"Above all else guard your heart, for it is a wellspring of life." - Proverbs 4:23

 

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Aaron

:: 2004 15 June :: 2.10am
:: Mood: I hurt myself today, to see if I still feel, I foc
:: Music: something on my uncles sterio...some rockn' roll version of an old sad song.

The wedding
So familiar and overwhelmingly warm
This one, this form I hold now.
Embracing you, this reality here,
This one, this form I hold now, so
Wide eyed and hopeful.
Wide eyed and hopefully wild.

We barely remember what came before this precious moment,
Choosing to be here right now. Hold on, stay inside...
This body holding me, reminding me that I am not alone in
This body makes me feel eternal. All this pain is an illusion.


I went to shane and stephanies wedding. I cried through the whole thing. people looked at me funny. not because I was crying, but because of the face I had on...one of pure pain, not the joy you would expect to see at a wedding. The weight that had been accumulating all these past months finally fell on me. the weight of all that had been lost rested one my shoulders. and I wept. I wept for her. for all she had lost. but mostly I wept because I know no one will love her like i did, like i do, like i always will...

For all she had lost...

We practiced loading and firing yesterday. I saw him, down by a tree. he was obviously wounded from the last time we fired. I kept loading. when my gun was loaded and primed, I waited for Jim's command.
Ready!
I go to full cock
aim!
I see him at the end of my barrel
FIRE!!!
The smoke blinded me, the kick caused me to look away. When I finally turned my head and looked again he had a gaping crimson void in his sternum. but every time I'd look away he'd go back to a state of immpecable health, all except a wound in his leg. and everytime we fired I saw him, aimed for him, and with a deep firey loathing, pulled the trigger.

Schools...
Well, The oaks is out. Saint michaels is out. NW christian is out. Gonzaga Prep is out. But I have to take care of Valley christian and Ferris and cornerstone. GODDAMMIT! I BELONG WITH MY FRIENDS NOT AT SOME PANZY ASS CHRISTIAN PRIVATE SCHOOL!!! AGHHHHHHHHHH!!!

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Aaron

:: 2004 10 June :: 11.56pm
:: Mood: Triumphant
:: Music: Something with horns...

I am the overlord!
Ha! I snuck on to my mom's computer! Oh...I have to call Tori now... okay. b'bye

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Aaron

:: 2004 5 June :: 11.02pm

did you happen to catch
or did it happen so fast
what you thought would always last
has passed you by
is everything speeding up
or am i slowing down
i'm just spinning around
and i don't know why
all the pieces don't fit
though i didn't really give a shit
i never wanted to be like you
but for all i aspire
i am really a liar
and i'm running out of things i can do

i'd like to stay
but every day
everything pushes me farther away
if you could show
help me to know
how it's supposed to be
where did it go?

pleading and
needing and
bleeding and
breeding and
feeding
exceeding
where is everybody?
trying and
lying
defying
denying
crying and
dying
where is everybody?

well okay, enough.
you've had your fun
but come on there has got to be someone
hasn't yet become
so numb
and succumb
and
god damn i am so tired of pretending
wishing i was ending
when all i'm really doing is trying to hide
and keep it inside
fill it with lies
open my eyes?
maybe i wish i could try

pleading and
needing and
bleeding and
breeding
feeding
exceding
where is everybody?
trying and
lying
defying
denying
crying and
dying
where is everybody?

pleading
feeding
bleeding
breeding
feeding
exceding
where is everybody?
trying
lying
defying
denying
crying and
dying
where is everybody?

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Aaron

:: 2004 5 June :: 5.43pm
:: Mood: Forsaken
:: Music: More Tool

My field of ashes.
Read some of Tori's journal...so much in there about him...

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Aaron

:: 2004 5 June :: 5.30pm
:: Mood: fearful
:: Music: Tool, Lateralus

Visions...
I had some visions today...they were really vivid. They were of Tori...it was...horrible...so many of them...

"Oh God, Save me..."

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shalee

:: 2004 26 May :: 11.40am
:: Mood: touched

[What She Doesn't Know Will Kill You by Matt Brochu]:

You met her a few months ago, and somehow she managed to seep into your subconscious like that "Suga how you get so fly" song. Just like you have no clue who the hell sings it, you don't know why she's there. But she is, whether you like it or not. You know her cell phone, her room phone. You can dial her Aunt Doreen's house in West Springfield (where she goes to do her laundry every two weeks) faster than you can peck-out 911. But she doesn't know.

Her screenname, that generic one with her first name followed by three to five random numbers or UMass, has its own category at the top of your buddy list. Not only do you know what a "Buddy Alert" is, you've rigged your computer to play "Fat Guy in a Little Coat" from "Tommy Boy" every time her screen name changes from gray to black. Then her away message comes down, and you have a decision to make. To IM or not to IM? These are the ridiculous games that you play on a daily basis. But she doesn't know.

She's it. All right, so maybe not "it" it. Not necessarily Ms. Right, but closer to Ms. Right-up-there-with-Anna-Kournikova-and-Lizzie-McGuire-on-your-list-of-people-you'd-give-anything-to-be-stranded-with-on-a-broken-down-elevator. But it's about more than that. When is it ever about more than that? Never. Not like frilly white dress, overpriced catering, embarrassing drunk in-laws more, but closer to UMass sweatpants, two D.P. Dough Roni Zonies, a futon and a movie you have no interest in seeing more. But she doesn't know.

