perhaps, perhaps....perhaps..

perhaps, perhaps....perhaps..

:: 2004 25 September :: 1.32pm

School is going very well for once. I think that little confidence that comes along with being a senior has helped alot.

Homecoming is next Friday! Wow, it has crept up quickly hasn't it? I bought my dress and now all i need is shoes.

Tood a loo

crush me

sushininja

:: 2004 25 September :: 6.28am
:: Mood: hrm...

So my mom is worried about me not sleeping much...its a good thing she doesn't know I get 2 hours of sleep a night and cry myself to sleep...then she'd really start to worry...

On a lighter note, we've decided that Logan no longer is just a mix of Doug and Fintel, but there is some Jason in there too, unfotunately...

3 heartless bastards | crush me

sushininja

:: 2004 24 September :: 3.47pm
:: Mood: tired, cranky, depressed...

This past week has gone alright...just alright...Sunday and Monday were the high points in my week...the rest of the week went downhilll, reaching Abbadon's Pit Thursday morning, where I totally flipped out for no reason...it was pretty harsh on Carmen, and I feel really bad...everything negative that had gone on in my life seemed to channel into that episode, it was really horrible...and Carmen took the blunt of it...I really need to find out a way to make up for all of this shit I've been giving her, but it is kind of hard to do so with a person who lives 120 miles away, of whom I talk to seldomly and see even less than that...maybe the way to make up is the most painful of them all...

One thing that has really been bugging me though, has been Carmen's attitude towards me...I really can't figure it out...soon after she got to college, the Carmen who was present in my life the few weeks befroe she left vaporized, and the Carmen that was around during the summer (and that brief period before school let out) took her place...the only time I actually saw the true Carmen was after she had a few drinks...I really don't know what to make of all of this...is it all my fault, being persistent in persuing our friendship, keeping it how it was for so long...maybe I just need to stop calling her, and just move on, find someone else to talk to all the time, like she has suggested...it'd work for her, but I'm not sure how well I'd deal with it...

But things will get better...where there's a will, there's a way, correct?

Carmen was homesick the first night...I've been Carmen-sick since the first minute...

crush me

sushininja

:: 2004 22 September :: 11.06pm

What I wouldn't do to hear you call me "cutie" or "goof" again...

crush me

sushininja

:: 2004 21 September :: 12.31pm

Yesterday was kinda bad...work made me cranky, which is never good...however, Carmen called me while I was at work (just out of the blue) and we chatted for awhile...I hope that happens more often, where she calls unprompted by me...I played some gunbound and read my book...I really should have worked on my ABC paper, but I shall be doing that tonight, maybe...I get my psych exam back today :/...I'm not too sure how well I' did, so it'll be a surprise either way...

Greenish-grey female sheep...looking forward to December..got a whole list of things for us to do...*big hearty grin*

crush me

sushininja

:: 2004 20 September :: 1.59pm

Well, this weekend was alright...the Defiance Band Spectactular went well, we got a standing ovation from Purdue...on Sunday, I went down to Westerville to visit with Carmen...we talked and took a walk...the visit made me happy yet sad at the same time...although, I do feel better about our friendship now...

1 heartless bastard | crush me

sushininja

:: 2004 17 September :: 12.30pm
:: Mood: despondant, depressed, without hope...

I want you to hold me while I cry...

crush me

sushininja

:: 2004 16 September :: 9.37pm
:: Mood: tired...

Haven't smelled that in a long while...
Well, today was alright...part of it, at least...

School today was alright...it was humid, but tolerable...didn't have Psych today, so it was a little bit of a relief...I went to work, which sucked a lot...but Jackie stopped by a little bit before 6:50, so that was alright...we then headed up to Perrysburg to watch the girls play volleyball...they won, it was a good game...I was given Amanda's shirt on the condition that I would give it up when Mutt got there...I worked on my ABC paper while talking with Jax, Katie, and Mrs. Dever (at different times, though)...after the game, Jax and I went to see if Mr. Freeze was open, but it wasn't, so we came home...

Before work, Carmen called me, which was wonderful...and me, being the dope that I am. receive it with flying colors...why do I always do this? I am an idiot...I'm so glad you called Carmen, I really am...please don't hold it against me, how I act...I really want to do better...I swear...I can't believe this is how I truly am, quarrelling with you over the smallest things...I trust you and I love you so much...I just need to get myself in line...it's all my fault...please forgive me...I'm trying hard to knock it off, trying hard to make up for this summer...I love you, and don't want to push you away...I don't want to lose things how they are...it's only been 2 weeks since you've been gone, but it'll get better, I promise...I love you, so it will work...

Quote of the day:
"Girl, you really got me now
You got me so I don't know what I'm doin'
Girl, you really got me now
You got me so I can't sleep at night
Girl, you really got me now
You got me so I don't know where I'm goin', yeah
Oh Girl, you really got me now
You got me so I can't sleep at night
You really got me
You really got me
You really got me
Please, don't ever let me be
I only wanna be by your side
Please, don't ever let me be
I only wanna be by your side"

1 heartless bastard | crush me

emilydawest

:: 2004 16 September :: 9.11pm

Well this will be my first whole enitre complete week of school. Can I say KUMBAYA.

crush me

sushininja

:: 2004 15 September :: 11.02pm
:: Mood: happy, but sad...

Hey hun, I'm smiling...
Well, saw Carmen tonight, after work...she was in town briefly, but I'm glad I gout to see her...I also met a friend of hers...seemed pretty nice...I often wonder what her schoolmates think of me, the way I call her and carry on...but now, I'm ina much better mood, and I ate dinner! 48 hours of not eating ended tonight...

I love you...4 days is even too long to go without a hug or a kiss from you...

