perhaps, perhaps....perhaps..

perhaps, perhaps....perhaps..

:: 2003 4 October :: 11.48 pm
:: Mood: its all good

ok last journal entry was a tad on the depressing side, but i feel ok now, i just had an amazingly fun night

last night the football team lost, no surprise there (no offense guys) the band ended up leaving during 4th quarter, dont really know why, i didnt want to go but meh, and woodwinds never played the entire night, we kept our instruments in the cases because of the rain, so we danced the entire night, then off to megans, nothing spectacular there, ian stayed until 12:50 and that made the mershmans mad because people are supposed to be out of there by 12:15, ian didnt know that and now he feels bad even when i tell him not to, megan might get her keys taken away because of it, but i have a feeling that she wont

tonight, i wasnt planning on going out and i didnt, a few people came out here, i really need to read my tome but for soem reason im not worried about it...i really should be though, but ian had hockey until 8 and called me and wanted to do something so he sara and jacoby came over and he just hung out, it was mucho divertido, we ate cookies and played truoble...and yes i do admit it, ian is the ruler of trouble, he won tonight, sara got 2nd i got third and jacoby got 4th, it was soo fun though, i had such a good time, and i told ian about how i was feeling last night and he made me feel better so yay, i feel a lot better about the situation now :)

thats it!

4 heartless bastards | crush me

:: 2003 4 October :: 12.21 am
:: Mood: ugh

ugh, i can't be doing this again, i dont want to be doing this again, but it seems so right, i can't keep going back to this, i dont think im strong enough to go through it again...why must this torture me so..

1 heartless bastard | crush me

:: 2003 1 October :: 9.20 pm
:: Mood: bored

ok i really havent had a real update in forever....not really a lot has happened....the only thing people are ever talking about these days is homecoming, i must admit, i am one of these people, im sorry! but being on sab and actually having a date - thats like a deadly mix for talking about it all the time! hess and i talked the other day, he asked me what color shirt he should wear, so he actually cares that we match which is always nice, megan and ian are going together...idk if i've said how he asked her, but he gave her bread that he had made in advanced foods and in the bread was a note asking her...too cute, nick and jack are obviously going together and baldwin asked sara which i think is awesome, so the whole group has a date, except stevie, but we're still working on that, she hasnt even decided if she wants to go yet. But my mom is making my dress this year and its awesome! its nowhere near being done, but its together enough that i could try it one, and i got so excited, the color looks good (thanks nick) the cut looks good, i actually have a figure in this dress, so im very excited, moms letting me go tanning so i dont look likea ghost, yay...

schools been going fine, im understanding it all, and my classes are cool, the one i have problems with is math, not that its hard, i can just never tell if dill likes us or not, with all my other math teachers ive been able to be loud and dorky and whatnot and this year i just dont know, sometimes i think hes cool and others im waiting for him to lash out and eat our eyes...idk

megs and i have been busy with all the homecoming crap...no one seems to be working the sales and election so she and i are always roped into doing it, it really doesnt bother us, because we make it fun, but its keeping us from socializing at lunch, so i feel like i havent seen my lunch table in forever, oh well, in two weeks this will all be over

football hasnt been going so great, i dont think we'll win any games this year, the guys are bummed and its really hard to want to hang out and be happy after the games when they just lost and feel like shit, but its just a game, and they always have next year, so we'll see, the games are still fun, and the guys play a lot...plus a few of them look damn good in uniforms! haha jk..

abby and i are making cookies tomorrow for the thrower/football boys..they better appreciate it!

i guess thats it....

1 heartless bastard | crush me

:: 2003 29 September :: 7.52 pm

Aoccdrnig to a rscheearch at Cmabrigde Uinervtisy, it deosn't mttaer in waht oredr the ltteers in a wrod are, the olny iprmoetnt tihng is taht the frist and lsat ltteer be at the rghit pclae. The rset can be a total mses and you can sitll raed it wouthit a porbelm. Tihs is bcuseae the huamn mnid deos not raed ervey lteter by istlef, but the wrod as a wlohe.

