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Aaron
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2003 12 October :: 3.35pm
i love her too much to let go now. so i made that commitment, that godfucked commitment, but who cares? i have the only thing i want. i'm happy. wow. that doesn't happen very often when she's not around
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Aaron
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2003 12 October :: 10.40am
:: Music: sin, NIN
PS
I hope that PS thng in tori's journal wasn't about me. It would make me feel so much like they thought i was a toy, like only what they wanted mattered, like i wasn't a real person with real emotions and a real life, not some simulative drone for their plessure when ever they want it. why am i even bitching? i know it's probably not about me at all. but i'm still paranoid. she's rubbing off on me.
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Aaron
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2003 11 October :: 4.05pm
:: Music: white flag, by god knows who.
Tori
i missed you, even after two hours and twenty minutes i felt sick and totally deprived of you. i never, for a minute ever stopped thinking about you. well i guess that's love. i have to go, so i'll see you later.
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Aaron
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2003 10 October :: 10.22am
:: Music: NIN piggy
Never let go. this is where i belong. in her arms, never let go.
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Aaron
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2003 9 October :: 11.39pm
:: Mood: loved
:: Music: the day the world went away-you guesed it,NIN
Tori
today, as i leaned my head on hear shoulder, and held her hand, and kissed the top of her head, taking in the vanilla scent, and felt her head resting gently on my chest, irealized i could feel every thought and emotion running through her head, and the only reason it took me that long was that they were about the same as what was going through mine. love, a hard feeling in side, and cold. but pleasently cool, not freazing cold, and not a metallic hardness that just makes you upset, no, it was more like a wet cloth on your forhead in a sweltering heat, a refreshing and relaxing feeling. but i realized something else, i don't have to hide anymore. she has such a strong will to her, a power i don't think she even knows about. it's what will free her soul of her mind and hearts conflict, so that she can be herself, love, live, and lauph. that reminds me of one of my own quotes...
"life, love, frendship, you will want them all when you live, but you will need them all to survive"
I have her to survive, and i won't ever let go. no matter what happens, they can't take her from me now, i'll kill to keep her. she's mine, mine, ours, and mine, and i love her, more than most things, more than anything, but yet, i fear.............that maybe, i'll hurt her. no. not like they hurt her. they mean to hurt her. you can cut them without meaning, but you can only scar them if your trying.
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Aaron
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2003 9 October :: 10.30am
:: Music: Silence apocalyptica
now i know, once and for all, and it pains me a little, but the scars will fad, especially ten years from then. but until that day, in a matter of months, i won't let go of her. i don't care what they say or do about this. they're all just more bricks in the wall. i love her....
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Aaron
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2003 8 October :: 11.53pm
:: Music: terrible lie, Nine Inch Nails
My final potatoes
ok, that's mother fucking it, i've chosen my potatoes, and to hell with it all... i'm sick of hiding, i'm sick of holding back, this anger keeps breaking out in small bits and it's hurting other people... today, i blew up and almost killed madeline and hit my mom, and then i like, yeah, hid in my room for fourty five minutes. of course, i had a vision, and it scared the shit out of me, but now, no more hiding, no more holding back, i'm fucking going all the fucking way. i'm over the deep end now. don't try and pull me back.....
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Aaron
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2003 6 October :: 8.16pm
:: Mood: infuriated
:: Music: Hanging by a moment, life house
Tori, as always
hmm, hm hm hm...... i feel like complete shit ferris, i smashed a little kid named satan, i smashed satan, oh dear, dear dark master, i'm so sorry... well anyway, today i felt an awful lot like she was avoiding me. it was annoying, but i understand why, i'm falling even more in love with you letting go of all i've held on too, i'm standing here untill you make me move, hanging by a moment here with you.
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Aaron
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2003 6 October :: 1.05am
:: Mood: intimidated
:: Music: Silence apocalyptica
it feels like a long time since the night she said yes. but it hasn't been. what, two nights? well, it feels like a long time, but it's not. maybe she was right, but i've heard no one say that before. well, whatever, if we do we do, if we don't we don't i guess i'll pick my potatoes.... maybe this weekend....it'd be my first one. wow. i'm already thirteen and i still haven't.......that's a weirded out thought. well, yeah.
