sushininja
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2004 25 April :: 11.09pm
:: Mood: I feel like vomiting out my entrails...
:: Music: Whatever is on right now...
Well, bassoon went well...and that was about the only thing that went well today...oh, and the few call I got from Carmen, updating me on her status...she is currently in Pennsylvania, coming back home from the march in D.C. a march aobut womens' rights, something I support fully...what she is doing is very good...women have the right to choose what goes on in their bodies...
Saturday also sucked a lot for me...let me categorize:
Good Events:
-Going out to lunch with Carmen (and having it cost $7.23 or whatever)
-Paying with a $10 bill and leaving the rest for tip
-Going up to Maumee Gateway to watch our siblings at S&E
-Seeing Kristin up at Maumee (and finding out why I didn't work with her)
-Spending time with Carmen before she left for D.C.
-Playing Vice City at Ian's
Bad Events:
-Working (especially so without Kristin)
-Getting yelled at for not helping prepare my BIRTHDAY DINNER
-Getting yelled at for not setting the table for my BIRTHDAY DINNER
-Having no one come over for my BIRTHDAY DINNER (although both Carmen and my aunt have legitiment reasons for why they didn't make it)
-Being blown off not only once, but twice on the same movie by the same group
Yeup...see, Saturday mainly sucked...
As for now, I'm fretting over my artwor, that I don't think it'll be up to standard and I'll glop out totally on it...I went to the Edinburgh meeting, which was alright, got homework done while I was there...other than that...bleh...
...And plus, I'm getting ill...
Quote of the day:
"There's no time to lose, I heard her say
Catch your dreams before they slip away
Dying all the time
Lose your dreams
And you will lose your mind.
Ain't life unkind? "
2 heartless bastards |
crush me
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emilydawest
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2004 25 April :: 9.31pm
I had a nice weekend with Xach. Too bad it seemed to be over so quickly...
BGHS Prom is this coming weekend and sadly i am not going. I was considering it for awhile, but i am going to prom with Xach on the 8th at his school. I wanted to go to mine, but i don't know, two Proms two weekends in a row seems a bit much, plus i am pretty sure my parents wouldn't let me do that anyways.
But there is always next year, right? And i plan on going to all of the dances next year since i didn't go to any at my school. I feel kind of bad since i didn't go to any, but again, i don't. odd, eh?
I miss you Xach.
crush me
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sushininja
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2004 24 April :: 12.49am
:: Mood: tired...sweaty...
Well, I'm 17, and I don't feel older...I'm just worn out form running home in 30 degree weather...not grounded though, which is a plus...Wednesday was my birthday, spent it at work and at church...I did get 3.5 lbs of gummi worms from my sister and a $15 gift certificate to Finders from Carmen...Umm, Thursday just plain sucked...I had a ton of homework, and I was at the library until 8:30...I was about in tears on the way home, and pretty much for the rest of the night...the stress and fatigue were seriously getting to me...Friday, well it was better, got to spend time with Carmen (watched Excel Saga), got some project work done, and played Kick Ball...woo!
Tomorrow, gonna go see Kill Bill V.2 with Mutt and some fellows...gonna have my family over for a birthday dinner, which is pizza...gonna go out for lunch with Carmen...and then, before it all, I'm going to work...
Quote of the day:
"The cup is raised, the toast is made yet again
One voice is clear above the din
Proud Aryan one word, my will to sustain
For me, the cloth once more to spin
Yours is the cloth, mine is the hand that sews time
his is the force that lies within
Ours is the fire, all the warmth we can find
He is a feather in the wind"
1 heartless bastard |
crush me
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emilydawest
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2004 22 April :: 9.41pm
School has been fun. Not. Well i thought i was caught up with my homework from missing monday and tuesday, but realized that i am not caught up. I am a chapter behind in Gatsby (i read two today) and have to finish my independent book and write two essays on it that will not be fun at all considering that they are due tomorrow and i haven't finished the book...hmm i guess i will just have to bs it or otherwise hope Mrs. Dever will have mercy. Like she did today when i asked her if i could take the Gatsby quiz tomorrow because i hadn't even read chapter one in the book yet...plus my STUPID book on Ben Franklin which i think i will just skim through, because there is no way i am going to be able to make it through a 700 page biography by next thursday. Nope, no way.
