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This is my live now

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poisonedheart

:: 2007 6 February :: 7.38pm

Oh how I wish I could disappear

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poisonedheart

:: 2007 18 January :: 8.05pm

The best laid plans of both mice and men can go terribly wrong.

And they probably will.

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poisonedheart

:: 2007 6 January :: 11.22pm

I love this site.

It's hardly used by my fellow spokanites anymore, so I don't have to worry about posting how I'm feeling and shit.

That's what I hate about myspace blogs, too many people are on my friend list and some of the things I want to say I just don't want them reading.

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poisonedheart

:: 2007 6 January :: 3.06pm

I got rid of all my old entries.

I looked back at them, thought about them, and the end result was a personal catharsis.

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allyson

:: 2006 21 November :: 2.15pm

Well, I got my paper today and they scheduled my surgery for december freaking 18th. The day before my 20th Birthday. Hell no. ANNNDDD it's at carson city and they want to do it COLD KNIFE. HELL NO. Okay that is the oldest way of doing it and has the worst percentages of infertility and incompetent cervix. No Thank you. I am totally crying on the inside right now. Well.. almost on the outside. I'm holding it in. So... I think I'm getting a second opinion and with a doctor that is affiliated with spectrum health. Where they have actual freaking technology. Oh and you know who keeps fricking talking to jared. When.. they reason why we decided thursday to sunday pick her up at five.. is so we didn't have to talk to her. But yet she still texts and asks "can you do this, can we do this" blah blah. No.. it's 5 for a reason. It's always going to be 5, so we don't have to talk. WTF... could my life suck anymore?

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allyson

:: 2006 18 November :: 2.14pm

First of all this is not a pitty entry. I just like to let people know what's going on in my life so here goes..

Well, I have to have surgery. I'm not sure when. Aparently I'm at a high risk for cervical cancer. From what was said by my ob-gyn I have pre-cancerous cells (severe dysplasyia). They called yesturday to schedule the conization (they remove a triangular portion of my lower cervix) and I was too chicken to answer the phone. I really don't want to do this, but I have to. Both of my doctors sugessted it because of the severe dysplaysia. I'll let you know more later. Like when I will have the surgery and all that information. It's also going to mak it difficult to have children. Which is my dream and everytime I think about it I want to cry. I mean I wish I was just stupid and didn't care and just got pregnant anyways. But.. I can't do that. There's too much at risk I guess.. I don't know. I just want to have a family of my own. Not jareds...

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allyson

:: 2006 13 November :: 2.14pm

Ha.. sorry. It just makes me happy after what I heard from jared. ;) If you know me... you'll find out what I'm talking about. I can't say it on here because it's about you know who. Heh.. anyways. Morgan went potty like a lot this weekend. It was great and she finally got excited and realized what she was doing. That was really good. A breakthrough finally!

Jared has an interview on thursday for dispatch and we are excited about that one. HOpefully he gets it because he hates what he's doing right now. We really could use the money with our house payments being over 1300 dollars and him only bringin home a little over 1600.. we're screwedskis. I need a job.

Anyways, I find out by this wednesday if Jared and I can start a family. If they say no.. too bad it's the only thing that will make our life complete. It's what I've always wanted and Jared wants it to.

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allyson

:: 2006 29 October :: 2.13pm

Morgan
Well.. this weekend was interesting. I really just wish she'd swallow her pride and admit that she babies her. I mean.. come on. Every single person I talk to agrees. It's making it very hard to advance her. She's smart. Very smart. She can figure things out if you let her. It's just taking the time to do it that we believe is the problem. Either way. After about 4 months of trying she went potty in the toilet twice this weekend. We started using money. She likes to put it in her bank so yeah we "reward" her for using the potty. She ate everything that we gave her. Which we were just as suprised as last week when that happened. She ate lasagna hot dogs in buns chicken and dumplings, regular chicken breast... there's more. But man.. usually it's hard to get her to eat anything that isn't noodles, hot dog or breaded chicken. Anyways... things are getting a little bit better each weekend we have her. Maybe things will get better with the rest of my life huh?

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allyson

:: 2006 18 October :: 2.12pm

Toddlers Mother
Alright, so saturday was like the worst night that I have had in a long time. And it's all because of one particular person... You know who. Yeah.. She ruined our plans and went to leslees wedding even though she wasn't invited and then wouldn't let morgan get over the fact that she was there and we wanted her to sit with us so she ended up sitting by me with morgan on her lap. Yay :| Anyways once we finally got morgan away from her she kept making matters worse by coming up and talking to morgan. She ruined our plans to begin with and then made them worse by making morgan throw the worst temper tantrum I had ever seen her through but... supposidly she was fine. She acted just fine. Yeaah... right. I'm done with it. If she want's to ruin our time with morgan then I guess she can succeed. She did it saturday. So congratualations. Oh yeah.. Her boyfriend also had the nerve to yell at me for what Jared said.That would be the second time. So.. hmm.. grow a pair and tell him yourself.

