Some Things Never Do Change
Forget my school day, that's not important.

I actually went back to school this afternoon.. It was to see the art show!! Featured artists tonight were: Rae, Tessa, Aliya, and Arianne. All there work was amazing! *drools* I absolutley love Rae's work.... it's so personal and from the heart that I just connect with it.. I loved lots of the other pieces too! Tessa's abstract representations absorb the mind in thought. Aliya blew me away with her pieces, particularly that self-portrait. Arianne's abstract and textural tactics also absorb the mind, the colors were just awesome! Bravo to all of you!

Tom came too, that was cool. He met Amanda and Amalia and some of the artists (that one interpretation thing was hilarious...!!). The four of us talked outside for a bit before heading back to our cars. Tom was stupid like me and parked in the Main Lot so we talked for a bit before each heading home. Fun times.


My army friend actually made it online and IMed me!!

Bittersweet. Why do I care so much?! Not like I know him in real life..


[Him:] you should take better care of yourself
[Me:] should ((*note Lauren tactic = props*))
[Him:] yes you should
[Me:] I did put it [sleep] before work it was good for me!
[Him:] you need to sleep more
[Me:] not gonna happen
[Him:] i know, you don't have time
[Me:] exactly
[Me:] dont worry bout me
[Him:] i have to
[Me:] why?
[Him:] not sure
[Him:] i just do
[Me:] : )
[Me:] thanks
[Him:] anytime

Fire is the Devil's only friend.
Intro's been censored... It was a bit apocolyptic.
: P

Oh.. *attaches more warning labels to this post*

Studied history for like.. 8 hours yesterday. Something's wrong with my ability to focus and comprehend and then remember and recall. Damn it.

Wallet stayed at home.. no ID. No Driver's Liscense. Go me.

Hmm.. problems in the morning. I'm stupid. Small fight with my sister.

Math.. helped Mr. Power fill out his course work sheets. It was really funny.

Spanish.. studied history. Got a quiz back. Went mildly okay..

TOK we colored. Didn't color what I wanted to color... but it was still relaxing. Listening to music helps and classical was very beneficial. Reminded me that I hate silence. Studied more history.

Chemistry was all notes. Reviewed more history. Something unsettling pervaded the air.

Bell rang and I moved off to Hall's room. Not the first test I've taken with him so I know.. he hates people being late.
IDs? 6. I knew somewhat? 3. Screwed? Looks like it.
MC? Estimated guess? Missed at least 10. Screwed? Easily.
Essay? Compare and contrasts the origin, develpement, and influences of the Populist and Progressive reform movents. Want to tell me it's easy? I'll probably slap you with words like I did to other people. I'm so stupid I didn't even know the Populist movement. What was I studying?!? Screwed? Beyond a shadow of a doubt.

Let's see.. then what was next? Ran to Walgreens to pick up food/drinks for the kids, ran home, ran out to volunteer. We were running late naturally, since we tried desperately to find something edible on the run in the house.

I walk in to the center and what's the first thing I see? Edgar reading. I was overjoyed for him yes, but it was a blow. It hurt... that I couldn't get him to that.. but Ale's book could. He wouldn't say hi to me either. Played that off. New teen girl was there, I'll say it pissed me off. Majorly. Well, there weren't many kids so I did absolutely. All I could think about was the 1000 word essay and the waste of time and the stress. There was a bit of helping with Erica. Not happy with how she's helped most of the time. The rest of this analysis is moved.

I apologize Krystle, for whatever you'd like an apology for. I wasn't mad at you yesterday. But I have to say, in the chats we've had recently after the wednesdays, you have been attacking me.
Probably my fault anyway though, sorry.

Finally on the way home and there's a fight with my sister over a volunteering incident.

I pull down the 2nd long street in my neighborhood and slow down, eyes straining to focus on something in the middle of the road. The two beams of my headlights barely converge in the middle and thus the object is still obscured in shadows. My first instict is the cone those people usually put out to slow cars down for their bratty kids who remain playing in the street. But the object seems twisted somehow.. bent out of shape and lying oddly, not how I'd expect a cone to be. My immediate next thought is a human being. Dear God did someone get hit here in my neighborhood and left in the middle of the road?? I slow the car down quickly, breathing heavy but my sister notices nothing. Steering to the far right side of the road, I come up on the object. When the lights finally bring the object from obscure to brilliantly clear I see a flash of an image: a man lying parallel to the sides of the road, arm outstretched with head resting on it. The car comes to a stop and my mind freezes before my eyes can focus again on what the lights are shining on. Now I see it is just the cone, hit by a car to land in a weird position. Such a lovely scare to end the night.