I have to take a history test monday that i haven't even looked over yet, i have to read the last three chapters in my history book for that... Also behind on my art project which isn't pleasant. Ugh, luckily i have two studyhalls. yes, luckily.
Friday i am going over to Shar's to sort something out, and possibly work on painting her room. (if she actually has paint rollers...which would be nice) Coming home friday night sometime to sleep in my own bed. Then Saturday afternoon Xach will (possibly, hopefully) be coming over and spending the day and part of Sunday with me and my family.
I really should read, but reading sounds so trite right now. I love to read, but taking notes while reading simply sucks, and it isn't motivating me much. So I will sit and it will suck and I will sleep.
what fun.
crush me
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emilydawest
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2004 21 April :: 6.56pm
I'm back.
blah.
crush me
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sushininja
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2004 19 April :: 10.46pm
:: Mood: tired, very confused, cranky...
:: Music: The Lamb Lies Down on Broadway
Last night, I returned into town around 8:00, after having eaten at Joe's Crabshack...I hooked up with Carmen, and then went rollerblading downtown...after that, with many failed attempts, we made copies in her father's office, copies of the script for her one act play, 4 A.M....I'm looking forward to seeing it put on by her, Doug, Esther, and Jackie (I believe, or Emily)...I set up my speaker system, which sounds amazing, to say the least...
Today was the first day back, and everybody was either cranky or tired, or both...well, not everybody, those who somehow manage to readjust instantly to the school life...*sigh*...started ready The Great Gatsby which isn't seeming to be all that bad...I gave Dana a ride home from school, and we had a nice conversation about sticks...
I had been planning on rollerblading to work today, but the wind was so powerful that I would have died...work sucked, spent all 3 hours in the stacks, had no visitors (due to fatigue), little contact with anybody at all...it is my job though, so I guess I shouldn't complain...and Brenda did shelve a couple picture books today, so I don't have so many waiting for me...
After work, I went home and ate all alone, becuase my family doesn't wait for me...after eating alone, I went with daniel to make some money by moving furniture...after that, we went to Home Depot to get a clasp for his hose in his engine...Carmen and Esther came and picked me up, and then we went to go get Doug...after that, we went to Meijer, to get candy and so Carmen could visit Bob...we went back to her house to watch Anastasia until Doug and my curfews...I came home, played GunBound and listened to the Glorious Burden...
Quote of the day:
"There's something solid forming in the air,
The wall of death is lowered in Times Square.
No-one seems to care,
They carry on as if nothing was there.
The wind is blowing harder now,
Blowing dust into my eyes.
The dust settles on my skin,
Making a crust I cannot move in
And I'm hovering like a fly, waiting for the windshield on the freeway."
crush me
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sushininja
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2004 18 April :: 3.55am
:: Mood: tired...depressed...
:: Music: Yngwie Malmsteen
Look at the time! I can't fucking sleep! Where the FUCK is everybody? I thought it would be bustling at this time...no? Only my rotten self? Heh, figures...can't seem to do well anymore...oh well...everybody else is probably asleep...*sigh*...well, wish me luck...I need sleep...okay? stupid thing...brain likes thinking...imagine that...hmm...trying to figure out how to help myself out...bleah! Good bye...if anyone reads this before 8, gimme a call...fat chance though...blah!
Ramble ramble ramble...
Bleagh!! Food!! I have wrinkly-things under my FUCKING eyes!
BOOBOO!!!
E to the step, just flip it, stick it, and see-ya later, bye!
I don't think you can do that
You better bring it...
*sigh* how I miss you guys...
I'm so lonely...
and I'm very warm right now...
maybe I'll get sick...
That wouldn't be good...
Miss work another day...
Shit, those books...
Are going to...
Be piled up...
To my head...
Maybe I'll drown in the paper...
Or the sea of books...
Quote of the day:
"What is that light
That you have
Shining all around you
Is it chemically derived?"
1 heartless bastard |
crush me
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sushininja
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2004 18 April :: 1.10am
:: Mood: tired, cranky, lonely...
