:: 2003 11 December :: 12.13 pm
:: Mood: tired
:: Music: the silence of the room

2 Xx.Will.Be.My.xXxX | xX.Inspiration.Xx

:: 2003 10 December :: 3.33 pm

i have a fucking sinus headache

this week has been very shitty

but hey i <33 the ppl who make me happy :-*

b e a u ty hiDes: i love u

T e G G e R h: i love you

CocoPuff0210: I LOVE U SOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO MUCH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
CocoPuff0210: I LOVE U MORE THEN ANYONE!!!!!!!!!!

Vanished 1 2 2 0: do u love me
krazykelc1: yes i do
Vanished 1 2 2 0: how much
krazykelc1: very much
krazykelc1: more than any of my other friends because we've been friends the longest:-)

EmmyD89: hmm how do i put it into words...my love for you is unexplainable...i just love you so damn much

wellll i put those there.. so when im upset i can just look and see who loves me :-) lol if you doo... and ur not in there leave me a comment ;-)

well im gonna go take a nap cuz i have a sinus headache and i need to rest up cuz im getting my x-mass tree tonite and going shopping with my daddy :-p

call and make me feel better 6513618

- Manda

xX.Inspiration.Xx

:: 2003 9 December :: 7.33 pm

madly deppressed

shit sucks..yeah

i confide in you
abide in you and tell you all my lies
secrets held in vaults away
hidden alibies

but i just thought nohting of
the way you held my hand
you went out of your way to make me smile
and tried to understand

was it all a trick?
did you really never care
cuz ill keep living my life
wishing you were there

this pained emotion
surges through my veins
slice them open and watch me bleed
im just alive im not insane

salted oblivion
lost in all of the darkness
i sit by the window
the tortured enchantress

but all you can tell me is
your sorry i shed tears
if you really cared
youd hold me, whipe away my salty fears

carresing my cheek
like some deppressing game
undying black love
and truthfull lack of fame

naricacistic empathy,
and my pathetic youth
each black lie you have told me
revealing some amount of truth

containment of heartache
causing me to cave into sin
living in my corner
never showing you the way in

i cant take this sorrow
which burns in my veins
they say i wont do it
that i just complain

but when you toy with these emotions
and drive me insane
i get the urge to take the plunge
to bring about pain

this self defense
only backfires now
bringing blood to this knife
bringing tears to this vow

undress me and see me
for all that i am
step up here and love me
dont cry, be a man

untamed and wild
s'what you tell me you are
why do you find glory
in every scar?

take away your mirror
your in love with your reflection
stop smoting her
you wont find perfection

you think i cant handle
this life at this pace
soon ill be gone
wont leave any trace

burn my fears
the embers flying in my face
emotions you have stolen
years wont ever replace



did you knwo you used to be my hero...

xX.Inspiration.Xx

:: 2003 8 December :: 9.00 pm

Wow! You're Candice!
All the guys go ga-ga for you. You're very kind and
sweet to everyone you meet. You're subpar at
playing an instrument compared to the others,
but ability isn't everything right?


What kind of band geek are you?
brought to you by Quizilla


horray im candice!! wow thats kinda scarey...

lol well this morning i got up at 7:30 and got ready to go to lizzys bright and early then i went sledding at walnut hill with liz, candi and kelsey.. then we went to mcdonalds then back to liz's and watched movies hahah oh yes it was exilerating i have been out of my house for over 12 hours

im gonna go daddys yelling...

- manda

xX.Inspiration.Xx

:: 2003 7 December :: 7.45 pm

inspired
take away the raindrops
replace them with the cold
memories lay naked
each a story they withhold

as the weather slowly changes
falling to winters grasp
letting go of each december
that now is soon to pass

rlease me into temptation
where i may wander free
dont tell me that you love me
when i beg here on my knees

the beauty floating in the air
begins to cause me weakness
and terrifying happiness
brings laughter to their faces

i stand here speachless
as they dance before my eyes
each white spec a mystic wonder
a magical surprise

but hidden beneath this veil of safetly
lies a hidden scheme
the death of all thats perfect
the birth of all unseen

a desolate persona
takes away this mind of ease
rolling off the mountains corners
falling blankly into me

i remain here standing upright
untainted by the pain
consequences in the open
dripping from my veins

the beauty overwhelms me
as i fall within
drawing out the pain and warriness
of which has grown within

melting down to one conclusion
a speechless melody
heard drowning through the innocence
this forgotten felony

the stealth of which you act on
when you burrow within my skin
the peach tinted oblivion
this tortured soul within

frozen to this curiousity
and this hidden home
i cant tell where im going,
am i all alone?