But the night was not over.

Kyo was online. He didn't IM me last time so I IMed him. If you saw the chat you'll know why I was in the mood I was in. It was up here... but it's down now.

Chatted with Tom tonight also. Some topics came up and still the night was stretched out.

Was there another important chat tonight? Probably. Usually is.

I finally got to start the 1000 words. Typed about 150 before I nearly collapsed. Printed that out and went to bed. Wrote the rest in math the next morning.

Isn't life grand?

Unearthing the past... But how long is past? I've lost Yesterday.. then is Tomorrow lost too?
This is wednesday and I can't remember what happened yesterday. How sad is that? I know it was bad..

I remember sunday I went and saw The Return of the King. It was long but very awesome! And Gollum was scary!!! o_O Tom came down and accompanied me, we laughed a lot.

Oh! Right! The first day back.
Well, following the current tradition of absolutely horrid days back... tuesday was fun.

Let's see...
Ever been with a group of friends and look at them and see this smile.. like they know something. Like all of them know the same thing, shared the same fun experience.. and you stand there completely lost because there was no decency to clue you in on what you missed even though you know that if you were told everything it still wouldn't be the same. (Somehow that entire blurb is a question without a question mark.. yep.) Well that was morning. Forever scarred from Friday. Add it to the list of deprivation.

Math class... took the make-up test. It was.. okay. Dunno, almost left the last problem completely blank.. but then tried harder on it and I may have gotten it.. Damn I didn't need to do poorly on that test.

Shilit's.. got yelled at for something.. oh needing to take the vocab quiz. Then about drifting asleep during her Scarlet Letter talking while others were already asleep.

One good thing happened between here and Hall's. Talked to someone and I was SO happy. Then walked into Hall's and he spoke to me so... gruffly? However it was it was upsetting and I just nose dived in my mind. That's what you saw Amanda. And.. when Hall raised his voice at the class through the rest of the period I kinda cowered. Not a good sign huh? My sister already fears loud noises and now I can't handle them much either. Well.. loud voices at least.
Not looking forward to that test/essay either.

Band.. the lazy class right? Still haven't even looked at the stuff I'm supposed to play for that quiz......
So we're setting up to play the music for the concert and for like the past 3 classes Leah and I have been working mainly on the duet.. so I couldn't remember any of it. Played it through a bit before he started.. but hadn't actually learned it.
Have I mentioned that I play mallets on 2 of the 4 songs and play in 3 of the 4? Have I mentioned that I'm the only one in Wind Symphony who plays mallets in any of the songs? NO ONE else plays mallets. He thinks I'm good? Or he thinks mallets are for females to play?
Well, couldn't really play the pieces.. so he's like.. yelling but not. You all know those quite and calm yells. Criticizing without naming and listing those who can play it and those who can't. And threatening that those who can't won't play in the concert. That'd be where the comments of 'This is the best you can do??' and 'How sad of a player would you have to be to not be able to play this simplistic music?!'

That would be the final switch in turning dark. Apologies to Krystle, Anderson, and Meredith for my reactions. It was nothing against them.. just myself. Needless to say, I can play the pieces now. But this day was just totally horrid.

Can't remember... probably got yelled at when I came home too.

No_Ones_Here
Something Has Happened!
You are now eligible to use 'Valentine Chia' as an avatar on the NeoBoards!

(atryeu has given you Fuzzie)

(warelin has given you Bear)


Ummm... slept till 2. Made myself stay in bed that long. Didn't talk to them.

Got screamed at again.. had to leave the room. Won't let them touch me. Won't eat the food they bring me. Ignore their bribes.

They've yet to ask me what's wrong. Smart move isn't it?

Debating on going out or not... The beach does sound like a nice get away. And Kai and Kyo wanted something of the ocean for their gifts.

All for now.

Mind Over Matter
Warning!: Much venting may be found here. Read at your discretion.

Another run down of events? Yes?

Wednesday... yeah, it was my fault again. I was semi freaking out over where Katie was... got home and am like, "So when was I told she had pinao?" Got yelled at for not knowing since I was finishing a conversation on the phone. So yeah, once again that was my fault... naturally.
Volunteering... didn't go too well again. I'm gonna have to forget friendships and things and do what I feel is right for the kids..... just be sure to slap me when I fuck up and can't handle change/loss of control/whatever else is wrong. But hopefully when I handle this stuff friendships and things won't change.... last thing I need.

