jokes. I'll be left out and I'll leave people out. People will break my heart and I'll break people's hearts. And we'll all look back on it one day and smile.

I think I might be having a nervous breakdown.

Ok...bye... wooooooo

who said that?

mudpiegrl

:: 2006 24 February :: 3.36pm
:: Music: q101

i miss journaling. i just ate pizzas! woo! i exercised today. i might make myself run tnt. maybe. i have to work, then am supposed to hang out with ian again, but i dont really want to. id rather just chill at the restaurant and then come home.
i saw the vhhs musical, anything goes, last night. it was better than i thought, not because of the acting, because of the show itself. although, i suppose it wouldnt have lasted if it didnt have entertainment quality. i sort of wish i could be on stage once, to hear people laugh at something i've said. or to have them caught up in a world that doesnt exist. but i'd probably abandon my rehearsals for crew. lol

im doing crew for amadeus. i asked phelan. patrice, you should, too. i worry that ill take opportunites away from the younger kids though. like, if spencer and hul had come back, we would've never had our opportunity to show ourselves. but i get ec for it for makeup, and ill probably only go three nights a week. two if they take off fridays. i miss it so much though.

i've decided on putting at least ten percent of every check in the bank for paying back my loans. more if i can. but it's going to be put in immediately. im budgeting. ish.

i never got those boots i wanted because my calves are too frickin gigantic...although, i didnt think about trying on a ten. maybe ill do that. ::shrugs:: i like them.

who said that?

toki

:: 2006 18 February :: 12.45am
:: Mood: exanimate

Blech
Stupid fights are just so....stupid.

Hopefully they'll stop.

I'm just exhausted. Too much of me is going in too many directions. It's really not working.

my parents haven't paid my tuition yet. Meaning I still can't sign up for classes. I hate this.

I had this crazy dream when I fell asleep at the library the other day. I think it basically sums up how I feel about everything going on right now. I wrote it in my Lil' Fat Notebook, so I'll type it up here later.

I was thinking of writing a story or making a picture out of it. Picture would be easier, but I don't know exactly how it would work....hmmm... We shall see.

This week should be easier.

Monday:

Wake up: Whenever
Leave: 1:10
Class: 3:30
Train: 5:50
Home: 6:47
See boy
Do papers

Tuesday:

Wake up: 5:30
Leave: 6:44
Library-study: 8:30
Class: 10:10
Class: 11:50- Paper due
Class: 1:20- Paper due
Train: 3:55
Home: 4:56
Work: 5:30
Home: 9:00
Study/Papers

Wednesday:

Wake up: Whenever
Train: 1:10
Class: 3:30- Paper due. 10 sources due.
Meet Jorie: 5:30
Dinner with Yassi: 7ish
Train: 9:35
Home: 11:00

Thursday:

Wake up: 5:30
Train: 6:44
Library-study: 8:30
Class: 10:10 Paper due
Class: 11:50
Class: 1:30
Train: 3:55
Home: 4:56
Work: 5:30
Home: 9:00
SLEEP.

Friday: SLEEP.

Oh! I need to request a day off to see the play! I'm working Thursday...

Maybe I can open 'til 6 on Friday. But I need to get tickets! I'll call Sandy tomorrow and see about that. I don't want it to end up like Story Theatre where we waited outside for an hour waiting for bloody tickets.

Work sucked today. You'd think that if people heard fire alarms going off, they'd evacuate the building, right?

Um, no. Apparantly finished the movie they paid a whole SIX DOLLARS on is more more important than their lives. And Oh no! Is it cold out?! Okay, when the fire consumes you, let's see who's cold. That's right.

I got to wear my cool sweater though. Everyone has to see it. It's all STRIPEY!

Stress is no fun. And now I'm sick, but I have no time to be sick! So that doesn't work. I shall will myself not to be sick. Hmmmm...

I hate how only one of my teachers puts grades up on blackboard.
I'm getting a 27%. Wooo.

Actually, it's because he has all the assignments in there and we havent turned all them in yet. So yeah. I got all A's and B's so far. With the exception of one test. 57%. Oops. I hope I did well on my paper. I felt like I was just saying the same thing over and over again, but in different words. I didn't even start it till 1am. I don't know. I need to get atleast a B in there. With extra credit, right now I'm getting a 70%. Let's see...If I get an....