how cool is that?? i stole it from corey baum's info..that kid's my hero

crush me

:: 2003 22 September :: 6.26 pm
:: Mood: yay

everything has been going very well lately, some things have been odd but for the most part its all good. The other day ian asked megan to homecoming, and he asked her in the cutest way ever!! he gave her bread that he had made in advanced foods and underneath the bread was a note asking her, she cried lol, she didnt see the note, i saw it and i had to point it out to her, but its ok, so they're going to homecoming. Nick and jackie are going together obviously as are tara and winston. Hess and i decided to go together as friends, and im happy, this is the first dance that ive had a date to and i think it'll be really really fun, and i have a dress in mind - i know a dress! can you believe it, i must be going all out or something, but yea, if everything works out right we'll all have dates which will be really cool right now we're working on jess and tara and stevie, and we've got 2 out of the 3 worked out, but yay!
Had a long chat with baldwin, he now knows about my chronic anxiety, he seemed interested in it, asked a lot of questions, it doesnt bother me that he knows or anything because hes a nice guy, but im always apprehensive before telling anyone about that, because they probably will think about me differently thinking that the slightest thing they do could trigger an attack when that is basically the farthest thing from the truth, oh well.
funny story, when erin bechstein found out i was going to hc with hess she told jess "I can't believe my guy is going to homecoming with Brittany!" good Lord lady, he's never been your guy, and even so, who cares if he's going with me, its not like i like hess like that or anything, we're just going as friends, and we're gonna have a good time, all while i look hot in my dress...haha jk, i'll just look cute, jackie will look hot as will megs because megs went for the sexy dress instead of trendy, so yay, idk what sara's wearing, jess will look hot though, tara...ive only heard little things about her dress, its black and one shoulder - thats all i know, and stevie doesnt know what shes wearing...well i think ive talked about hc too much already, i cant wait to start decorating though....yay

1 heartless bastard | crush me

:: 2003 17 September :: 8.52 pm
:: Mood: yay!, im tired though

everythings been going really well lately, i just wanna say thank you to everyone for not screwing that up so far, schools been going good, sab is doing great, the dance should be really cool this year, megs and i came up with a brilliant plan, we have yet to decide if we're gonna put it into action though, i think ive decided to go to homecoming this year, i wont get asked, so i'll so alone, symph band list is up for clarinets, me sara and katie made it so that'll be super cool, james has his auditions tomorrow, he really wants symph so if he makes it itll also be super cool

DOUG NEEDS TO UPDATE HIS JOURNAL!

football game friday against anthony wayne, i get to see phil, i havent seen him since before school, so thatll be fun, then saturday i'll go to the jv game with jack and sara and we + megs will go homecoming dress shopping, i wont buy a dress because if i do go im wearing pants and a fun top like last years coming home, but yea, then the rest of my weekend is going to be tributed to my tome, because i need to start reading it...

i guess thats it, hess comes home friday, should be fun!

...i wonder if i should ask to wear a jersey on friday...

1 heartless bastard | crush me

:: 2003 15 September :: 7.48 pm
:: Mood: better

ive been feeling a lot better today than what i have been the past few days, i dont really know what my problem was, i was just in a downward spiral, but its ok im better

jackie told me that the band is planning another concentration camp weekend again, idk i think it'll be fun, looking back i really enjoyed last years, it was hard during it, but it was fun so im ready for another one, i just wish i knew where i sat, like orderwise...oh well, i just have to wait a little longer, probably the end of the month

i got my school pictures today, and oddly enough i actually like them, my hair is an odd color red, but i think its from being out in the sun for 2 weeks of bandcamp so idk, its cool though, everyone says they look good, so i guess so

douggie takes his drivers test tomorrow...hes all nervous, but its good to be nervous, going in cocky is not smart, so i hope he does ok, i'll keep my fingers crossed for him

im so excited abby and i are gonna make cookies for bob...bob gets a whole batch of cookies, metcalf gets one cookie, ian gets one cookie, and barger gets one cookie, bob gets more because bob is amazing and he got hurt at last weeks football game, so yea, it'll be fun

hmm...i wonder if i should ask to wear a jersey again this week...

crush me

:: 2003 14 September :: 12.26 pm
:: Mood: horrible

ugh, im such a horrible person! i feel so bad! i blew up at ian last night for no reason, i was in a shitty mood and i took it out on him, and i feel horrible about it, i shouldnt have gone off on him, and i hope he realizes i wasnt trying to be mean i was just letting out some crap ive been bottling up since track season, and it really does feel better now that ive vented but i shouldnt have been mean about it...im sorry...:'(

on a better note, we got our rankings for clarinets thursday after school...i know its werid, one day after we auditioned, last year we waited like a week, but im ranked 4th clarinet which i a relief, im hoping for a second clarinet position but we'll just have to wait and see...

nothing else really big has happened...we lost to northview friday night and saturday morning, and no to avail did i find andy nicholas...but theres always track season right? hopefully he didnt graduate last year...

