:: 2004 10 August :: 11.25 am

erm. i don't think i'm EVER getting rid of my icon. it seriously makes me smile. goddamn noah. scruffy is so damn cute.
erm. i have my senior pcitures in a hour and half. i have braces. therefore they will be horrid. i'm gonna do that whole "i'm thinking about something really smart and wonderfull" face, so whatever. well i should go attempt to look decent. see ya in a bit.

want to dance?

:: 2004 6 August :: 8.04 pm

i climbed a mountain today. i saw a waterfall. we were attacked by mini bees. we smoked with the best. and convinced ourselves of culty-brainwashing tatics. we realized that laughter is easy. and friendship grows into something much stronger. we laughed when danni fell. then we laughed at her bum. i yelled at meg (...who invited her?). we laughed so hard. we made wishes (...minus nicky, she doesn't believe in that. but it's ok, cuz she still threw in pennies.) we got lost. we bravely defended ourselves against "cougars"...i call them bobcats...we drove for 3 hours. we ate like champs. but i would not touch the hard banana.

"Beau-nana"

we unified our bodies. our bodies felt radiant, like orange lights, like Bob Marley's voice.

yea we defeated Mt. Everett.

1 bow out. | want to dance?

:: 2004 4 August :: 6.00 pm

dear self,
please don't take anything for granted. ALWAYS treasure the nights when we all laughed but remember the memories we all made are now bitter reminders of what were losing. mostly each other. never forget that bonds were made to be broken. i told myself that years ago. so i would never get hurt by other people. but their smiles and warm laughter, which dipped my reality in gold, made me forget the evils of human nature. and sometimes i wish that the most precious people didn't have to show each other that the evil still resides. i'm scared for myself. for never laughing like we did. we're getting old. time is wearing thin for us. people are gonna laugh like we did. and sit in parked cars dancing to unexplainable forces moving our body. drugs are all we really do know of love. ok well, one last ounce of advice self, disregard anything that makes you cry. just think of when we truly were infinite. remember that night, that perfect perfect night, when boys didn't matter, work, or any past shit we put aside. remeber feeling golden with the best people in the whole world and you'll never cry again.
-you.

1 bow out. | want to dance?

:: 2004 31 July :: 9.15 pm

can you say perfection. the summer's almost half over and now i have the memories i've longed for.
we have plans. we are smiling. this is the summer i dreamt.
i love my friends. my whole. my danni. i love you all.

i'm gonna go dance in my bedroom to my own happy thoughts.

1 bow out. | want to dance?

:: 2004 23 July :: 11.13 pm

can we just say obsessed.
i have seen the notebook 3 times. and i am going to see the movie again on sunday with jeffrey. i finally am getting him to go. i seriously just bawl my eyes out every time i see it. i can't help it. the book was perfect too. read it twice. cried twice. it's such a release.

"and it's still isn't over."


i want to be a hopeless romantic forever.

3 bow out. | want to dance?

:: 2004 21 July :: 1.43 pm

so yea. i think that i can't wait to grow up. i'm so sick of petty. i'm sick of this. i'm ready to not "come home."
so yea. he's leaving. far away. that whole past that i blocked away from my mind will have left no reminder. no one understands that. but i think i'm losing something too. i'm losing that scared girl. i never want to be scared again. i don't know. how can you be so happy and sad at the same time? so much lost but so much gained. i don't know.
i don't feel like me. i am someone different. i remember thinking back to when i was 12 and i would sit in my room after dinner and never leave. just sit on the floor daydreaming of smiles and miles separating me from the whole situation. to a time when painting and drawing expressed a side of me that i could not show any other way. i lost that. i have lost all my ambitions and "sparks."
i was lookinbg at all my old painting. so much color. so much emotion. long strokes. short hard shots at the canvas i control. i painted last nite. surprisingly i was satisified. ever since i saw the notebook. the whole romantic swan scene. the book describes it beter. i painted it. dark water. white birds. lush trees. no humans. perfection.
do i sound drab? i'm not trying to at all. i'm trying for, well or maybe. i'm just trying to sort through all the bullshit that clutters in your head.
i never want to be infinite. i take that whole thing back. who wants to be forever. changing and growing is what makes us stay on our heels. i could never change that. memories are infinite. and i don't want to be just a memory.
who the fuck knows what i want.
i like dreaming. i like writing. i like not feeling here. it's the perfect escape. you can go whereever you want and never have to worry about anything. the backspace button is always avalible. fuck. fuck.

i don't know. i don't mean to sound whiney and annoying. but i don't want this anymore. i want so much more. but i can't have it or find it. i need so feel the energy in my blood again. i neeeeeeeed excitement. i need to not live off memories.





fuck.

want to dance?

:: 2004 12 July :: 11.09 am

thank you for making me realize that this summer is infinite. i love you.
thanks for always knowing that we can always make up and no tears need be involved.
thanks for giving me something to look forward to.
i'm ready ladies.

want to dance?