Yes, yesterday I didn't go to school. Lauren convinced me it was the right thing. I spent all wednesday night after volunteering studying.. then at 2 I'm like 'crap.. I didn't fill out the roses yet.' Naturally there were problems with that.. so I spent an hour on that, finished getting ready for bed, and went to bed. I thought about it... and could not recall anything from history. That meant if I went tomorrow I'd be BEYOND screwed. Well, throughtout that day I'd noticed my head particularly not doing well. It felt like jelly. Oo So maybe not having a decent lunch (wow that's new) and not having dinner contributed to my feeling like vomitting and all that. I was shaking, etc.. possibly mentally induced since I knew I'd have to fight to stay home thursday morning.
Well the morning came and I rolled over and said I didn't feel well, etc. Low and behold he pulls the covers off and gets me up. I ate half the bowl of cereal then just rolled into fetal position. I was sick of all the freaking crap going on. Finally he got the message and let me go back upstairs. I slept till 3:30 when mom and Katie came in. Got up and had some bread and jelly. Went upstairs and finally came on the computer. What did I get to do? Deal with about a dozen things. Kai-chan isn't happy with me.. sort of. Big surprise there. Kyo..... I don't know if something is up or if it's all in my head and I'm making a freaking huge deal out of nothing... but it's really hurting. Gut tells me something's up.
Well... this'll be where dad comes in after I reminded mom about the plans I had friday afternoon (she was an avid no also, just because she can say no). He was near livid.. sort of. Said absolutely not. They have no idea what they're stopping me from doing. He was mad... but kept telling me he wasn't. I'm just like, "Stop lying to me. I know you're mad." So yeah. I was just beside myself. And stayed up till like.. 1 again because I had no reason to get better.

Figured out he was mad because I was too sick to go to school thursday but 'miraculously' better friday to go out. But they said they were fine with me going with them.. believed I wasn't contagious or anything, which I wasn't.

Friday would be today. Friday the 13th. On the way downstairs for the car I looked out the window and it was completely foggy. Solitary. We were in a cloud. Completely isolated. It felt sorta like me.
I was afraid about the roses... sent the lucky number of 13. Yes, I like to jinx myself for extra comfort. But I actually got 6! I was so stunned. And... I'm sorry to those I didn't get a rose for this year. I couldn't spend that much and had candy... but didn't get to giving it out. -.-;; Don't take it as anything.
Hmm.. completely failed that math test... Like.. I never thought I'd do that bad. SO better be able to make it up with the second half. Got to meet Seniora Myers. She is a very nice woman. Saw the end of Like Water for Chocolate in spanish. That was too funny. TOK was evil. I've a freaking 80. And the class was completely worthless. Chem... was heartbreaking. Hmm.. failed a couple more tests. I've a 71 in the class. How sad is that? Not good AT ALL. -.- Damn.
Lunch was pretty okay... Got my 6th rose there.
I went out to the parkinglot with some of them... and I stood there while they got in a car together... and just smiled, wishing them a good weekend and happy valentines, telling them to have fun, and returning the 'love you's. Then walked with someone to their car, got a very touching thank you, then went to my car to sit and stare. I was... mmm.
So I get home and grab a snack and sit and watch Xena for half an hour when mom and Katie come home. Thought they were supposed to be at piano... First things I hear: (Mom:) 'KRISTEN?!?!!!' (Katie:) 'You're in trouble...' Turns out I was supposed to drive Katie home. Like I knew that after the plans were for me going out. So yeah, I opted out of getting screamed at again and after having to call dad to tell him I'd been home for the past half hour, I went upstairs, grabbed Gundam Wing: Endless Waltz which I'd been saving for a similar kind of situation, shut myself in the back room, and yeah.

So hear I am..... They've no idea what they took away today.
I'm not planning on really eating. Nothing really new but yeah. And I won't talk to them fully. Or go downstairs and open whatever gift it is dad was given. Mom came in with a valentine's gift. I really don't care.

Mind over matter. If I believe I'll get better than I will. If I believe it'll never end then it won't go away so easily. Mental health breaks are a necessity. Everyone else's parents understand this...

into the hurricane
So I'm walking up the stairs right? And I'm thinking to myself... what's the one thing that's bound to happen that'll make this another horrible week?