A my grade will be 81%
B- 77%
C- 73%
D- 69.9%

Hoping for a B. Hoping. praying. I NEED that B. A would make me weep with joy.

Knowing me, I'll get that D. >.<

What about DePaul makes me such a failure?????!!?!?!?!
In History atleast.

Ok, well my throat is significantly swollen and my sinuses are trying to kill me, so I go to die now.

I need to stop sucking at life.

That is all.

Sniff.

who said that?

mudpiegrl

:: 2006 14 February :: 1.50pm
:: Mood: contemplative

so...im going to do some mass typing. im sorry if you actually try to get through these...i wrote them all on the train and i want to put them in here. i wish i had a laptop so that i could just type it on the train. it would go so much faster. and in case you hadnt noticed, my internet is back up! woo! the stuff in green is going to be stuff about people on the train, stuff that isnt all that important, although it may lead so something in the white that is about me, and unless you've recently spoken to me or read my mind, probably dont know.

Train Entry One
The man in front of the other writes in red pen on a printed paper. He has a phone on his right ear. He picks his nose with his pinky. He has a striped blue and white polo on; Skipper style. He rechecks his bag; a portfolio briefcase. A greenish-brown trench coat, slightly balding, thin brown hair. Holds phone awkwardly.

"Then we'll supplement it. And we can talk then about how it...Right, sure. Right. Right. Okay. Okay! That'd be great. What uh, what uh...at your office. Oh, that's right. Okay, I'll do that for you...you don't think it makes sense...supplement...okay, yeah. Thanks. ::click::"

He's texting. Back to his stack of papers: flip, flip so delicatly. Chews nails...mmm, eating it. Needs more. Looks good, sir.

I'd rather be writing about the man across from me. "Fuck!" he said as he threw down his bag. He breathed heavily and the train began to move. He took out his Ipod and swore again and smacked it's shiny, white plastic. He turned his head to put the buds in his ears, first the right, then the left. Next, he produced a Subway sandwich. He�d flipped the seat in front of him to form a table. He spread the paper out and opened his cheese chips bad. He rigidly ate it, keeping his back straight. Yet, he was {something that isn�t a word}. He ate the chips one by one, but speedily. He finished the sandwich and squished the wrapper into a ball. He drank his Orange Crush with a straw. A preposterous motion that reminds me of eating pizza with a fork and knife. Eventually came a candy bar, which he ate rigidly, too, however, he stared out the window. Precisely the moment he finished, he produced a small, unidentifiable object. He opened a valve and blew into it. Ah, a neck pillow. He still has not removed his awful turtle shell-framed sunglasses. Ha, he relaxes. His shoes are off, he lounges with his feet on the opposing seat. He reads the Wall Street Journal. Khaki pants, white button-down shirt, brown belt, black socks, but brown shoes�not a complete travesty; he doesn�t have brown golfer socks.

Train Entry Two
Seven stops �til mine. I've just finished an entertaining short story from a book written in �67 of contemporary stories. However, it was written sometime between 1900-�20. I caught this kid kiddy corner to me glancing at me. Understandably, of course, cuz I must say, my eys have been taking glances at him as well. He sips his jamba juice and is semi-reading a magazine with a title, from what I can read, can only be inferred as Giant Robots. He�s not spectacularly interesting, but that�s part of the allure, I suppose. The lady in front of him is about thirty-two and her name is Jennifer. She has a pleasantly fake demeanor. Above them is a silent, but interesting girl who appears to be drawing. At first, I was confused as to her gender, but then she was looking out the window. Oh, my writing is atrocious. I came up with an idea. Perhaps one that would be best noted in film form, but a challenge to write; I think I�ll try it. I constantly observe people anyway, like the way the older couple in front of me match in burgundy sweaters or the sociology and chemistry student who has been talking to the kid across the aisle about her classes. He responded with a slight Russian accent. Above is a man who was yelling on the phone in Spanish, although I was confused as to where it came from at first. How simply interesting everyone else is and how dully boring I am. I make observations between my friends and I, but they are relationships about which I couldn�t possibly write about; they have no story to which I could find the beginning and the end.