:: Music: Vampire Killer
Today was good...went shopping this morning around 12...I woke up around 11:30, mainly because Carmen and I were on the phone till 5...anyways, my aunt and uncle and I went shopping to get me birthday presents...got me a pair of K2 rollerblades, and then a really nice pair of computer speakers...I also picked up vol. of Excel Saga, so Carmen and I are going to have to watch that sometime soon...we came home, and then hung out for awhile...did some homework until I got ready to leave...we went to a japanese restaurant for dinner, I got some good sushi...after that, I went to symphony, which was excellent...we came home, watched Predator...I called Carmen, but she was at Emily's and I didn't want to intrude on her happy times...she'll call me back, and that is what I'm currently waiting on...
I'm still not feeling any better about myself...if anything, it has gotten worse...I need something to boost my self-esteem or something bad is going to happen...
*Sigh*
Quote of the day:
" Red is my favorite color, red like your mother’s eyes after awhile of crying about how you don’t love her."
crush me
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sushininja
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2004 17 April :: 1.02am
:: Mood: tired...lonely...a bit depressesd...
Well, here I am, early morning, at my aunt's...I've been having a good time already...let us see...I've been here since Thursday, and here is what we've done...
On Thursday, my uncle picked me up to bring me here, and we arrived around 12:30...my aunt grilled some burgers and hot dogs, and that is what we had for lunch...then we went outside to do some yard work...my aunt had a few dead trees that she needed removed, so we knocked them down and cut them up...we proceeded to burn most of the wood (the stuff that was rotted could not be kept as fire wood) along with the brush that had been piled up over the months...while I was loading up the fire, I snagged myself on a thornbush...it cut into me, and left a Y-shaped cut on my hand, and a few scrapes in my arm, along with a few holes in my shirt...after working out in the yard for 5 hours or so, we came in, had beef stroganough for dinner, and watched the wings game...well, I sat in the den on the computer while they watched the Wings game....they won, 4-1, and that puts them up 3-2 in the series...I called Carmen eventually and we talked for awhile...we both fell asleep, and I found my phone off this morning...it had run out of battery power...
I woke up around 10:30 this morning, and went downstairs to have breakfast...I had a grapefruit (which was rather good)...I went up and showered, and then we left to go shopping...we found myself a pair of rollerblades that fit...didn't pick them up today, but we are going to go them tomorrow...and we also found a nice pair of computer speakers for me, as a present from my Aunt Chris, Uncle Steve, and Uncle Matt...that takes care of my birthday...after shopping, we came back to the house and sat around for awhile...around 6, I started getting ready for dinner, called my mother, and called Carmen...we went to the club for dinner, and I had the pasta bar...it was pretty good, I was stuffed by the end of dinner...I also tried something that I never thought I'd try...hehe...after dinner, we went back to the house to change, and then went to see Hellboy...it was pretty good...probably one of the reasons why I liked it so much was that it dealt with the occult and demons and mythological type things...pretty good...we got home, and I called Carmen...she was busy, so I am awaiting her call currently...
As I was changing tonight, I looked at myself and thought "Damn, I'm really ugly"...I've been feeling this way for awhile now...I am really hating myself...
Quote of the day:
"We've only seen the outlines of the beggining
and this core the slowly moving raptor
will make the very notion of Hell
seem celestial in comparison"
2 heartless bastards |
crush me
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emilydawest
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2004 16 April :: 4.56am
I'm here in California. Isn't that weird? To think that I am updating my journal from over 2,000 miles away???
Anyways it has been nice here. It hasn't been as warm as i wished, it has actually been about 6 degrees cooler this week than usual. Oh well, that's the way it is. It hasn't been cold, and it hasn't been hot either, so i guess you could call that a good thing. But i kind of wanted warm weather, at least for when we go to the beach, but that is unlikely since in Santa Cruz it is only going to be aroun 59 degrees (thanks to weather.com) but there is always the option of wearing a wetsuit which i think i will take advantage of. joy.
alright, well it is pretty late, or should i say early? wow very confusing. Back home it is almost going on 5 o'clock, and here, it isn't even 2 yet. well i should go, even tho i haven't been sleeping all that much because of the continual stimulation of new places and new things, i think 6-7 hours is about the max i have been getting, which isn't bad considering the first night we didn't get to this house until three because checked baggage sucks.
but, it's been fun, and i don't want to go home. At least not now. This vacation has gave me a second wind so to speak. A second wind of motivation for life and a reason to spice things up a bit.
crush me
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sushininja
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2004 13 April :: 6.43pm
:: Mood: tired...lonely...
