dunno.
Raining All The Time

She fell like a meteor onto the planet
And said, "Your world, it brings me down
I feel like an animal
And I don't think I get it
But one day I'll make you proud"

It's raining all the time
It's raining all the time
It's raining all the time
I'll need you by my side
When I leave it all behind
It's raining all the time

She crashed like an atom bomb
And said, "We can't live forever
One day I'll see you around
I dremt that we disappeared
So I just gotta do it
So no one can touch me now"

It's raining all the time
It's raining all the time
It's raining all the time
I'll need you by my side
When I leave it all behind
It's raining all the time

She said: I hate the rain
But here it comes again
She said: I hate the rain
But here it comes again

I hate the rain
Here it comes again
I hate the rain
Here it comes again

There's something in my head
I can't get off my mind since you've been gone it's raining all the time...

-Kill Hannah


I'm updating because i haven't in awhile.

nothing really interesting to report.

except that

Colin's coming this weekend! :-D

yay!

and yeah.
i'm mildy freaking out, if anyone's interested.
because my mom keeps mentioning the "r" word. but yeah. it's not that big of a deal, right? i can handle anything they throw at me, right? right. so.. i guess i better just move onto the shout outs..


e.b- i love you so much. yay. you rock. can't say much more than that.
c.c- um.. hi. you also rock. can't wait to see you.
e.m-haven't talked to you in awhile. umm...how's life?
e.w- happy birthday! yayayayayayayayayay! you're awesome!
n.s- yuss! amazing kid!
r.d- hi!
r.d- hi!
g.m- hi!
s.c- haha. scottty sucks.
a.r- we needa chill sometime soon.
b.m- good luck with that...
l.r- you rock...it'll all work out.
a.w- i'm thinking of you, wherever you are.
l.b- hi! teehee. old people in dog suits. run and hide.

do i have anymore friends?

