talk about yin-yangs...
I went to see the infamous Bill Harley tonight.... yes, yes, a kid at heart I am. (whoa, yoda effects coming and going, they are!!) Yes, me and the girls went to see a concert of him tonight.... hehahaha... fun times...
hmmm..... So the problem side of the story.... that doesn't have anything to do with Billy boy, but certainly brings me down a bit, is about Schylar....
Yes, we have it all worked out... but I told her I had/have love for her... Michelle believes that it's definitely there, that we should go out, but I don't know... I'm not sure that Schylar really wants to be mine.... but that's not the problem... I love her and I don't.... It's the whole fecking persona thing... I have a rep that sucks to have (always have to be mr. perfect).... It's not so much the kids at school I'm worried about, but the adults... Teachers have never seen me as a dark person... I just don't expose myself in that way to many people. I can only think Mrs. Nelson wouldn't think it too strange, because I've turned in a lot of deep essays to her.... And then, the teachers must talk to the parents... "Is everything alright?" And the parents must talk to me.... There're a lot of things I've kept secret from my parents because they're personal feelings, things that I don't want people to know. It's a naiive way of life, but it just feels better to hide what I think. This past summer I went through my serious change to accept that I'm two entities in the same body, but I don't want people to be trying to find things out. I guess I just got good at making barriers, cause nobody's really suspicious of anything that I do. And so, of course, being in love with Schylar is just another thing that makes me torn. I want to make her feel better, I want to see us both happy, but I just can't. This second entity that keeps me as a great student, great kid, "what every parent hopes for" is a huge set back. If I do anything, I'm going to have to explain far too much from what I'd wish to. Then there's all the psych help that I'll have to go through that I don't fecking need, just like no one else needs it in these situations. And the third problem is love. I've had a LOT of girlfriends. Seriously, I started going out with girls in kindergarten. My first "kiss" was with roxanne in fifth grade (yes, just pecks on the cheek and such), and I don't know if I felt anything or not. With stacey (my last g/f) I would go through long periods of not seeing her, not caring if she was there or not. But then we'd have a few days together, and I'd just want to stay with her, hold her, keep her with me. But I still don't know what love is. So for the past year, I've been cursing love for making me do such stupid things.

Split in the middle.
Whole on the outside.
Whatever ties me together
Should let me loose now.
I can't afford another minute,
Can't afford another chance
To pass up my feelings.
I can't stand here,
Not with feelings of love,
Hate, fear, comedy, indifference.
So many opinions, so many bodies.
I am here to be broken again.

yay!
Oh, everything seems to be working out. Schylar and I are happy... I think.... again, and yay! I guess things just fit in to place for once.... yes, well bye!

split ends suck
NO... I'm not talking about hair, I'm talking about finishing the rope. hrrrmmm. So this is how it stands.... I get to decide some more, cause I'm just Mr. Decision Man!!..... Either I say I want to talk and Schylar will *supposedly* start talking..... OR, I say that for sure this is all up to her now.... OK, so this is what I make of it.... I pulled out of the argument because I was tearing myself apart. However, by doing so, it showed I'm willing to lighten the *grrrness* and actually talk about what was happening that I "never did see." Schylar says she wants... or sorta wants.... to talk this over, so we can have something work.... but I told her I'm through, that I can't do any more, because I've wasted myself enough and I need to rethink who I am. Now, though, I'm feeling fine (amazing what sleep can do for you)..... and I'm willing to talk again (I haven't said anything to Schylar yet...). What I don't fully understand is that she is hinting at the idea that she's feeling better now, that she's starting to "realize things," so I don't know if I'm needed/wanted anymore.... I figure I should just step back for a while and see what happens.... When I know there's a safe spot, I'll jump back in.... Hope we actually talk to each other again, though....

Other than that, I have dirt engraved into my skin.... mud plus soccer plus sliding equals dirt man!!!!

hmmm..... got my pictures back from hawai'i... fun fun... hope Mrs. Thomas finishes the cd soon..... and of course, I keep hiding everything I feel from my parents and act like the **perfect child**. Right.... so, life goes on as usual... oh how special...

Oh yes, Bill Harley came to our town and is performing in 2 days.... We had a workshop today with him... oh joy!...... yeah, kinda fun, kinda blah, but gets me out of social studies..... *shudders violently*.... yes, well.... me leave now... bye!

don't have one....
My last call for this one. Maybe I should stick with it... Maybe I should leave her to fight it herself..... I just don't know. I left school today saying it was the right thing.... but now I just don't know if I can do it now.... hrmmm.....
So here's the song. May just help me a little on this.
(oh, and change all boy/girl words to make them fit for me... I'm a straight male ;) )

"Nobody Loves You" - Garbage

Watching the days slip by so fast,
Knowing our fate has long been cast.
Working our fingers to the bone,
'Cause nobody loves you when you're gone.

Coughing up feelings just for you
To find something real to hold onto.
But there is a hole inside my heart,
Where all of my love comes pouring out.

You know you'll always be my [wo]man,
But grab yourself sweetness where you can.
'Cause sooner or later we're gonna die.
Left to the dogs under the sky.

I cracked a piece of broken glass
I cracked a piece of broken glass.