So my idea is to write of the train and convos I hear. Then, I�ll invent small stories, Shelock Holmes style. Perhaps that�s what Sir Arthur Conan O�Doyle began doing. Questioning whether the old couple discussed wearing burgundy today. Or if the woman intends her pleasant bullshit. It may be that the boy that just exited the train, the boy who has left my life forever, was just as interesting in my as I had been in him and his magazine.
He�s putting eye drops in her eye. I wonder if she turns up his hearing aid.
Strange. A Barbie Jeep in a bike rack. A funny picture it is to see a business man dressed for work riding on the sidewalk and parking his daughter�s Jeep there. Perhaps an example of never growing up�a good ad for Disneyworld, eh? You can be an adult and do adult things, but don�t forget to have as much fun as a kid on the way there.
The man is holding plastic on his nose. It looks like a bib from Bob Chin�s. Oh, an ice pack. A sinus infection?
Ah, my stop.

Train Entry Three
I picked up my stuff instead of sleeping, but no one is too terribly interesting that I have to write about them. The girl is reading Intro to Information Technology. She has an orange highlighter. My mind is pretty blank, actually. I was just thinking how, despite how fundamental the idea is, Patrice is like a dog that licks your face and sits beside you when you cry. That�s why people easily return to her after their spurt of deciding someone self is more interesting for a time. I do pity her for that, because it�s quite the painful commodity to have: ditched and regained after the other has lost interest. For once, I notice it in myself and add it to the list, rather than exclude myself. So I feel particularly horrible to be a burden and such, because I know it�s not the last time, but I feel bashfully grateful for her care. I don�t consider myself �wounded� in the least from Justin, but rather �off-track�. I've strayed and she�s a kind, familiar map that�s always in my pocket and I know so, but sometimes I grow immune to the presence. That�s something that really goes for the lot of my friends: the immunity, and so, I apologize. Kristen�s my warning sign, a reflector-coated neon-coated roadblock updater. I also owe her an apology for not listening to her warnings because she�s consistently right. I know I should feel lost, because I am, but at the same time, I�m remotely comfortable with the position.
As if the constant, intangible debt and guilt is not enough, I am in monetary debt of either party as well. I have a job, so money will come soon, but there are things I want. I know stress will soon bear down on me too much and I will need protective services in my vulnerability, although I will refuse to admit it. One stop. G�day.

Train Entry Four
I know I should do my chem. But I've though so much since 11:03AM (it�s 11:37). I was drawing with my dry erase marker and I organized my binder. I have a paper due Thursday. (�Tickets, please!� that reminds me-I got a ticket in front of Patrice�; that�s $75 on top of the $105.50 I owe for skipped tolls. Way to go, Jorie.) The girl behind me is asking her friend questions that intrigue me as to what her response could be. She told her she was being a hypocrite and things I related to my own stupidity with Justin; how could I be so dumb for so long? I suppose it�s all about the picture you�re standing so close to that you see a small portion that�s so beautiful, you won�t let your friends pull you back to see how hideous the entire thing is. Your perception is warped when you�re that close.

�I think you�re na�ve. I think you don�t know. No-that james lies.�

Wow, that�s honesty. Oh, why did I start thinking? Yes. I saw justin�s mum. She didn�t say hi or anything when I smiled at her. I wonder if she knows. I know and accept everything that happened and I sort of feel like I�m hiding from it. Seeing her is like synchronicity. That Carl Jung is a silly bitch.
Patrice gave me a valentine. I want to make her something. Maybe a secret admirer thing, lol.
Know what drives me nuts? Donut. DONUT?! HOW PRIMITIVELY LAZY!!! THE WORD IS DOUGHNUT! In fourth grade, we had to correct ssentances for spelling and grammar everyday. That was one of those words! What is a nut? A pit; a center of a fruit. A doughnut is a ring of dough, missing its nut. That�s logical, although more so would be nutless dough, but then there�s evolution of the word. Donut, on the other hand- DO?! Do can be pronounced dū, in which case, it�s a verb. Dō can be a musical tool for tuning one�s voice, however, DO-NUT makes no logical sense! I've seen it twice today and it�s lazy! T hat�s like writing BAL-A on your building because it�s shorter. Or the online slang used on a building. And don�t get me wrong, I�m all for being different, so whomever was first to say, �Hey, I�m not going to label my joint by what I sell, but make it recognizable by the spelling,� the way corporationsdo with colour and placement, but donut is now socially acceptable to the point where I had an argument with someone who insisted that donut was correct.