She's gorgeous, but gorgeous is an understatement. More like you're startled every time you see her because you notice something new in a "Where's Waldo" sort of way. More like you can't stop writing third grade run-on sentences because you can't remotely begin to describe something ... someone ... so inherently amazing. But you're a writer. You can describe anything. That's what you do: pictures to words, events to words, words to even better words. But nothing seems right. More like you're afraid that if you stare at her for too long, you'll prove your parents right: that yes, your face will stick that way. But you wouldn't mind.

You wouldn't mind that the questioning, "Hello?" on the other end makes you want to smile and throw up at the same time. You wouldn't mind worrying about what to get her for her birthday and spending $300 when you only have $17.50 and a Triple-A card to your name. You wouldn't mind that she left your TV on and the blaring infomercials wake you up at 4 a.m. ... because it gives you a chance to watch her sleep. You don't mind that you've slipped up twice when you were hammered and hinted at how you feel, but she was too drunk to remember. So she doesn't know.

Sure, she's pretty, but it's about more than that. You two connect. Anything you throw at her, she can throw right back. You figured out what's going on in that predictable head of hers in under five minutes, but something tells you her heart would take about five years.

You remember everything she's ever said to you, and when that freaks her out you blame it on your photographic memory (which is a lie, you have a 2.7 GPA). You can't remember your teaching assistant's name, and you can't remember that your Puffton rent check was due four days ago, yet you remember the middle name of the kid who tripped her in fifth grade and gave her that cute little scar on her shoulder. Maybe it's because you actually listen when she talks. When do you actually listen? Never. But she doesn't know.

But she has a boyfriend. The kid is a tool, and you are not. He has no redeeming qualities, and you have about 38, even when you're hung over. You could kick his butt, and you've never been in a fight in your life. He treats her like crap, and you would treat her like the princess she believed herself to be on Halloween in 1988.

But she loves him. He wouldn't know what he had even if she slapped him across the face and dumped him, but somehow she still loves him. And somehow she still doesn't know.

Then, out of nowhere, she slaps him across the face and dumps him. She comes to you. You've been there before, so you seem like the smartest guy on earth. She cries, but your corny half-joke, half-compliment somehow gets a smile out of her that almost makes you feel ashamed that you're the only one around who gets to witness it. It looks like you might make her realize that all guys don't deserve to have rocks thrown at them.

But nothing changes. She doesn't know. You get that library elevator feeling in your stomach that she'll never know. You get that feeling that you'll be forced to write a cheesy Collegian column about her that makes "Sleepless in Seattle" look like "Girls Gone Wild."

You go to sleep. You wake up. She doesn't know. You're not in love. You're not obsessed. You blame it on the fact that you just need to get some, but still, it's about more than that. It would just be nice if once in your life, things worked out the way you wanted them to.

So ___________, it's about time you know.

Now cut this out, fill in her name, and give it to her, coward. Just let me know how it works out.

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Aaron

:: 2004 2 May :: 2.39am
:: Mood: Sad...No more journal in seven days
:: Music: Godsmack

This probably will be my last journaling session...forever, so savor it. please, I have so much to say I just don't know how to say it!

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Aaron

:: 2004 2 May :: 2.22am
:: Mood: Warm, powerful
:: Music: FF7 Boss music

A penis with legs ^.^
She's still feeling guilty. I can understand. But she has no idea how much I owe her... I would never have found the strength to perservere had she not wounded me, and in the end, it's better this way. I have my strength, my heart, my passion. Next time I find a girl I can offer them all up to her. That's what I did wrong. I never offered anything, only took. no wonder she felt insecure...


HA! A PENIS WITH LEGS!!! sorry, Pat showed me this histarical picture. It looked like a penis with legs. Anyway. Not that I believe that I will find another girl. I really think I'm flying solo form here.

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Aaron

:: 2004 27 March :: 3.16pm
:: Mood: uneasy
:: Music: UNcle chuck playing with his new Amp.

I feel sort of weird, being on the journals for the first time in months. I've been reading wild at heart by John Eldredge and I can't explain how helpful it's been... My favorite part so far is when he was relating life to a part of a war book he had read. The quote reads.
Soldier-"Lueitenant, they're shooting at us!"
Lueitenant-"Well start shooting back!"
Hello? That's what happens in war, you get shot at, and this is how it relates to life. S-H-O-O-T B-A-C-K.

Yip. That says it all. That is the stratigy. The wounds hurt, and there is no shame in that. It's not your fault they hurt. let them hurt, accnoledge the hurt, and then fight the wound, NOT THE PAIN! the pain is not the enemy, the wound causing it is! oh, they want me in the other room. cya.
~Paul

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Aaron

:: 2004 31 January :: 3.37pm

lyrics
The Noose Lyrics

So glad to see you well
Overcome and completely silent now
With heaven's help
You cast your demons out
And not to pull your halo down
Around your neck and tug you off your cloud
But I'm more than just a little curiuos
How you're plannin' to go about makin' your amends
To the dead
To the dead

Recall the deeds as if they're all
Someone else's
Atrocious stories
Now you stand reborn
Before us all
So glad to see you well

And not to pull your halo down
Around your neck and tug you to the ground
But I'm more than just a little curious
How you're plannin' to go about makin' your amends
To the dead
To the dead

With your halo slippin' down
Your halo slippin'
Your halo slippin' down
Your halo slippinn' down

Your halo slippin' down
(I'm more than just a little curious
How you're plannin' to go about makin' your amends)
[repeated]

Your halo slippin' down
Your halo slippin' down to choke you now


Nine Inch Nails Something I Can Never Have lyrics
i still recall the taste of your tears.
echoing your voice just like the ringing in my ears.
my favorite dreams of you still wash ashore.
scraping through my head 'till i don't want to sleep anymore.