-shadow-

everything you will ever need to know about me
ABOUT YOU
x Your full name:: devon henri kerr matthews
x Nickname:: -shadow-
x Age:: 14
x Height:: short
x Natural hair color:: black and brown
x Eye color:: brown
x Number of siblings:: one
x Glasses/contacts?:: glasses
x Piercings:: i wish
x Tattoos:: nope
x Braces:: as of today, none at all! *does a little dance*
FAVORITE
x Color:: grey
x Band:: changes a lot, at the moment, my chemical romance
x Song:: you know what they do to guys like us in prison
x Stuffed animal:: eeyore, bunny
x Video game:: zelda
x TV show:: gilmore girls
x Movie:: the ring, grind, donnie darko
x Book:: the lovely bones
x Food:: antonio's pizza
x Game on a cell phone:: snood
x CD cover:: Red City- Silver or Underøath
x Flower:: rose
x Scent:: vanilla, pepermint, snow
x Sound:: rain, THWACK, bigelow singing
x Animal:: penguin
x Comic book:: Farside..duh...
x Cereal:: honey nut cheerios
x Website:: www.woohu.com
x Cartoon:: O' Grady
DO YOU
x Play an instrument?:: i wish
x Watch TV more than 60 hours a week?:: i hope not
x Like to sing?:: yeah
x Have a job?:: nope
x Have a cell phone?:: yes
x Like to play sports?:: no
x Have a boyfriend/girlfriend?:: no
x Have a crush on someone?:: no
x Live somewhere NOT in the united states?:: no
x Have more than 5 TVs in your house?:: 2
x Have any special talents/skills?:: i wish..
x Excercise daily?:: no
x Like school?:: not at all
CAN YOU
x Sing the alphabet backwards?:: no
x Stand on your tip toes without wearing shoes?:: sort of
x Speak any other languages?:: getting there..
x Go a day without food?:: yes
x Stay up for more than 24 hours?:: sorry, no.
x Read music, not just tabs?:: sort of
x Roll your tongue?:: ?
x Eat a whole pizza?:: given enough time
HAVE YOU EVER
x Snuck out of the house?:: snuck Into the house..
x Cried to get out of trouble?:: yes
x Gotten lost in your city?:: town. no.
x Seen a shooting star?:: yes
x Been to any other countries besides the united states?:: yes
x Had a serious surgery?:: no
x Stolen something important to someone else?:: probably
x Solved a rubiks cube?:: never
x Gone out in public in your pajamas?:: ..yeah..
x Cried over a girl?:: yeah
x Cried over a boy?:: yeah.
x Kissed a random stranger?:: no
x Hugged a random stranger?:: no
x Been in a fist fight?:: yeah
x Been arrested?:: no
x Done drugs?:: sorry, i'm not cool enough.
x Had alcohol?:: probably not
x Laughed and had milk come out of your nose?:: no
x Pushed all the buttons on an elevator?:: hasn't everyone?
x Gone to school only to find you had the day off because of a holiday/etc?:: no, but i've waited for the bus on a snow day
x Swore at your parents?:: fuck yeah
x Been to warped tour?:: :( no.. unfortunetly
x Kicked a guy where it hurts?:: almost
x Been in love?:: i wouldnt know
x Been close to love?:: yes
x Been to a casino?:: no
x Ran over an animal and killed it?:: probably
x Broken a bone?:: yes
x Gotten stitches?:: no
x Had a waterballoon fight in winter?:: sort of
x Drank a whole gallon of milk in one hour?:: no
x Made homemade muffins?:: cupcakes?
x Bitten someone?:: yes
x Been to disneyland/disneyworld?:: no
x More than 5 times?:: see above
x Been to niagra falls?:: nope
x Burped in someones face?:: yes
x Gotten the chicken pox?:: yes
WHENS THE LAST TIME YOU
x Brushed your teeth:: this morning
x Went to the bathroom:: like 15 minutes ago..
x Saw a movie in theaters:: hitch
x Read a book:: today
x Had a snow day:: january? february?
x Had a party:: 13th birthday
x Had a slumber party:: dunno.
x Made fun of someone:: probably today
x Tripped in front of someone:: yesterday..all the time..
x Went to the grocery store:: dunno
x Got sick:: dunno
x Cursed:: dunno
PICK ONE
x Fruit/vegetables:: fruit
x Black/white:: black
x Lights on/lights off:: off
x TV/movie:: movie
x Car/truck:: car
x Body spray/lotion:: lotion
x Cash/check:: cash
x Pillows/blankets:: blankets
x Headache/stomach ache:: head
x Paint/charcoal:: both
x Chinese food/mexican food:: mexica
x Summer/winter:: winter
x Snow/rain:: rain
x Fog/misty:: misty
x Rock/rap:: rock
x Meat/vegetarian:: vegetarian
x Boy/girl:: girl
x Chocolate/vanilla:: vanilla
x Sprinkles/icing:: sprinkles
x Cake/pie:: pie
x French toast/french fries:: toast
x Strawberries/blueberries:: strawberries
x Ocean/swimming pool:: pool
x Hugs/kisses:: hugs
x Cookies/muffins:: cookies
x Wallet/pocket:: pocket
x Window/door:: window
x Emo/goth:: goth
x Pink/purple:: pink
x Cat/dog:: dog
x Long sleeve/short sleeve:: long sleeve
x Pants/shorts:: pants
x Winter break/spring break:: winter
x Spring/autumn:: fall
x Clouds/clear sky:: clouds
x Moon/mars:: moon
FRIENDSHIP
x How many friends do you have?:: i'm not sure. not very many
x What are their names?:: they know who they are
x Do you have a best friend?:: yes
x Have you ever liked one of your friends?:: yes
x Do you have more guy friends or more girl friends?:: depends who counts as my friend
x Have you ever lost a friend?:: too many
x Have you ever gone to an amusement park with a friend?:: yuss! bridget and sarah!
x Whats an inside joke between you and a friend?:: umm...pink squids suck?
x Have you ever gotten in a big arguement with a friend?:: all the time