baldwin thinks im mean and i hate people. i dont hate people, and the fact that people think i hate people bothers me, i dont hate people, i dont try to be mean, if i am im sorry but its just me, i dont mean any harm, idk, i just wish life was simple again...i liked it when boys still had cooties

crush me

:: 2003 11 September :: 8.00 am
:: Mood: yay

yet another 2 hour delay, i could really get used to this.

yesterday was my audition for symph, i did really well on the scales, the chromatic and the required pieces, but man sight reading was sooo horrible!! i did so badly, normally im ok with sight reading, but once you give me a piece with 4 sharps and a tempo only God can create im screwed, but i still think i did ok, im think symph, i just dont know where i'll be seated, im nervous, and now all i can do is wait and its a pain in the neck. it'll probably be a week or so before they post anything and i want to know now! lol

today after school a few of us are staying after to go through all the homecoming decorations, that'll be fun, it'll be like christmas so im excited, even though im not going (unless someone asks me, which that wont happen) but decorating will be fun.

i guess thats all, i should probably start getting ready for school!

crush me

:: 2003 10 September :: 8.38 am
:: Mood: ugh

why do i always feel like such a burden, i hate spilling my problems to other people, but i know if i dont im going to implode and go crazy. i always feel like a burden though, because my problems are always about the same thing, maybe not exactly the same thing, but pretty close, and i cant vent to who i used to because for some reason lately i just cant, i feel stupid, and i feel like he wouldnt understand and i also feel that he doesnt care, i think thats where i get the burden thing from, idk, so right now im just going to apologize to veryone ive ever vented to because i can only imagine how annoying it can me, so im sorry

crush me

:: 2003 9 September :: 9.42 pm

It's like the worst break up ever and we never really had a commitment, and it hurts, and i miss him

crush me

:: 2003 8 September :: 5.06 pm
:: Mood: im ok

im in a pretty good mood actually, today wasnt horrible, we got a yearbooks, the best picture ever in there is one of mandy and shes walking holding her trumpet while we were at the concentration camp and ian is behind her and the caption says...."Amanda Clink triumphantly carries her trumpet as Ian Dunn walks in confusion" or something like that, idk it was great, i laughed so hard, and i was by myself, so had someone seen me they would have thought i was crazy. oh well
so does anyone else feel completely lost in American Studies? just wondering because i do. anyway im out

1 heartless bastard | crush me

:: 2003 6 September :: 5.42 pm
:: Mood: pissed off
:: Music: AAR

ugh, ever been in one of those moods where you are just pissed off at the world? yea im there. i think i need an ian hug. little things today have just been pissing me off and they really shouldnt be, people are being stupid, everyone knows they're being stupid and nothing is being done about it, its like ugh!! i hate you and your stupidness....grrr

The guys lost last night to napoleon, they started playing well, then it all went down hill, but its ok, there's always next time, i have seen the football guys today, i kinda miss 'em, actually i know what i really miss, but id rather not discuss it, its better that i leave this one bottled up, nothing can help this situation.
went to black swamp today, i was supposed to be a bouncer and they said they didnt need me so josh sara and i went to the library to see doug work and stuff, it was interesting, then we just walked around, it was me megs sara stevie tool jackie nick and goph, this is where all the stupidness happened and ugh its stupid, tonight it a movie night at tool's i think im going, havent fully convinced myself, i think ive had enough stupidness for the day, but really, whats a little more? i guess thats it

1 heartless bastard | crush me

:: 2003 2 September :: 4.40 pm
:: Mood: wow

wow...times change so much

im starting to think my uncle was my rock, ever since he died my life has just been odd, its been such a rollercoaster, so many feelings just coming at me, i cant even understand me half the time.

i mean think about it, my uncle died at the end of july, since then, ive lost what i thought was a really good friend of mine - i mean we never see each other anymore, we never talk, word has it he hates me, but i dont know why and that hurts, but its ok, ive been hanging out with different people lately, i spent a whole day with jackie and i've never done that before, so she and i are closer now, i've played some pretty weird truth or dare games so ive learned more than ive ever wanted to and given out far more then i ever wanted to, im becoming friends with this new guy, hes pretty cool, always fun to be around someone new, ive cared about people more so than i ever have, i mean i was genuinely worried about ian when he was so exhausted after the game, i was scared to let him go off my himself, i ask people more often how they feel, who cares about me i want to know about them, and i never really used to be like that, idk, the last few months have been odd, the one guy i thought i would never get over, im over, i just wish we could be friends because hes a cool guy and i would like to just talk to him again, we used to have the best conversations, and before my uncle died guys consumed my thoughts, i used to always think whats wrong with me, am i so ugly that guys cant like me, is it physically impossible, am i that horrible, now ive come tothe realization, i dont need a boyfriend, i have friends, i have guy friends, im happy and nothing can change that, and right now life is good, so no one go around messing with that ok?