Nope, isn't more work.. that's already happened.

Yep! It's the wonderful family relations.

So I just knew something had to happen... since it just can't be easy for a change.

I hate being right.


And I've half a mind to just drop out of this duet.. I swear. I just freaking found out it's THIS FRIDAY!!! You know.. someone told me that last week... that I actually only had less than a week to prepare.. and I told them not to tell me that. I completely erased it from my mind. oO;;

So you know... it's not at superior level yet. And if we don't get a superior there... I'll blame myself naturally. Who else's fault could it be? I don't want to think about that weekend.

Damnit to be trapped in hell. Keep the week of horrible-ness moving slow... or speed up and face the weekend...?


Hmm.. I think maybe I actually got a little more than 12 hours of sleep last week.. I'm thinking around 15 maybe.
We'll see how this week goes. Already down for 3ish hours. And I was exhausted today... stupid carry over.


Anything else interesting?

Screw band... he's actually trying to give us playing tests every week. Any idea the kind of stress??? I don't have time for that!!

Oh, and I guess I do learn some stuff at the sectional.. but it'd taint the image to say so.


I want to talk to some people....... but I feel like all I do is bother them.. and only focus on when I need help. Not like I'm always there to listen to and help them... but when I want to talk it's like I feel all I'm doing is bothering them and they have better things to do. That and they're dealing with their own stuff so what good would it do to put my problems on them too?


Wonder how many tylenol I can take until I feel better.... we have those pretty gel capsules and a really big bottle that's in my medicine cabinet..


Maybe more later as I procrastinate some more..

'I wanna go to sleep at night again...'
Forced into late night entries. Will money solve the problems that could make my life an ounce easier?


Hmm.. update on what's up..


My drill sergeant army friend got promoted recently. To um.. sergeant general? No.. the one below 1st sergeant in the NCO section..
He also got reassigned. To Iraq. He moves out to the desert wednesday. And he was good person for me to talk to too... He'll be gone a year. Another person and his family for me to pray for.


My nice new stalker is strangely there for me.. it's a comfort most of the time.. mainly. Not that he can really understand. But at least he can flatter a girl.


Kai's contemplating something important I 'discussed' with her. Though she really has no choice.. Still, that'll keep her away I bet, though I presume not more than a week this time.


Kyo's been having a hard weekend it seems.. and sometimes he's strongly there for me.. sometimes he's not. Hard to know if he needs the support or what.


Tom's been talking to me recently. Not sure if that's good or bad but he seems interested in my mental well being. I seem to attract people with the fact that I don't tell them what's really going on inside or what's happened. Some things no one knows at all. He's very nice though and I often enjoy his distractiveness from whatever homework I should be doing.


Umm.. What else?

Marta says she's coming back to visit late February.. hope that goes well.


Lerner's a jerk.


Need to keep up with Mike. And lumiakka. And all of my old Tabby/MT circle friends.. I really miss them.


Where's Stephanie??? And we need to do something with Chris soon... I miss them all so much.


I hate school. Glad to know I did little work this weekend. Just when I needed to work the most. It's only 1.. I still have at least 2 good hours to do it..


Problems in band.......... yeah, I'll leave it at that. Damn my hatred of lies to the extent that they confirm the things I don't want to know completely. Damn it all then.


My very best friend...... one of two.. I hold them so dear to my heart.. She's still here.... and she's considering Emory. Does that sway me? It's been years........ does she even remember me? Or miss me like I've missed her and the third member of our group..? I don't want to consider.


Umm.. yeah. That's good for now.


Staring into the intersection
She thinks she can fly and she might
Holding on in a new direction
She's gonna try it tonight

The closer I get to feeling
The further I'm feeling from alright
The more I step into the sun
The more I step out of the light

random talks that almost let you connect with someone define mixed emotions.. too late
Something Has Happened!
You are now eligible to use 'Kacheek Swim' as an avatar on the NeoBoards!



I had a post all nice and.. done two days ago, but then buttons got hit and it refreshed and erased the post. Could be a good thing though since it was full of cursing...

Ya see... Kai IMed me wednesday night. That's correct, it wasn't the weekend. I was beyong shock... I think I stared at the IM with a gaping mouth for several minutes.

I wasn't in a polite, glad-she-IMed-me mood. I was in a give-me-freaking-answers-now mood.