x Whats the nicest thing you've ever done for a friend?:: i wish i had something really meaningful to put here, but i don't... i once tried to protect my friend, but it blew up in my face
x Whats the nicest thing a friend has ever done for you?:: more than i deserve
x Do you miss any of your old friends?:: yeah.
x What friend have you known the longest?:: laura, but if that doesnt count then bigelow
x Do you regret anything you've done to a friend?:: yeah
x If so, what is it?:: made them all worry
x How often do you spend time with your friends?:: as often as i can
x Do any of your friends drive?:: no
x Has a friend of yours ever died?:: yes
x Whats the dumbest thing youve done with a friend?:: soo many things..
x What do you think your friends think of you?:: more than i deserve
LOVE AND ALL THAT CRAP
x Have you ever been in love?:: i wouldnt know
x If you have, with who?:: ...
x Are you single?:: yes
x Are you in a relationship?:: ^
x If so, for how long?:: ^
x Do you believe there is someone for everyone?:: probably not
x What is your idea of the best date?:: i don't know. something that would give us an opperunity to be romantic, but also silly
x What was your first kiss like?:: -_-
x How old were you when you got your first kiss?:: 14
x Do you think love is a load of shit?:: possibly.
x Whats the best experiance youve ever had with the opposite sex?:: i will not answer that
x If you are single, have you had any boyfriends/girlfriends before?:: yes
x Have you ever been dumped?:: no
x Have you ever dumped someone?:: yes
x Whats the most sexual thing youve done with the opposite sex?:: i will not answer that
WORD ASSOCIATION
x Slippers:: OZ
x Hat:: chinese
x Hard:: hit
x Free:: stuff
x Space:: russia?
x Taste:: tastey
x Good charlotte:: hehe..old obbsession..*shifty eyes*
x Red:: code red
x Deep:: shit
x Heart:: broken
x Cord:: whip
x Cheese:: swiss
x Rain:: happiness
x Work:: -_-
x Pedal:: petal
x Head:: *this one*
x Bed:: pillow
x Fluff:: benji and bigelow
x Hardcore:: -_-
x Race:: death
x Knife:: cut
x Jump:: mosh
I....
x am:: shadow
x want:: what i can't have
x need:: nothing
x crave:: cookie dough ice cream with rainbow sprinkles
x love:: my big-ee-woah
x hate:: everything
x did:: nothing
x feel:: lost
x miss:: those i've lost.
x am annoyed by:: people who won't shut up when it's obvious i want them to
x would rather:: be dead
x am tired of:: trying to figure out if i still have friends
x will always:: love you.
SILLY STUFF
x What is your favorite genre of music?:: rock
x What time is it now?:: 6:29:22
x What day is it?:: Tuesday
x Whens the last time you called someone?:: a few hours ago
x How much money do you have right now?:: not enough
x Are you hungry?:: sort of
x Whatcha doin?:: talking to colin
x Do you like parades?:: no
x Do you like the moon?:: sure
x What are you going to do when youre done with this?:: stare at my homework until it completes itself without my help
x Isnt cup a funny word when you repeat it over and over?:: yeah kind of
x If you could have any magical power what would it be?:: invisibility. no..mind control..
x Have you ever had a picnic?:: yes
x Did you ever have one of those skip-its when you were young?:: yeah
x What about sock em boppers?:: laura had 'em.
x Are you wearing any socks right now?:: yes. they're white with blue stuff
DO YOU THINK YOU ARE
x funny?:: no
x pretty?:: no
x sarcastic?:: a bit
x lazy?:: yeah
x hyper?:: not usually
x friendly?:: not usually
x evil?:: sort of
x smart?:: i wish..
x strong?:: no. i'm pitiful.
x talented?:: no
x dorky?:: a bit. actually, quite.
ASSOCIATE THESE WORDS WITH SOMEONE YOU KNOW (or dont know)
x high:: trey
x skip:: november
x dance:: julia
x lonely:: benji
x pen:: .::mystery::.
x flower:: rose
x window:: .::mystery::.
x psycho:: yesterday
x new:: colin
x old:: rose
x brain freeze:: ~!raincloud!~
x orange:: ~!raincloud!~
x pink:: sarah
x sassy:: nikki
x jelly:: yesterday
x spin:: november
x lost:: chris
x found:: ~!raindcloud!~
x random:: sally
x smiley:: scott
x toaster:: yesterday
x monkey:: ian
x glass:: yesterday
FOR OR AGAINST
x suicide:: as long as it's my own
x love:: bull shit
x drunk drivers:: idiot
x airplanes:: go ahead
x war:: against
x canada:: blame them
x united states:: against. we suck.
x rock music:: for.
x gay marriage:: for
x school:: truthfully, for.
x surveys:: for
x parents:: depends which parents
x cars:: for
x killing:: against
x britney spears:: BURN!
x coffee:: makes me smile
x pants:: pants are good.
WOULD YOU EVER
x Sky dive?:: probably
x Play strip poker?:: yeah, depends who with
x Run away?:: in a heart beat
x Curse at a teacher?:: yeah
x Not take a shower for a week?:: not if i had a choice
x Ask someone out?:: yes
x Lie to someone to make them think better of you?:: probably not
x Visit a foreign country for more than a month?:: maybe
x Go scuba diving?:: yeah
x Write a book?:: yeah
x Become a rockstar?:: hell yeah!
x Have casual sex?:: i'm wondering what can be defined as "casual" sex..
LAST QUESTIONS
What shampoo do you use?:: pantene
What kind of computer do you have?:: mac
What grade are you in?:: 8th
Do you like to throw popcorn at people in the movies?:: yeah!
Or just make out?:: no
How many posters do you have in your room?:: 45
How many cds do you have?:: 54..wow. that's not very many.
What time is it now?:: 7:06:53