the snow is blinding me
from everythings thats real
this illusion makes me numb
i cannot see or feel

unfaithful song of angels
which taunts me in each way
give me a new sacrifice
give me life today

----------------------------------------------------------------

blank frozen kisses
fall upon my numb white cheek
no life now flows within them
they have fallen weak

but your mahogandy shadow
hovers over me
creating a blanket of emotions
covered with pale memories

the sum of fears
with a rude stare is cast
the foreshadow of hopelessness
of each christmas past

but no spirit is charged
with energy of love
no angels are hovering
at great heights above

just me and my heart
broken and abused
laying out in the open
left flaccid and unused

tossed to teh side
way out of reach
i wont listen to you
i dont need to hear you preach

take your saphire kisses
and continue on your way
i dont need you anymore
i didnt need you yesterday

you continue to hold me
taking my hand to cause me pain
your melodromatic persona
is slowing driving me insane

cant you see im delicate?
im much more than a toy
i dont come with cream filling
nor raspberries for ploy

im blankly here in front of you
vulnerable in every way
disfunction fills my senses
sincerity i obtain

these pale moonlights
drive me to my fate
screeching out my tires
i have no working brakes

i cannot hold my head
above teh water any longer
i thought i would get better
i thought i would grow stronger

but all this dramatic heartache
ends with a gust of wind
these ice crystals fall upon me
and a new era will begin

xX.Inspiration.Xx

:: 2003 7 December :: 7.20 pm
:: Mood: apathetic
:: Music: my crazy dad screaming at the football game

xX.Inspiration.Xx

:: 2003 5 December :: 4.18 pm

alright

meg u dont have to say anything in my journal, its simple, you dont like me then dont talk to me or write in my journal

ewww! your so gross...so i guess u cant do any better then a 12 year old now..haha i cant even look at you anymore cuz ill just break down laughing..you fucking skank..my fucking sister went out with him..thats gross..AHHHH lol ur so disgusting i hope you get herpies or some shyt for being such a fuckign whore..everyone is making fun of you and im just laughing with them cuz thats just nasty..

thanks oh so much

well. its not like im stupid, every entry that you do leaves an IP code... hummm and yours is 207.172.138.192 very smart huh

at least write your name so that i can give you credit for your stupidity

no its not that "i cant do better" but i shouldnt need to defend myself, what happens to me is my life, and my decisions you have no right or need to comment on them

u dont see me commenting upon how ur fucking red hair looks gross and you ate shrooms like some punk rock wanna be weirdo, i stay out of your life.. so stay the fuck out of mine, i am perfectly fine not having anything to do with you so please dont bother me with your annoying little comments which have no impact on me

i do not care to hear them nor do they bother me, i dont care what you or any1 else has to say about me, either you like me or u dont..

if you dont then thats your loss..