3 heartless bastards | crush me

:: 2003 27 August :: 3.34 pm
:: Mood: happy
:: Music: everything

weee
school has started, and so far, its not so bad, my classes are great, teachers dont seem to be too terrible and im with friends most of the day. i start out with band, which is great because my squad is amazing, plus we actually do stuff and it wakes me up so once band is over im actually energized to continue on with the rest of the day which is cool, plus rumor has it sit down is gonna begin really early this year, and sit down is what i really enjoy about band so im excited, even though im gonna have to start preparing a lot earlier, like now, im not too worried about it. then i go to honors pre calculus, its not so bad, i hear dill is a really cool teacher but he seems pretty dull, and idk, im sure things will change, but so far its not so bad, i sit by megs and stevie, and not by guys this year, i always do the stupid thing and sit by guys, this year i was finally smart and i sit by girls, after that i go to spanish, its easy, i can never her craig because this woman has 5 fans going, but she seems nice, she has a southern accent, its funny...then this is my pride and joy STUDY HALL, a whole 50 minutes where i can sit with jess sara nick and coomes and just chill, and sometimes do some work, but its really cool, then off to chemistry, this class is amazing, anthony is my sab advisor she i already knew her and shes cool, she acts like a kid plus everyone is in this class, ian megan jackie megs james jew, its great, i love it, plus jack sits in front of me ians to my left, james diagonal back, jess behind me and megs to my right, its amazing...then lunch! woo...then two periods of american studies, dunn and dever and everyone else, its too too cool, i enjoy it, today we got to go outside and interview people and we have to do a presentation on them and the presentation cant exceed 90 seconds so its not exactly brain surgery, im excited, i actually like school this year, its gonna be good

nothing else is really going on, since school's started i havent exactly been able to think about guys, which has been great, im almost completely over one, i thought i started liking another but idk, i think its best if we just stay friends, plus the fact he likes my best friend, so basically i am totally content wth life right now and i couldnt be happier :)

2 heartless bastards | crush me

:: 2003 25 August :: 8.15 pm

I've got it all, but I feel so deprived
I go up, I come down and I'm emptier inside
Tell me what is this thing that I feel like I'm missing
And why can't I let go

[Chorus]
There's gotta be more to life...
Than chasing down every temporary high to satisfy me
Cause the more that I'm...
Tripping out thinking there must be more to life
Well it's life, but I'm sure... there's gotta be more
Than wanting more

I've got the time and I'm wasting it slowly
Here in this moment I'm half way out the door
Onto the next thing, I'm searching for something that's missing

[repeat chorus]

Than waiting on something other than this
Why am I feelin' like there's something I missed.....

[repeat chorus x2]

1 heartless bastard | crush me

:: 2003 25 August :: 10.19 am
:: Mood: drained

hmm its been awhile...

thursday night was preview night, all the band parents come and watch us perform preview and then halftime, then the parents come out at march pregame with us so they can get an understanding for what we do. my mom and heather marched with me and nick was looking for jackie but couldnt find her, i told him she was in the north chevron (sp) and he didnt understand, so he just marched with me, and at the end he was like 'omg, that is such a workout'...this coming from a football player, kinda scary, but it was fun

after that we all went out to baldwins, ive never been to his house before but it was a lot of fun, we watched bowling for columbine, well we started to then we kinda quit, but the little bit that i watched has made me want to go out at rent it and really watch it sometime, but yea his house is a lot of fun so we will definitely be hanging out there more often

friday night
BG vs. Otsego: 21-14
we lost, but it was still a good game, i had a lot of fun though, i knew the Otsego QB from when i was like 4, we grew up together and we wen fishing all the time, hes a cool kid, and i know how much he likes football, so for him to throw all of otsegos 3 touchdowns that night must have been very cool for him, so im happy, our team played well though, they just need some more confidence, and they wont get it these next two games because we play fostoria (amazing) and napoleon (more amazing) but its cool. im still proud of the guys, watching them makes me nervous though, i dont want to see them get hurt, maybe its the maternal instincts in me, idk, they're just my friends and for them to get hurt just wouldnt be cool, so even though i love watching football and love watching all the violent tackling and whatnot, i still want them to be ok

after the game we all went to megans to celebrate stevie and nicks birthdays, lucky bastards are 17 already, just kidding, i only have a little but longer to wait...i came to a realization though, my 18th bday will be on the last football game next season, how cool will that be? idk i think its cool, no one else probably does though, oh well

