:: 2004 16 April :: 4.40 pm

I want everyone who reads this to ask me 3 questions. Anything you want. Then go to your journal, copy and paste this allowing your friends (including myself) to ask you anything.

2 Xx.Will.Be.My.xXxX | xX.Inspiration.Xx

:: 2004 16 April :: 6.59 am

All day staring at the ceiling
Making friends with shadows on my wall
All night hearing voices telling me
That I should get some sleep
Because tomorrow might be good for something

Hold on
Feeling like I'm headed for a breakdown
And I don't know why

[Chorus]

But I'm not crazy, I'm just a little unwell
I know right now you can't tell
But stay awhile and maybe then you'll see
A different side of me
I'm not crazy, I'm just a little impaired
I know right now you don't care
But soon enough you're gonna think of me
And how I used to be...me

I'm talking to myself in public
Dodging glances on the train
And I know, I know they've all been talking about me
I can hear them whisper
And it makes me think there must be something wrong with me
Out of all the hours thinking
Somehow I've lost my mind

[Chorus]

But I'm not crazy, I'm just a little unwell
I know right now you can't tell
But stay awhile and maybe then you'll see
A different side of me
I'm not crazy, I'm just a little impaired
I know right now you don't care
But soon enough you're gonna think of me
And how I used to be

I've been talking in my sleep
Pretty soon they'll come to get me
Yeah, they're taking me away

[Chorus]

But I'm not crazy, I'm just a little unwell
I know right now you can't tell
But stay awhile and maybe then you'll see
A different side of me
I'm not crazy, I'm just a little impaired
I know right now you don't care
But soon enough you're gonna think of me
And how I used to be

Yeah, how I used to be
How I used to be
Well, I'm just a little unwell
How I used to be
How I used to be
I'm just a little unwell

xX.Inspiration.Xx

:: 2004 15 April :: 8.30 pm
:: Mood: depressed
:: Music: i'm alright - twiztid

1 Xx.Will.Be.My.xX | xX.Inspiration.Xx

:: 2004 11 April :: 9.41 pm

i guess it is obvious now that i really have no reason on this earth i guess ive comfortated myself with ethe thought that i was here for some purpose that iw ould make something fo myself.. i guess ive always felt destined to be something great but i dont think its so true anymore. my heart weeps in despondency i am nothing but salted fears and stale memories. nothing is really left for me things i used to find comfort in slowly metling awwy. all my old emotions gone.. i mean i dont care about myself.. let alone liek myself. but no, i would never choose to be anyone else. i guess if i had to suffer as anyone it might as well be me...

i find myself constantly writing of love and search for happiness.. but my heart does not truly love anyone.. oive been proven not to trust anyone throughout my life. i am only 14 years old and i have already lost faith in all, including myself. i find it sad how in teh depth of depression i feel teh best... and when i torture myself it makes the slightest lift of stress all that better.. sometimes i just want to hurt myself.. get teh courage to press down teh blade... hurting teh thing on teh outside because i hate whats on the inside.. its such a fad now... ppl showing off that they cut... its a real issue.. nothing to be joked with. nobodies issues can be bad enough to cut. they dont even udnerstand it...the seriousness of all of it... teh symbolism of the blood.. the rush in the sting of the blood seeping from your veins. all of your emotions draining from pale skin like the years you cry... not even i fully understand...

sean told me tonight i always need to get my way.. i guess its true dammit... why am i so stubborn? well its easter.. didnt do ANYTHING special.. dad got home around 5 from florida...i made dinner... and he got me some stupid easter bunny candy.. not like he really cared about it. my first easter without my mom.. and it was a sucky one.. she called my cellfone to talk to me.. and i still am not speaking with her.. when will she understand that what she did was wrong and that i am not teh one being stubborn here. until she realizes the flaws in her ways i will not speak to that selfish woman...

oh the insanity i felt last night.. the chemicals sworming my system.. i kept thinking about tihngs when i was trying to go to sleep.. i thought about how im moving wayyy to fast and im only 14.. i need to slow down.. liek drinking and smoking...its horrible in teh next couple years im already gonna be sick of it... well my birthdays coming up soon.. its gonna suck... moms prolly gonna try n call me or somethihng.... erg my first birthday without my mom... prolly spend it crying or something... damn... i hate this and i hate every emotion running through my veins.. wont they just freeze.. and i wont wake up.. all would be so much easier....

