The poems to come are for you and for me and are not for mostpeople.

:: 2004 23 October :: 12.15am
:: Mood: bored
:: Music: dashboard confessional - hands down

so it is fair for me to say FUCK YOU because to me , it's still your song ? i hate that you can't change the past because i'll never know how different things would be now if things didn't go the way they did . somehow my mind starts drifting around mid-december to a time i wish i couldn't remember but somehow can never seem to forget . therefore ... FUCK YOU . because to me , it's still your song .

:: 2004 10 October :: 10.31pm
:: Mood: happy
:: Music: beatles - maxwell's silver hammer

UNHAPPY ? DEPRESSED ?

The simple fact is, in order to be happy:

YOU MUST DECIDE TO BE HAPPY.

Yep. Isn't that aggravating? You can't blame it on anyone else, and no one else can do a thing for you. You've just got to decide to be happy, whether or not your logical mind thinks it is rational to be happy and whether or not your moral sense thinks you deserve to be happy. You absolutely will not be happy for any length of time until you decide to, and if you decide to, you can be happy in the face of the most miserable circumstances.

Happy deciding.

http://users.aristotle.net/~diogenes/meaning1.htm#questions1

:: 2004 16 September :: 10.22pm
:: Mood: embarrassed
:: Music: andy c.

susanis a winner (10:07:41 PM): i like smoking pot after sx
susanis a winner (10:07:43 PM): *sex
susanis a winner (10:07:47 PM): it's the best thing in the world
susanis a winner (10:07:49 PM): mmm
ruthann561 (10:07:54 PM): what?
ruthann561 (10:08:26 PM): umm... wrong im?
susanis a winner (10:08:31 PM): hahahahaha
susanis a winner (10:08:32 PM): oh my god
ruthann561 (10:08:34 PM): please?
susanis a winner (10:08:34 PM): i wish i was dead
ruthann561 (10:09:29 PM): first of all, i dont need to know about ur sex preferences... second of all, i really dont need to know u still smoke pot after this summer.... but thanks anyway... (although i am here for you should u want to talk about it)
susanis a winner (10:10:34 PM): okay
susanis a winner (10:10:38 PM): this conversation is very over
susanis a winner (10:10:42 PM): it was a very big mistake
susanis a winner (10:10:50 PM): haha don't go tell mom
susanis a winner (10:13:58 PM): damn
susanis a winner (10:14:04 PM): and we never talk online either
susanis a winner (10:14:56 PM): um
ruthann561 (10:14:59 PM): hah... imagine if this happened more often
susanis a winner (10:15:01 PM): so are you just not going to answer ?
susanis a winner (10:15:07 PM): oh phew
susanis a winner (10:15:08 PM): oh man
susanis a winner (10:15:09 PM): listen
susanis a winner (10:15:15 PM): that was a terrible mistake that we never need to discuss

OH MY GOD I WISH I WAS DEAD . if only you knew my sister and you would understand the TRUE NATURE of this horrible incident .

:: 2004 11 September :: 1.42pm
:: Mood: happy
:: Music: alicia keys - if i ain't got you

so it all boils down to the four magical m's and i guess that's all i really need to make me happy ...

"some people want it all , but i don't want nothing at all if it ain't you . some people want diamond rings . some just want everything , but everything means nothing if i ain't got you . "

:: 2004 10 September :: 12.05am
:: Mood: contemplative
:: Music: maroon 5 - sunday morning

" ... but things just get so crazy , living life gets hard to do ... "

she told me i live my life as if there were a big suitcase on the floor , only i don't know what's inside and i'm afraid there may be something in there i don't like , so i leave it lying there and just step over it everytime i come across it , ignoring what's inside . and she said to me , " you have to open that suitcase . you have to face reality ."

