whoa oh oh oh-oh-oh
I remember when the days were long, and the nights when the living room was on the lawn. Always the outspoken one, growing up was, true to the cliché, hard to do. I went from talking a mile a minute to learning that sometimes things come out better when you take the time to do them right. I realized that if your best friend is always the first to make a move on the guy who just broke your heart, they were not worth it in the first place, and if they were, they will bring you flowers and cry with you for an hour to fix things. I also learned that even though the work is hard and the early morning school days are just about the most difficult part of being a teenager, it is all worth it. As I look back on all I have accomplished, I realize that the things I can actually measure to put on a college transcript will not be as impressive as the class president or the valedictorian. However, if I could go back, I would not change a thing. From lessons learned by hospital visits (which took me over a year to pay off) to going 75 mph in a 45 mph zone in my best friend’s car (which took her a month or two to pay off), all these experiences have caused me to grow. In some cases, they forced me to grow up and take a look at life, and realize that the playground I am playing in now is a lot more dangerous than the swing set ever was. Nevertheless, with the chilling perils come thrilling peaks. What stands out the most of my high school years, though, are the concerts that the same group of us attend. To me, there is nothing more exciting than jumping around with three hundred other people, singing the lyrics to your favorite song. There is something about these shows that brings out the best in everyone. Perhaps it is the music, or maybe the company, for some of the most enjoyable moments were also some of the most mundane. Recently, my Saturday nights have been spent sipping sodas and playing chess at a local hangout with these very people, and I could not ask for anything more. Driving around our boring town, with the windows down, my hair flying all over the place, and the stereo turned up full blast, proves equally as entertaining. Through music, I have grown incredibly as a person and learned a lot about myself. The music I listen to inspired me to take up guitar, which, though I have not progressed due to lack of time to take lessons and practice, is one of my favorite things to do when I have aggression that I cannot get out another way. Because of the emotional lyrics, I have also started a journal of my poetry. I would have never had thought that writing could affect me, but it allows me a form of self-expression that nothing else ever has. With all the stress that being a teenager brings, an outlet is the most necessary of all items. With that, I will end with another line from the above song; I’ve packed a change of clothes and it’s time to move on.

that is my college essay ... if you bothered to read it, comment and let me know what i should change or whatever. thanks, love you, bye. *

"dear journal,
today i had a fucked up day. i woke up like at 5:30 and i took a shower and after that, i ate cinnamon toast crunch and i went to school. school was fine, but not that fine, but you know, cause my math teacher made me do alll the work for tomorrow, and i don't like doing homework. i don't have anything else to tell you today, but i hope we meet later or tomorrow. sweet dreams, goodnight."


p.s. the journal below this one is also new, so check it and comment accordingly. bye. *

*~i don’t know if those forty minutes and maybe once a month will be enough for me . if i knew from the start how this was going to end then why am i stuck here in the middle, not letting it be over ? but it is not just me . you are holding on too, and you can’t deny it. i can see it in the way you confide things in me that nobody else knows ( ... it was a night ) and the way that i am the first person you call when you are upset. it can’t all be sweet talk, can it ? because if it is, then i am ridiculous because i feel the same way. when you hugged me tonight, my eyes welled up with tears, and i bit my lip so hard that i drew blood. and you smiled, and we laughed, and we sang our song until that part we can never get past, and i wondered how i could create such a sincere smile, and you drove away after reassuring me that nothing was going to change. it is changing, though . i knew it was going to, so this should not be hard. but you had never hung up with me for somebody else before. did you have to call me back when i was in the middle of writing about you ?~*

*~it's so good to know that i'm the only one who cares anymore. i cant believe you would throw everything we had away over something as trivial as this. and i hope when you're older and look back on your life you remember the ones who were there for you when nobody else was. and you will wonder what happened to them. and wonder why you are so alone. and pick up the phone to call somebody to comfort you, and you will have nobody to call, because you threw out the ones who really care about you for the ones who pretend to. i can see you smiling now. i am happy for your new life, because you are getting what you deserve. so enjoy it, darling, while you still have it, because this newfound happiness is fleeting. and it will soon be gone, along with everybody who used to be such an integral part of your life. you might as well throw those pictures into the fire i am using to burn mine. and together we will destroy our memories and our bond, if the fire can survive my tears.~*

everybody is m o v i n g o n with their lives

                   up

               g

            n

          i 

       w

     o

   r

g



and i am just 







stuck 







here, pounding on the window, 

screaming 

            “wait for me”, 

            and nobody hears.

with my fists bloody and shards of glass 

            entwined in my veins, i 

            (in vain) 

take off running in hopes of 

catching up or catching on to 

what it is that 

            they are doing 

                    or i am not 

that is causing me to be left behind but, 

out of breath, i stumble and fall. 





And Everybody Hears. 

And Everybody Knows. 

