am I only a void?
I feel merely as if I am nothing, but yet I find enough of a feeling to hate myself. I tell my eyes to lie, but it is impossible to make them anymore. More empty I feel everyday, only because I make myself that way. I am afraid of every fucking thing. The only person who can truly help me the most, I wont let close. The only person I trust, Has her own life, and better things to worry about....I still live for you both. You keep me alive enough to continue.

I'm so pissed off right now and I really don't know why. Sometimes I really wonder why I'm here. I've fucked up so many times. So many nights I wish I didnt remember, That now echo in my head endlessly. I made a list of everything I have done wrong...or fucked up... or that has caused me to be how I currently am... and the only thing that did was consolidate everything into one list for me to stare at. To merely remind me of everything. I don't really know what I'm even supposed to be thinking anymore. Just take a good look at my wrist and you can see my regrets... basically leading me to somewhere I thought I never would end at.

...Found a box of sharp objects, what a beautiful thing...

I think I may have hit rock bottom, and all that's left is to crawl underneath the stone and hide before I lose all I still have.

TRUSTcompany - Slipping Away

I won't let you down
The words you said to me
It's echoing the sound
Of what would never be
I'm standing here alone
The memories remain
The same familiar home
But nothing looks the same
And I'm standing here alone
Can't tell if I'm awake
Reality is gone
In a dream I can't escape
You said
Hold on
But I feel like
I'm slipping away
I'm getting through it now
I guess it's plain to see
That everything I am
Is not everything you need

Bryan... thank you for the flowers... I didnt throw them away. They cost more, than me, myself, are worth. But thank you very much. I have been thinking alot about you and I.. I will tell you what I have been thinking about when you are on...

*sigh*..... Sorry I dont have much to say.. if you were in my head you would be overwelmed with my thoughts, but I am not capable of putting them down for the world to see.

do you know im faking?
Today was one of those days where... absolutely nothing goes right... at all.

I was fairly emotionless all day... I did enjoy that... It is really amusing to not have a reaction to things. Good or bad... neither were expressed today.

I am still undecided about Bryan and I. I dont know why... I love him, why not be with him right??? I know... I should jump for the second chance... but something is holding me back. Im not completely aware of what however.

I got the urge to smoke earlier... I dont know why, and no I didnt, it was just something that hit me....why cant important answers come to my head instead of shit like that???

I hope you are having fun Ellen.... You need to have some fun... Yes.... you *points finger*

....you take away, i feel the same, all the promises you made to me are made in vain, i lost myself inside your tainted smile again, cuz you can feel my anger you can feel my pain, you can feel my torment driving me insane, i cant fight these feelings they will bring you pain, you can take away, make me whole again.....

When you want it
It goes away too fast
When you hate it
It always seems to last
But just remember when you think you're free
The crack inside your fucking heart is me

I left during half-time....everyone left me. Except Amber... the only person who cares... well...maybe not, I hope not.

I hate you more than life itself.
I even hate you more than I hate myself.

I hate, therefor I am.
I am, therefor I hate.

Another nail in my coffin.
Another thorn in my side.
Another gun to my temple.
(Goodbye...goodbye)

Im sorry....
Bryan...ahh... I dont mean to make everything hard and confusing... it just happens like that when it passes through me... Im sorry.... for everything. *sigh*

*wipes tear*

today sucked I havent made up my mind why it sucked so severely...but it did... I dont remember driving home... thinking about the day... it just makes me CrAzY
ahh....fuck... people fucking suck....

I did have one good moment....actually two...

1. I yelled at Sara
2. between Lindsay and I...
group talking about sex...and whores...Lindsay sais something about losing her virginity to...something...dont recall
Me: I know someone who lost their virginity to a shampoo bottle....
Lindsay: Was it a girl??
Everyone sits there for a moment thinking about how dumb she just was...Melissa started laughing....
Melissa and I:No it was a guy...
*Melissa goes into detail....*
Lindsay:I guess it would have to be a girl huh?

hmm.....NO SHIT