[Chorus:]
come on tell me.
you'll make this all go away.
you'll make this all go away.
i'm down to just one thing.
and i'm starting to scare myself.
you'll make this all go away.
you'll you make this all go way.
i just want something.
i just want something i can never have

you always were the one to show me how
back then i couldn't do the things that i can do now.
this is slowly take me apart.
grey would be the color if i had a heart.

you'll make this all go away.
you'll make this all go away.
i'm down to just one thing.
and i'm starting to scare myself.
you'll make this all go away.
you'll you make this all go way.
i just want something.
i just want something i can never have


in this place it seems like such a same.
though it all looks different now,
i know it's still the same
everywhere i look you're all i see.
just a fading fucking reminder of who i used to be.

[Chorus]

i just want something.
i just want something i can never have
i just want something i can never have
think i know what you meant.
that night on my bed.
still picking at this scab
i wish you were dead.
you sweet and perry ellis.
just stains on my sheets.


Nine Inch Nails That's What I Get lyrics
Just when everything was making sense.
You took away all my self - confidence.
Now all that i've been hearing must be true.
I guess i'm not the only boy for you.

But that's what i get
That's what i get
That's what i get
That's what i get

How could you turn us into this?
After you just taught me how to kiss you.
I told you i'd never say goodbye.
I'm slipping on the tears you made me cry.

But that's what i get.
That's what i get.
That's what i get.
That's what i get.
For trusting you.
That's what i get.

Why does it come as a surprise.
To think that i was so naive.
Maybe didn't mean too much.
But it meant everything to me.

i'm so tired of being here
suppressed by all of my childish fears
and if you have to leave
i wish that you would just leave
your presence still lingers here
and it won't leave me alone

these wounds won't seem to heal
this pain is just too real
there's just too much that time cannot erase

when you cried i'd wipe away all of your tears
when you'd scream i'd fight away all of your fears
and i've held your hand through all of these years
but you still have all of me

you used to captivate me
by your resonating light
but now i'm bound by the life you left behind
your face it haunts my once pleasant dreams
your voice it chased away all the sanity in me

these wounds won't seem to heal
this pain is just too real
there's just too much that time cannot erase

when you cried i'd wipe away all of your tears
when you'd scream i'd fight away all of your fears
and i've held your hand through all of these years
but you still have all of me

i've tried so hard to tell myself that you're gone
but though you're still with me
i've been alone all along


I hurt myself today
to see if I still feel
I focus on the pain
the only thing that's real
the needle tears a hole
the old familiar sting
try to kill it all away
but I remember everything
what have I become?
my sweetest friend
everyone I know
goes away in the end
you could have it all
my empire of dirt
I will let you down
I will make you hurt
I wear my crown of shit
on my liar's chair
full of broken thoughts
I cannot repair
beneath the stain of time
the feeling disappears
you are someone else
I am still right here
what have I become?
my sweetest friend
everyone I know
goes away in the end
you could have it all
my empire of dirt
I will let you down
I will make you hurt
if I could start again
a million miles away
I would keep myself
I would find a way


Once it smiled a silent dell
Where the people did not dwell;
They had gone unto the wars,
Trusting to the mild-eyed stars,
Nightly, from their azure towers,
To keep watch above the flowers,
In the midst of which all day
The red sunlight lazily lay.
Now each visitor shall confess
The sad valley's restlessness.
Nothing there is motionless-
Nothing save the airs that brood
Over the magic solitude.
Ah, by no wind are stirred those trees
That palpitate like the chill seas
Around the misty Hebrides!
Ah, by no wind those clouds are driven
That rustle through the unquiet Heaven
Uneasily, from morn till even,
Over the violets there that lie
In myriad types of the human eye-
Over the lilies there that wave
And weep above a nameless grave!
They wave: — from out their fragrant tops
Eternal dews come down in drops.
They weep: — from off their delicate stems
Perennial tears descend in gems.


We're going to north town...hey, that was before we were dating. don't worry about it...I hate me. I hate me. I hate me. I hate me.I hate me. I hate me. I hate me. I hate me...........

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Aaron

:: 2004 31 January :: 1.46pm
:: Mood: tired...guilty...suicidal (of course)

quizirific stuffesis!!!
" What color of Pernese dragon are you? " - Results:

You are a bronze dragon! You are the biggest of the males, and generally you are the only one who gets to mate with the queen. You are an excellent leader. Your human partner is likely to be a Wingleader or even Weyrleader, the person in charge of the entire Weyr, and you are the mate of the senior queen. You are respected by the lower colors, and if you are the Weyrleader's dragon you are always obeyed, unless the queen contradicts you. Since queens are relatively uncommon, you are widely considered by humans the best dragon to be paired with.
Paste this code into your web page to show off your result to others:

Bronze Dragon
You are a bronze dragon! You are the biggest of
the males, and generally you are the only one
who gets to mate with the queen. You are an
excellent leader. Your human partner is likely
to be a Wingleader or even Weyrleader, the
person in charge of the entire Weyr, and you
are the mate of the senior queen. You are
respected by the lower colors, and if you are
the Weyrleader's dragon you are always obeyed,
unless the queen contradicts you. Since queens
are relatively uncommon, you are widely
considered by humans the best dragon to be
paired with.