She tells me she's been away for 3ish months because things got to be too much and she needed a break from everything and everyone. *Points down to the chat with Kyo* That tells me there is something else. Besides my gut telling me so.

That really pissed me off though.. that she insists there was no real thing that kept her away for so long and unable to tell us.. specifically me, why she was away and how long she'd be gone.

I found this funny (revised):

[Kai:] I have to go. School tomorrow. You can eat away at me tomorrow night, how's that sound eh?
[Kai:] I'll be on longer.
[Me:] I'm afraid to believe you'll be on at all.
[Kai:] I'll be on, god dammit.
[Me:] And if you want to freaking curse then you do it after you have some credibility.
[Me:] Oh yes.. tomorrow at 7:30 my time is the last showing of my school play. I'll be there and not online naturally.
[Kai:] I'll still be around somehow.
[Me:] Don't be unless you actually happen to be.
[Kai:] Mh.. I'll be on, really.

Dunno, the cursing part I found funny.

So yeah, if I've seemed excessively happy, take a guess at the reverse. If I've been ignoring you or something, same thing.


Sorry Amanda, your book is really intimidating and I'm working myself over there. ^^;;


So does Win a Date with Tad Hamilton definitely beat out Down with Love? Hmm..

Jenga! Yay! Watch the pieces fall and you lose!
So I promised a few people what happened yesterday.. so yeah, I'll write that up now.

Yesterday.. also known as the... "I'm Totally Screwed" Day or a "great start to the fourth-week-in-a-row-let's-kill-Kristen streak!"

Yeah. So we all know saturday I took the SATs and probably didn't do well. [Did see Big Fish but that's a good thing and can't be mentioned in this kinda post eh?] Sunday.. what happened sunday again? Well dad left for another trip.. and I did work..

So sunday-monday was 2 lovely hours of sleep. You heard me. Chem test I tried to study for after helping some people.. Bed by 4ish. Mom came in.. and woke me up since dad's gone.. and said: 'It's 6:30. You have 20 minutes to get ready and leave..' It took me a minute to get it... and just went 'Ah damn. This is gonna screw my day.'

Up and ready by 7. Breakfast was a bag of 3 sugar cookies to eat through out the day. Good thing there wasn't a fight over throwing out nearly all the food last night...

Hmm.. Morning was hecticly trying to do chem for that impossible worksheet.

Math was a like 50 questions for homework.

Spanish was.. okay I guess, but didn't pay attention to the stuff the quiz is all on next class so I'll fail that. Studied chem instead.

Lunch.. Gum transferred itself from the bottom of my backpack to the back of my jeans. Thrilling. Ate a few nuggets, the rest got slid across the floor. Other things happened here I wasn't happy about that I don't need to mention.

TOK was interesting, sure, but work. Participated.. but don't think she took notice. Self-deprication and studying for chem.

Straight to chem class. I miss third lunch. Chem test.... I blanked. It was so horrible. So I completely failed that test. Danny tells me something that completely throws me and hit me hard. Not something said.. but something he plans to do next year. Don't ask. But yeah, something else in that class bothers me a lot too. A lot, a lot.

Drum sectional. I knew something bad would happen here...... For some reason I sat a chair away from everyone. They noticed and I was just like.. not a good day. They never did listen to my day. So I'm there, trying to pay attention and be good and all.. when what does he do?? Starts calling kids up to play a random exercise. Once again I wasn't feeling well, probably from little dinner, no breakfast, and little lunch but eh. Course he just had to call me up and I'm like: 'No.. please just not today..' Now if anyone actually knows this side of me.... I don't like to play by myself in front of other people. Especially like that. Weird, to have that problem and play the instrument I play, I know.. but yeah. So I couldn't focus and all and completely messed up and looked stupid. I can read that part. Damn it. So I'm just like. My day is completely screwed. That's the end of it.

He held us till like.. 5 minutes to 5. Home late. Worked till late. 5 hours of sleep. I've been hostile before and since. Things that I were counting on making me feel better online didn't happen. Though one of my new stalkers really came through for me.

Hmm... I think there were some other things... but I've already blocked them from my mind. Oh, my muscles really hurt. Probably since I'm either writing or typing and not sleeping.. so they don't get to rest.

That's enough out of me tonight right? Yeah.. that's good.

Catfish Tell The Best Stories
*POINTS TO THE POST BELOW THIS* IF YOU READ MY STORY YOU MUST COMMENT ON THE QUESTIONS OR WRITE HOW IT MADE YOU FEEL. HMPH.

