:: 2005 16 May :: 10.50 pm

I have the worst timing ever. Actually, I have the worst judgement ever. I really evaluated this situation completely wrong. Typical, I suppose. I just can't handle my emotions very well. I suppose that's why I've always been a pretty big user of drugs and alcohol, it's makes me feel stable and no one can penetrate my emotions. It's going to be hard to handle this sober. Logically, it's the hardest thing I've ever had to face in my entire life, and there's been a lot I've had to handle through the years. I'd rather live my entire life over and go through all of the pain and suffering again than to even attempt to face this. This sends me right back down to the bottom. Hoo-ray for my stupid mistakes. Damn it! I really want to just say what I'm thinking but I can't.. I just can't do it.

This is pointless.

1 Blank | Shoot Me

:: 2005 16 May :: 4.00 pm

*shrug*

I hate change. Just as I begin to get used to where I'm at everything and everyone I'm around shifts. I'd like to know what is really going on with you.. I've heard things from everyone else except you. I'm really dying to know so I can dread next year even more and so I can know what I don't have to look forward to any longer. And it's not because I don't understand, I do.. it just plain sucks ass. That's all there is to it. I suppose that just makes me selfish, but that'll give everyone something else to complain about.

It's strange to walk into school and see my photo on the wall.. I'm part Weaubleau's history now. Strange, I'd never thought about being some part of the past at Weaubleau. It's not right, I'll never be ready for this change. Especially not now.

-this week-
Tuesday - School at 8 for publications
Wednesday - Nothing during the day, Tiff's -maybe- for the night.
Thursday - *inserts event I've forgotten about*, softball practice at 8:30
Friday - *inserts another forgotten activity*

I know I had a busy week, it's all left my head.. I hope someone reminds me.

Shoot Me

:: 2005 13 May :: 10.30 pm

What a night.. I'm pretty sure the reality of what just happened has yet to hit me. Time to get ready for college, eh? I'm as complete to head out of here as I'll ever be. Too bad classes don't start Monday. I have to get familiar with putting my ring on the oposite way now, it's strange.

Shoot Me

:: 2005 13 May :: 1.00 pm

The day has come. Today is a day I never thought I'd make it too. Now that I have I can finally say that I'm glad to be here. So many things about today send mixed emotions through my head over and over again. I can't exactly pin myself down to feeling one, two.. even three emotions. It's time for everything to change.. time for me to not just depend on everyone else for back-up, but depend on myself. I've never been a believer in myself.. it's going to be a task. I'm sad that the fun is over and that my friends and I will all go seperate ways and each find success in different parts of the state, country, maybe the world. I'll miss the days when you have that feeling that everyone is actually in a good mood and getting food thrown at me daily. I'll miss the security and simplicity. I'll miss my mom and the way she never knows but always seems to understand and work a way around things so they work. It sickens me that she'll be left alone here with my father. I've always been her responsibility.. it was always her job to take care of me, but that was also my job to keep her safe and sane. I'm not sure if I'll miss having to guard her with my life but, I'll miss those times when it brought us closer because we successfully made it through another night without any injuries. I'm happy that I get to finally prove what I can do. I'm also happy that I and everyone in my class, though deemed as "underachievers", has had a successful year and are planning to continue education, and I pray you all succeed. I'm lucky to have so many friends and special hearts in my life. Most can never say they've had a true friend, I guess that qualifies me as lucky and blessed. This year has been the last time for many things.. too many things. I love all of you with all of my heart that's ever helped me out with my issues, from a hug when I looked down, a talk about what happened the night before, even introducing a way to look at things as if they would really be okay in the end. I look back and sometime I really didn't show or tell any of you how much it meant for that one simple hug, or talk.. to me, those were both the biggest feelings of security I could've asked for.

I missed a lot but I couldn't have asked for a better senior year. I'll remember this year forever. I thank you all for the memories, moments, and motivation. I'm truly blessed to know you all. Without every single one of you I wouldn't be the person I am today.

1 Blank | Shoot Me

:: 2005 9 May :: 4.50 pm

So.. another shitty day. Atleast until I checked my e-mail last hour. Good news, hopefully.

I can't believe tomorrow is my last day of school at Weaubleau. I never thought I'd finish, I never thought I'd get anywhere. Thanks to every single one of you who helped me find a way. I'm just ready to see how well I can do in life. I'm ready to prove everyone wrong who ever doubted me.

Anyway.. I had planned to go to your place today but this morning I received information containing crap regarding the athletic banquet for basketball being tonight. Nice to know. Jesus, what a school.

Then.. I have softball practice at 8:30 tonight.

..and my mom just hung up on a loan specialist from US Bank. Which is where I applied for loans from. My father blamed it on me.. "well, it's not your fault, you didnt know" he said to my mother.. she didn't have to claim she was me, did she? Whatever, I'm out as soon as I can get there.

Schedule for the next few days:
Tuesday - School -last day-, perhaps a party, might venture to Bolivar.
Wednesday - Nothing that day, Mrs. Walden's at 6:30, Tiff's for the night.
Thursday - Nothing that morning, Photo's at two, Pick up some stuff, nothing that night yet.
Friday - 9:30 Grad. Practice *adds in butterflies*, 10:30 Awards Ceremony, 7:00 Graduation [hope you are all there], Project Grad.
Saturday - Back at 7 from Project Grad., Ellen's for a bit, Home to sleep, Grad. Party, Pass out.
Sunday - Wake up from passing out, go home, sleep.

5 Blank's | Shoot Me