Wasting my spring break! Woo! But Thursday, I will be in Cleveland! Woo!
I really miss Carmen...I didn't talk to her last night nor any of today...she's not that far away, but I can't talk to her...she doesn't get any signal in Hocking Hills...at least she'll be back tomorrow...but the, I'll be gone the rest of the week...hopefully I'll get service in Cleveland...
I'm really tired...I woke up too early this morning to go to work...after work, I got my car fixed...I was unsuccessful in finding rollwerblades, which sucks...had lunch at Jojo's, good pizza...
Amanda and I are going to prom together now, which is cool...gonna be a good time...
2 heartless bastards |
crush me
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sushininja
|
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2004 12 April :: 1.31am
:: Mood: tired...
Well, today was Easter...went to Church, and then eventually to Carabba's for lunch...had a good pasta dish with shrimp, and lots of their good bread...
I'm tired...stopped a sentence or two midway, and had to think about it...hmm...
hung out with Carmen, ran errands, went to bassoon...I helped her out with getting the trip ready...as much as I liked to help out, it kinda depressed me, got me down, because I really want to go, and Carmen wishes I could go also...but I'm not going...*sigh*
Happy Easter...
crush me
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emilydawest
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2004 11 April :: 9.51pm
I leave for California tomorrow at 12:30. The long drive to Columbus, then the 6 hour plane trip. This should be quite interesting. I really hope this trip turns out well.
I'll be back Tuesday sometime, so until then. :)
crush me
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sushininja
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2004 11 April :: 1.09am
:: Mood: tired...anxious...
:: Music: Carmen's voice...on the phone...
So yeah...slept through my alarm today...woke up at about twenty of 10:00...showered and then went to work...work was alright, I took my Nomad in with me, so I could listen to music...I wasn't planning on it, but I heard a Rammstein song on the way to work that made me want to listen to more music...Carmen visited me today at work, which was quite nice...
After work, I went and picked up my stuff from Coomes, and then went to get my sister...after I got home, I pitched to Daniel, and hit some too...it was fun...then, I went to pick up Carmen, and then went to get gas and air...after awhile, we went with Esther to Kroger to shop for their camping trip...saw Sara there, and she looked so enthused to see me...I said hi...at checkout, we got the honor of having both Karly and Tracy both being baggers for us...Carmen and I went to dinner at my house, and then to Joe's after that...Liz(z), Joe, Matt Ducat, Dan, Ryan, and Samir were there...Ryan really wanted to see Fear and Loathing, so we ran around to find a copy...we ended up not watching it, and went to visit Doug at McSuck with Esther...we caused trouble there...then, we went back to Carmen's and watched Cirque du Soleil...fun day...
Prom's coming up...I've been weighing either asking Amanda or Lauren Clark to prom...I'm not too sure what I'm going to do, but it seems that I have a time limit on Amanda...although, I don't really see a problem in being asked to prom by someone who'd really want to go with me...
I have realized that aside from Carmen and Amanda, I've not had a visit from either of the two people who told me they'd visit me this week...
Quote of the day:
"I will not cease from mental fight;
Nor shall my sword sleep in my hand
Til we have built
In England's green and pleasant land."
5 heartless bastards |
crush me
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emilydawest
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2004 10 April :: 12.51pm
Experiencing a glimpse of the past can bring tears, happiness, and regret. All of which i did experience this weekend.
It is hard to tell how i ever let a friendship almost melt away into nothingness. I know that there were complications, but is that really an excuse? I wonder at times if my priorities are a little out of order.
But remember, what is done is done, there is no changing what has already been, the only thing there is to do now is prepare for the future, so the past does not repeat itself.
1 heartless bastard |
crush me
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sushininja
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2004 10 April :: 2.04am
:: Mood: tired...