Even Krystle did it so you have no choice, whoever hasn't posted after reading yet.. oO;


Yeah, so I took the SATs today. Don't think I did well. Cold started clouding my thought for the beginning.
First time I ever omitted questions... ever. 12 of them. Damnit. I need to work on my math.
Lola was in my class, she's really nice. We talked for a bit after the test.

Who wants to see The Perfect Score with me once it comes out?


After the tets I started to feel really ill.. in several ways. I'm thinking maybe the stress I was supposed to have over the test but never really get is hitting me... maybe. But I stopped by Publix and bought some snacks... since there's nothing really here. ( Well, there is now since dad leaves on other trip. -.- ) The getting-a-dress thing didn't seem to work out.... don't think I would've been able to go though.


Got home and Dusty just looked at me, looking out the garage door to the street. He's really really really wanted to go on a walk for a while. I keep telling myself I'll take him after school everyday once I set up the routine... but too much stuff happens after school. So as soon as we got out there he started running! It was amazing how much he ran.. uncommon. Hopefully I can get him out more often...


Katie went to her recital today. Didn't understand til mom told me. I think she did well, have to ask her tomorrow. Someone else forgot their piece.. and if this ever gets around to them then they did very well for their first recital. They're hard until you get used to them, especially with a long/difficult piece.


She replied. That story I wrote? I sent an email after it to her. If you people noticed the day after I wrote it I couldn't focus on anything as I thought about her reply being there when I got home. *Drops down to look at the date* Yep, that was a few days ago. "I check it daily" = lies/avoidance. So yeah, now I'm all weird. Yet again she's promised to come online over the weekend. I hope too much. I talked to her about hope before. Damn it all why do I still hope?


If you had been talking to me today, you might have my weirdness. Really not feeling well.. *to above* She updated her journal too.. and said something.. that I have to help with. -.- She has to accept this kind of help neh? Can't think about what would happen if I didn't....


Went out and saw Big Fish with Krystle. I absolutely loved it. It was just what I needed today. ^^
I loved what they talked about... and Ms. Zap was right, it does correlate to Socrates and Plato. Wish I could reflect.

Is it just me? I always grew up watching the credits, even clapping at the end of a movie. I mean, the credits are to all the people who worked hard to put that movie together. What else do they get? And it's a perfect time to reflect. But people just leave the room as soon as the movie concluded. I find it so rushed and weird.. have they other things to do that they can't leisurely walk away from a movie with a sense of completion or impression?
True some credits just get annoying, then you leave.
( This isn't directed toward anyone, just a general thing incorporated into today's movie )


I wished on a star tonight. I laughed when I remembered the rhyme you say before you make a wish. I made many wishes. I think it was a planet... but it was impressive so either way it should be able to handle my many wishes. Only a few duplicates were for me.


I'm sorry I haven't been keeping up with your journals.. I dunno, needed some kind of break. I'm working on catching up. Updated myself on Lauren's first ( only cause she posts less ^.~ ) then I'll go to yours Amanda. I'm weird eh? I feel compelled to comment on every post... I guess cause I know what impact it has to know it was read and thought about..

Where can we find the Key of the Twilight?
-.-
I don't like to be lectured to. Maybe you could see that I've already been doing exactly what you're saying and I DEAL WITH MORE THAN YOU DID AT MY AGE!!! Good grief!! He tried to say that I dealt with normal teen things only: Does that boy like me? Do I fit it? How do I look? I nearly flipped out on him when he didn't believe I deal with things he will never have to deal with. He dropped out of college to join the army. Just compare school work and I top him.

Is it odd... that I'll let some people just believe I'm listening to their advice and humoring them? I tell them what they want to hear to make them happy. But in my mind I am saying completely different things... like leave me alone, or that's a stupid thing, or something. I tried to humor this guy's advice.. but he made me mad. He told me to do what I'd been doing.. but didn't acknowledge that it was what I'd been doing. And the like.

No, I haven't been reading your journals. I know... it's really odd. But.. I think I'm trying to take a break from people and problems and hassles since I have so much of my own. If you need me, or need to talk about something, still feel free to come to me about them! Makes me feel important or useful. But I don't think I'll go looking for them for a bit... until I can straighten some stuff out.

It seems Kyo was online all friday. I think maybe I had been waiting for him to IM me... a sign of caring and concern and immediate waiting for me no? I guess he figured to give me space and wait for me to IM him if I needed him. But from the previous IM I'd think he'd know better...