So..that is everything a person will ever need to know about me. and more. and if you've just read through that whole thing, comment, because you are a hero. Anyways..i got my braces off today..finally...it feels really weird, though. and i look like a fuckin rodent. it sucks. anyways... i'll go now...given it's taken me almost 2 hours to make this update... although half of it was spacing out and talking online. ah well..
buhbye now.

-shadow-

sean's confession
deadloser540 (8:18:12pm): tell me something i dont know.
Seltsam Naivling (8:18:24pm): i am 2 genders
Seltsam Naivling (8:18:35pm): i am robins son
Seltsam Naivling (8:18:40pm): /daughter


wow sean.
wow.

-shadow-

remember us way back when?
Testing 1,2,3"
Maybe it would be fun
To get a new opinion
Get a little work done
And forget

Maybe it would be cool
If I rocked it old school
Try to break a gold rule
And a sweat

Better than the first time
Better than the worst time
If I could just reverse time
I'd be set

[CHORUS:]
Testing 1,2,3
Can anybody hear me?
If I shed the irony
Would anybody cheer me?
If I acted less like me
Would I be in the clear?

She got a new apartment
It's out on the escarpment
And in her glove compartment
Are my songs

She hasn't even heard them
Since she found out what the words meant
She decided she preferred them
All wrong

Kind of like the last time
With a bunch of really fast rhymes
If we're living in the past I'm
Soon gone

[CHORUS]

We recognize the present
Is half as pleasant
As our nostalgia for

The past'll be presented
Recast and reinvented
Until it's how we meant it

[CHORUS]

He's everything that you need
You wiped out on your ten speed
And either he will succeed
Or just suck

[CHORUS]

Begin the...

[CHORUS ]
Would I be in the clear, G?

Testing 1,2,3
Testing 1,2,3

-Barenaked Ladies

that stupid song wont stop playing in my head...

hey everyone.
i know i'm not supposed to allow myself to show emotion anymore... but i can't help it. this is my journal where i write my thoughts and if you're amog those who laugh and say i make it all up for attention, then you can go screw a cow and stop reading here.
but if you're among the few friends i actually have, continue reading.

so this is what i'm thinking now (besides testing 1,2,3..)
i'm missing everything i used to have. all of it.
and i know there are things that i have now that i would never want to go without.. but there's also things i lost.

at the moment, the thing i want most is to go back to 6th grade with rose. god i miss her... i wish there was a way to make this really work... stupid pvpa. stupid arms. stupid life breaking up friendships...
i think the last time i was with rose was at her house watching "the full monty"...wow... it can't have been that long..but i guess it has... funny how life works... funny how i used to spend every second with one person and now... it's all gone.
the word 'regret' comes to mind... rachel said that if i was on green team last year, my entire life would be different. i wish i could see what really would have happened... i know i wouldnt be like this... i know. i miss rose... i swear to god i'm about to cry...
but i can't. i'm not allowed. that what you all want, isn't it? for me to go back to never showing any emotion other than happy? i will.
but anyway..
i want it all back to 6th grade. everything was protected. everything was a lie, but it was an amazingly happy lie. i had everything i wanted. best friends. amazing class...
i miss being protected like that..
so who remember the best day of my life?
i know i've made about a million refrences to it...
heres a reminder:
jose's entire class jumped in the river. then rose an i dropped the cake on the floor. and we had to walk home because we were soaking and couldnt go on the bus... it was amazing..
i miss that kid...
more than anything..

but hey.. i've got new things in my life...right? nothing can replace what i've lost.. but i've gained some amazing people...
emily (wishing i had spent time getting to know you instead of hating you..)
emily (you rock... you saved me)
ella (easy to talk to..wishing you'd respond..)
nia (YAY!)
rachel (amazing how you know a person for years without actually ever knowing them...)


okay, well, im going to stop now.

to sum it all up: i miss rose.
thank's for listening.

