well tonight i had a long talk with sara and i finally got her to tell me everything and i told her that if we are close friends like she tells me.. that she wouldnt keep things from me, especially things like she likes the same kid as me... than when i ask her, she lies and denys it. but im glad she told me after i forced it out of her she still explained she wouldnt replay what happened last time.. so i was happy! sara i love you and you can tell me everything ill only be mad if you dont tell me and you make me find out myself!! ahh!! ok anyway today i basically cleaned and well... jake dosnt like me only as a friend. :0( someone told me that, but i still like him alot and i cant really see me getting over him but as long as i dont bother him i guess its ok right? well ok jake imed me and now im done talking to him.. idk hes purposly being a jerk to me so that id stop likeing him (from what i heard) i just dont know why he just wont let me like him i could care less if he feels the same or not i just want to like him without anyone bothering me. i really wanted to talk to him.. one on one me n jake but im not going to even go that far.. ill just wait a while, unless he ever wants to talk to me (highly doubt it) sometimes i wish i just kept me liking him to myself so no one would know. grrr another thing that bugs me is someone told him i was suicidal. NO PEOPLE I AM NOT SUICIDAL AT ALL. especially not bc of what happened to mariah. my life isnt that bad to the pont i need to take my own life away. and mariahs wasnt either, life never gets to a point to take that extreme. and i wouldnt do it either i mean what am i, crazy? as far as cutting myself goes i have no cuts on my arm anymore and i would never cut myself ever again and i stopped that a long time ago. i love myself to much :0) not to sound (conceeded) spelling is bad for me. sorry, whenever i get on this thing i lecture i need to stop that lol i have so much i want to let out but im scared that like someone may be reading that i wouldnt prefer knowing.. so im going to go to bed, night

tonight wasnt the worst ok well this morning i woke up and i went shopping with my mom, picked up my skateboard, than went shopping again, picked up sara setzer and we hung out at my house than stephanie came and we ate out and talked alot. yea the bad part was i found out stuff that i didnt want to know but its ok bc at least im aware of this and i can handel it i just kinda wish that it wasnt like this... if you know what i mean. but its ok. im going to go clean my room for a bit bye bye

i had such a wierd night. it started at 2 in the morning i woke up becasue it was like a really big thunderstorm and it scared me than i heard a big BANG and the neighbors car alarm went off i was like wow thats pretty scary i walked around my hose and everyone was up and my puppies were sooo scared so i had to stay up with them till they calmed down.. i didnt have to i just thought it was right you know lol than i went back to bed at about 330 and woke up again at 730 something bc it was very windy and rainy and my window was making wierd noises and i though something hit it so i kinda stared out the window for 20 mins and watched the storm bc personally i though it was pretty. than i went back to sleep until 10 and woke up did my moms hair and looked at all the neighbors cars lol *lauren is an awesome girl and she is forever my dweeb! lol love yas lauren!

today i had a LOOOONG reflection time.. i relized hate is a strong word and i am going to try never to use it. i also realized that i should credit myself more for the good things i do and love myself for who i am! which i have been doing lately. and just so everyone knows i have been extremly happy for like a loooooooong time bc i am an optamist (if i spelled it right) and life has been going awesome! anyway going on well today was fun i went to debs and wallys for easter and i babysat basically those kids and i almost fell asleep i was so tired lol i came home and ate alot of food lol and got attacked by a belt named johnson haha. i ate a bunch of candy and i dont feel good now lol but its good well i think im going to go to sleep now night night... love yas!