:: 2004 26 August :: 8.48pm
:: Mood: excited
:: Music: family guy

susanis a winner (8:40:17 PM): oh man
susanis a winner (8:40:20 PM): if you think you love me now
susanis a winner (8:40:25 PM): just wait until sunday rolls around .
--------- (8:40:30 PM): rolls!
--------- (8:40:32 PM): on sunday!
susanis a winner (8:40:33 PM): no no no
--------- (8:40:36 PM): woo!
susanis a winner (8:40:39 PM): that has nothing to do with this
susanis a winner (8:40:40 PM): hahaha

:: 2004 8 August :: 5.37pm
:: Mood: indifferent
:: Music: counting crows ft. vanessa carlton - big yellow taxi

it's like a silent retaliation . an answer to the questions you're yelling at me ... only you'll never hear it , just like you never hear my responses , whether they're said calmly or furiously or frustrated or beautiful and silent . so take this , plus the two from last night , and ignore them because you'll never understand . and forget that i sat and smiled even though you didn't call me down when the guests of honor arrived , and forget that i have barely left the house . notice , instead , that i'm watching television . ask me why the sudden change , although it's neither sudden nor a huge change ; if anything , a return to what used to be . describe to me my value in the fewest amount of words possible . encourage my artistic side . shoot down with filthy words my latest journals or visions of the future . dirty the purest thing i have with your selfish , inconsiderate , rude , unnecessary comments ... i can take it . just leave me the two things i have because it's all i need , and next time you see me comfortable on the couch , be sure to take into account everything i said today , if you ever do take the time to listen .

:: 2004 8 August :: 4.31am
:: Mood: happy
:: Music: norah jones - don't know why

when you called today , it made me so happy . you're all i see ... everything around you is a blur . you're all i can focus on .

:: 2004 27 July :: 9.47pm
:: Mood: disappointed
:: Music: joss stone - the chokin' kind

sometimes some things make you unsure about whether the little things tell everything or don't really tell anything at all ... and sometimes you just don't know which way you'd prefer it to be . lo mas dificil es estar peleando para quedarte donde estas y estar feliz con lo que ya tienes pero la gente que tienes te manda mas y mas lejos con cada dia y al mismo tiempo tienes el otro lado jalandote con toda fuerzo y mil llamadas pa' ya. y para que pelear si aya es mejor en todos los sentidos ? cuando estoy aqui me quiero irme y cuando estoy aya no quiero ni pensar en lo que me esta esperando aqui . las razones se quitan una por una y todas las aciones de ellos despruevan todo lo que estoy usando para convencerme que aqui hay algo con que quedarme ... por mi , lo tengo todo decidido , pero por ellos no ... pero al fin , por quien es que voy a vivir mi vida ?

2 lovers | i love susan.

:: 2004 15 July :: 1.07am
:: Music: Dieselboy - Human

I'm back in WEST BOCA! I love the feeling of home and house to myself.

4 lovers | i love susan.

:: 2004 2 July :: 10.38pm

Summeroak St.
To never see her again. The girl of his dreams goes back to Brazil to start a new life, to avoid the turmoil and misdirection she's gone through the brief years she's spent here. He thinks to himself, one day he'll meet her again unable to accept the fact that these moments were fleeting, he hopes he'll never forget, all the fireworks and walks they shared during that one lonely summer. Every knock on his door is a wish that it's her return, it's a false hope and he realizes this, realizes permanence.

:: 2004 21 June :: 4.20am
:: Music: dixie chicks - landslide

My heart has been broken a hundred different ways. Is there anyone who can help put it back together?

2 lovers | i love susan.

:: 2004 17 June :: 12.47pm

I live in Orlando now, but I'm refraining from changing the name of this journal to "From the mean streets of OTOWN!" because I think "From the mean streets of WEST BOCA!" has a better ring to it. I'm building a new journal site anyhow, stay tuned.

:: 2004 17 June :: 12.33pm

The Gemini War.
He's continually looking into her eyes,as she goes on to explain that blonde is her natural hair color, and asks does he like it long? short? emo? punk?. Don't lose eye contact with her he thinks to himself, because to him this is a staring game and he wants to overtake her with one fall swoop. He tells her, "I feel like nothing around you, you have complete control over me, you know that?" They're two manic-depressives battling for ground, all he thinks is war war war all of the time, even moments like these are strategically planned operations to conquer the vastly superior enemy. This time Ruby isn't around she says in a softer voice as she inches towards his frontline, his defenses breached at the moment, but he tries to fend off her assault by instigating conversation about two Italian restaurants across town and how they never crossed paths or how she never showed up to his parties when she thought she'd be there but was always there when he'd least expect it and his rambling is but a steady barrage, at an increasing rate of fire, but now his position is severly compromised. Hands make their way onto waists and now there is no retreat. His belt is undone. He counters by using his thumbs to get her jeans button undone. And now it is hand-to-hand combat in the middle of this battlefield as his hands make their way from waist to upper thighs, and the story ends here but know that it was a quick incursion as they had left the door slightly ajar.