thanks again

1 Xx.Will.Be.My.xX | xX.Inspiration.Xx

:: 2003 1 December :: 10.10 pm

i <33 katie grace

qteekate88: he fucking ruined my life
Vanished 1 2 2 0: katie
qteekate88: but i still love him
qteekate88: why
Vanished 1 2 2 0: becuz u cant evacuate your heart just like that
Vanished 1 2 2 0: u opened yourself up to him and gave him a peice of your heart
Vanished 1 2 2 0: so hes still holding on
Vanished 1 2 2 0: and you trusted him, and made yourself vulnerable
Vanished 1 2 2 0: thats what being in love is about
qteekate88: :-\ well i hate it!
qteekate88: im never gunna love again im gunna stay in a lttle dich for the rest of my life
Vanished 1 2 2 0: "failing isnt the worst thing, its the lack of faith to get back up and try again"
qteekate88: :-\
Vanished 1 2 2 0: katie
Vanished 1 2 2 0: you cant do that to yourself
Vanished 1 2 2 0: you are an amazing girl, and losinf ambitions and hope in love will kill you
Vanished 1 2 2 0: you cant isolate yourself like that
qteekate88: but i want to
qteekate88: i dont care about the world anymore
Vanished 1 2 2 0: love hurts you only to make you stronger for the future
qteekate88: i dont have a future
Vanished 1 2 2 0: yes katie you do
Vanished 1 2 2 0: dont you dare lose sight oif your ambitions.. look at what happened to me
qteekate88: of what geting hurt again and having the same feeling all over again
Vanished 1 2 2 0: katie love, love is the risk of getting hurt, its opening yourself up to some1 allowing them to have ful lrange of you.. giving them your heart and trusting that they wont brak it into peices... its dealing with all the pain for that one short lived time of happiness, and purity and the feeling that you are needed by some1
qteekate88: :-\
Vanished 1 2 2 0: and without letting yourself be loved you will never live
qteekate88: yea i guess so
Vanished 1 2 2 0: the earth was created with humans interacting
qteekate88: i dont like it
qteekate88: i think im just gunna go fricken lez!
Vanished 1 2 2 0: for the reason of us being dwellers.. who mate and take a partner
Vanished 1 2 2 0: without this... the world would have not come to what it was
Vanished 1 2 2 0: may that be a good or bad thing
Vanished 1 2 2 0: people need other people in order to survive, its proven youll go crazy with out people to talk to..
qteekate88: :-\yea
Vanished 1 2 2 0: so katie.. the point is that you cant shut yourself away rom everything ebcuz of one hurt
qteekate88: i know but its wat i want to do
Vanished 1 2 2 0: thru my eyes... my motto is.. that its ok to cry, but everything we deal with in our younger years, allows us to heighten our strength for future baracades to come
qteekate88: yea...
qteekate88: and theres plenty of ppl out there who have it worse then me i guess... like ppl that have never gotten the chance to love and be loved
Vanished 1 2 2 0: when i think about my life.. and i cry becuz of how fucked up it is, i just think about how horrible other peopl have it... and it doesnt seem too bad anymore
Vanished 1 2 2 0: and in relationships.. i think about how great it was, and how thankful i am that i was able to experience it.. some never are able to..
Vanished 1 2 2 0: and you have at such a young age
qteekate88: yea
Vanished 1 2 2 0: katie, just dont close yourself off, you are an amazing girl and you deserve to be loved to your fullest potential

xX.Inspiration.Xx

:: 2003 30 November :: 12.40 am

poetry as always


love, to be loved by you
held by you, to hear the truth
felony, you have commited, youve stolen my heart
wisked away on the shoulders of love, goodbye i must depart
my body pains to be next to yours
to feel you in me again once more
i lay underneath you, you control me
hold me, show me, know me, complete
the purity of innocence washed away
preservation lost on a monday
in distance, i even feel close to your smooth skin
the warmth of you, invited in
deep within the core of me
this sweat running down my cheeks mixes with salty tears
this haze around me begins to clear
misunderstood stories, several untold lies...
break the mold, burn the ties
the salty oblivion begins to unfurl me, release me..let go
im coming down, off this addicted drug, i now know
more captivating than opium or ecstacy
this not so long forgotten fantasy
evacuate my senses, slip into a lie
tell me that you never want to hear me say goodbye
you break me, make me, take me, lately your all thats on my mind
this utopia created, must never press rewind
love, to be loved by you
held by you, to hear the truth
felony, you have commited, youve stolen my heart
wisked away on the shoulders of love, goodbye i must depart

