she's the introvert .
it's 2:22 a.m. and it'll be at least another hour before i get to sleep and maybe it's the heat or maybe it's the heat between your body and mine as we lay entwined on a single bed and even though that was at least an hour ago i can't get you off my mind .

the air conditioner was blowing more intensely than usual , or maybe i was just concentrating a little harder on that fifteen minute drive , accompanied by soft piano music that had been heard a million times before and little else . on command , i turned it down , even though it was already barely audible and it was my car . i was sick to my stomach of that faint churning and turned off the air abruptly ; so abruptly that i didn't calculate how the absence of noise would be equally , if not more , nauseating to the point that i began talking to fill the silence . speaking my mind , for once , and working out solutions to lifelong problems , with no reply . i calculated the number of days until this would no longer be a problem and bit my tongue to avoid further complications when irrational arguments sprung from the silent passenger . the conclusion ? i wish this had happened six days prior so that i could have spent those few more precious hours with the one person that makes this argument worth continuing .

i waited so it would be 4:20 when i posted this but since i was just editing something from an hour ago it was 3:29 so i changed it myself . that was so sad . i could have just changed it from the start .

"tell me we belong together . dress it up with the trappings of love . i'll be captivated . i'll hang from your lips , instead of the gallows of heartache that hang from above ."

i'm so used to running and re-running scenarios over and over in my head and checking twice to make sure that the driver in front of me isn't tan and wearing a beanie and holding my remote control or even the gear shift as something to do while i drive that i'm sure that all of me isn't back from the airport yet . even as i write this , i'm still replaying the nervous toying with my necklace and the checking the television monitors five times to look for some sort of hint as to if i am even close to being right as i look up and there , in front of me , is the only thing that's been on my mind for the past 30 days . i don't know what i expected , and i know i didn't know what to expect , but it exceeded that times one hundred million , even sitting on that plain brown bench with hundreds of tired , jet-lagged people milling around complaining about luggage or the weather . that same bench that we sat on when we were both somewhat uncertain and nowhere near this deep into this ( so it must have been sometime before seven days into the relationship ) . that feeling on that bench on this night is greater than one million hits of ecstasy .

i have three grams left ( but i really need to pick up more ) .

i have a lot of liquor in my trunk and i don't even drink .

i have two days and fourteen and a half hours left .

i have speakers and a cd player ( but i am getting a system ) .

i have lost communication with most of the people i used to talk to .

i have awesome cousins .

i have new friends that i hope turn out to be as cool as they seem .

i have two jobs but i still lack money ( but it's just money ) .

i have run out of things to say .

there’s always something to look forward to ( God put this here for me , and you ) . yea , maybe it’s work , but i haven’t worked in awhile . or listening to a cd that i could just as easily listen to in my room but it’s my car , dammit , and i love it , even if i haven’t purchased my subs yet . and even though some things that i’m anticipating require a few days wait ( five days and four hours ) , other things will keep me going until then . tru .

i am not addicted to any drug .

i want more marijuana but the boy who loves woman and calls girls sweetheart and freestyles like it's his job and tells you it is and passes off track eight off Back For the First Time as his own writing and packs huge bowls then throws them on concrete floors under tables and picks up only the resinated pieces and leaves glass pieces on the floor without realizing that little kids might step on it and thinks he is eminem has it all because it is his .

i gave out my phone number to a lot of people tonight that were so strange . one of them is black but acts white but uses old slang that is no longer cool and wants you to call him superman , just not to his face . i am connected to most of the people in boca who apparently don't realize that i was never cool enough .

i can show you a better time . baby you can drive my car , and baby i love you .

we are going to have the greatest fourth of july in the history of the world .

top and hop rhyme . silver doesn't rhyme with sliver , liver , or quiver .

tonight was ridiculously random , starting with amanda and ending with ryan fatigati , along with everything else .

6 1/2 days .

his hand grazed her cheek and their lips graced each others’ , and at that moment she knew nothing but his warm hands on her cold shoulder . reasons echoed in her head for why this shouldn’t be happening , for why she should pull away , for how easy it would be to just stop before it really began , but the tiny struggling flame of logic did little to combat the raging heart which refused to let go as easily as she thought she could . she knew things wouldn’t be the same after this ; not just with him , with everything . she knew that the reasonable mind would get out before she no longer could . what she didn’t know was that she was already there , or what was there waiting for her , and that it would be worth anything that she would be forced to give up , unwillingly and fighting to the end . if she were to be condemned for her choice , so be it . the path was marked long before she followed it .