5 Xx.Will.Be.My.xXxX | xX.Inspiration.Xx

:: 2004 4 April :: 8.13 pm
:: Music: sweet surrender

2 Xx.Will.Be.My.xXxX | xX.Inspiration.Xx

:: 2004 4 April :: 12.01 pm

well im wickid afriad...im not gonna say why btu if you know me, then you should know... bahch this is soo sucky im so afraid god damn why am i so stupid???

i dont even knwo anymore..


all this shit is just really really sucky.

i just wish that things would work themselves out..a nd i could just eb happy...

------------------------------------

Sarah McLachlan
Sweet Surrender

it doesn't mean much
it doesn't mean anything at all
the life I've left behind me
is a cold room
I've crossed the last line
from where I can't return
where every step I took in faith
betrayed me
and led me from my home

and sweet
sweet surrender
is all that I have to give

you take me in
no questions asked
you strip away the ugliness
that surrounds me
are you an angel
am I already that gone
I only hope
that I won't disappoint you
when I'm down here
on my knees

and sweet
sweet
sweet surrender
is all that I have to give

sweet
sweet
sweet surrender
is all that I have to give

and I don't understand
by the touch of your hand
I would be the one to fall

I miss the little things
oh I miss everything

it doesn't mean much
it doesn't mean anything at all
the life I left behind me
is a cold room

2 Xx.Will.Be.My.xXxX | xX.Inspiration.Xx

:: 2004 2 April :: 11.31 am
:: Mood: bored
:: Music: nothing im in school...ok nvm candice is singing...addicted...

xX.Inspiration.Xx

:: 2004 30 March :: 8.25 pm

im blank
clean and empty.
vacant and unjaded.
all this life around me
contained segrigated
meant for all and not for me
wont you hold me in the moonlight
wont you kiss me under the stars
but you dont know me
i am new
i am empty...
i am hollow
look right through me
look right through
please dont bother to explain
your silence says enough
your lies have binded me
and i am nothing
turn me over
start a new
no one knows me
just a girl behind a mask
a life behind the lies
but you wont see me
i am new
i am empty...
i am hollow
look right through me
look right through


--------------------------


wont you touch me like you did before
and feel these lips of mine
touch them like you mean it
and hold me like you never want to let go
you touch me and i shiver
my skin once cold feels so warm
i am warm when i am with you
when i touch you
when i see you
when i kiss you
all is calm and my heart feels on wings
i take flight in my mind
i just want to feel beautiful
i just wish i was needed
couldnt you want me
is it too much to ask
i stare at this empty reflection
nothing but an echo in need of improvement
screaming for a change
wont you sink the teeth of time into me
cling on for all i am
suck the life from these veins
i wish to be gone from here
i wish to say goodbye
and feel you kiss one last time
touch your hand like ill never let go
lost in spirit but never in mind
in my dreams nothing can be wrong
so ill dream away...
and sleep for eternity
that way ill never let go of that simple rock
pulling me below
the depth of the ocean the height of the waves crashing upon fragile bones
i am everything i never wished to be
you will forever be the everything who never gave a damn
the only thing i couldnt have
the flawless imperfection
the freckle on your cheek
wont you touch me like you did before
and feel these lips of mine
touch them like you mean it
and hold me like you never want to let go
i just want to feel beautiful...