------------------------------------------------------

using drugs to drown my sorrow
empty vessels left quite hollow
a warried victim heightened with strife
too much pressure.. she took her life
trying to find a detour to the pain
these swirly colors just entertain
numb the senses, but still i feel
these wounds pour blood down, i open once healed.
uncontrollable urges, desires
smoke up again, get higher and higher
unintentional overdose
just a couple beers a couple smokes..
not suspecting anything sitting in her room
the pain overwhelms her, shes consumed
this girl is me, laying naked and used
which means of escape shall i choose?
with a slcie of a razor, slit these pale cold wrists
pull the knife out, after a couple twists
shall i hang myself from the ceiling, release the pain?
just a few more pills, im not insane
a couple more shots of herroine give me a kiss goodbye
dont do that, stop shut those sad eyes
cant deal with life cant deal with you
years of pain, stupid therapy cant undue
dont say my name, dont expose the truth
these wasted years, this tortured youth
nothing i can do, nothing you can say now its over and its done
ive failed at life ive failed for you, i am not the one
turn the water on at a fair luke warm
climb in, with razors, this body deserves the harm
what has it done for me? its ugly
hold a pillow over my face, smother me
make me feel again, feel my every breath again
nevermind everyone, theres only me in death
as the red ink drips down from my arms expressing the pain i feel
the letter could never show the amount of torture this abused body conceals
the dizziness encompasses me... im eagar to explain
dont cry when you see me, just know now im free from pain
the lack of blood is overtaking me
eye sights blurring, i am struggeling to breath
the sting of death errupts my thoughts
muscles stop moving, untie these knots
when up at the alter reciting for me
dont make up lies, just let them see
this is me lying naked in the tub of pale water so red
not some dummie i now i will soon have no thought flushing through my head
so kiss these pseudo smiles goodbye..
and thanks, your teh reason i cry these red tears your the reason ive wanted to die...

xX.Inspiration.Xx

:: 2003 28 November :: 10.35 am

ok,

i may have written that in the wrong way that i was thinking, you never were the outcast, but mom always made it liek that.. liek i coudlnt have fun becuz u didnt want to, not that u didnt fit in but becuz u didnt want to be with thema nd i can see why. but with teh way that i am feeling right now, so vunerable and lonely and empty its good to have somethign there for me, and no i am not disgusting and fake liek you say kaitlin btu u know even if they are fake, i need it right now i really do becuz nothing else is there for me... your not, u act liek you are but u dont understand how im feeling and u constantly look down on me liek im some immature freak or something, liek i dont understand you at all, and i do more than you understand you just dopnt want any1 to figure you out becuz u like living secluded from everything else, you like it. and thats why you wont change, becuz deep down you dont want to becuz everything around you is revolting isnt it.. everything becuz u only look at teh falws in people and see them as bad.. take into account that there are imperfections in all of us, and there is always room for improvement

so do not lable me as anything, i am me not what any1 else thinks, u wouldnt understand how i am feeling right now becuz you were not able to experience i felt last night... when people actually acted liek they cared about me, i havent had that in a long time and i really needed it so whether it be pseudo like you said i really dont care becuz its making me happy, and i need to be happy.

and no you were never the "revolted individual" you just didnt liek them and didnt want to be there so it was assumed that they didnt leik you right? but mom was always pointing out flaws to make it like they were some horrible ppl. i know that they are not amazing but hey they are all i have

so give me a break kaitlin, and no i dont fit right in, i hate jamie.. i could never say that i liek her.. and toby is an odd one but i talked to janelle and she has really changed seeing as how shes 21 now, and i think that if you talked to her too you would fuind similarities, if you ever want to open up to people

the key to being loved is risking getting hurt..but if you keep hiding away preserving yourself.. you dont let anybody in...

xX.Inspiration.Xx

:: 2003 27 November :: 11.25 pm
:: Mood: ecstatic
:: Music: globes and maps - something corporate

1 Xx.Will.Be.My.xX | xX.Inspiration.Xx

:: 2003 26 November :: 4.23 pm

haha :-p

well im about to go meet up with cozzu n tommy with liz n kelsey ttyl :-*

-manda

xX.Inspiration.Xx

:: 2003 25 November :: 2.52 pm
:: Mood: sick
:: Music: suicidal dreams - silverchair

ahh sexy sexy sexy

My life is rated NC-17.
What is your life rated?