�What�s up, my home skillets? &hearts Chica 2/10/06�

Sorry, I know it was a pointless rant but it is a reflection of how easily society is swayed, my opinions of which are persuaded by V for Vendetta as well as sociology class.
Gosh, I've written a lot. I sort of miss Ian and Zak. I�m afraid to see them because of Justin�s influence on them. He�s very persuasive.
On the other hand, most everyone seems to like me at Yardhouse. However, none of which are probably friend quality, as far as I can tell. Amanda�s going to apply, so that�ll be cool.
I've been hanging out with Trix. Oh, I love Patrice! I just hope she doesn�t get annoyed or anything. I want to hang out with Kristen, too, but she�s crew and I have work and school, so there�s NEVER time. I�m done-Golf, that�s the line into the knowledgeable. Glenview. I�m glad I don�t have to work today.

who said that?

toki

:: 2006 13 February :: 11.40am

Not looking forward to school. Not looking forward to this week. Feeling sick, so that's no fun. I swear, I'm done with school.

I think I'm going to change my major. To media arts. I have to take drawing classes though. And if you know me, you know my drawing abilities are slim to none.

Oh well. We shall see. I don't have to officially decide until after 1st quarter next year.

Good news: I can finish everything by the end of my junior year. 18 classes for media arts and 6 more if I minor in english. Most media art people minor in communication. I really don't want to. Communications doesn't really enthrall me. But what can you do with a media arts major and english minor?

I don't know. We shall see, friends.

who said that?

toki

:: 2006 12 February :: 12.06pm

I Miss...

*my computer.
*going to a school that's 5 minutes away.
*having something to be proud of.
*belonging to a group.
*Elisa and Meenal.
*photo class.
*doing things I actually like.
*not having to pretend like I'm okay.
*being able to tell people that I'm upset with them. Not that I could ever really do that.
*'dates' with good friends.
*Caribou talks.
*huge sleepovers at Jorie's house.
*being a hobbit.
*Lord of the Rings.
*having people to talk to at school.
*being able to sleep.
*not being stressed.
*having more than two friends who want to spend time with me, no matter how awesome they are.

But I got a fuzzy green blanket full of static. So thats a good thing.

1 persons said it | who said that?

toki	:: 2006 28 January :: 9.57pm I'm tired of living my life through other people, dammit!!! I want my own crazy college stories. Sadness. 2 persons said it \| who said that?

mudpiegrl

:: 2006 28 January :: 6.30pm
:: Music: the strokes-"juicebox"

we didnt actually go apartment shopping. patrices mummy had an appointment and then it was too late. so we're supposed to go next week. i made oatmeal pancakes! :)

i went to orientation today at yardhouse. my shirt is a small but it goes past my butt...it's like a dress. so i admit, im never out now. it's a little boring, so i cant wait for work to be all the time. ::sigh::

i have to write a paper before tuesday and my homework for monday is to feel my face. lol. i have to find the bones and the highlights and shadows in my face so that when we do "corrective" stage-makeup, we can understand where to draw lines and how much to blend. but i've done that before for drawing, so im not too worried...

heh...this song is called "juicebox". that actually sounds really good... maybe ill watch a movie...then ill run once my food's partially digested.

that's all. :)

who said that?

mudpiegrl

:: 2006 26 January :: 9.06pm
:: Mood: contemplative
:: Music: Urinetown - It's a Privilege to Pee

This Last Week
i got urinetown! wooo!

tomorrow, trix and i are going to look at apartments! woo!

i got the job at yardhouse. Eight dollars an hour. twenty hours a week. that's one-sixty a week. times four is six-forty. that's a lot! woo!

i like my classes. mondays and wednesdays i go from acting to stage makeup (and on wed to molecules in art and life {chemistry}) and then tuesday and thursday i go to theories of personality (psychology) and sociology. im satisfied. :)

um...i've not been hanging out with justin since the stabbing. Read more..

That's the same thing as my xanga, if you've already read it.

who said that?

toki

:: 2006 17 January :: 1.39am
:: Music: Monty Python's Spamalot

It's pathetic. The times I'm most pissed at myself are when other people are down and I feel that I can't do anything about it. And I feel I even slightly caused it. I don't know, I need to remove my heart.