:: Music: Bestie Boys-Song for the Man
Had a good day today with Carmen...sushi for lunch...got a new nut for my sunglasses...went to Kroger to buy rat and cat food...then went to see Calendar Girls (good movie by the way)...went into Madhatters and bought a Kansas album and an Yngwie Malmstreen album...then into Squeakers to watch Daniel Webber perform...then down to Grounds to grab Doug...sat there with Joe, Kat, Tony, and Heath (Tony's friend)...after Grounds, we went to pick up Esther, which resulted in visiting many food chains...then back to Carmen's to watch some Cirque du Soleil...yeup...
Quote of the day:
"Something on the windowsill
Caught her eye and held her still
The cars pass by outside
Nowhere left to hide
Picture this now crystal clear
Nothing left to hold her here
And creeping up meanwhile
Traces of a smile
Eyes open wide to see if I could fly"
1 heartless bastard |
crush me
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sushininja
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2004 9 April :: 12.39am
:: Mood: kinda depressed...kinda tired...
:: Music: David Lee Roth-Eat 'Em and Smile
I'm hungry currently...that's because I didn't eat dinner...and all I ate for lunch was a can of Pringles, and a can of lemonade...along with a small slush...hmm...need to start eating healthy...so today, I didn't really pay attention in school...after school, I ran into Lauren in the hallway, and I finally got her screen name...saw Carmen after school, and then hung out with her...went to work after hanging out with her...and then, after work, I went to see Eternal Sunshine on the Spotless Mind...good movie...went with Carmen and Emily...had a good time...after the movie, we went to Grounds, where a lot of people were...then, Carmen and I went to Wendy's and got an order of fries...the line was kinda long, so I guess the manager felt bad, so she gave us a Biggie fry...it was nice of her...took Carmen to visit Chris at work and then went and hung out at her place...yeup...
GunBound isn't working right now...
Quote of the day:
"She awakens from a dream to a silent room
where shadows speak of memories
Another sleepless night,
afraid to face the day
It seems so long ago she shared the love
she feels so deep inside
Her love will never die
but still she feels so lonely..."
2 heartless bastards |
crush me
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emilydawest
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2004 8 April :: 5.47pm
Busy busy busy...
crush me
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sushininja
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2004 7 April :: 10.38pm
:: Mood: tired...
:: Music: Genesis-...And then there were three
Tonight is Wednesday...w00t! One day till Spring Break! That's time to relax and...yeah...
Monday...hmm...I'm not remembering what went on that day...I know I watched Identity with Carmen that night...and we went to Panera for dinner...I guess school was alright if I don't have anything bad to remember...heh...nice to think of it that way, eh?
Tuesday, I went to the social issues workshop...that was a good experience...impacted upon me wonderful things...other than that...hmm...
Today, Carmen was ill...so I stopped by her house after school and before work...and then after work (eventually)...Much thanks to Amandalynn for visiting me today at work...it was wanted...and helpful...
I've started listening to my lps again...while I'm on the computer...I figure that I can listen to a bunch because I spend so much time on here...it's working so far...hehe...
Quote of the day:
"Climb a tower of freedom, paint your own deceiving sign.
It's not my power to criticize or to ask you to be blind
To your own pressing problem and the hate you must unwind."
2 heartless bastards |
crush me
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emilydawest
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2004 6 April :: 9.20pm
Sometimes i am not sure what i think, what i believe, or what is the truth. It is such a weird feeling to doubt everything that I have relied on so heavily duirng my life: my faith, my family, my friends, myself.
At times this doubt is a good feeling, i feel free and disconnected from the world. It is as if I could walk out the door with only the clothes on my back and start a new life somewhere, live an adventurous life, and never look back. Maybe travel around the States without anyone to hold me back, live where i want to live, do what i want to do. Be on my own.
But there is the other part of me. The sect of me that reasons with wisdom (or perhaps with ignorance) that can't see past my bedroom door, the mailbox at the end of the driveway, or the stateline. I can see myself going to college in Findlay, spending 2 years at Owens for sure, then maybe two more at BG...and after that finding a job somewhere. I know that if i don't get out of this state before my 2 Owens years are up, i will be sticking around here for the rest of my life. Yes, that is reason speaking.
I am afraid that if i am kept here for too much longer I may one day simply not come home and by the time anyone misses me I will be hundreds of miles down the road, and will not once look back.
The reasoning of adventurous ignorance.
crush me
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