hehe

well i went to the football game friday

brian didnt show up :( but i met jorge and kyle and met up with danny boy again :-)

well it was very cold and we staye dthere till about 10:30 lol and lizzys mom picked us up and brought us back to my house :-)

and then saturday me emmy kels and lizzy went down town and ate food haha and then me n liz hung out with rob, jim, matt n cozzy for a while then back up with em n kels n then home we went. i had to get a good nights sleep cuz i went to the Jay Z concert the nest day!! sunday was the shit!!!! and the concert was sooo awesome. i went with cozzy :-)

then got to school late.. and then after school went babysittign with holly n liz.. then home..

and today i stayed home sick, cuz i threw up and i have a bad cold and my eye is swollen, my dad thinks i had an allergic reaction to xsomething.. ah!

well im gonna go.. love you bunches


You're "The Blue Channel", you're not
sure of anything, but you know everything. You
don't want something, but you do. Make up your
mind!


Which taking back sunday song are you?
brought to you by Quizilla

1 Xx.Will.Be.My.xX | xX.Inspiration.Xx

:: 2003 20 November :: 9.40 pm

A HIGH SIMILAR OR COMPLEMENTARY SCORE MEANS GOOD FRIENDSHIP POTENTIAL. A HIGH COMPLEMENTARY RATING IS THE ONE TO FOCUS ON FOR RELATIONSHIP POTENTIAL.

SimilarMinds.com Compatibility Test

Your match with Brian Holt you are 64% similar you are 72% complementary

How Compatible are You with me?

xX.Inspiration.Xx

:: 2003 18 November :: 9.43 pm

Disorder Info

Eccentric Personality Disorders: Paranoid, Schizoid, Schizotypal



Individuals with these disorders often appear odd or peculiar.

Paranoid Personality Disorder - individual generally tends to interpret the actions of others as threatening.

Schizoid Personality Disorder - individual generally detached from social relationships, and shows a narrow range of emotional expression in various social settings.


Schizotypal Personality Disorder - individual is uncomfortable in close relationships, has thought or perceptual distortions, and peculiarities of behavior.



Dramatic Personality Disorders: Antisocial, Borderline, Histrionic, and Narcissistic



Individuals with these disorders have intense, unstable emotions, distorted self-perception, and/or behavioral impulsiveness.

Antisocial Personality Disorder - individual shows a pervasive disregard for, and violation of, the rights of others.

Borderline Personality Disorder - individual shows a generalized pattern of instability in interpersonal relationships, self-image, and observable emotions, and significant impulsiveness.

Histrionic Personality Disorder - individual often displays excessive emotionality and attention seeking in various contexts. They tend to overreact to other people, and are often perceived as shallow and self-centered.

Narcissistic Personality Disorder - individual has a grandiose view of themselves, a need for admiration, and a lack of empathy that begins by early adulthood and is present in various situations. These individuals are very demanding in their relationships.


Anxious Personality Disorders: Avoidant, Dependent, Obsessive-Compulsive



Individuals with these disorders often appear anxious or fearful.

Avoidant Personality Disorder - individual is socially inhibited, feels inadequate, and is oversensitive to criticism

Dependent Personality Disorder - individual shows an extreme need to be taken care of that leads to fears of separation, and passive and clinging behavior.

Obsessive-Compulsive Personality Disorder - individual is preoccupied with orderliness, perfectionism, and control at the expense of flexibility, openness, and efficiency.


To place your results on your own site use the following code:

Personality Disorder Test Results Paranoid |||||||||||||||||| 74% Schizoid |||| 18% Schizotypal |||||||||||||||| 62% Antisocial |||||||||||||||| 70% Borderline |||||||||||| 46% Histrionic |||||||||||||||||||| 86% Narcissistic |||||||||||||||||| 78% Avoidant |||||||||||||||| 62% Dependent |||||||||||| 46% Obsessive-Compulsive |||||| 22%

Take Free Personality Disorder Test

xX.Inspiration.Xx

:: 2003 16 November :: 9.08 pm

more poems and more poems and more
thjis is getting kind of scarey i cant stop writing!!!

