all things must surely have to end

:: 2004 23 March :: 5.21pm

...and there are some disadvantages to my size.

3 sheila rides | daphne descends

:: 2004 22 March :: 11.04pm
:: Mood: way fine

gosh....my name is so pretty. and I'm pretty great too, for a spastic girl.

and things are going to be great. i'm going to stop being so mean and grumpy all the time. really. as long as i get out of english and algebra tomorrow as promised. if that doesn't happen i can't be responsible for my actions.

i haven't even gotten in trouble for the mailbox thing. i'm such a little scamp. hoo hoo.

and hey, seriously, what kind of dog attacks tires?

a really freaking awesome one, that's what.

and how does one go about training a dog to do that? or is it that thing that animals have...inborn senses or whatever.

2 sheila rides | daphne descends

:: 2004 20 March :: 11.07pm

I'm here with two difficult decisions. One will lead to my official unhappiness and freedom and the other....something else.

:: 2004 20 March :: 5.35am

It feels so good... It's been almost a year and I've been missing it. It makes me tingle...

Got the navel redone today too...

3 sheila rides | daphne descends

:: 2004 19 March :: 1.28pm

ha ha ha ha ha
i'm so not at school right now. it's awesome to the max.

3 sheila rides | daphne descends

:: 2004 18 March :: 10.19pm

Spell your first name back wards: nehoC htuR haraS

Nicknames?: Beans, Sarar, Sera

The story behind your msn/yahoo name: It's lame and I'd change it, but that would mean I'd have to transfer my buddy list

Boyfriend/Girlfriend?: nuh.lame.messy.

4 words that sum you up: aloof, quiet, pensive, fickle

Wallet: it's blue and bulky and canvas and it has a magnetic snap and it's hard to get things in and out of my stepmom got it for me for christmas a long time ago and it has a matching wallet-like purse, and it's from american eagel

Hairbrush: i ended up getting three for christmas, so i have like eight brushes, but the one i like was 99 cents and it's made out of wood

Jewellery you wear daily: i was wearing some earrings then i was wearing a necklace, but i get tired of jewlery

Pillow cover: one is pink and one has flowers, we found it in the dead man's shack

Coffee cup: i like the deformed one

Shoes: i like the blue ones that diana gave me even though they hurt my feet and don't keep them dry either

CD in stereo right now: ben folds, lifehouse, and the second vonda shepard soundtrack

What you are wearing now: scrubs, hilltop sweatshirt

In my mouth: bad smells

In my head: vrrrrrrooooooommmmmm

Eating: i had two boxes of wendy's chicken nugets...yesssssss

Some of your favorite movies: i don't know...there are a lot that i really liked, like...the elf, school of rock, big fish, starsky and hutch, fried green tomatos, molin rouge, happy campers, the emporers new groove,

Something you're looking forward to: not going to school tomorrow and spring and working and aspen and school being over, and fifth hour and graduating and europe and my new house and my dad's new house and getting a good grade on my assesments and being done with the scarlet letter, and the fifth book in the georgia diaries and the sixth harry potter, and not feeling so crappy

The last thing you ate?: lemon ice

Something that you are deathly afraid of?: getting in a car accident...or probably any accident, but mostly the car type

Do you like candles: not really.

Do you believe in a thing called love: not

Do you believe in love at first sight: no

Do you believe in forgiveness: most of the time, but usually i forgive and have resentment

If you could have any animal for a pet: an invisible one that doesn't need my attention or food or to go outside or make noise or smells

What are 3 places you wouldn't mind relocating to?: colorado, not cedar springs, paris

What's something you wish you could understand better?: the bible and the history of the world

Anyone you miss that you haven't seen in a long time?: no, seeing band campers once a year is probably enough for me, even though i like them and i saw sam last sunday so it hasn't been that long

In the last 24 hours, have you:

Cried: nope. i'm on a roll

Gotten sick: sort of

Sang: why, yes, i'm singing right now

Eaten: and how!