What color of Pernese dragon are you?
brought to you by Quizilla


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" good......dark`~Angelz~`light......evil" - Results:

;Fallen Angel;-You are a fallen angel. Once an angel of light you crossed the line into the dark. Most likely for one other than yourself. As a fallen angel, you can often be cold though your insides are burning with emotion. Noing that feeling for someone was what got you here in the first place and you are not willing to go there again. You do not dwell on your emotions though they are there and probably very stong. Your beautiful in an untouchable way. You are an independant spirit becuase of your past and people often try and harness that beauty though never able to succeed. You have a higher understanding of the world and the people in it. You are probably very empathetic to others emotions though not to your own. You wish with all your heart to return to the light. Though your outside is rough and changed through time Your heart remains ever heavenly. You most likely hate pity and cant feel sorry for yourself.
Paste this code into your web page to show off your result to others:

Fallen
;Fallen Angel;-You are a fallen angel. Once an
angel of light you crossed the line into the
dark. Most likely for one other than yourself.
As a fallen angel, you can often be cold though
your insides are burning with emotion. Noing
that feeling for someone was what got you here
in the first place and you are not willing to
go there again. You do not dwell on your
emotions though they are there and probably
very stong. Your beautiful in an untouchable
way. You are an independant spirit becuase of
your past and people often try and harness that
beauty though never able to succeed. You have a
higher understanding of the world and the
people in it. You are probably very empathetic
to others emotions though not to your own. You
wish with all your heart to return to the
light. Though your outside is rough and changed
through time Your heart remains ever heavenly.
You most likely hate pity and cant feel sorry
for yourself.


good......dark`~Angelz~`light......evil
brought to you by Quizilla


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be smart,
be funny.
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Aaron

:: 2004 31 January :: 11.06am
:: Mood: Really fucking pissed off.
:: Music: The great below, Nine inch nails.

Oh, I'm sorry, do I sound BITCHY!!!???
hm...I wonder if just maybe there's a damn good reason for that.
1. I will read most things you write.
2. As arrogant as it sounds, I know pain and fear and what it's like to be "trapped" just a tincy bit better than MOST, not all, but MOST of you.
3. Yes, it's called intuition and a BRAIN. they make this lovely little combination that allow you to see just a bit deeper than the surface.
4. It's called "hiding". People do it all the time...YOU do it all the time. and what does it do? makes you see your self at a surface level.
5. WHO THE HELL ARE YOU TO TELL ME MY IDEAS ABOUT REALITY ARE FALSE???????? YOU WOULDN'T RECOGNIZE REALITY IF IT WAS LOADED INTO A GUN AND FIRED AT YOUR HEAD!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

okay, now that I have that all out, I will state this. Most of you think you've been in "love" before. but the funny thing is, just that sentance contradicts one of the major charactoristics of "love". It doesn't ever die. it doesn't leave. It last FOREVER!!! don't you get that? you fall in love once, and never again!!! got that? good. next "symptom" of love. You EXPECT a relationship that is a result of love to last forever. got that? fantastic! thirdly, it waits. it's patient, and gentle. not forcing and bold. (hence the reason I asked...and I asked twice, over the span of an hour and a half, thank you very much...damn girls have a thing for exageration.) okay! fourth symptom of love...look people, it's not something that's designed to just step in or out of. It's not a doorway... though is often treated like one. if I was moving too fast, or saying things that made you uncomfortable, SAY SOMETHING!!! Goddamnit! It's a RELATIONSHIP...R-E-L-A-T-I-O-N-S-H-I-P!!! if Morgan said something that made you uncomfortable, what would you've done? bottle it up until it exploded, shattering the relationship, or would you talk to her about it? Why was it any different with me? I'm unpredictable, but that doesn't make me weak. okay.....It's time for me and Pat and Quin...if he ever wakes up, to go sit on the rock above the copper mantion and look over all of Spokane...and dream of what it would look like after being hit with 150 tactical nukes...
Later


PS...look, I'm sorry I'm so bitchy and irritable...and if you all hate me for this entry...I understand. But i won't hide anymore...This is how I feel...I mean, I love you all so much...you have no idea what you mean to me...but...but i have alot of anger in me right now...
byebye now...

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Aaron

:: 2004 10 January :: 2.44pm
:: Mood: Suicidal 9notice hwo often that comes up?) hungry.
:: Music: Hurt NIN

Suicide
so yeah...I think this will be my last entry for a good long while. We'll see...if I live long enough to write again. I guess I want to say goodbye...no idea who gives a fuck. People say they would be devastated if I did something serious...but they wouldn't. they'd see how much better off the world is without me. you'll all live better when I'm gone...so goodbye, for good I hope. I love you all.