-shadow-

-_-
Pieces Mended"
Being faced with what I'm faced with I feel
Like I can't rock
Like a rock hit my heart
Started to chain the day
And exploded into pieces

Marry me
Stay the same
Lie to me and try to say you never will
[x2]

I've got a feeling in my gut now fills me
With so much hope
Said fuck it I'm fine
Dine and dashed
The pianist peddled into morning, morning

Marry me
Stay the same
Lie to me and try to say you never will

Marry me
Stay the same
Lie to me and try to say you never

Morning [x4]

Being faced with what I'm faced with I feel
Like I can't rock
Like a rock hit my heart
Started to chain the day
And exploded into pieces

Pieces[x6]
(Being faced with what I'm faced with I feel
Like I can't rock
Like a rock hit my heart
Started to chain the day
And exploded into pieces)
[Sung in the background]

-the used

hey everyone.

sorry i havent updated in like forever. i kept meaning to, but then i'd see something shiney or decide that i didnt really wanna explain my thoughts.
so the last time i updated i was freaking out all over the place ad all that crap.
so that's pretty much over...

and the newest thing in my life is "the letter"
i've come to the relization that letters really suck.
like alot.
and i basically was told that almost all the kids i thought we're my friends laugh at me behind my back.
i'm sorry that i dont try to hard to hide who i am. i'm sorry that if something's really shitty, i let myself cry.
i learned my lesson. i'll go back to being preppy and hiding everything.
i hope your happy.
i really could rant about this for hours, but i gotsta go.
so i'll write more later.

bye.

-shadow-

crazy
Death Poems

So I watch the clock
Counting down the seconds
Until it devours what little sanity remains
It's killing me
Not all at once
But slowly
A little at a time
Eating away at my mind
It's almost funny how I never noticed
That it controls me
Forcing me to complete its evil task
And I write it's poetry on my arm
The blade is my pen
It has a mind of it's own
And it shouts out
Messages of hate
Making me cold to the world
But inside, I am scared
As the blade writes death poems
In my mind
I weaken and
I become a slave to it
I do what it tells me
As the clock counts down
I do what it tells me
As it kills me
As it controls me
It has become a vicious circle
The only way to stay alive
Is to let it kill me
And allow myself to need it

-shadow


today. was. fucked. up.
not even imaginable.

it's basically all in the poem.
today i did it in class. for the world to see. i'm scared.
i would have gone until i hit bone. except that yesterday stopped me.
and before that, i wasn't really there. i mean, my body was there, blade in hand, but my mind was elsewhere. i didnt know anything was happening until yesterday grabbed my arm. i wasn't really there.

i am crazy.


-shadow-

exhibiton
The Taste Of Ink

Is it worth it can you even hear me
Standing with your spotlight on me
Not enough to feed the hungry
I'm tired and I felt it for awhile now
In this sea of lonely
The taste of ink is getting old
It's four o' clock in the fucking morning
Each day gets more and more like the last day
Still I can see it coming
While I'm standing in the river drowning
This could be my chance to break out
This could be my chance to say goodbye
At last it's finally over
Couldn't take this town much longer
Being half dead wasn't what I planned to be
Now I'm ready to be free

So here I am it's in my hands
And I'll savor every moment of this
So here I am alive at last
And I'll savor every moment of this

And won't you think I'm pretty
When I'm standing top the bright lit city
And I'll take your hand and pick you up
And keep you there to so you can see
As long as you're alive and care
I promise I will take you there
And we'll drink and dance the night away

As long as you're alive
Here I am
I promise I will take you there

-The Used


So i'm sitting here in coach groups ingnoring exhibition completly. what fun. i really hate exhibiton. it's incredibly stressful. i've been really trying to focus all week, believe it or not. right now, i don't even care anymore. It's not comprehendible how stupid these things are. We get to go up in front of a room of people who are equally bored and tell them about how we've changed. fuck this. you've all seen me change. who really gives a fuck aobut science and english and math and social studies. WHO GIVES A FUCK?!!