saturday night
hess's going away party at nelsons, it was really really buggy, but it was fun, there was fire, whats not fun about that...plus, the guys wanna do powderpuff again this year, and guess who they asked to be their coach again...fun times

yesterday we had turtle mania 2003, i spent like 8 hours at jacobys house yesterday, it was fun though, we did a whole lot of nothing, and it was great

today, i plan on doing nothing, i have to mow the lawn that'll take about 2 hours, i dont really care, other than that i plan on spending the day getting everything prganized for tomorrow, school starts tomorrow and frankly i dont care, everyones whining about it starting and really im ready for it, im read for having something to so, im ready to wake up in the morning and having a purpose, no more of this waking up and taking hours to finally get ready for the day..we have a two hour delay tomorrow which will help ease us into waking up earlier, but other than that we have nothing. and im ready for it

i came to the conclusion that this spring, im going to do it all...school, college, track, and a social life, it cant be that hard, go to school, go to track, get a 90 minute break between track and college where i can do my homework, get out of class by 830 (if its a 630-830 class) get home by 9, probably 1-3 hours woth of homework, get to bed by mindnight and wake up the next morning at 545, no problem, who needs to eat anyway? it'll be fun and challenging, im up for it

i guess thats it, im going to go enjoy my last day! wee!!

crush me

:: 2003 19 August :: 5.40 pm
:: Mood: sleepy

allergy medicine makes me sleepy....

im in a good mood though, no depression, no feeling sorry for myself, im just happy, ive come to a conclusion in my head and i think it works

i went to registration today...band, pre cal, spanish, study hall, chemistry, then american studies....preety damn good, megs and i have 4 classes together! woo! as sad as it is im ready for school to start...oh well

i had uniform fitting today, uniform from last year still fits....still wondering if thats a good thing or not..oh well at least i didnt get bigger

band camps been going very well, squad is doing amazingly, and hopefully we start learning halftime tonight, football game is friday i am very excited, i love football games, maybe i'll get to wear a jersey this year, i wore metcalfs once last year, i dont think i'll ask him again, he doesnt seem to like me very much any more..i wonder what i did?

anyway, i guess thats about it, i'll update soon! promise!

4 heartless bastards | crush me

:: 2003 18 August :: 10.23 am
:: Mood: im better

i felt so horrible last night

after the guys stayed until around midnight saturday night, tara winston and jackie showed up around 1230...winston stayed until 245 then left because he had to be at work at 730, how that kid managed that i will never know, but it was a lot of fun, we were all slap happy and giggling at everything...good times

last night we had a movie night at jacobys, we watched the rock, i love that movie, i mean whats not to love? violence, blood, guns, sean connery? i mean come on! then when i got home ian and i had one of our talks, mainly about how he liked megan and how megan really just wants a friend because she doesnt have time for more, and i was trying to tell him that megan's jealous of me for the friendship that we have and how we can talk about pretty much everything and i dont think he understood, so i spent about 20 minutes trying to teach him how to talk to her like he talks to me...oh the agony...but anyway, i felt so horrible last night, i felt so alone and so depressed, idk what my deal was, i felt sick to my stomach, like a could burst into tears any second and that if i was to go to scleep i would just sleep forever and never wake up, then i went to sleep, and i woke up this morning feeling fine...idk what it is, i think i only ever feel horrible at night, in the mornings and during the day im completely fine, idk...im just gonna try and get over it and not care anymore, im 16, life goes on

1 heartless bastard | crush me

:: 2003 16 August :: 11.42 pm
:: Mood: confused/stupid

yea, so last night i was talking to dan and he was like yea ian and i wanna have a party tomorrow night since its their only inght that they dont have football practice the next day, so im like yea thats cool, just call me tomorrow and give me the details...well turns out wanting to have a party turned into a co-ed sleepover at my house...the guys didnt stay though, idk why though, you'd think theyd jump at the chance but anyway, it was me sara metcalf dunn jacoby and herringshaw, herringshaw as always was a big flirt, ian was histarical as usual, dan just kinda sat there and took torment after torment and metcalf put in his two cents every 3 seconds as usual...man for someone who cant stand to be around me he seemed to have a pretty good time tonight, he even talked to me and showed me his finger, but anyway, he also made bacon for everyone at 11 o'clock at night...i guess they all wanted bacon or something, idk i dont like bacon, but its about 1147 now and jackie supposed to come out around 1230 nick i think is coming but idk...if he comes thats fine but hes gonna be the only boy here, oh well, i have a headache, those guys can be loud

crush me