Analysis 3 from last post:
Sometimes when I choose what I'm wearing in the morning, I go completely off how I'm feeling. It usually is what I feel like wearing at that moment.. but sometimes I wear what reflects inner feelings. That all black outfit... that was the inside. Whenever I wear/wore that one it was of the inside. I turned a lot of heads with that.. surprised people.. but I wasn't really trying to be Goth, as my sister tells me I looked nothing like that 'category'. And the outfit with the short cropped shirt and jean jacket... another inside of me. Turned a lot of heads with that one too.. especially in bad. Several sides to each outfit, don't assume anything.

Shelly only lives 5 minutes from me!! That really does help me..

I have a massive headache... tylenol doesn't cut through it.. and certain people aren't helping.. I do agree with you Krystle.. I have a bad feeling about it too.. but I don't know enough about the situation to do anything as of yet....
Should I share this? The thought struck me... I dunno.. Alright sure, for those poor souls who have followed my dribble about Kai and Kyo without knowing anything about them.. this won't help ya! LOL Oo;; But still.

TWilli: Hi again
Kyo: 'Eve.
TWilli: How was your day?
Kyo: It was good except that I got smacked in the face and my braces cut my lip and it bled a lot.
Kyo: Now there's a hole in my lip that my braces keep getting caught on and pulling.
Kyo: I'm like
Kyo: Ow.
Kyo: lol
TWilli: AWWW owie smacked? by whom?
TWilli: and try some wax..
Kyo: I had to go home to eat and my friends didn't want me to go so they all dog piled on me.
Kyo: And in the process I got smacked.
Kyo: And wax is a good idea. Let me see if I can find mine.
Kyo: ^^
Kyo: Yay!
Kyo: I found it!
Kyo: Haven't even used any of it yet.
Kyo: Not since last January.
Me: You're busy eh?
Kyo: Busy?
Me: yes you seem distracted away for long periods
Kyo: That would be because my IMs don't flash.
Me: oh
Me: how has Kai been these last few days?
Kyo: *Shrugs* Dunno.
Me: The honest truth?
Kyo: No, it's not.
Kyo: She's been fine, as far as I can tell.
Me: Don't lie to me Kyo.
Kyo: I'm sorry...
Me: No, you're not
Kyo: I am sorry. I hate having to lie.
Kyo: If I don't lie to you, I lie to Kai.
Kyo: I'm always sorry, having to fucking lie all the time.
Kyo: It's horrible...
Kyo: And please pardon my language.
Me: Then don't. Don't tell the truth either, if you've been sworn not too, just tell me 'you can't say'
Me: Dont ever freaking lie to me though trust doesnt come easily from me
Kyo: I'm sorry...
Kyo: I really am.
Me: All in all, I guess I'd rather that you lie to me and not Kai. I'd rather you kept with her side and away from me. I understand when she comes first so I guess I'd prefer it that way.
Me: I only wanted to know if she was doing well..... because she did not send me the reply she promised me on friday.
Kyo: Ugh... I really loathe being in the middle of this crap. I'm sorry. ><
Me: Don't be. It's not fair for you to be in the middle. And I really try not to ask much about Kai from you.. but it gets harder.
Kyo: I understand. I really do.
Me: Can I ask something else (unrelated to Kai.. I think...) without you feeling worse than you might already feel?
Kyo: Go for it.
Me: What were you up to friday?
Kyo: Friday...
Kyo: Ummm...
Kyo: Nothing?
Me: Or was it thursday...? The day you promised you be back for me and free from exams
Kyo: I went a concert on Thursday.
Kyo: Last night I went to a party.
Kyo: I was on all day on Friday. oO
Me: oO Let me see
Me: Alright whatever
-Random unhappy end of convo-

reflections of a monstrosity
I tried to post this.. and aol shut off, then I didn't have any motivation to post anything. I still don't. Deal.
Here's a summary of things I remember:

1/7
First day of TOK. I think I'll like the class.. I like the philosophical stuff and all that.. I just have to be in that mode. Ms. Zapp is... interesting. It's what she wore today that caught me off guard. Let's see.... what was it...? Orange turtle neck with a white (? that or a solid color) undershirt, khaki corderoy (sp) skirt, white leggings, slip on type dark brown shoes. It was... interesting. Props to Amanda for the connection with Professor Trelawny comment. That's who I thought of! Just couldn't connect completely.
The rest of today was a bad day... not sure what happened anymore.