Quote of the day:
"Wanna tell you about the girl I love
My she looks so fine
She's the only one that I been dreamin' of
Maybe someday she will be all mine
I wanna tell her that I love her so
I thrill with her every touch
I need to tell her she's the only one I really love"

1 heartless bastard | crush me

sushininja

:: 2004 15 September :: 11.55am

I dunno...

I have a feeling of impending doom in my stomach...could just be that I've been too depressed to eat...I've snacked on a few things, but other than that, I haven't eaten anything...

Or it could be all of this insecurity I've been welling up inside of me, without telling anybody...I dunno...

I could be overworking myself...I'm working 5 hours now, except for Tuesdays and Thursdays...

Or I'm not getting enough sleep...

*Sigh*

I just want to fall asleep, and wake up to find you next to me, causing all of my insecurities to vanish...

1 heartless bastard | crush me

sushininja

:: 2004 14 September :: 2.20pm

Jesus, I need to stop being an asshole...I'm sorry how I acted last night, when I called...I'm working on not being like that, I swear...

1 heartless bastard | crush me

sushininja

:: 2004 13 September :: 10.05pm
:: Mood: ?

*sob*
I guess it is good...but the lack of talking bothers me a lot...makes me feel even more insecure, even more depressed...I'm sure how to get over all of this...there must be a way, but I'm not too sure...I'm the one who has all the depression...I'm not too sure who to turn to now...My number 1 person is too busy now a days to put up with all of this...it isn't your fault, and I'm not blaming you, I'm just trying to figure out what to do...

I need to cope, and stop holding you back (if I am)...

Maybe I just need something to reassure me...

2 heartless bastards | crush me

sushininja

:: 2004 12 September :: 3.35pm

Well, yesterday was good...Carmen was back, so that's why...I had a good time with her, but even with her being home for less than a day, I managed to be an asshole...but beside that, it was a good day...Walked around BSAF for awhile, took a nap, ate dinner, etc. Only thing that didn't happen was seeing a movie or something, and when she did want to see one, it was too late to start one...there's always next time...

*sigh*

I'm so pathetic, I miss you already, and you haven't even been gone for more than a few hours...I love you...

1 heartless bastard | crush me

emilydawest

:: 2004 6 September :: 4.55pm

School is in, and it isn't that bad. I changed my schedule for the third time and I think it has finally worked out, so i am happy, at least for the moment.

crush me

sushininja

:: 2004 6 September :: 1.40am
:: Mood: not good
:: Music: Blut Aus Nord

I miss you
Well...Friday definitely wasn't a good day for me...Carmen left around 11:10, and I wasn't able to see her off...and now she is gone, until she returns for BSAF on Saturday...I'm so proud of her, though...going to the college she wants, and coping pretty well with the change of scenery...I just miss her, that's all...but anyways, I'm looking forward to her coming back...but, that doesn't make me miss her anyless...and I do miss her something terrible...and it makes me feel even shittier for the hard time I gave her when she was missing Chris so much...such an asshole, I was...anywho, Friday night's band went ok...kinda lonely and such, but ok...

On Saturday, I went to work at 10, and got off at 3...after that, I did some things around the house, and then ate chicken for dinner...went to bassoon lessons, learned how to fix a bassoon (partly)....afterwards, went home and hung out with Justin, which was fun...we played the Dragonball Z fighting game...had some laughs with that...hopefully, I get to hang out with Justin tomorrow...after I came home, I talked with Carmen for awhile, and got to sleep eventually...

Today, we went to 8:30 service (which I had a hard time staying awake for)...after service, we got stuff together, and started to drive to Cleveland...it was an alright time...I was kinda lazy and depressed...the game kinda sucked too...Indians lost...game was boring...I read, mostly...it's funny, actually, I pay to go to a game, and I read instead...on the trip home, we watched "It's a mad, mad, mad, mad world" and on the trip there, most of "Doctor Zhivago"...

Je t'aime, et, quand je me dorm, je te r�ve...*muah* *hug*

1 heartless bastard | crush me

emilydawest

:: 2004 29 August :: 7.12pm

Summer may have seemed short, but it always feels that way. The fact of the matter is....I don't want to go back. But, the fact of the matter is, after this year I won't have to.

So to contradict what i just said, I can't wait for school to start, because that way the sooner it starts the sooner it is OVER.

crush me

emilydawest

:: 2004 25 August :: 5.50pm

I doubt
that anyone sincerely cares about my interests for the future. I also doubt that anyone really wants me to follow my dreams. Why do I doubt the intentions of others?

Because I have finally decided what I want to do with my life. I know this idea for my future will probably change slightly over the next few years, but I know what I want, and I am going to chase that dream down until it is mine.

All I want is to be happy.

I don't want to go to highschool everyday because it is the law, I want to go on my own free will.

I don't want to go to college because that is "what is best" I want to go so I can better myself.

I want to get married for the sake of love, not for the sake of being married.

I don't want to have children because it is part of the human instinct, I want to have children so they can learn how to fight it.

I don't want to be a stay at home mom, I want to raise the next generation.

I don't want to grow old, I want to grow young.

I don't want to die alone and forgotten, I don't want to be a shadow in the memories of all those who I shared life with. I want to be a memory that doesn't die, I want to live on in the hearts of my friends and family.

All I want is to be happy.

crush me

emilydawest

:: 2004 24 August :: 11.04pm

so i've
decided that I am satisfied with who i am (to an extent) I may not be the prettiest or the skinniest, but it doesn't matter as much anymore. I am going to be me and not worry about anything else.

Who am I? Well...i am not exactly sure...

crush me

emilydawest

:: 2004 24 August :: 8.43pm

Remember who you are, you are my son and the one true King...remember...

crush me