i'd rather be chained together and burned in a pile with all our songs and letters (bright eyes) than be without you much longer . it's not the distance that makes the heart grow fonder , but the memories of late night phone calls that weren't as long distance and the long drive between houses that was less then fifteen minutes , except in floods where you met me outside with an umbrella . i don't think it was necessary to go so far , because i am pretty fond of you already , and if you come back , i promise i'll continue to be . and maybe you'd believe my promise more if i actually kept them all , and our last note hadn't been so obviously hurried , and maybe then you would come back sooner .

thank God ...
















your love is supercalifragilistic . you don't know how bad i miss it .

i wish gravity were the only thing pulling me down , but there's so much more . i wish when i screamed it made some sort of sound , but my silence is something much easier to ignore . i wish this wasn't so forced and childish , or that i could rhyme without making it cliche . i wish i wasn't so addicted to night , and that i always wanted to see the next day . i wish i was more open with my desires , and that it was always this easy to state what i need . i wish in my eyes there was some sort of fire , and i didn't purposely try to mislead .

as i begin to realize that this wall i’ve built , this protective covering , is slipping away , i’m just one day closer to watching you slip away . i don’t know how to explain – no , i don’t know how to understand that it’s just physical and that the emotion , the shared feelings , the unfinished sentences , the six hour three a.m. telephone conversations , the basis for what i never thought possible is still very much here , much more tangible than expected , and all i will have - no , all i will need . sometimes i think it’s unfair that things are found at inopportune times , but other times i think maybe it’s for the best , to make the heart grow fonder , if possible , for lack of better phrasing . so i sit here and hypothesize about why now , and all i can come up with is that maybe the level of maturity wasn’t there yet , and that we danced around this for so long that there must be some hidden meaning in the fact that it is here now . i don’t like leaving things unfinished but i know that i will finish them in time .

if you wanna talk for hours , just go ahead now .
it seems like one minute i blinked and the next you were standing there , like some angelic vision , to carry me away , so i let myself be taken and now i remain here , in this unrealistic world where nothing can faze me and nothing goes wrong , and i keep trying to find fault in something you do to prevent me from sinking deeper and getting used to it , because if i stay here too long , chances are i won’t be able to leave . it’s like struggling in quicksand , and all the reassurance just keeps pulling me in again , and all my failed attempts to categorize you into a category with every other boy push me down further , because you’re nothing like them . i keep trying to give in to the doubtful whispers fluttering in my stomach in an effort to protect myself from falling too hard too fast , and this inexplicable worry is driving me crazy , because there’s nothing i can do to quiet it . and i don’t know how to explain to you that i’m not used to this , and it’s all happening so quickly that i don’t know if my head is spinning from you or from trying to comprehend how somebody can affect me so much in so little time that i completely ignore the fact that i have to be home by one or that there’s some things you just don’t tell anybody . it’s the kind of situation where your head is telling you you’re in too deep but you’re in so deep that you just don’t care . so i figure , i’m already in this , and i was never one to do things halfway . so if i get hurt , so be it . but i know you’d never hurt me .

can you find the flaws in her logic / grammar ? there is approximately 36,000.