Replace it with cheesecake!

On a happier note:

Always look on the bright side of death!
Just before you draw your terminal breath
Life's a piece of shit,
When you look at it.
Life's a laugh and death's a joke, it's true,
You'll see it's all a show,
Keep 'em laughing as you go
Just remember that the last laugh is on you!

2 persons said it | who said that?

mudpiegrl

:: 2006 16 January :: 7.54pm

alright. im cleaning things out. im going to go through my journal and anything about justin is going to be printed and read. ill reassess my stupidity and consider dropping him. in fact, liking him has been considered by far. i dont think i care to drop him as a friend right now, although it's probably going to happen if i move to chicago with patrice ::crosses fingers and hopes really hard::

im angry. the library doesnt have any bright eyes or the other interpol cd in right now and best buy doesnt have bright eyes at all. :(

who said that?

mudpiegrl

:: 2006 15 January :: 3.19pm
:: Mood: hungry
:: Music: "mistakes"-godsmack

last night i spent the night at patrices, which i know i've written about in here. it's always an awakening/realisation/relaxation/hope refiller. patrice is just great. i love her so much.

we discussed how awful it'd be to be stuck in a college campus with only college kids. we discussed moving downtown together. it'd be loads of fun and we could get along and stuff, as proved by our week at ryans.

it's sad. i realised that if i wanted to stop hanging out with justin and zak, id be left with kristen and patrice, which i dont mind. but it'd mostly be kristen, who i also love, but when it's only two of you, it's your ideas just bounced back and forth and no reformation after a while because you tend to adjust just to each other. it happend with jen and i kinda hate it. and there's patrice, but her and i have the same issue. she hates when ryans not around cuz it's like she's invading my space, which it doesnt feel like at all, but it's the same with me. i'd feel badly cuz i always feel like ryan doesnt want me around, even though i've been told otherwise.

i suppose it's a self-esteem issue, but everyone has those, right?

i talked to some friends from grade school recently. it makes me really glad i stopped hanging out with them. some of them are so shallow and others conceited and others so confused with themselves that they dont know which way to walk to their bed when it's right in front of them.

i suppose im the same way though. i know i can be egotistical and forceful and controlling and shallow and evil and soulless...but at the same time i know i cant be so awful because people still talk to me...im sure they arent that desperate.

so thanks for putting up with me, guys. im going to hang out with the buttface and ryan now. we're going shoe shopping! woo!

g'day, then!

3 persons said it | who said that?

mudpiegrl

:: 2006 11 January :: 3.03pm
:: Mood: complacent
:: Music: Avenged Sevenfold-"Bat Country"

Hello.

I've been watching videos. Currently, the used "in love and death" and it has clockwork orange references! :) And I like my chemical romance videos. You should check out bright eyes "bowl of oranges". And I hate simple plan. A lot. You should list to Interpol, though. I�m listening to evil now. I like their lyrics and his voice.

I�m going to go buy some pants at Carson�s, assuming I can find some for less than twenty dollars...it's sort of a pointless search, eh? Oh, well. Something to do.

So we've discovered that Justin has an insane amount of jealousy when I go near another guy. I love knowing when someone cares, but you know how easy it is to say and show it? It�s so much harder to hide it...it's nice to know he cares. It isn�t even just other guys. He�s so protective of me, as if he's afraid ill get hurt. And he gets angry with anything he doesn�t like...and Zak pointed out that he expects a lot more from me than anyone else. By the way, this isn�t me getting my hopes up so much as feeling this strange sense of victory.
It seems kind of bad to feel like I�ve won something, but I seem to be altering the people with whom I�m hanging out. They�re just tiny things but it's satisfying to see some ramifications streaming from me. It makes me feel like I have some importance.
Of course, that also means that I�ve been changed. But I don�t mind so much; I honestly don�t think I could come out of a friendship unchanged. And contrary to what some people think, I don�t think that they are all bad changes. And I�m also not the only one changing. I think it�s a fear. As if changing the places you go and the people you hang out with isn�t enough, changing habits and beliefs is tough to accept.

I just realized: I don�t even know what complacent means. It�s okie. Ill look it up before I post. Yes, I�m right.

Goodbye.

who said that?