Now i get to go re-fail a chinese test. what fun. sooo much fun.

-shadow-

i promise
Take it Away

I'm lying to myself
And this dagger's my excuse
I'm a pawn
I Should have paid up
And I left an hour late
I was laid up

I must abuse myself
I'm against all that I've made up
Set in stone the sun will come
And I hate light
You know I hate light
To me it looks so pretty burning

Burn the sun
Burn the light
Take take take take take take it away
Take my hand
Take my life
Take take take take take take it away

I must have caught something
In the heat of all these dances
I'm a worm with no more chances
And I've lost all doubt
In a chemical romance

I can't stop itching
over thoughts of tarnished hope
kinda funny
lonely feeling
I'm not in love
You know it's not love
Don't make it look so pretty burning

Burn the sun
Burn the light
Take take take take take take it away
Take my hand
Take my life
Take take take take take take it away

Burn the sun
Burn the light
Take take take take take take it away
Take my hand
Take my life
Take take take take take take it away

Brothers and sisters
I'm right here with you
Cause everyone's got one
A story to kill me
I'm so apathetic in my resentment
Living, loving, knowing not

Take my hand [x8]
Take my life
Take my heart take my mind
Take my life take my life

Burn the sun burn the light
Take take take take take take it away
Take my hand take my life
Take take take take take take it away
Burn the sun burn the light
Take take take take take take it away
Take my hand take my life
Take my life
Take my life

-the used


everything's okay with them. friends and more than friends. it's good. for now.


i need to fix everything . i need to make it better so you all can smile. i want to make it okay for you. i want to fix the world and hide all evils so all you see is good. i want to make it okay.

but nothing will ever be okay again.
i can't get past the scars.
mine and yours.

i am an athiest, but i really wish i had something to believe in.
i need something to make it okay, because i am failing.

i want to save you all.
i want to take out the bad and replace it will good. i promise you this: one day, it will be alright.

one day we will all smile and truley mean it.

i promise i'll make it okay for you. i promise i'll make it safe for you. i promise, i promise, i promise.

believe me.

i'll catch you.

(but who will catch me?)

-shadow-

FUCK
Mad World

All around me are familiar faces
Worn out places - worn out faces
Bright and early for their daily races
Going nowhere - going nowhere
And their tears are filling up their glasses
No expression - no expression
Hide my head I want to drown my sorrow
No tommorow - no tommorow

And I find it kind of funny
I find it kind of sad
The dreams in which I'm dying
Are the best I've ever had
I find it hard to tell you
'Cause I find it hard to take
When people run in circles
It's a very, very Mad World

Children waiting for the day they feel good
Happy Birthday - Happy Birthday
Made to feel the way that every child should
Sit and listen - sit and listen
Went to school and I was very nervous
No one knew me - no one knew me
Hello teacher tell me what's my lesson
Look right through me - look right through me

And I find it kind of funny
I find it kind of sad
The dreams in which I'm dying
Are the best I've ever had
I find it hard to tell you
'Cos I find it hard to take
When people run in circles
It's a very, very Mad World

-? donnie darko soundtrack?



*FUCK*



F
U
C
K

F U C K


EFF YOU SEA *FUCKING* KAY!

FUCK!


i seem to be using one word, and one word only. i am so fucking stressed right now it's not even funny. and i need it.
i need it so badly
and it wont work
it wont fucking work
you don't understand me
i need it more than ever

it can save me
or it can break me

i FUCKING need it

but it wont work
nothing happens
nothing
i need blood
but i wont bleed

NOTHING FUCKIN HAPPENS

i can't do it
why wont it work?
i need it
NEED it.

i'm going insane. completely insane. anyone who saw me today can vouch of that. bouncing off the walls, refusing to believe reality insane.
i don't want to think aobut anything.
i need to block it all out.
and i need m knife
but it wont work

i need to be locked up and they need to throw away the key
i'm going insane

i'm losing it

the tears are falling furiously now and i can't control anything.
i want it to all go away.
i'm drowing in it, all of it.
please save me.
make it all go away.
please save me if you can.

goodbye

-shadow-

i'm not really sure
Let It Bleed

This poison’s my intoxication.
I broke the needle off in my skin.
Picked the scabs and pick the bleeding.
And assumed that it was all in vain.
A positive scab that's never healing.
Calloused hit me in the face.
A burning bridge thats's so misleading.
Poison’s more potent now with the flame.