1 Xx.Will.Be.My.xX | xX.Inspiration.Xx

:: 2004 29 March :: 8.29 pm

my hands touch yours
and your body is such a sweet embrace
the sun flashing vivildly over golden strands
yoru a touch of heaven
a taste of grace
a void in my heart
no boy could replace
and my heart it burns
and my arms they yearn for your love
your touch
your body next to mine
and with each kiss i grow more aware
that these lips are toxic
each touch is pain
but i dont care
because each whisper from your pink lips
falls upon me like petal
silk upon my skin
but dont stop.. cause no1 hurts me like you do

(chorus)
come on abuse me more i like it
these sins feel like pleasure
and its floating me away
intoxicating my emotions
you blininding my fears
theres no one who can hurt me like you
and thats the way it has to be

i dont want nobody elses kisses
all the others are the same
without the bitter and the sour
the sweet tastes old and plain
my heart grows even stronger
every time you push away
speaking silver plated lies
each time you speak my name
spill my heart upon this table
this hidden love for you
touch me sweetly hold me gently
then ease me into pain
you hurt me with each word
but dont stop.. cause no1 hurts me like you do

(chorus)

(bridge)
when we kiss,
when we touch
can you feel, my hearts crushed
when we talk
when we love
can you feel, its so much
can you tell me
just liek this
is it heaven, or pure bliss
am i here, forver more
hold me baby and abuse me more...

so when i close my eyes
and fall asleep
will you watch me as i begin to weep
take my cold pale hand
and hold it next to yours
i wont give up your love
i am not unsure
and in this sunset
i look at you
all thats beautiful
all thats true
behind these smiles
behind the lies
and all these broken
allibies...
i cant stop
this pain i feel
may not be love,
but it feels so real
nobody hurts my heart worse than you
i take the pain and tortue... cuz i love you

xX.Inspiration.Xx

:: 2004 28 March :: 8.26 pm

We gave it our best try
But then it was goodbye
We were better off alone
But now that's all gone for you
And life is wrong for you
But I can't help that

You don't need love
It's a question of obsession
So drawn to your own reflection
You want someone
Like a personal possession
To shine light on your perfection

Call me up a thousand times
You're hanging on the line
Waiting for me to react
But we've been here before
And when I closed the door
I never wanted a second act

I saw it all clearly
But you didn't hear me
Thought our love was centre stage
But now that's all gone for us
And you are dangerous
And I can't help that

Gave my heart a thousand times
And I can't count the nights
That I cried myself to sleep
But now I'm so over you
And I see what you do
Your sincerity's kinda cheap

Remember the mind games
Driving me insane
When my life was not my own
And even though you have gone
It still carries on
And I can't stop it

You don't need love
It's a question of obsession
So drawn to your own reflection
You want someone
Like a personal possession
To shine light on your perfection


-obsession - kylie Minogue

--------------------------------

me time :-)

im walking away
from all that i had
im leaving today
please dont be sad

just know im happy
in my new home
and if you think about me
then your never alone

if im gone
will my presence linger
will you hold me
will i still be wrapped around your finger

will you hold me
the way you did
or will i be gone
oh god forbid

cuz i am leaving
be glad im saying goodbye
im walking out that door
please dont start to cry

fore, if i see your face
a glowing blue
i will fall because
i still love you

---------------------------------------

xX.Inspiration.Xx

:: 2004 24 March :: 10.46 am

A great numb feeling washes over me as I let go of the past and look forward to the future. Pretend to be a vampire. I don't really need to pretend, because it's who I am, an emotional vampire. I've just come to expect it. Vampires are real. That I was born this way. That I feed off of other people's real emotions. Search for this night's prey. Who will it be?