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allyson

:: 2006 8 October :: 2.11pm

Well, I moved. So.. you probably won't see me online anymore. We can't afford it. The house payment is around 1491 now. WInter taxes are due in two months and we'll have to pay for the propane to be filled (minus 100). Yay. :| maybe we're in too deep.

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allyson

:: 2006 4 October :: 10.32am

I want a family of my own
I don't even know how to start this.

With Jared and Morgan, I always feel left out because well.. I'm not her real mother. So, things will always have to be discussed with another woman. It sucks that something so special that I waited to do. Jared has already done with someone else.

You always hear from people that the happiest day of their life was when they got married and then when they had their children. Jared's already had that and with someone else and I really don't feel like I should be a part of it. Especially not right now at that.

Jared always says you don't think our marriage is special. It's not that.. I'm just ready for the next stage in our marriage that he's already been in for 2 and a half years. I don't think he understands that we can't just pretend Morgan is mine forever. She calls me mom often with the occasionaly ada in there with it that (it's cute). The way I feel when she calls me that... man, I can't even imagin how it's going to feel when she/he is actually mine. I want that. But I can't have it.

For some reason going to get family pictures (I think) is going to make me feel like what we have is a real family for me. But it isn't. It never will be. There will always be someone else in the picture.

Does anyone understand how I feel?

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allyson

:: 2006 26 September :: 6.33pm

Last night I woke up feeling so sick and then I wake up this morning.. fine and dandy. It was really odd. Anyways, we get morgan tomorrow all the way to sunday. How exciting huh? We bought her so much new stuff in the past few weeks. Like a total winter coat and pants, snow boots, and fall jacket. OOH these way cute levi pants that have a button waist so you can make them tighter without using a belt. We already bought her a new pair of shoes. They are all pink and adorable. Also we got her a few new shirts too. We bought her some learning puzzles and a book too. So far she's digging the book more then anything else we bought her. Jared and I plan on getting a family photo done this weekend. We are unsure of what we are going to wear. I already have Morgan's outfit picked out though. Haha.. I'm pathetic. Let's see what else... Jared and I are also getting the house in rockford figured out because.. my dad is getting really annoyed with us. I was annoyed with him as soon as we moved in.. but at least he let us move in right? What else...

I'm still looking for a frick'n job. I need at least a part time job of anything so that we can afford the house in rockford. 1422 a month.. yippy :| That's if Lance is okay with letting us take it over. We asked today...

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allyson

:: 2006 25 September :: 9.46am

This is not a request for compliments so...don't think that
*deep breath* Last night on desperate housewives I was crying inside for lynnette. Then, I did actually end up crying. Not because of that though. Well.. partly, but mainly because of how I feel about myself. I honestly believe that I am absolutly ugly. I told jared last night that, Once we get a house I'm saving all my extra money so that I can get the plastic surgery I've needed since I was thirteen. And, of course he said I didn't need it. But I do. I don't feel pretty at all. I mean I don't even think about it when I'm with just Jared but.. I'm not always with just him. I feel bad for him that he has to be seen with me. I try my best to look as good as I can. Cakein' on the make up and wearing (try to at least) nice clothes. I've felt this way since I could remember considering I got this scar at the age of 4.

Anyways, enough of my sad pathetic..ness. Jessica (morgan's mother) has taken away her friendship and says she will take away the nice things she's done for us ie. lowering the child support 70 dollars. She would prefer it if I delete my entry on myspace about Jared having sex with her and all the things she said. Her friend is sticking up for her and saying it's non of my business. How is it not?

I'm holding my ground for now. Needing a job, applying everywhere. Sending out resumes as well as filling out applications. Still no luck. I applied for a receptionist posistion at a company in cedar. That's the latest. I sent it out saturday so.. maybe I'll actually hear. I doubt it.

Alright, hope whoever reads this has a good/nice day.

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allyson

:: 2006 24 September :: 9.33pm

I feel like lynette on desperate housewives. Her whole situation.

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allyson

:: 2006 24 September :: 9.28pm

alright, just letting everyone know that I am posting under friends only from now on.

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allyson

:: 2006 20 September :: 2.05pm

Well, a lot more has happened since I last wrote. I havn't been keeping up on this obviously but I'm going to try to more.

The cells have upgraded again and we will decide on November 8th if we will go ahead with the surgery to remove the lower portion of my uterus.