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Aaron

:: 2004 10 January :: 1.33pm
:: Mood: suicidal/depressed
:: Music: Whiteflag, Dido

I hate me. I hate me. I hate me.I hate me. I hate me. I hate me.
I hate me. I hate me. I hate me. I hate me.I hate me. I hate me. I hate me. I hate me.I hate me. I hate me. I hate me. I hate me.I hate me. I hate me. I hate me. I hate me.I hate me. I hate me. I hate me. I hate me.I hate me. I hate me. I hate me. I hate me.I hate me. I hate me. I hate me. I hate me.I hate me. I hate me. I hate me. I hate me.I hate me. I hate me. I hate me. I hate me.I hate me. I hate me. I hate me. I hate me.I hate me. I hate me. I hate me. I hate me.I hate me. I hate me. I hate me. I hate me.I hate me. I hate me. I hate me. I hate me.I hate me. I hate me. I hate me. I hate me.I hate me. I hate me. I hate me. I hate me.I hate me. I hate me. I hate me. I hate me.I hate me. I hate me. I hate me. I hate me.I hate me. I hate me. I hate me. I hate me.I hate me. I hate me. I hate me. I hate me.I hate me. I hate me. I hate me. I hate me.I hate me. I hate me. I hate me. I hate me.I hate me. I hate me. I hate me. I hate me.I hate me. I hate me. I hate me. I hate me.I hate me. 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I hate me.I hate me. I hate me. I hate me. I hate me.I hate me. I hate me. I hate me. I hate me.I hate me. I hate me. I hate me. I hate me.I hate me. I hate me. I hate me. I hate me.I hate me. I hate me. I hate me. I hate me.I hate me. I hate me. I hate me. I hate me.I hate me. I hate me. I hate me. I hate me.I hate me. I hate me. I hate me. I hate me.I hate me. I hate me. I hate me. I hate me.I hate me. I hate me. I hate me. I hate me.I hate me. I hate me. I hate me. I hate me.I hate me. I hate me. I hate me. I hate me.I hate me. I hate me. I hate me. I hate me.I hate me. I hate me. I hate me. I hate me.I hate me. I hate me. I hate me. I hate me.I hate me. I hate me. I hate me. I hate me.I hate me. I hate me. I hate me. I hate me.I hate me. I hate me. I hate me. I hate me.I hate me. I hate me. I hate me. I hate me.I hate me. I hate me. I hate me. I hate me.I hate me. I hate me. I hate me. I hate me.I hate me. I hate me. I hate me. I hate me.I hate me. I hate me. I hate me. 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I hate me.I hate me. I hate me. I hate me. I hate me.I hate me. I hate m

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Aaron

:: 2004 10 January :: 1.33pm
:: Mood: suicidal/depressed
:: Music: Whiteflag, Dido

I hate me. I hate me. I hate me.I hate me. I hate me. I hate me.
I hate me. I hate me. I hate me. I hate me.I hate me. I hate me. I hate me. I hate me.I hate me. I hate me. I hate me. I hate me.I hate me. I hate me. I hate me. I hate me.I hate me. I hate me. I hate me. I hate me.I hate me. I hate me. I hate me. I hate me.I hate me. I hate me. I hate me. I hate me.I hate me. I hate me. I hate me. I hate me.I hate me. I hate me. I hate me. I hate me.I hate me. I hate me. I hate me. I hate me.I hate me. I hate me. I hate me. I hate me.I hate me. I hate me. I hate me. I hate me.I hate me. I hate me. I hate me. I hate me.I hate me. I hate me. I hate me. I hate me.I hate me. I hate me. I hate me. I hate me.I hate me. I hate me. I hate me. I hate me.I hate me. I hate me. I hate me. I hate me.I hate me. I hate me. I hate me. I hate me.I hate me. I hate me. I hate me. I hate me.I hate me. I hate me. I hate me. I hate me.I hate me. I hate me. I hate me. I hate me.I hate me. I hate me. I hate me. I hate me.I hate me. I hate me. I hate me. I hate me.I hate me. I hate me. I hate me. I hate me.I hate me. I hate me. I hate me. I hate me.I hate me. I hate me. I hate me. I hate me.I hate me. I hate me. I hate me. I hate me.I hate me. I hate me. I hate me. I hate me.I hate me. I hate me. I hate me. I hate me.I hate me. I hate me. I hate me. I hate me.I hate me. I hate me. I hate me. I hate me.I hate me. I hate me. I hate me. I hate me.I hate me. I hate me. I hate me. I hate me.I hate me. I hate me. I hate me. I hate me.I hate me. I hate me. I hate me. I hate me.I hate me. I hate me. I hate me. I hate me.I hate me. I hate me. I hate me. I hate me.I hate me. I hate me. I hate me. I hate me.I hate me. I hate me. I hate me. I hate me.I hate me. I hate me. I hate me. I hate me.I hate me. I hate me. I hate me. I hate me.I hate me. I hate me. I hate me. I hate me.I hate me. I hate me. I hate me. I hate me.I hate me. I hate me. I hate me. I hate me.I hate me. I hate me. I hate me. I hate me.I hate me. I hate me. I hate me. I hate me.I hate me. I hate me. 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Aaron

:: 2004 10 January :: 12.16pm
:: Mood: Suicidal/hungry/ I want to cry...I love her so muc
:: Music: That's what I get

The last wordsa God ever spoke to me.
Yes...that's it. You're just a frightened little boy. you'll sit at this computer and bawl your eyes out while listening to your depressing music. you loser. look at you. You're so pathetic. Just kill yourself. No one will really care. They're all better off without you in the way of everything. Yes...let her grow. Let her suffer and love and marry him...but you see? you already know what will happen? you see it, don't you? so you fight, you don't let yourself die or wither. you fight to save her. you sit, everynight, alone, crying cutting screaming biting...fearing hearing burning drinking...drinkning your own blood as it falls from your eyes...eyes that have no tears left to cry...so they bleed. Do you prefer it with salt? no...you like it sweet, metallic. fresh from your vains...or even better, the vains of someone else. a foreign delicacy.something new. you sick life-sucker, you wretched broken demon. you disgusting disgrace, you fallen angel. suffer! forever I damn you! die...broken...forsaken...pain.....


yeah, pain...."you are never truely free until you have lost everything"....If that truely is the case, my life redefines "freedom".
mmm....Helium....yummy.
lol, Pat's voice is all fucked up....

