i neeeeeed her
hey, ya know.. i think about it -- and i do miss my friends, a lot.. more than i can say. but i miss my mother even more.

my mom dealt with such difficult physical pain. so hard and so long. but i really think my emotional pain is almost as bad as her physical pain .. but not as bad -- my mother is the strongest and most amazing and incredible person i know.

i think back and realize that i was s uch a shitty daughter. i never looked at the big picture with my mom. never realized how sick she was, and i never helped her. it was always me me me. where i want to go to dinner, what i wanna watch, what i wanna do. wherever i wanna go. it was always me. never once did she do what she wanted, or eat what she wanted, or go where she wanted, she did everything in her power to make me happy.

and she never complained never ever ever did she complain. i just feel like if i did thigns different maybe she would have lived longer, or not been in so much pain. i feel liek i didnt prove to her how much i love her. and now i cant.

its like my mom got jipped... she was the one who disciplined me, and made me eat my vegetables and she wa the one who told me NO... and she did everything to make me the way i am today, and i gave her no credit.. i never chose to stay home and really hang out with her .. and now i wish i did. she's made such sacrafices for me ... and never once did i thank her for them. i mean talk about a bad daughter.

i wish i could have done more things to make her feel loved and special. because she is the most special thing in my life. she was always so beautiful.. even when she passed she was beautiful. i just want to hug her, i want to say things to her i never said. i want her to know how much i love her and how sorry i am for everything.

i try to think -- shes in a better place, she's with god and jesus and she's being taken care of. but i need her in my life. i cant go on without her, i just cant. everythign makes me think of her. i have so much to say on this subject but im crying so much and losing my train of thought. i need her, when something good happens i wanna go "hey mom.. listen to this.." but i cant. when somethign bad happens i wanan say "mom this stupid bitch..." but i cant.

fact is i dont have the most important thing in my life anymore, and nobody knows how i feel. nobody saw my mom suffer, nobody didnt know what to do. nobody has had so many close calls, nobody has been as scared as me when they had to call the ambulance for their mom. nobody knows exactly how i feel. nobody lived with the strongest person in the world and watched them suffer, and was mistaken for somebody, and never heard her complain, and never saw her beautiful eyes cry, and never saw her smile.. nobody saw it like i did. and now i cant see it anymore. and it kills me. i really just wanna die. i want my mommy. i cant go on without her. i know shes my guardian angel, but i dont want her as my guardian angel, i want her as my mother, here on earth!!

i could say more.. but my eyes hurt from crying so im going to bed.. ill write more later. and just so everybody knows, you may not be so fond of your parents now.. but when they're gone it hurts more then you'll ever think. so my advice is make it last, let them know you care, and when you get a chance to say i love you -- take it.

a piece of my heart is missing.... and its never coming back

4 rushed [fate] | rush [fate]