Felt stupid: i know i did something really really dumb, i just can't remember what it was

Hugged someone: yes, it made me feel sick inside

Wanted to tell someone you loved them: actually i wanted to tell a few people to get the hell away from me

Met someone new: yes, her name is tearny and she's from iowa and she's in eight grade and she's really cute

Talked to an ex: yes

Fought with your parents: no

Are you center of attention or the wallflower: super wallflower

What type of automobile do you drive: a dirty one

Would you rather be with friends or on a date: my friends

Do you attend church: yes, it's comforting if you don't really listen to what's being said, just let people be nice to you

Do you like being around people: not this week

Who have you known the longest: my mom, probably

Who do you argue the most with: dani and a-ron, and sometimes troy

Who do you always get along with: everyone else, i'm a lover not a fighter

Who has the coolest siblings: jessica benzer

Who is the smartest: spud, jess b or jess w

Who is your Hero: calvin coolidge and henry clay

:: 2004 18 March :: 12.25am

Mommy's t-bird
minivan
boom
airbags
broken glass
mangled metal
bye bye t-bird

2 sheila rides | daphne descends

:: 2004 17 March :: 7.11pm

It doesn't even give me a good feeling anymore.

:: 2004 16 March :: 8.56pm
:: Music: ben folds

so you want the freedom, but you know leaving the security is going to hurt really bad

but you also know that emotional rampages aren't normal and there's and oppressive akwardness that you can't get away from

and it's the little things...and that your whole relationship has been in the precarious situation for a long time because there isn't a firm foundation.

and you don't want to try because you're too tired of the problems.

but it's so scary.

:: 2004 16 March :: 4.59pm
:: Mood: lazy
:: Music: ben folds

It's not that I'm unhappy. I would say this is my favorite year of high school. I just hate winter. And school.

School+winter+me=mrs. grump

And I hate all these conflicting feelings. Sometimes I think I shouldn't make decisions anymore because I change my mind so much. You can make most things sound like great ideas if you think about it hard and long enough.

:: 2004 15 March :: 12.59am

He came over for dinner tonight. It was the first time he met my parents. On the way over here I assured him we wouldn't hafta sit at the table with my parents, 'cause my parents always always sit in the living room to eat. And then I walk in the door and of course the table is set for us to all eat at... I felt so bad. But we ate fast and left the table quickly. I'm not sure what my parents thought of him, but they didn't really see him as he usually is. He had a hat on so they didn't see his hair, and he didn't wear any of his spikes. I think he got on my mom's good side though 'cause he said she seems too young and pretty to be a mom. I hope they like him, 'cause I do... a lot

:: 2004 14 March :: 5.09pm

Rainy Sundays are the worst kind of days.

1 sheila rides | daphne descends

:: 2004 13 March :: 3.54am

My sister actually came home today... she packed up her stuff and left. I don't really care that she's leaving, I just hate what she's doing to my mom. I haven't seen my mom cry that much since her grandma died. She's pretty much been moved out for a while, but now it's all "official" 'cause she took her stuff. All it means to me is not sharing the bathroom anymore.

It ended today =] It was the longest it had been in a long time, but I found somebody worth ending it for. And I had a wonderful afternoon/night.

As for you... I'm done living a fake life to try to protect you. I dunno what your deal is, but it's not fair to me. I didn't ask to have you feel this way about me. I'm sorry I can't return those feelings, but I can't tell my heart how to feel. I'm sick of not being able to talk openly 'cause what I say might hurt you. I'm sick of being afraid to tell you my plans for the day. I'm sick of not being able to share why I'm happy. And when I do tell you, I'm sick of you getting all pouty. And don't say you're not, I can tell. When you immediately hafta leave and tell me you won't talk to me till the weekend is over, that's being pouty. You go ahead and be mad at me. What should I do, fake feelings for you to make you happy? Sometimes I think it would be best if we had never met, then there wouldn't have been a chance for all of this to happen, you wouldn't hafta go through this. And as for me "only thinking of myself," next time I'm driving in the dark, on wet slippery roads, in the thick fog, while trying to keep you on the phone the whole way to your house, I'll remember that that's how you think of me and I'll turn around and go home...

I'm sorry but I can't do it anymore. I found something that makes me happy and I can't keep worrying about that breaking you...

:: 2004 12 March :: 11.32pm

I am way lost.

but I do know that you really have to sit back and figure out the real reason why you're upset.

:: 2004 10 March :: 11.55pm

It's kind of funny how I manage to break my own heart.

I'm freaking Arthur Stupidsdale.