- rules of attraction



it is in the greatest depths of depression which i learn what it truly feels like to be happy. without this terrible heartache ive grown so fond of, which is now just part of me i wouldnt know what to do. It is almost some sort of sort of dark comfort to know that this pain is always there. always lingering over head. i guess in this blackened room i can collect my thoughts and reflect upon the lives ive so recently bruised. it is in this darkness that i completely understand the light. it is here that i understand why we pain why we fail... it is now that i appreciate completely how i used to feel. how i remember happiness, summer days with my mom and kaitlin. i miss days like that. days when the sun never seemed to shine so bright and the birds never seemed so loud and melodic, when a bouncy ball never seemed so entertaining. days in the summer when nothing mattered accept me my mom and kaitlin being together. when something i had seen 500 times felt like the first expedition into an unknown land. i miss adventure... and i miss the sun. i guess it is like they say, one realizes their love for something when the void is in action. when something is gone.. you realize how significant it was to your life. i dont mean to be this way. i really dont. im sorry. and it is when i become the worst attributes of ppl that i am able to banish them. so at one time or another i am what i hate. i feel what i so long for.. i cast away what makes me happy. in this darkness i sit and bubble over.. and only the sun can warm these chilled bones, these brittle bones. Only the sun, only time will tell...

xX.Inspiration.Xx

:: 2004 22 March :: 9.49 pm

time and time again i give myself to you
plunging into you, like a picture that i drew
i dont know just where to go
i just send the love below
and the pain i sit waiting to be caught
but love is like breathing, never has been taught
emotions deep for you, that were always felt
and when you look at me with ice blue eyes, my heart is sure to melt
your kisses bring sweet mistery
your hidden deep in mystery
intimate sensations overthrow my world
a new light of devotion, suddenly unfurled
i guess they were never true nor' right
fore' when i held you close last night
these feelings all came back to me
with one kiss one touch from thee
im under sheets of silk and sweat
since the first day that we met
love beat through lacy shorts
through drug abuse and trips to court
acid love pours into me
broken condoms broken plees
veil my life and leave the lies
these tears are only allibies
that blood runs through these broken veins
your body holds me together, im not insane
nights spent up wondering what to do
i guess my drug it must be you
tell me lies and kiss my lips
pulsing pressure on my hips
into me you sink yourself
i am oppulent just not in wealth
and pink roses shower me with kisses
if it isnt love please tell me what this is
sprinkles of happiness, liek fairy dust
whether this be love or lust
i feind and plead for you to see
just give me a chance just look at me
no matter what intoxicates our hearts
ill still dream about you while were appart
sex it plays such tricks with our minds
leaving all weve left behind
emotional attatchment draws near
it is just that, that i do fear
in love and lust we play this game of truth or dare
and over time ive learned this love, is never fair

xX.Inspiration.Xx

:: 2004 22 March :: 9.05 pm

Consider the forces which might influence a person's behavior and choices. What influences have played a role in the play so far? How has Romeo responded to the presence or absence of these forces? What can you say about his character based on his behavior?

Well being the stubborn person I am, I have taught myself self control and learned to pave the way for myself. Life has thrown temptations and barracades in my way, but I have a strong head on my shoulders which rarely fails me. In everday life we face people who cause us to be one way, and others another. Constantly juggling us back and forth, from likes, and dislikes. Love playing a big part in our society everyone wanders around searching for love. At 14 and 15 feeling left out when we don't know what love is. Well I believe that personally I have never experienced love, but whose to say for others, my definition surely varies from my peers. Basing a boyfriend or girlfriend upon love at this age is most likely just a hoax. With such immature logic, and undeveloped philosophies love consists merely of puppy dog emotions, lathered with infatuation. Love based upon vision and what is being scene, rather than felt.

Romeo believed that he truly love Rosaline, that he would never be free from her spell. He was infatuated by her, almost intoxicated by her beauty. Under the influence believing that nothing lived finer than she. When the reality is that he was blinded by this drug, this beauty. We are able to see that this so called love was not pure by how quickly he gets over her after the sight of Juliet. This makes me wonder if his intentions were pure. Does he see in her what he did in Rosaline as well? But with Juliet, he is sober, his eyesight is not blurry and loves for her soul. Love can make a person do crazy things. With this as one of the main themes in the play, it shows us that love is about taking risks, and being willing to lose everything you had earned for 5 minutes of happiness. That bliss felt when in the presence of eachother, like two parts of a song coming together, void when played alone, but when together forming a harmony like no other. When each instrument can finish the others song, love feeds off of this song, and grows with each note added, each day passing. Love is something to earned over time, not to be won in an instant.