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Aaron

:: 2004 10 January :: 12.07pm

"The Great Below"
staring at the sea
will she come?
is there hope for me
after all is said and done
anything at any price
all of this for you
all the spoils of a wasted life
all of this for you
all the world has closed her eyes
tired faith all worn and thin
for all we could have done
and all that could have been

ocean pulls me close
and whispers in my ear
the destiny i've chose
all becoming clear
the currents have their say
the time is drawing near
washes me away
makes me disappear

i descend from grace
in arms of undertow
i will take my place
in the great below

i can still feel you
even so far away

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Aaron

:: 2004 10 January :: 11.59am
:: Music: NIN

NIN Lyrics
"That's What I Get"
Just when everything was making sense
You took away all my self-confidence.
Now all that I've been hearing must be true.
I guess I'm not the only boy for you.

That's what I get
That's what I get
That's what I get
That's what I get

How could you turn me into this?
After you just taught me how to kiss you.
I told you I'd never say goodbye.
Now i'm slipping on the tears you made me cry

But that's what i get
That's what I get
That's what I get
That's what I get

Why does it come as a surprise.
To think that I was so naive.
Maybe didn't mean that much.
But it meant everything to me.

That's what I get
That's what I get
That's what I get
That's what I get
That's what I get
That's what I get
That's what I get
That's what I get
That's what I get
That's what I get
That's what I get
That's what I get

"Something I Can Never Have"
still recall the taste of your tears.
echoing your voice just like the ringing in my ears.
my favorite dreams of you still wash ashore.
scraping through my head 'till i dont want to sleep anymore

you make this all go away.
you make this all go away.
i'm down to just one thing
and i'm starting to scare myself.
you make this all go away.
you make this all go away.
i just want something.
i just want something i can never have.

you always were the one to show me how.
back then i couldn't do the things that i can do now
this thing is slowly taking me apart.
grey would be the color if i had a heart

come on tell me
you make this all go away.
you make this all go away.
i'm down to just one thing
and i'm starting to scare myself.
you make this all go away.
you make this all go away.
i just want something.
i just want something i can never have.

in this place it seems like such a shame.
though it all looks different now,
i know it's still the same
everywhere i look you're all i see.
just a fading fucking reminder of who i used to be

come on tell me
you make this all go away.
you make this all go away.
i'm down to just one thing
and i'm starting to scare myself.
you make this all go away.
you make this all go away.
i just want something.
i just want something i can never have.
i just want something i cna never have

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Aaron

:: 2004 10 January :: 11.35am
:: Mood: empty/worthless/suicidal
:: Music: Head liike a hole, NIN

"Severed"
You left me to die
You left me to cry
You left me to Scream
(Severed)
You left me to starve
You left me to carve
Your name into my flesh
(Severed)
Broken by your greed,
hoplessness and need.
killed by your fear of death.
Sever Me
Sever Me
never to hold me
never to kiss me
never to love again
only to break
Only to weather
Made to forsake
Only to Sever
(Severed)

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Aaron

:: 2004 10 January :: 9.54am
:: Mood: tired...I really have to pee
:: Music: none

previous entry
ok....so the last part wasn't designed to make any sence....if it did, I'd have to worry...ok, me and pat have been watching "Rose Red". Time for the second disk...and more coffee....mmmm.

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Aaron

:: 2004 10 January :: 5.11am
:: Mood: I miss her...she's been gone for a month now...
:: Music: Somethign I can never have, NIN

Selfish...no, immature...yes
:: 2003 18 October :: 9.52 pm
:: Mood: giddy
:: Music: The Great Below: NIN

-takes a break from Steinbeck project- I keep getting adrenaline rushes. My mom and Morgan and I are all listening to the CD he made for me, and as we talk about school and boys and cuss words and stuff, I keep getting this urge to just stand up and scream, "I LOVE PAUL! I'M GOING TO BE WITH HIM FOR FOREVER AND BEYOND AND BE HAPPY FOR THE REST OF MY FUCKING LIFE!!" But then I'm like.. whoa Tori.. calm down.. and then it comes back like a big whoosh.. and I'm hyper.. and ahhhh... so crazy... Right, just had to get that out. G'bye now.

2 wishes | Make a wish


--------------------------------------------------------------------------------



"It's not selfish to want someone to keep their promise to love you froever, it's just immature to hang on to that promise after it's been broken"-Madeline Lee Mahugh.