silent motion
insolent notion
tainted emotion
jaded exploition
all that falls behind
is everythign we need
from this dulled knife
is not from what we bleed
reach out your hand and slice me
cut me
releasing these emotions untrue to reality
tatter me
undressing me
unveiling me
this is me
what you see
silent motion
insolent notion
tainted emotion
jaded exploition

-------------------------------------------------------

the drone of your voice
it drives me wild
i sit here in your presence
hoping you will feel me
hoping you will need me
as we dance you hold my hips
and our pink lips they kiss
uninhabbited dreams
virgin souls
inpenitrable
intolerable
so new
as i am withered
and warried
inhabbited and tolerable
this pain resolutes beneath this veil
beneath the shadows of the unknown
or the unwanted...
the kiss of darkness
the touch of pain
the lick of death
and the spin of the insane...

-------------------------------------------------------------

the shot is heard
louder when all is silent
softer when all is loud
ringing though the endless crowd
chipper peopel all around
not knowing what it is that they are fearing
yet still fearing it all in itself
uncontrollable
it rages through.. plagueing at me
until i fall...
the shot is heard....
i fall

xX.Inspiration.Xx

:: 2003 16 November :: 6.05 pm
:: Music: odd music

1 Xx.Will.Be.My.xX | xX.Inspiration.Xx

:: 2003 15 November :: 4.20 pm
:: Mood: anxious
:: Music: What am i gonna do - tyrese

1 Xx.Will.Be.My.xX | xX.Inspiration.Xx

:: 2003 13 November :: 9.59 pm

meeeee

Advanced Big Five Personality Test Results

Sociability	||||||||||||||||	70%
Gregariousness	||||||||||||||||||	74%
Assertiveness	||||||||||||||||||	74%
Activity Level	||||||||||||||	54%
Excitement-Seeking	||||||||||||||||||	78%
Cheerfulness	||||||||||||||||	70%
Extroversion	||||||||||||||||	70%
Trust	||||||||||||	46%
Morality	||||||||||||	50%
Altruism	||||||||||||||||	70%
Cooperation	||||||||||||||	58%
Modesty	||||||||||||	42%
Sympathy	||||||||||||||||	66%
Friendliness	||||||||||||||	55%
Self-Efficacy	||||||||||||||||	66%
Neatness	||||||	26%
Dutifulness	||||||||||||	50%
Achievement	||||||||||||	42%
Self-Discipline	||||||||||||	46%
Cautiousness	||||||||||||||||	66%
Orderliness	||||||||||||	49%
Anxiety	||||||||||||	42%
Anger	||||||||||||||	58%
Depression	||||||||||	34%
Self-Consciousness	||||||||||||	42%
Immoderation	||||||||||||||||	70%
Vulnerability	||||||||||	38%
Emotional Stability	||||||||||||||	53%
Imagination	||||||||||||||||||||	86%
Artistic Interests	||||||||||||||||||||	90%
Emotionality	||||||||||||||||||	78%
Adventurousness	||||||||||||||||	66%
Intellect	||||||||||||||||	70%
Liberalism	||||||||||||||||	62%
Intellectualness	||||||||||||||||||	75%

Take Free Advanced Big 5 Personality Test

xX.Inspiration.Xx

:: 2003 12 November :: 10.38 pm

Sinking

these manifested tears
fall blankly down these pale white cheeks...
streams of salty droplets
stop the storm, that keeps raging on
endless gray skies
crackling lightning
exposure to the sunlight heals my wounds
but no sun in sight
clounds for days
rivers running rapidly
overflowing watery fireworks
explosions
whirlpools
pulling me under
i try and keep my head above the water
but i am taken
sinking
deeper and deeper until i cant see the sky anymore
only echos of people are heard
and all is tranquil and call is calm
no one is in a hurry and everyone is always happy
down deeper...
the clear cool water fills my lungs
and i close my eyes
these manifested tears
fall blankly down these pale white cheeks...
goodnight

enjoy??
yeah so tyhats how im feeling.

lots n lots of shit....

tears..holly..brian...liz...everything! ah! so much drama!

write back later

xX.Inspiration.Xx