I believe that Romeo is led by his heart. With the night as his veil, his insecurities are hidden and only his true self shows. Locked up in his room all day blocking out the day it shows us that he doesn't like to face reality, avoiding the light. Romeo and Juliet also show us that, "a life without love, is no life worth living."

xX.Inspiration.Xx

:: 2004 20 March :: 12.21 pm

when i tell you how i feel
you pretend that you care
and it hurts me to know
that love was never there

tainted lies,
you fed to me
ive bled for thee
and ill take you to ecstacy

babe you couldve had it all
wouldve been there
to catch if you ever fall
you gave me up
and lost your chance
but im still here
in need of your romance

i love you baby,
my love for you drives me crazy
kisses melt into everything i am
hold me closer, will you be my man

never kiss me
when you dont mean what u say
words can hurt me
you dont want to keep it that way

pain it kills me
in my sleep
i dream about you
and my heart you keep

so tell me tales...
feed me lies
im sick you
and all your allibies

my greatest sympathy
for teh pain that you feel
but how i can i feel for you
when these scars you left arent healed

amends will soon enough be made
sit me down and speak to me my love wont be contained

burning empathy my heart feels about to burst
quit speaking those lies, you can tell they sound rehersed

things shouldnt be that way baby
u should have to practice what you say

cuz my love burns stronger than a flame
and i know that every minute is completely worth the pain

------------------------------------

who teh hell are you?
i dont think i know you
what the hell are you doing here?
im lost in teh darkness
forgetting where i came from
the path isnt so clear from here

i dont know who u are
or where your lies have come from
i guess i knew you more before

history repeats itself
history lays dusty on the shelf
your gone now, but i guess i
knew you wll before
but now history remains nothing but memories

------------------------------------

sentimental loveing
hidden in my kiss
loving in denial, can i find this bliss
everytime i search around i see your face
everytime i looka round nothing but a trace

of my memories
of my memories
nothing but memories
lost in memories

concentrate my loving
in a world of lies
hidden in my reputaton
and allibies

am i in the past
on this kiss?
cant forget teh meaning
how it felt liek this

everytime i search around i see your face
everytime i looka round nothing but a trace

of my memories
of my memories
nothing but memories
lost in memories

gotta move on from the way things were
take a step up
gotta lose my journey
gotta wipe the tears
dry my eyes
and wash away the lies

everytime i search around i see your face
everytime i look around nothing but a trace

of my memories
of my memories
nothing but memories
lost in memories

-------------------------------------

baby, i truly thought
that i was feeling love
baby, you told me
that i could trust in you

btu when you say things taht you dont mean
it makes me question if your love is ture
and ill hold you but only in the dark
when no one can see

because our love rises with the sun
and sets with the moon
climbs upon backs of angels
is it me your true to

baby i feel that youy dont know
what its truly liek to love
because if you did
then you wouldnt hurt me
i put no one above..

the fact that you are mine
the pact between
your blood and mine
and i will love you right or wrong

baby i know that
the night is young
and we have our fun

but when the sun goes down
and theres no one around
i want it to be you and only me
giving all our love

because our love rises with the sun
and sets with the moon
climbs upon backs of angels
is it me your true to

baby i feel that youy dont know
what its truly liek to love
because if you did
then you wouldnt hurt me
i put no one above..

the fact that you are mine
the pact between
your blood and mine
and i will love you right or wrong

------------------------------------------

im just sitting here waiting by teh fone
just wishing for you to come back home
i miss you
i miss you

just trying to get over the fact
that you could just walk away liek that'
and leave me all alone

because ive found
a reason for me
to change who i used to be
i miss you and i wish youd come back home

you said youd always love me
never leave me on my own
but when it comes down to it
you need to take the things you do on your own

and my heart will beat for you tonight
just hoped ud kiss me hold me oh so tight
cuz i know a different way to go

baby love me... baby hold tonight
baby kiss me... baby this wrong is never right...