-cries-
I'm ruining me and Pat's night of fun...
There is so much I could accuse her of, so much I could make her feel guilty for. I could kill myself, right on her doorstep....or in her very room. so when she wakes up, there is my bloody corpse. I want to die...almost as much as I want to hear her say "I love you". I could do that to her, and in a sick twisted way, I want to. but she doesn't diserve it...no, none of them diserve it...though according to Betsy and Madeline She doesn't diserve me, either. But she has me. It's never been about what we diserve, about what we're entitled to. It's what we'll give, what we'll take, and how far we'll chase our dreams...not what we diserve. Maybe she doesn't diserve me...maybe she does. It really doesn't matter at all. (song changes to "That's what I get", Nine inch Nails)...One month ago this afternoon I will have just made the mistake that will have gotten me a nice fuck up the ass




I LOVE YOU!!! I HATE ME!!! I LOVE YOU!!! I'm sick of hiding...of being afraid, of not knowing what to beleive...

DAMMIT TORI!!! ARE WE OR AREN'T WE FRIENDS????



< Give her space paul, remember, give her space >



Okay...do we just start over? no five years of friendship...no,we just met...never dated, never held hands....none of it. If you'll agree....please....or will you leave me for dead? -points to icon-....that's where I'd love to be...please...don't sever it all....(mmm....black coffee...so...cafinated.)



Meg proscribed me Lexapro. I just stop taking Prozac....It won't be out of my system until next thrusday, when I start taking Lexapro. If I took the Lexapro now, I'd have too much Ceratonin in my brain and would not get high off of the drugs themselves, but the ceratonin, which is the chemical produced by your brain as a result of the drugs. I would halucinate and shit...



~Am I Severed?....~



~bring me to life...all i need is a drop of blood...~


~...Maybe I really am a Vamp....in a sence, I am. I suck the strength from people with my presence.~


~paul, you're a worhtless fuck...nothing without her~

~don't listen!!~

~so strong...soft...sweet...tender....~


~NO!!!PAUL!!!~

~hu...?~

~Shit!!! we're losing him..~

*click **shing*

~no....NOOOOO-~


Katrina's vice was cut short by Exalian's bullet. Aaron, in reflex, shot Exalian, killing him instantly. He then left to see what real damage had been done. he ran past the engine room and through the doors, and down the hall, looked at the many computers. He was no expert Pilot, but he knew enough...enough to make what he saw turn his blood to ice.

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Aaron

:: 2004 10 January :: 1.40am
:: Mood: Suicidal (notice the new pic)
:: Music: Sad happy, Cold.

Anyone up for a bath?
Now I want you all to think. Think as hard as you can...shut your eyes (because I know you can do that and still read this. Remember, you are special!) think about what it must have been like for you the first time you looked in a mirror and realized that you were looking at yourself? well...that's how I was when I saw this pic pat found...under suicide. You see, there was a night on which I took all the knives, scizors, razors, and anything else I could cut myself with that was in my house, sat on my kitchen floor and laid them out in a nice neat pile. I organized them, looked at them, tested the edge. I guess I was looking to see if they "suited" my purpose-if they were worthy of claiming my life. I see that picture and see me. My blood all over, women screaming, weeping. Men cursing, sobbing, breaking things. the sirens, the people stepping into the street to see my severed body being pulled away on a stretcher, the blood of thousands of deep wounds soaking through the cloth pulled over my corpse. tears won't save me now, nor will fear. I hate myself more than anything. And the love that delayed my leave...has vanished. I guess this was coming anyway. all you did was stall it. I am happy it happened. now as my soul plays about the clouds and watches you grow, fall in love for the last time. The soul with you on your wedding day. the soul that will never leave your side, that will turn it's face when it feels shame, but never leave. I...I...I love you.


Am I plaining anything? Of course! What's you think would happen? I'd just live like this? with this inky wall in front of me? Hell. No. Selfish? Oh no, I'll tell you what's selfish. Someone wanting me around for their own selfish personal reasons while I suffer every minute in pain. I hate the world we live in. I hate who I am, I hate me so fucking much. I want to die...I want to pulverize myself, slowly, painfully, hear my own screams of agony as I suffer and die. My emotions...so powerful. so intense. all my councilors say so. so does anyone else who has any idea who I am. my emotions are hundreds of times more intense than our societies average-especially junior high. I hate hwo superficial things are. Oh, punk and prep. What the hell is Punk? Prep? who gives a flying fuck of a shit in a goddamn frozen over hell???? I sure don't!!! goddamnit, dress like a fucking whore for all I care! wear your damn abercrombie! You know Abercrombie and Fitch owns Hot Topic, right? it's all so pointless! IT'S ALL SO IN VAIN!!!! SURE NOW YOU HAVE YOUR WHOLE FUCKING LIFE AHEAD OF YOU, BUT ONE DAY THAT WON'T BE TRUE!!! BUT YOU KNOW WHAT??? YOU KNOW WHAT'S SO FUCKING SOLID YOU CAN COUNT ON IT??? YOUR PAST WON'T EVER BE AHEAD OF YOU! NO!!! IT'S ALWAYS THERE! IT WON'T EVER LEAVE YOU, NOT IN A TRILLION YEARS!!!! DOESN'T ANYONE SEE THAT??? I FEEL LIKE MEG GAVE ME CRAZY PILLS, NOT PROZAC! WE DON'T HAVE FOREVER!!! -takes deep breathe- okay, the point is, you all can sit on your lazy asses and let all the events that will affect your future unfold without your control or consent, fine by me. personally, I'm going to stand up and get. something. done. your guys are going NOWHERE! not if you think nyou have a whole lot of time. It'll run out faster than you think.and as you sit there, old and wrinkled, on your deathbed, you're going to be thinking "oh dammit, that kid wasn't insane, I should've done something about my problems when I had the chance!" but no, it's too late. It'll all be set in stone. and you will be fucked right up the ass. we all have problems. trust me. I have problems I don't think you'll ever learn of. things I get counsiling for that would bend your brain to new hieghts, make you gag and beg for no more. In the immortal words of John Mcguire: I have stories that would make you cry. don't tell me you know what I'm going through. you have no idea....