Let it bleed.
And take the rest for what it's worth, whoa.
Watch the fire.
Fill your lungs with smoke for the last time.
If you feel like dying, you might wanna sing.

The fire department couldn't drown the city.
They didn't even try to wash it clean.
What did you think, that I was sober?
Put me out cause I'm on fucking fire.
A positive scab that's never healing.
Regret that I kept this clean.
The most that I can do for you is keep on lying.
It's not a lie if you can let it sing.

Let it bleed.
And take the red for what it's worth, whoa.
Watch the fire.
Fill your lungs with smoke for the last time.
If you feel like dying you might wanna’ SING!

OH, OH, OH, OH YOU MIGHT WANNA SING!!
HA, HA, HA YOU MIGHT WANNA SING!!
HA, HA, YOU MIGHT WANNA SING!!
HA, HA SING!!!!!!!
YOU MIGHT WANNA SING!!
YOU MIGHT WANNA SING!!
YOU MIGHT WANNA SING IT OR SCREAM IT!!

This poison’s my intoxication.
I broke the needle off in my skin.
Picked the scabs and picked the bleeding.
Yeah, assume that it was all in vain.

Let it bleed.
And take the red for what it's worth, whoa.
Watch the fire.
Mamma fill your lungs with smoke for the last time.
If you feel like dying.
If you feel like dying.
If you feel like dying, you might wanna’ SING!
HA, HA, HA YOU MIGHT WANNA SING!!
HA, YOU MIGHT WANNA SING!!
YOU MIGHT WANNA SING OR SCREAM IT!!!!

-The Used


so i don't think i've updated in a while. i have no idea what's been going on in my life, or else i would fill you in. today is saturday, but it feels like sunday because we had friday off. and yesterday i dyed m hair black, but it didnt work at all. so now my hair is back to ugly brown because the black dye made the red dye all dull and boring again. so yeah.

but that isnt interesting.

neither is the fact that today bigelow and i walked all the way to cvs and back. and while that seems like a very meager feat, i'm pretty damn proud. and sore. so so sore. i think we did pretty well, considering the fact that we could have gotten very lost, but didnt. and considering the fact that we arent exactly the most in shape people out there... well.. we're still alive. i think we each get 100 cookie points.

so that's waht going on in my life. what's going on in my head, now that's a scary thing. i'm not entirly sure what i'm thinking, but i do know that i'm really spazzy. and i tihnk that's partially because of the thing with liam which i really screwd up. sorry. and i'm also really freaking out about the thing with yesterday. so my best friend is lying to me like crazy. and choosing someone else over me. i think i'm losing one of the few people who really mean something to me.
and there's also the rachel thing. which i'm not going to say anything about. but just for the record, it's there.

so.

e.b- why can't you trust that i'll be there for you?
e.m- i want you to stay in my life, but it almost feels like that black hole is back.
e.w- thanks. for just basically being there when i need you, and giving me space when i need it.
n.s- great to know your life is going great. wish i played a bigger role, but hey.. wouldnt wanna bring you down...
s.h- thanks so much for listening to me constantly bitch about everything. you're like, my savoir when i can't fucking take it. and you're freaking amazing at taking my mind off things.
r.d- i want to help you as much as i can, i really do. i hope things go exactly how you want them to, and remember to make this decision based on your own thoughts, not anyone elses.
r.d- i miss you a whole lot. i really wish i saw you more. let's try to make this work a little better.


so... you know what i just noticed? almost half of my friends' names start with e, and i have two friends with the initial's 'r.d' um, if you two are smart, you'll figure out which is which.

so. now i'm bored and tired and i want to sleep. ah, wishful thinking.
i'm off to stare at the walls for about 12 hours. buhbi.