hi
ok well the past few days was certainly busy! well i had a bday party with like 3o people although my mom thinks it was 4o i compleatly object! that night sara lauren kelly and liv slept over.. matt did too but he had to lol the next day i went on the boat with sara lauren my aunt and matt than the place next to the church.. next day matt danny lauren meana sara god i flipped i was like on my last neve bc i really wanted alone time.. but i had people following me and non stop calling me so i ended up having danny pick up my phone telling everyone i wasnt here or talking through him and everywhere i went i had people pick up for me! so that night me steph and kelly and derek went back to the place next to the church and it was fun.. and toay is easter.. i went to church and i was holding breannas hand the whole time.. she even went up to get communion with me SHE IS SO CUTE! breanna is 4 and michelle is 2 i was picking up michelle lol than well... i really hate to have to go into this and of all times on easter but i was talking to my friend at church.. me n her arent really close but we do talk and we are friends.. and i noticed she had scratches like cuts all over her arm so i asked her how she got it and she told me her cat.. i gave her this look i mean i give people a look when i dont believe them bc i knew for a fact they werent cat scratches number one she didnt have a cat second they were too deep and wide. so i made her spill it and i told her that it didnt solve anything and gave her like a 45 min lecture lol i hope i helped.. but please everyone dont stat doing it bc once you start its an ongoing thing.. its so hard to stop and your always in denial if you have done it or are still doing it take it from me you feel so much better and content with yourself once you stop and you got prettier arms! (or legs or whereever you cut yourself in) but anyway on happy news... its easter go to church and eat candy and food lol ok hapy easter everyone love ya!!

buuuuuuusy day!! ok i went to school (it was great) and i came home while my mom was in a rush i had no idea why so we went to target and publix and we shopped for stuff for the party... and than to my surprise she was rushing bc my aunt decided to show up for my party from NY and surprise me.. i was surprised but wow im going to have matt and my aunt staying with me! i picked a good time for a party bc alot of my firends are visiting... simone, therese, matt, danny and my aunt! wow ok well im gong to do homework and stuff like that!! sara setzer is so awesome!! im going to follow my heart! lol and hopefully my mind will be all made up!

i got my second hole in my ear i am happy! and i got a knee brace... it hurts lol anyway we went back up to the church last night and chillaxed... .. derek and jon came with us and kelly and steph were there too!!! yay! umm lol well than kelly slept over and i got in a fight with marcus this morning and i dont want to have anything to do with him neither does kelly or stephanie bc he cant stand to see anyone happy especially not kelly.. i gues this is his true colors but oh well maybe he will learn... but another note.. i like this kid and his name is jake he is so awesome and is really sweet even though like a bazillion of my friends dont like him its all gravy bc i do... anyway i think i am gonig to go help my mom do something bye bye

ok my islands of adventure trip was fun i hung out with compton and joy! we were suppost to meet with ashley but i didnt bring my cell so ashley couldnt call me and she went with courtney and other ppl to get changed but she said shed find me... she never did lol than at night she was next to us in the bises so i had to call amber to tell ashley S. ashley h and courtney to look left lol so we spent like 30 mins waving back and fourth calling eachother and lipsing lol we were so bad at that today school went by fast and we had alot of fun at tutorial nikki was on WAY too much hyper medicine and joy said we were random but according to cynthia we are stupid... omg matt and mrs ob were fighting ovver the GO stamp and she bit her student lol!! it was soo funny they were like wrestling . iwent out of the class expecting no one to be there and i screamed 'i have to pee!!' and there were like 5 guys in the hall and i felt retarded omg omg joy threw wet paper towels at me n nikki! im sorry lol i just really love joy and nikki!!!! and cynthias... ok lol bye bye

friday i got another detention (2 times in a week go me)... but i had such a bad day today.. i went to ISS i had a bad sinus headache and fever all day and i went with stephanie and still had my headache i came home and my dad woudnt leave me alone! not even for one second he kept yelling about worthess junk that no one cares about so my mom told him to leave me alone and shut up and i slammed the door and locked it so hed go away and my headache got worse!! grr anyway other than that life is fine and dandy. i fixed my room a bit and i like it alot better. i like to spend my time in there alot and plan out things... next month is going to be the best! first its my birthday second matt may come down and see me and danny is too!!!!!!!!!!!! yay!!!!!! im on the phone with lauren just reading along what i type... i yelled at a drunk guy in leighigh on my way to get nikki at a gas station.. bc he was being racist and it pissed me off so yeah i can write out a skit but i dont want to. but it involved alot of yelling lol lets see i havent wrote about love in a while... lets say i have a secret... and i hate love but im torn dont ask . friends... well im being backstabbed as usual lauren told me that i should get new friends and that im a retard lol but idk i guess im too stupid. ok ima stop writing bc lauren is yelling about this whole backstabing thing and is making up words that dont exist like ingrates... what if that is a word?? oh well if not lauren made it up and she said it means imbasols and ingnaramus's i cant spell but she said it is spelled like IGNORE A MOOSES... ok that was nice i think me n her are gonig to get together and make a dictionary this weekend and sell it for 2 cookies each!! ok bye