Point (finally) : you have shit...all of you. I see it everyday. I see you hurt, I see you scream and kick inside of yourself. well...not all of you. This is mainly directed at Tori, Morgan, and Alex (Bergh). but anyway...don't deny it. you know I'm right. you know you hurt. I know you look at people and wonder how the hell they were so lucky that they got it all together. How they can be so goddamn happy. what makes them so fucking special. Solution: well...there are a few.

I: talk to someone! an adult, preferably. doesn't have to be your parents, or anyone you know. Counsilors, parents of friends, teachers, anyone. make them your true support system, let them know who you really are. now, no one person can be an entire support system you'll need at least two or three...but chances are you won't be leaning that hard on anyone person right off the bat anyway. so pick someone and move on to your next "victim". don't discontinue anyone for no reason. that is not good for either person.
II: Anti-depressants- well, to gert your hands on these, you'll need to talk to a counsilor. ok, I have serious depression problems, anxiety problems, and sleep disurbances. not to mention I'm obsessive compulsive, paranoid, and I halucinate. Thenwe can go on to the dissassociative part and all fo that. point being, they have a drug for everyone of those things and about a thousand more.

III: Psych-ward/intensive counciling. now normally you'll either have to pay large amounts of money or pass some requirments test, but if you can get in to one of these, they will help you. Psych wards are usually a couple of weeks. intensive counceling centers and rehab shelters are expensive and usually have a four month minimum. not to mention you are cut off from the world for the most part while you're there. so there you have it folks, more later.

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Aaron

:: 2004 8 January :: 8.51pm
:: Mood: shitty

Latest entry in Satania...the original, that is:


I hate me...I hate me...

Ok, so Xavier says she's a bitch....Alex (gryffin) says she's a bitch...Maddy and Betsy say she's a bitch....holy hell, Am I the only one not pissed for what she did?...what am I saying? I'm pissed as bloody hell...but I don't hate her...I just think...ah, hell, never mind. look, I tried to call but you're not home...obviously. maybe later.

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Aaron

:: 2003 20 December :: 2.41am
:: Mood: Tired/depressed
:: Music: Quin on the guitar

...Stuffsesis
I do beleive you...I worry, but I do beleive you. your friendship is enough...more than enough...more than I can dare to hope for. But right now, I don't feel much pain...not really. I just wish there had been a more pleasant end to the conversation, but yeah. I almost told you...but i caught myself. I guess I go back to the original poem of life.

"and I find myself standing in the moon and starlight, recalling the feeling of her in my arms, her pulse beeting strong against mine. The sweet scent of her hair...and I find myself wondering what her lips taste like, but stop myself and refrain from that arrogant thinking, for I know she loves another (at the time I wrote this that was quin.) But I relax, for I know the fate of all whom resist the war is No other than Life."

Okay then, Pat wants me to go...lol, amazing the things write about when they think now one can see it...lol. Okay, I'll call as many of you as I can over winter break. Later.

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Aaron

:: 2003 20 December :: 12.20am
:: Mood: Infuriated...this emotion is constant.
:: Music: CKY

Silver angel wings stained by the blood of gods cut by broken dreams...

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Aaron

:: 2003 7 December :: 1.14pm
:: Mood: Tired, and hungry. (got to bed at 6:30 am and now
:: Music: Music on the main menue on the first Matrix DVD

Last entry for a while
Well, this will be my last entry for while. Leaving pat's house soon...i miss you all, especially you, Tori. I'll see you tomorrow...I might call later tonight...like sixish...i don't know. I love you.

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Aaron

:: 2003 7 December :: 7.07am
:: Mood: tired, gitty, a little deprived (of someone i'm su
:: Music: Old Aprtment, Me and Mike-e-o!!!!

First entry
Patrick has a journal! ok people, intersted in what this crazy loon has to say? go to http://www.woohu.com/~shroudofrain/...m'kay? jesus, i sounded like a hucster. oh shit, my cane has fallen. look, patrick so kindly retreived it for me! good sausage, good girl. -pats on head-

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Aaron

:: 2003 7 December :: 6.29am

I took the "what kind of goth are you quiz" i couldn't figure out how to copy paste my results, but i got romantic goth. but whatever, i think (and he's reading this) that me and pat need to go play some good ol' Torok. I'll set him up with a woohu account later...so youknow, he can really be "one of the group"... Later people.

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Aaron

:: 2003 7 December :: 6.00am
:: Mood: tired...i miss Tori...my wings.

New layout
look people, i know it's hideous, but it's also 2:46 A.M. on sunday morning, i didn't sleep the night before, I am male, thus have trouble with these things, and i picked one of the hardest pictures to do, though i love this pic...that is Ramza...kinda like Cloud's Multiple personality...but not, but it's confusing...he's the main character of Final Fantasy Tactics...a game that i can place th e glory upon of having a part in saving my life...long story. i love the pic, and i'm still working on the settings...gimme a minute.

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Aaron

:: 2003 28 November :: 7.32pm

-skins own face- "I WANT TO DIE!!!"-evanescence

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