-shadow-

procrastination
Buried Myself Alive

you almost always pick the best times
to drop the worst lines
you almost made me cry again this time
another false alarm
red flashing lights
well this time I'm not going to watch myself die
I think I made it a game to play your game
and let myself cry
I buried myself alive on the inside
so I could shut you out
and let you go away for a long time

I guess it's ok I puked the day away
I guess it's better you trapped yourself in your own way
and if you want me back
you're gonna have to ask

I think the chain broke away
and I felt it the day that I had my own time
I took advantage of myself and felt fine
but it was worth the night
I caught an early flight and I made it home

I guess it's ok I puked the day away
I guess it's better you trapped yourself in your own way
and if you want me back
you're gonna have to ask
nicer than that
nicer than that

with my foot on your neck
I finally have you
right where I want you
right where I want you
right where I want you
right where I want you

I guess it's ok I puked the day away
I guess it's better you trapped yourself in your own way
and if you want me back
you're gonna have to ask
nicer than that
nicer than that
and if you want me back
you're gonna have to ask
nicer than that
nicer
nicer

-The Used


I don't want to do my english homework.
So I'm writng this. Guess what? My hand is bleeding.
And life is rather confusing.
I don''t really know what to say. Umm..
Yesterday was Liam's birthday. Happy birthday Liam.
My smiley face watch is starting at me. It's mocking me.
Can a watch actually mock a person? Or am I insane? Actually, don't answer that.
Yesterday i went to Ally's. And I slept over. For like, the first time in many years. Many many years. And guess what? There was no "Fear Factor" juice. Which made me happy. And so did the Play-Doh. And the little animals that go with it. Even though we put the sheep feet on the dog. Yeah. And Ally's room looks really cool, because it's all purply-blue with interesting lights. And there was something in a pillow.. yeah. Cereal is probably one of the most random things on earth, if you think about it.. I mean, really.. Who thought of that? I suck at go fish.

Okay. I have to go torture myself by doing my homework. And, you're amazinf if you've actually read this far, because this is probably one of my most boring entries. maybe not, but it sure is pointless. Actually, you're just amazing if you read this because no one ever really reads my journal. or if they do, they don't comment. so comment.

Okay, Okay... I'll go write my play... *sigh* fucking homework...




























i'm going..i'm going...

-shadow-

eeyore
So, um.. I got the solo, unfourtunetly. Yeah. Emily and Ella forced me to audition, and, well... now i have to sing in front of lots and lots and lots of people. and its a horrible horrible song. And i'm going to embarrass myself. a whole lot.

and I'm doing Eeyore for my Computer's project. And yeah... class is over..i should have started this earlier.

bye.
-shadow-

Cut Up Angels

If we cut out the bad
Well then we’d have nothing left
Like I cut up your mouth
The night I stuffed it all in
And you lied to the Angel
Said I stabbed you to death
If we go at the same time
They'll clean up the mess

I lost my head
You couldn’t come
This lust to my brain almost feels like a gun

Watched you bite into the bottle
Watched me kick out the chair
Let you chew up the glass
And laughed as you just hung there
I have thought of rose petals mostly perfect and pure
Then I thought of your petals
And the abuse they’ve been through

I lost my head
You couldn’t come
This lust to my brain almost feels like a gun
You lost your head
I couldn’t come
This lust to my brain almost feels like a gun
Whoa whoa

I told the angels
Cant stay in heaven
I asked the devil
If we cut out the bad well then we'd have nothing left
Like I cut up your angels
Yeah you stabbed me to death

I lost my head
You couldn’t come
This lust to my brain almost feels like a gun
You lost your head
I couldn’t come
This lust to my brain almost feels like a gun

-The Used

Okay.. I officially love The Used.. (happy now, JJ?)

Yeah, So.. I know i said i wouldnt be online for awhile..but this is special... It's vacation..and my parents are asleep and have no idea I'm on the computer.. yes, my parents go to bed at 10:30.. go ahead and laugh..

Anyways... I hate being caught.. I really hate them knowing everything.. It's not like they read this journal or anything.. That would be my own fault, because anone can read this.. but they read a letter that was addressed to ME not them.. and then information in it was for MY EYES ONLY! MINE! NOT THEIRS..
and it said things about chris and lily.. and about my attempt.. So i made this whole thing with thu and its basicall just a really big lie and i cant kep track of the lies and the truths.

I dont know whats going on. All I know is that I am in a constant state of confusion. And to make it worse, I just completly pissed off Rachel.. I am such and idiot. Why can't I ever just stay quiet... Why do i always have to say what I think. I know what everyone else thinks about me, that I'm crazy and need help. Why can't I just agree? Rachel, if you're reading this, I'm really sorry. I didnt mean to make you mad or worried... I'm sorry...really sorry...

-shadow-