susanis a winner (10:02:05 PM): hey
ruthann561 (10:02:11 PM): hi
susanis a winner (10:02:32 PM): you forgot to park in the designated parking space ... you parked in mine .
ruthann561 (10:02:42 PM): there wasn't a car there.
susanis a winner (10:03:00 PM): i know , but it's like reserved for me . you know . since i have to go to school and work and stuff .
ruthann561 (10:04:44 PM): what does that have to do with a parking spot? everybody else in this family does stuff too, would it make sense for all of us to limit ourselves to that one parking spot?
susanis a winner (10:05:09 PM): no i just mean that there was no car there because i was at school / work .
ruthann561 (10:05:35 PM): oh. well, i have work tomorrow too, so tomorrow there won;'t be a car there either
susanis a winner (10:05:59 PM): i know but i need to park my car there tonight so i don't get a ticket from the mission bay police or whatever .
ruthann561 (10:06:24 PM): are there any other cars in the driveway?
susanis a winner (10:07:42 PM): no
susanis a winner (10:07:51 PM): but i am not parking under that tree .
ruthann561 (10:07:56 PM): then what's the problem. i'm sure theres plenty of room
susanis a winner (10:08:04 PM): because that is not my parking space . you are occupying my parking space .
ruthann561 (10:09:08 PM): newsflash: it's not your personal property... we share. do u leave the supermarket if the spot you usually park in is empty? no, because there's plenty of room to park elsewere
susanis a winner (10:09:31 PM): you are not a news reporter and this is not a supermarket .
susanis a winner (10:09:42 PM): we share the driveway . i have my designated spot , you have yours .
ruthann561 (10:10:03 PM): get over yourself. if u do n't want a ticket, find somewhere else to park
susanis a winner (10:10:11 PM): uhhh
susanis a winner (10:10:14 PM): excuse me ?
ruthann561 (10:10:27 PM): ruthann561 (10:10:10 PM): get over yourself. if u do n't want a ticket, find somewhere else to park
susanis a winner (10:10:34 PM): i'm really glad you're home and everything , but you can't just come in here and disrupt everything .
ruthann561 (10:11:22 PM): oh no.. god forbid u don't park in a certain spot of the driveway for one night- sorry to disrupt EVERYTHING, but i hardly think that a parking spot counts as everything
susanis a winner (10:12:06 PM): i am not making a big deal out of this , i am just asking you to let me park where i normally park . you are like flipping out . i don't know why . i just want you to please move your car and let me park in my spot .
ruthann561 (10:12:53 PM): why do u think i';m flipping out. i'm not mad, i just don';t see why u think it's such a big deal, u have more than half the driveway at your disposition, make use of it
susanis a winner (10:13:09 PM): i don't like parking under that tree . i like my spot .
ruthann561 (10:13:23 PM): where did u park while i still lived here?
susanis a winner (10:13:38 PM): i had no car .
ruthann561 (10:13:55 PM): yes u did, \u've had that caqr while i've been here
susanis a winner (10:14:17 PM): i got it in december .
ruthann561 (10:14:31 PM): and i was here for christmas. where did u park
susanis a winner (10:14:47 PM): in my spot .
susanis a winner (10:14:58 PM): which is currently occupied by your car .
ruthann561 (10:15:42 PM): understand that it isn;t yours. this house isn't yours, the driveway isn't yours, the spot isn;t yours, and until u pay it, the car isn't urs either.
susanis a winner (10:15:52 PM): i did pay for it .
susanis a winner (10:15:56 PM): so it is my car .
susanis a winner (10:16:03 PM): none of this is yours either , not even the car .
ruthann561 (10:16:04 PM): oh, i was under the impression you were in debt
susanis a winner (10:16:05 PM): so i am one up on you .
susanis a winner (10:16:08 PM): not for the car .
susanis a winner (10:16:12 PM): i paid the car in full .
susanis a winner (10:16:15 PM): period . it's done .
ruthann561 (10:16:43 PM): it's not a contest, but if it was. i would bow down to you, susan, because you are one up on me
susanis a winner (10:16:44 PM): i am not asking you to move out . i am not asking you to call it my house . i'm asking you to please leave me the one spot on the driveway that i enjoy parking in . i think it is a reasonable request .
susanis a winner (10:16:52 PM): you are ridiculous .
susanis a winner (10:16:57 PM): i am not fighting with you .
ruthann561 (10:16:59 PM): i'll do my best next time
susanis a winner (10:17:00 PM): i am asking you to move your car .
ruthann561 (10:17:05 PM): thanks for the advice
susanis a winner (10:17:21 PM): i am not asking you to sit here and insult me because i spent money on people for christmas and owe it to mom .
susanis a winner (10:17:37 PM): i am not asking you to sit here and tell me that this house isn';t mine , because it's not yours either .
ruthann561 (10:21:55 PM): i never said OR implied that it was, and i'm not insulting you, just stating the facts. u are in debt, but guess what so am i, so it doesn;t make sense for you to victimize yourself insisting that i'm insulting you when i';m in the same senerio, the difference is i don't think it's a big deal to park your car, cuz ur perfectly capable of driving it, and like i said, i know you're possessive of "your" spot, so tomorrow i'll park whereever there is room, and i'm sure there'll be plenty of room, so i'm not worried or upset. i'll just do it differently tomorrow.
susanis a winner (10:22:25 PM): thanks .
ruthann561 (10:23:55 PM): no problem. if i happen to forget in the future, which i probably won't, remind me while i'm on my way out or something, not when i'm in the middle of something on line. i just agreed to park elsewhere, so as often as i think it's necessary (like when u r home or coming home soon), i will.
susanis a winner (10:24:12 PM): great .
ruthann561 (10:24:19 PM): not a problem

all i’ve got left are these beautiful etchings resulting from turned backs and fragmented insults yelled in portions served with dinner . there’s no use in attempting to explain myself . my frustrations turn to sketched impersonations , and it gradually becomes more important than caring to forge relationships that have deteriorated in front of my very eyes . i start to wonder if this is all for inspiration , and if it’s even worth it . then i hear whispered phone calls deliberately whispered a little too close to closed doors and the realization hits me that it’s not a choice of subject matter but a forced work of art that hits a little too close to home .