ok well i found out today that alongside the detention i also got an in school suspension and a saturday detention... grrr i swear the only thing that kept me from not exploding was my new shoes... when i got the message i went back into class hyseterical crying and when my parents found out they werent mad.. bc for one it wasnt really my fault and 2 they knew i was truly sorry its sad but in spite of all this i was still bouncy and cheerful bc detention today wasnt really that bad actually... i mean im not going to run out and do something bad to get another detention but yeah it wasnt as bad as i thought speaking of.. well we get repot cards tomorrow not that im worried i mean i got all b's and c's and one d but it dosnt count bc its my stupid teacher and a stupid subject (math) o0o0o i HATE math yeah but idk i think i am going to be more strict with who i trust now bc now this person i was talking about last night was coming to me begging for me to forgive them but my mom said i cant hang out with her bc of what she did to me.. i mean not that i listen to my mom when she says not to hang out with someone but yea anyway before you people are all like shut up lisa ill just shut up now x0Xo

why me?? when i think i can trust someone it gets around to the point where everyone knows about it well should i stop telling people stuff!!!?? today at school i got a detention my first one... it was for copying i didnt even copy! someone copyed me and i got in trouble for it.. so did she. i mean it dosnt bother me... detention is kinda like a time to think and i need all the time i can get!! isnt that sad? well lets say today was a mix of good and bad i got a 100 on a quiz!! yay umm well after school everyone except me knew... someone (no names) came to school and gave me flowers... and now i feel even more pressured i mean it was sweet i know but i feel so bad bc he knows about that other kid i like and at first he made me pick between the 2 of them by tomorrow.. i said i wasnt going to do that and if they make me do that than i am going to just forget them both! i just mainly need time bc i got a bunch of other problems and boyfriends should be the last thing i worry about right? well idk during lunch i popped my knee again and im going to the doctors and i may have to get surger i really hope not bc there goes gymnastics forever and i already and really out of shape its so depressing.. well i must go idk what im going to do probably go to sleep... btw TODAY IS THE 7TH DAY OF NOT BEING DEPRESSED oh yea holy fat cow if you didnt think i can do it than in your eye bc i just did and im going to keep on going at it and no i am not drunk now just extremly happy!!! ok bye nye

6th happy day tomorrow is my happy annaversary yay i am eating yogurt and i poared alot of sprinkles in it i know most of you are going to stop looking at my journal but i am trying to set an example the example i am trying to set is that its so much better to be happy than depressed... what i do is eat that is what gets my mind off things.. except now i have a bigger problem (im getting fat) i gained like 5 pounds! but oh well im still cheerful it makes your day go by so much quicker if you just talk about your problems as soon as you get them and let them go put them in the past and go back to being happy its so great! OMG you people i have a goal.. to find my uncle i havent talked to in a long time and alot of years and SMACK HIM UPSIDE THE HEAD! trust me i got a reson... lets just say a few things were hidden from me for my 15 years and i just found them out last night and oooh boy that guy is going to go to hell ill tell you that now! okk i am going to go and write a letter to ashley

ok i am dumb lol thats last entry.. it wasnt 4 days it was more like a half a day bc TODAY is the 5th day!! i mean i have been the most cheerfulest (if thats a word) and hyper person (the hyper part i owe to pixie sticks) yay! ok wow there isnt much to say i havent written in a while bc i have not been online for a long time and if i am its for like 1 second. oh oh oh im NOT on spring break my school has it in april siiiiigh isnt that sad... ok well i must do my homework and stuff i shall talk to you all later!! thanks to everyone who took the time to read this... x0Xo

i been happy for the past 4 days i mean really... some people told me that i was making them worry about me bc i was too happy but no i just worked on my emotional resiliance... anyway yesterday i got up in front of peope and sang! go me!! ok im happy lol bye