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Aaron
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2003 5 October :: 11.42am
:: Mood: mellow
:: Music: piggy NIN
wow
i'm actually happy. wow. god fuck it tori, wha'dya do to me? ha...............ahhhh........i wonder when i'll have to fight again......i can't believe it, what they did to you, what we did to you, and well, that's just so much pain...nothing can stop me now.......I'd kill them all, but it's not really their fault, after, they run with the system, their just another brick in the wall......cause i just don't care.....i found it amusing how alex tried act like she was out. but i'm glad she's not, it's not worth it, but now that we're here, it's like maddy's quote, there's no going back, our potatoes are down......i see the truth when i'm all stupid eyed.........the perfect drug.........i love NIN. well, guess it's that much closer to over...
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Aaron
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2003 4 October :: 11.25am
:: Music: you know you're right, Nirvana, south park theme,matrix fight kungfu fight scene music,( this is the
she's right, i was right, we're all fucking right
Well, now that this is partielly cleared up, i've got some stuff to do......... shit i hate this part, oh well......I have to go before i'm shot by my sister
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Aaron
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2003 4 October :: 11.02am
:: Music: you are the perfect drug, NIN
wow......
i actually believe it. man i was so tired last night that i couldn't remember what i'd said, so i went over the conversation this morning. i was so stupid in them, so so stupid, but i was happy, and i still am, sort of, but yeah........ i've got may head but my head is unraveling, can't keep control can't keep trck of where it's traveling, i got my heart but my hearts no good and your the only one that's understood, I come along but I don't know where you're taking me, i shouldn't go but wrenching dragging shaking, turn off the sun pull the stars from stars from the sky, and i want you, and i wan't you, and i want you, AND I WANT YOU! you are the perfect drug, the perfect drug, the perfect drug, you are the perfect drug the perfect drug the perfect drug.
you make me hard when i'm all soft inside, i see the truth when i'm all stupid eyed, you go straight to my heart, with out you everything just falls apart, my thoughts want to say hello you to you, my feelings want to get inside of you, my sole's sole fight to to realize to realize, every little thing just falls apart, and i want you, and i want you, and i want you, and I want you, and i want you, you are the perfect drug, the perfect drug the perfect drug, you are the perfect drug the perfect drug the perfect drug the perfect drug, you are are the perfect drug........................with out you, with out you, everything falls apart, with out you, it's not as much fun to peices, with out you, with out you every thing falls apart, with out you, with out you it's not as much fun to pick up the peices.
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Aaron
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2003 3 October :: 10.15am
:: Mood: amused
:: Music: Fight fire with fire
she said it.
wow. i'm stubborn, i still don't believe it. she said it right to my fucking face abd I still don't believe it. maybe i was halucinating, or dreaming, or something, but i can't remember clearly, I just remember thinking about it, and getting "gooy". well, i have to be at school in halph an hour, so i'll shut up now.
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Aaron
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2003 2 October :: 10.39pm
:: Mood: embarrassed
dreaming again, the first almost normal dream i ever had
hmm... nice day isn't it?
yeah...
look at all the bugs. what do they live for?
who cares?
not me. hahaha! stop that, it tickles!
oh come on, it's just a little grass.
so what.
so this....
wha-.........
don't look so confused. i know told you. couldn't you hear me scream it on the phone, right after you said it? right after you you said it. are you deaf or something?
or something...
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Aaron
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2003 2 October :: 10.07pm
:: Mood: shnigif
:: Music: heaven is on it's way
OK....shit....fuck....no....ARGH!
If anything weird happened, it happened today. It was faiely embarassing actually. I wanted to shoot myself, so Yeah, I wasn't thinking, then I looked at her, thought about kissing her, and I shnigiffed. It was weird as hell. I nearly fell over, because It was a really bad one to. Normally they feel weird, this one hurt. Yeah, and then I went into her head, and I saw it again, so what the hell am I saying? well, if you don't understand, chances are I don't want you to, so ha! oh yeah, fuck...........................................................