:: 2004 11 July :: 5.56 pm

i've seen a lot a different sides to my friends in the last couple days. some things are so dark they make me cry. while some people shine so bright i wonder why i am allowed to know them.
i hate how maturity is something this town believes they have but lack the most. along with class. i hate to know that they'll all regret this.
i know who my best friend is. she's a beautiful person.
i hate having to wonder if both of the their smiles are at my expense. i'm beginning to lose all faith in how to make up.
i can't do it all by myself. i don't want to change anyone. i want to know why.

this summer is so tragic.

want to dance?

:: 2004 10 July :: 6.29 pm

well let me see. since my journal is such a downer. i'm just gonna keep my trend.
i miss danni. lets make up?
i miss everyone getting along.
i miss wine.
i miss giggles. and stupid memories we'll never tell our kids.
i miss dreaming about what a great summer this is suppose to be.

lets make it reality kids. lets put down our guns. and bake cookies.

want to dance?

:: 2004 8 July :: 1.20 pm

i'm having one of those days where i want to stay in bed and watch disney movies. and eat lots of popsicles.

forget all about booze and drugs. they create the ruin of all innocence.

i want to be on the beach in a sun dress. i want it to hang on me effortlessly and dances while i walk. i want beach hair. and a straw hat. and lemonade. handpicked flowers and beautiful sunsets. i want interesting conversation. and mind shattering experiences. i want to fly without ANY aid. i want to made to matter to the sun. i want the moon to miss me. i want to know the sheet is pulled up over me but i can never feel it. i want to be woken up gently with the scent of fresh flowers. i want to scream to the world and let it know everything. i want the world to understand it all. i want my earth to yearn for me. i want to be carefree. i want not understand betrayal. i want innocence in all forms. i want sand between my toes. i want the scent of liliacs and pain thinner filtering away from hands after a day of reckless painting. i want to be aware. i want to see the wind dance through my hair. i want to be rescued from yearning.

summer is here. somehow is hasn't filled my expectations.

we haven't been allowed our getaway, yet.

3 bow out. | want to dance?

:: 2004 7 July :: 12.29 pm

i want to know the truth about forever.

so i'm going to buy the book.

forever lately means jack shit. it' one of those candy coated lies. ey?

want to dance?

:: 2004 5 July :: 4.39 pm

mmmmMmm. i'm home. i love my bed. never underestimate constants. they are perfectly comforting sometimes.
so i got my SAT thingy today. i did better overall than 67 percent of the college bound seniors next year. yea, now maybe i can hurry yp and get my ticket out of oxford.
i wish oxford had a train station. so i could have one of those getaways. i wish i was born back when goodbyes are beautiful. with tragic love and trains. a time with umbrellas and hats, pink and soft yellows. *sigh*
i want a getaway. summer has started but i think instead of having a summer last year it's more of going to define me and tune me allowing me to be able to be set free. i need the city. the sounds of the street.
i don't want crickets.
late for the train. jumping on last. coats on puddles. i last goodbye. a slow and tragic kiss to the air. and nothing but a distance and the excitement of being independent.

bah...i need a field to run in...
*trying to live tragic*

want to dance?

:: 2004 24 June :: 5.21 pm

i'm leaving. gone for a whole week.
i was lying bed last night, yet again high by myself, and i put things into perspective. i'm gonna miss my rehcos, who else will i babble to about my wicked random emo thoughts. and my jeffrey, who will kiss me goodnight?
this summer i'm not gonna underestimate anything or anyone. esp. those two people. they move the sun and moon in my book.
anywho. i'm trying to pack. but i always overdo these things. always! i have TONS of clothes on my bed and noone to tell me what not to bring. everyone is away or working. stupid thursday. *kicks thursday*
haha. i just made thursday my bitch.

ohh. rehcos. so i'm being weird and talking to you in my journal rather than yourself, but ur at work and you s.n. is not on. so while i'm away i'm gonna take pictures of eligible boys for you. that's gonna be your new hobby. i decided for you. just take a bunch of guy pictures of one summer. and when your sad. look at them. that should cheer you up!

i'm fucking weird.
i'm going to pack. wish me luck.

*living my life beautifully*

4 bow out. | want to dance?

:: 2004 22 June :: 6.20 pm

How to make a Leha

Ingredients: 3 parts competetiveness 3 parts brilliance 1 part joy

Method: Combine in a tall glass half filled with crushed ice. Serve with a slice of lovability and a pinch of salt. Yum!

:: 2004 21 June :: 11.02 pm

My brother is some much cooler than you. yea whatever. so next year. i'm the bad ass senior who gets to kick this bitches kayl's ass. all my girl friends. this bitch called orrie harry potter and picked on him CONSTANTLY. she's gonna die. :) haha. sucks for her.
well me and my lovely brother are bonding so see ya later.

p.s. tomorrow is the last day of my junior year :) xoxoxox

want to dance?