xX.Inspiration.Xx

:: 2004 18 March :: 12.56 am

read me
if only you understood me, im not as i let on..the pages of my book written over in lemon juice... only revealed when held up to the light... but no one usually goes the extra distance to read my print... only within my bindings whats blankly scripted on the page.. the nothingness of my rambles... when that is not what my true face is...but a strive to be perfect.. and deep between sheets of white paper... i truly am...waiting to be read cover to cover

just dust me off and everything will be alright...or store me away for a day when you have more time...maybe sometime in the spring hidden in the forest u can read me.. and take in all i have to offer but until then ill wait squished tightly against other novels other lives...ill just wait for someone to understand.. someone to actually care what my pages honestly have to say... becuz my pain says so much without speaking

i guess ill stop now.. your silence says it all

xX.Inspiration.Xx

:: 2004 15 March :: 12.03 am

Click to hear my music.. i dont have any right now... but i will

xX.Inspiration.Xx

:: 2004 11 March :: 9.15 pm

your body speaks to me
like its poetry
swiftly rolling off my tounge
and into everything ive done

everyones looking this way
watching us dance
it may not be love
but it sure as hell beats romance

take me away
and rip my seems
unziping my fly
slip out of these jeans

(chorus twice)
speak teh words your body speaks
kiss away these fears im fine
speak teh words my heart speaks
dry these tears and youll be mine

(bridgey thingy)
do what you came here for
do what you came here for
am i waht you came here for
kiss, well beome much more
bodys touching me
lips are rubbing me
am i what you came here for
hypnotizing, mezmorizing oh what for

oh your caressing my body
on the dance floor
touching me so sweetly
kiss me once more

dance with me my hunny
tear my heart
sweat is dripping from me
tearing me appart

peach skin is burning
with the heat
feelinf my loving
in the rythem of my feet

(chorus twice)

(bridgey thingy)

can you feel the movement on me
in my skin
touch my soul and my body
baby deep within

come with me dont fear
its fine
kissing my body
say your mine

(chorus... bridgey thingy and all that fun stuff at the end)


i love you kimmy!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

im so excited shit! bah

xX.Inspiration.Xx

:: 2004 9 March :: 9.10 pm

wat a corrupt world.. when one becomes wat one hates.

take a look into these blank eyes tell me what it is you see, take a look into my brown eyes they tell alot about me. but you wouldnt notice me... if i didnt have my brown flowing hair, if i didnt wear contacts if i didnt care, and if i closed my eyes when you looked at me, would you pass me by am i something to see am i worth your time, am i worth your patience worth your love am i on your conscience am i worth everything that you are, all that i want to be

bahhhhhhhhhhh

writing night :)

xX.Inspiration.Xx

:: 2004 7 March :: 2.43 pm

my song!

peach skin dripping
you are the one
im still amazed at
all that youve done

kissing my neck boy
make me so hot
get up and leave me
im hoping not

(chorus)
i still want you but youd leave me
when the sun is rising
kiss me sweetly every part of me
your the one im loving

(break)

my palms are sweating
and the rooms filled with smoke
is this love boy
or just a hoax

time is passing
quickly by
up and down were moving
set in time

(chorus)
i still want u but youd leave me
when the sun is rising
kiss me sweetly every part of me
your the one im loving

soft pink lips
slowly touching my skin
heres all of me, for you
stay within

bodies trembling
whisper but i cant hear
this smoke around me
makes things unclear

(bridge)
touch me take me love me hold me kiss me keep me save me help me love me feel me breath me hold me take me touch me hold me love me

(chorus)
i still want you but youd leave me
when the sun is rising
kiss me sweetly every part of me
your the one im loving
(repeat to end)

xX.Inspiration.Xx

:: 2004 6 March :: 4.25 pm
:: Mood: weird
:: Music: dreaming - selena

1 Xx.Will.Be.My.xX | xX.Inspiration.Xx