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Aaron
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2003 30 September :: 8.04pm
yeah, that'd be easiest. pertend it didn't happen, pretend i don't know. that's what i'll do. why? because i'm sick of carying on like this,it's not worth it. nope. I'll pretend I'm happy, and then maybe i'll forget.
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Aaron
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2003 29 September :: 11.43pm
:: Mood: infuriated
:: Music: tears in heaven by eric clapton
no
No. I'm coming now. I won't hide it. I tell you my dream. The guy I shot, that was Quin. why? ha! I'd kill anyone for shits and giggles. Except you of course. no. nonononono. what am i saying? Quin's my friend, but then, I guess what I'm going to tell him WILL kill him. oh yeah, tori, so about those things in your head? like what? who you love? oh thats not hard. that answer i've halph known all along. but I hate it. what choice do I have.Oh, well, this'll make you lauph. certain sources tell me that god won't let me love you any longer. and that if you ever came to love me, well, he's stop that to. I'd like to see him try.
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Aaron
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2003 29 September :: 9.12pm
:: Music: path by apocalyptica
Let me be you fuckers!!!
Maybe it's me. Maybe she does love me. that would be a gift. I know she doesn't. It's not real enough. it can't be true. but I can hope, can't I?
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Aaron
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2003 28 September :: 3.28pm
:: Mood: guilty
:: Music: hurt, Terrible lie,
Empire of dirt
Fuck I'm sorry, what am I thinking, I should leave. I'll bet you hate me so what's this worth anyway? life. anything but hate. I told you about life. what it means to me. I feel so stupid now. I am that stupid. HOW!? HOW CAN YOU DO THIS TO ME!? WHAT AM I!? HOW CAN ONE PERSON MAKE ME THIS WEAK!? I have to go. for you. start over.
hide. god, didn't I do this once already? WHAT AM I!? shit. that's all I am to you. Shit. I know how you feel. You hate it that I love you. How am I supposed about Alex feels twords me. I hate it. Not her, just her love. I can't be tweaked for her. It's hopless, and thus I hate myself. I hate it all. I wish I could do something. Why do I feel. NO! I was wrong. You MAKE me feel. But that's all I feel. Hate, love, and fear. fumnf! ha! what comes between fear and sex? fumnf! fuck I'm sorry. I gues I'll see. I hope not in hell. not yet.
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Aaron
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2003 28 September :: 10.25am
:: Mood: bitchy
:: Music: Down the line NIN
DOWN WITH THE CHURCH!
I don't wan't to got to church. I have better things to do. like this, for instance. But I have to take michael the stuff he left hear friday oh well. I guess I have to put up with will again. I hate him. Why won't he let me be my self? He thinks I'll take the church to hell in a handbasket, that's why!!! Fuck it, to hell with it, DOWN WITH THE CHURCH! DOWN WITH THE CHURCH! DOWN WITH THE CHURCH! oh yeah, tori, um I went to your friends button, and was looking through that journal, I think It was alex's but I'm not sure and there was some stuff about when they watched porn, and that was well, disturbing, so my point is, well, WHAT THE FUCK ARE YOUR FRIENDS DOING WATCHING PORN! P-O-R-N!!! God~1, wow, I'd deleat that typo, but it's really awsome, but I'll wright it correctly anyway !*. Ok back to subject (oh because you know it's my favorite *gag*) Yeah, I don't care who was envolved, you all get to be hit upon your heads... most dramatically..
............. Not spanked, and just because I had that pass through my mind, I think I'll have quin do it. I hate being male. It sucks. No really, it's bloody hell, CAUSE THE REST OF THEM (I told you I was bitchy) WON'T SHUT UP ABOUT THIS HOT GIRL THEY FUCKED OR THAT GIRL THIS GUY MADE OUT WITH, BUT WAIT IT GETS, BETTER, IN THE LOCKER ROOMS, GUYS WILL BRAG ABOUT HOW BIG THEIR DICKS ARE AND TRY, TTTRRRYYY TO GET WOODIES JUST TO PROVE IT!!!! ok i'm
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