1/8
It was another bad day I'm sure. Something about a certain person making an important decision. Among some other things.

1/9
Zapp was completely out of line and her comments were uncalled for. *blacklisting* This did not boost my self esteem.
What else? Semi okay from what I remember.. PEGS. A few bumps.

1/10-11
Weekend.... I dunna like weekends except for the fact that there's no school. Bad news on Sunday... I'm not letting it happen. -.-

1/12
Percussion sectional. Gilbert is... hmm. He remembers my name. He only remembered like... 4, because some had him as a teacher. He didn't even remember Jake.. So I'm a bit freaked I guess.. was hoping he wouldn't remember me and how bad I play. Leah wasn't here for this or class.. wonder if anything happened.
WHAT THE FREAKING HELL?!?!?! -.-
This is bad. Can't take this new development........... And if anyone freaking tells me Neopets is just a game and get over it I swear they won't be able to see for a week. Among other things.
See below for analysis.

1/13
Things are not good. I'm dealing with way too much shit. (Yes, when I'm very upset I curse now.. you'll see it frequently as of late.) There is way too much to deal with. And hw? Forget that. I'm up til 2 trying to deal with various things. People are such jerks that they think they can pull the variety of things they have.. but things are definitely changing. I really think I scared the kid when I told him I was-. Kyo must've been surprised too.. hmph. Well he helped calm me down.....
Mrdgray is my new offical stalker. He was actually a bit comforting today.
Oh, and today was bad too.

1/14
Mrs. Schilit's so sweet! She actually recognized I wasn't doing well (she's noticed before) and asked if I wanted to go to the nurse. I actually said it wasn't that kind of feeling unwell.. in front of the class.. and she asked if I wanted to see Ms. Kelly. I said no. Elaina asks if I was doing better after class. So nice of her. Certain people aren't catching my drift that I'm not in the mood to talk about anything and want them to leave me alone. People dare to give me attitude.. Nodded off several times in history.
Still have no idea what I should do for my EE.
Band was interesting.
Oh, there was another war last night too. What the hell is wrong with her for not letting us go do the community service?!?! Freaking hell. And the news about my program is not good. They faced too many things without me being there and someone thinks I don't need to know about a new though temp tutor. Doesn't fly. She came through your family I hear.
Report cards. Ask a couple million times. Told her I didn't want to deal with it. It's good she didn't push me.
GIVE ME MY FREAKING ITEM!!!! -.- I can't judge people over the interent. Well, I can... but lies are the hardest to decipher. And I hate them most of all.

Something Has Happened!
You are now eligible to use 'I *heart* Sloth' as an avatar on the NeoBoards!

1/15
Major detachment. See, I don't face these kinds of things... I battle them without actually being there.
Several more mini problems. My health is getting affected too I think.
The detachment is reflecting in my work... I don't do anything for myself, I need someone else to do it for me. Something like that. It's bad.
At least school's been ending quickly. Major relationship problems. Some people better stop acting up like they do.. and snapping at me like they did, or they'll see a whole new side of me they won't like. Hmph.
Oh, sorry to those I snapped at today.. yeah. And for the day of the history essay.. sorry about that but I DO NOT like to feel like I'm stupid. Or to be made to feel stupid. All of that. Besides, I was just so confused about this one section I couldn't explain what I didn't understand and needed her to help me. Though I feel like she doesn't like helping me.. makes sense.

Those who went to the SAT Prep skipped out on the last half and went to Ellie's. That was so awesome and I was happy.

Kyo promised me he'd be on... so did someone else. Of course they're not on when I rely on them. Kai promised to write me a reply tomorrow.. The last time she 'talked' to me was December 29, 2003. I think I'll busy myself instead of coming online.
More misconceptions? If he doesn't grow up I swear... Problems again with real life relationships.. I need to deal with some stuff soon. -.-


Analysis.
I hate black and whites. I either trust someone completely... or not at all. I don't trust easily, certainly there are key weaknesses.. but it is hard for me to trust.
Something's happened. I don't know the cause. My account's been thrown into a State of Mourning that scares people. Something important was taken from me and he had better pay it back or I'll retract my calmish replies and make life hell for him.

Oh, and now I do not trust anyone.... I don't care if I've known you for 6 years, you're a close confidant, you're family, or what. Things are majorly changing.


Analysis 2.
I might remember later.

I think there was even an Analysis 3..