And Nobody Turns Around. 





each 

     cold, 

            uncaring             

                   step forward means 

another tear they ignore. 

another tear that falls 

on the ground 

surrounding me, 

unable to move. 

            P a r a l y z e d w i t h d e s o l a t i o n. 

and 

           drowning 

  in the sea of sorrow that 

nobody is concerned over 

but is leaving me 

                                soulless.

(Brought into this world thinking there was nothing I can’t do) 



       i feel like there is nothing i can do 



(Taught I was special and unique and in a class of my own)



       to stop feeling so alone



(Y tu dijiste que te estabas enamorando de mí)



	and i always fall for the wrong ones



(pero ahora viene tu novia y te olvidas de mi)



	but even if they are ugly to you, they may not be to me 



(y quedamos como te dije que íbamos a quedar)



	and even if you are not ugly to most, everybody is to some



(but over the years i was taught something else)



       i end up in the back of your mind



(to stop being so selfish and mask my pain)

	

       behind cooking and work and the beach and the mall



(because nobody has time to listen to me cry)



       and so i begin to realize that everything is like that 



    and i should stop taking up your time.

i tried writing something a few minutes ago but it was forced and choppy so i decided not to post it. instead i am just posting my excuse for not updating in so long. i really have nothing to write about. my thug loves me so there is no problem. just that i have to break him and his thug girlfriend up and am going to get my ass kicked in the process. ain't no problem, nigga. baby, cause i'm a thug ... *

*~ love has taught me nothing but bitterness and remorse, and i wish i could have learned a different lesson. but instead i learned that fairy tale beginnings always take a wrong turn and you end up wondering how you did not see it from the start. and you wish the worst on somebody that, even just hours ago, you would have died for. the good part ? you get a few good journals. and you think you learned from your mistakes. but then that same special someone slips into your mind and you know that it would be stupid of you to fall back into their clutches but you can't resist and you end up torn between your head and your heart. and you think you may have broken their heart, but they had you fooled, because it was your heart that got broken.~*

tomorrow maybe i will take this down but i love the kava writings that seem brilliant one night and crappy the next sober morning. bye. *

Your hand 	on my cheek

	tongue in cheek but

my heart stops beating for



	one second



that You are smiling at me

and	i live off that for



	two weeks



that i didn’t see You	and

	i don’t think 



You really noticed but You say

	You did so i will

lie to myself for the



	tenth time



tonight that You catch me 

	getting caught up

in Your stare		but

please tell me You don’t 

	mind.

even when You don’t

mean it.

i will



	always



believe You 

even when i know

we will



	Never



be.

Heart was broken	on the floor	and

	You stepped on it

You can’t get back something 

    That you crushed



Crumbled into tiny pieces	and now you 

Just want to tape it back together 

	To display on your wall of achievements

But it will never be the same

	

	There will always be the cracks

Filled with glue but still	blatantly obvious 



	For that heart has been forever changed

And I will never be the same

		We will never be the same.

why did he bring his girlfriend, and why is she still his girlfriend ? you guys are NOT doing your job. you are BAD FRIENDS. break them up. it is your mission still, and you need to do it. bye. *

*~life is just such a stupid road to tread. just one disappointment after the next, realizing that nobody cares about you; that they just need somebody to dump all their problems on, and you just happen to be the caring one. always having to say you’re fine because it would hurt too much when you said you weren’t and nobody asked what was wrong. laughing to mask the pain when you see that he will never like you but you continue to pursue him anyway. not being able to talk to anybody anymore, even those closest to you, because they just instigate argument after argument, laughing when tears well up in your eyes from frustration and continue their barrage of torment until you break down, leave the room, and take a razor to your wrists. having people that you were always there for, to take them in your arms when they needed a hug, stop talking to you little by little, maybe not even realizing it, because they have better people to talk to. people who will leave them when the trend dies, and you are the one they come to to talk about it. and you will no longer be there, and you will be looked down upon for it. life fucking sucks. i give up.~*

so he called. yes he did. i want him so bad, make him stop leading me on. mmm i get to see him on friday. this is your mission, all three of you that read my journal : find him, force him to break up with her, and force him to like me. because people say you can not buy love but i will prove them oh so wrong. bye. *

(...i once saw someone with a penis piercing...)
... i love forced creativity. it took me three tries to type the word "forcibly". rock.

*~i know i handed you my heart. you know it as well as i do. now it is your move and i think you forwent your turn to stay true to somebody else, which i expected you to do but never wanted you to. all i can ask is that you don’t make me sit by the phone another second longer. if i close my eyes i can see you sitting almost on top of me, holding my hand and trying to play it off as if it was not the romantic gesture i saw it as. i don’t care though. i don’t care if you want to pretend it is nothing, because i know it IS something and i know that you will be thinking about it as much as i am. so stop playing your games and take my hand like you did that night but this time, don’t let go. she can’t be that much better than me, can she ? because i can change ... i swear. if you want me to wear my visor backwards and upside down, i can do that. i promise. ~*