Coughing up feelings just for you
To find something real to hold onto.
But there is a hole inside my heart,
Where waves of my love come tumbling out.
You say that all the good is gone,
That I have forgotton who I am.
Free as a bird, wild as the wind,
And somehow I cannot let you in.

I'm sorry, I'm sorry
Bleeding for you , pleading for you
Bleeding for you (insecure)
Pleading for you (so insecure)
I keep impure, you're insecure
Bleeding, worry for me.


Yes, so maybe this has nothing to do with this, or maybe it's everything. It's time for me to shut up. I mean this honestly that anything else said on the Schylar subject was certainly sent as a helper and did not come from me directly. It's over for my time. Goodbye.

such a free spirit... such a dead spirit
I'm tiring myself to a great degree. I can no longer spend all my time as a fucking mediator. My work is not appreciated. Not wanted. This world is defeating me again. Not the person I expected either. Those of you who know Schylar's journal, check out what she and I have written.... I don't want shit from anyone else, unless it's left on her journal. What I need right now is a word of encouragement. I don't think what I'm doing is working.... Is meant to be right. Maybe I need to let Schylar go... but she could seriously be saved... if that's what it should be called.... I just hope she sees which way she's digging..... It was hard to think I loved her..... It was harder to argue against it.... And it's so fucking hard to let her destroy herself now. But maybe it's even worse to think I had a part in her demise..... well fuck, shit.... there isn't a curse severe enough, intense enough to show what I feel.... just Death laughing again..... shit... I'm going to sleep... bye

grr ness
Oh, the people that hate me.
Oh, the people that I despise.
Oh, how funny it is,
The way our cycle of hatred lives within this world.
Isn't it great that our friends have knives?
Isn't it great that our enemies have allies?
What's to happen when our world crashes down?
Where will we go when there's nothing to walk to?
How can our hate live when we must come together?
You can't have life without a little deadly play.

blah blah blah....
SO EVERYONE FINALLY KNOWS:
My msn is broke, my instant messages do not work any longer.... ok, that's it.... nothing important....
ok, good night sweethearts!!!!
mwah!

**lick lick**

more pissing!!.... maybe....
OK, I don't feel like totally isolating myself from those two, but I don't wanna talk about it much anymore.... yes, so I lost my trumpet 2 days ago, and I've got it back now! yeah, nothing to worry about, I'm special to get it back. I'm probly gonna leave again soon....
nothin to say anymore... just blahness..... goodies... for nothing... tired... doesn't matter..... I'm gonna eat some crap to eat it for eating things..... let me be...!!! I'm leaving.... I've gone psycho!

Oh, the pissing
I can't be caught between those two anymore.... first they make me think I'm wrong, then they explain, and that's exactly what I thought in the first place.... So when I bother to say something to them.... Oh grr... hmmm..... My REAL journal...(paper and pencil) seriously needs an update right now..... yes, so.... I finally got back from Hawai'i... last week.... and I was in Helena yesterday... *yawn*.... yes, well those *two* can just leave for all I care... I can't be fighting for them anymore..... moving on to *other* business.... let's count the soccer practices/games I've missed..... oy, too many... I'm getting poor playing time for my schedualing... yes, so... Nick still hasn't written his poetry... so tragic.. yes yes....
Oh, Kirsten got her *next* boyfriend in Hawai'i... and I had to break them up.. yes, she couldn't stand to say it to him, and they were only breaking up because the chaperones said to... but they won't get back together.... (Kyle, I've been told, is still a little obsessive).... yes, long, and some great, stories of Hawai'i..... let's now leave me alone, since a million things to say is not a nice thing to drain..... we'll let it out slowly, hope it comes out nice....

HEHEHA!!

you are the "I hate you so bad" happy
bunny. You hate everyone and eveything and your
not ashamed of it.


which happy bunny are you?
brought to you by Quizilla

this is what's happening...
OK, I should really be doing my homework... but how blah! I'm not wanting to to that right now... I wanna write things!!!! I have a lot of poem ideas right now, and for once it's not required for school..... yeah, it's just a creative time.... amazing how social distress sparks the mind..... !!!... 6 days till hawaii!!! oh, that's gonna be so much fun!!!.... I'm having KFC for dinner.... yeah, whatever.... well, I'm not too worried about the schylar thing anymore....
maybe I should get to work.... it might be a good thing?? yeah, well, I got to go....

There is no irony in the rose hiding best in the fire, for this is what our lives have become.

this is really grrr now...
OK, I went back to school today, but I'm still really sick.... yeah... I just wanna eat someone right now.. I still don't know what's up with schylar... maybe it's just a joke.... no, roxanne doesn't joke like that...
I've gotta play in pep band tonight for some fund raising game.... great *sarcasm*
now I just wanna sleep... SLEEP!!! hehehe!
that's my secret word of the day... shhh!!!!!
ok, I feel realy stupid now, so bye.... maybe.... yes!

WHAT'S HAPPENING?!?!
OH, I'M SO GRR RIGHT NOW. I'm sick, so I had to stay home from school, and I'm missing everything....
Schylar's being "taken" and I have no clue on what's going on.... I'm so confused!!!!... oh grrr.....