For those of you who didn't know, Jared and I planned to start a family of our own at the end of october. So, it looks like that probably won't be happening. I cried.. it was pathetic.

Over the course of two months Morgan's mother and I had been talking. Well that ended. Yesturday at that. Supposidly we're too much of a "great family" for her to handle talking to us. It makes her feel like a "bad mother". How pathetic is that. Oh, she says that she can't deal with us anymore and she's going to talk to friend of the court. About what... we already have scheduled times when we see her and who gets her on holidays... she's just jealous is what everyone is saying.

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allyson

:: 2006 12 July :: 12.13pm

Wedding and now..
I can't believe how much has happened since I last wrote. My grandpa L died on the 21st of February.. It needed to happen. It was a relief that he finally made it. He was so sick all the time. Then.. my other grandpa died one week before my wedding. One week before. Totally unexpected. They found out he had pancreaitis and I guess it burst causing all the stuff inside to spill out. It effected all of his organs and they basically had him knocked out and on life support for three days when finally he gave up.

On to good news, Jared and I got married on the 27th of May. I couldn't have asked for a more perfect day. Jared could have. It was about 85 degrees and sunny as hell. He was in two maybe even three layers of a tux. THrere was some drama with christy finding out that she wasn't the maid of honor and my best friend who flew up from arizona was. But she ended up showing up. Anyways, we picked morgan up friday and went to help set up for our reception and then was the rehersal which.. everyone was late for pretty much. Then dinner after that. what fun.. haha. I was upset at how dumb jared's mom can be when it comes to morgan. It's like she could not allow her to be with my parents or something. There was an open seat next to them but she had to squeeze in a chair next to her which happened to be at the corner edge of the table where I was sitting. HOw ridiculous. Anyways, we left that and I got my nails done and we went to lansing to pick kaleea up at the airport. we got back home at like 11 and guess what.?!?! Our cat was in labor. She was bleeding all over our room all day. It really wasn't that bad though. there was just a cuople spots that were relatively easy to clean. She finally had them by 8 in the morning the next day. We got woke up at six that morning though because jared's mom was going tot he hospital and for some reason they couldn't drop morgan off at my parents house they had to have jared drive all the way to belding to drop her off five miles away from their house and him drive all the way back. I was pissed. It's not like we can relive that day over again... It sucked. Just like our reception. No one even paid attentiont o us or even my brother when he gave his awesome toast. They all just kept right on talking. Anyways...

Sunday we were late dropping Kaleea off at the airport she had about 15 minutes to make it through everything but she made it so that was good. then... when jessica came to pick up morgan she had to bitch at us for like ten minutes about no seeing her all weekend and blah blah blah her crying and being dramatic of course. So that was my crazy weekend.

We left monday for our honeymoon. It took us two days to get there and we staying in Manhatten haha.. kansas. We thought that was funny. we video taped pretty much the whole way down and while we were there. It was fun and beautiful. I miss it. THe animals the sunrises and sunsets. Amazing. I wish I was there right now. While we were there it was really hot like.. over 100 degrees hot. we went up to the mountains on those days. We went all the way to cottonwood pass. There was still snow up there. The air was so thin that I was dizzy and had a headache the whole time we climbed around. We also went up to the castle again and had a picnic on Lake San Isabel. We also went to the pueblo zoo! It was so much fun. We went to the colorado city pool although we didn't go swimming because it was so confusing on where to go. Let's see we ate out at fazolis and a really good place called black eyed pea and also maxes. We left on a sunday because we planned on moving out of the house in rockford as soon as we got back. We started packing the following day. We got most of our stuff out with out idiot lance suspecting a thing. Then he realized what was going on and there were some arguments and basically he kciked us out and I told him we'd see him in court then. So that was that and now I'm babysitting for my brother and living with my parents.. .with jared of course.

Bad news. I have high grade cells in my cervix.. and they are progressing. I have to get a colposcopy or whatever and decide what to do with those cells and how to remove them.

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allyson

:: 2006 21 March :: 6.15pm

I'm getting married. It's May 27th 2006... it was december 9th but I decided I didn't want it in the winter anymore

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allyson

:: 2006 21 February :: 12.45pm

My grandpa died this morning...

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allyson

:: 2006 9 January :: 4.17pm

So, I go to the highschool today and walk into the band room because I really missed the bari. As soon as I walk in Bryan freaks out and hugs me and stuff and says I look great and I'm all a rich bitch and stuff cuz I'm wearing american eagle shoes, express jeans aeropostale shirt and an abercrombie sweatshirt and then goes are you pregnant? and I go wht the hell why would you think that am I getting fat? he's like no I heard from derek and then miranda, nika, tara and the whole clarinet section feel it's in their need to yell out are you pregnant and people look and uh it was a bit embarassing...

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