sugarmouse0587
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2005 11 August :: 9.46pm
okay, so i'm leaving this junkyard in like a little more than a week.
EXCITED!!!
anyone want to hang out?
6 bullhorns |
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sugarmouse0587
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2005 8 August :: 7.16pm
:: Mood: upset
i'm disapearing. no, seriously. i feel so fucked up. like i'm not motivated to do anything. but i hate napping and being so lame. i don't know. i just want to get out of this place and never come back. cedar springs is so depressing. my god. i just want to end it every time i drive through. and. . .he keeps getting so upset. it's not helping. even when i'm being good i feel guilty. i don't have to have reasons. i have feelings. and there's my brother who is probably the biggest asshole ever. everyone says stand up to him. . .where does that get me? crying. it's easier just to let him have his way. then my nerves are solid. and my mom makes me nervous even when she's not yelling at me. maybe that's why i'm so annoyed with her all the time. she could go off any time. and there are friends i'm neglecting. and i'm a big phony liar and i'm not very nice or anything. and i feel fat. i know i'm not, but i feel like i could be soon, but no one will exercise with me and then i can't keep it up. actually the only person who will exercise with me is a lot stronger and has more endurance and he makes me feel bad because i'm weak in the athletics department. and i don't have any money and when i do i spend it on things i don't need. i'm tired of my cell phone. not the phone itself, but having one is making me ache. i think i hate cell phones. and this whole thing is lame because it's all excuses. i'm freaking out.
4 bullhorns |
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sugarmouse0587
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2005 4 August :: 9.41pm
i think i might be prickly. like when your feet fall asleep and you get those pins and needles.
i'm also obsessive and fleeting.
i've got to talk to kerry real real bady bad
1 bullhorn |
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sugarmouse0587
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2005 31 July :: 10.35am
i have three bras.
two of them are ruined.
now i'm gonna cry.
3 bullhorns |
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sugarmouse0587
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2005 28 July :: 5.44pm
i've been waiting five years for ryan gorter to be sent to jail and it's finally happening.
12 bullhorns |
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sugarmouse0587
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2005 22 July :: 5.54pm
oh harry potter. . .i love thee.
anyone want to start a support group? i'm willing to talk about it.
5 bullhorns |
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sugarmouse0587
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2005 15 July :: 5.51pm
i think i'm growing.
3 bullhorns |
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sugarmouse0587
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2005 29 June :: 4.25pm
Dani Lauer's Open House was totally rockin'!!!!!!!!!!!!!11
totoot toot tooot ttooooooootttt tooooottttttt
I wish Kathy was my mommmmmmmm!!!!!!1
rrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrr\
totototottoootooooottttttttt
toot!
1 bullhorn |
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sugarmouse0587
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2005 21 June :: 4.30pm
Floating and fighting, like a kite on a string
Till you cut through my tether and changed everything
From the sky you looked small, but I loved you the same
So I darted back quickly to spell out your name
And when they say that I'm just a terrible kite
You'll tell them you're proud of my loveless flight
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sugarmouse0587
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2005 15 June :: 8.33pm
oh gody god
it can't even be possible. but you know. it would be hilarious in a very sad way.
but not really. it would be the more horrible thing. EVER.
i can't hide. and. oh. i have to be something.
i won't be the girl from cedar springs.
3 bullhorns |
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sugarmouse0587
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2005 11 June :: 9.56pm
:: Music: vertical horizon-the best i've ever had
So things are cool. . .
My mom and I are getting along. Here's the trick. I make it seem like I'm busy and I run around for her a lot and talk to her and she seems to leave me alone. And it's not so bad. She's just lonely I think.
Jake and I have stopped fighting. and things are just very nice nice nice.
My open house is tomorrow which means some money for some things.
I have a roomate who is not crazy and she knows my stepsister
aaron is gone
my car is working
it rained a little bit
i have bangs
someone noticed my very intense eyes
i'm not sad about band camp or school or anything
i don't have anemia, lukemia or mono. i just need to eat more meat.
i signed up for my classes
i'm not being a bad babysitter for the most part
so here's the usual vagueness
today is the anniversary of your death and
i celebrate
with
enthusiasm
i will bury you with
duct tape
thank you
thank you
thank you
for closing the door
no
slamming
abrupt
and throwing the deadbolt
and while i pounded
until my
fists were bloody
all over the unwelcome mat
then YOU crawled through the window
and
i wasn't disapointed
gush
8 bullhorns |
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sugarmouse0587
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2005 3 June :: 9.51am
:: Music: fallout boy-grand theft autunm
I am going to lose it. Not even joking.
I thought things were going really good. I just graduated, I have cool friends, everything is pretty great on the boyfriend front and I thought my mother finally calmed down.
But no. Underneath all of that niceness she's harboring her bullshit. I can't even describe it that's how completely stupid everything is. I guess she expects me to spend my whole summer vacation cleaning. That's not happening. I do my chores. I do what she asks me. I drive A-ron around. I only ask her for money when it's totally nessesary. I try to whine less and I don't talk about how I don't love Jesus. I did my invitations. I'm working on the picture thing for my open house.I'm even trying to organize all the photos so we can be a happy family again.
I don't get it.
and the job thing. I've applied at Great Day, D&W, Meijer, Arbys, Tractor Supply, Movie Gallery, Kohls (twice) Debs, Rue 21, Shulers, and I don't know where else. I've picked up applications to like everywhere in Cedar.
Everyone MIGHT be looking at apps in a few weeks. So I go in or call to see how that's going. Oh, still looking. They'll call me. Not.
Arbys says my availitbilyt sucks even though I can work weekends and every day of the week, just not during the day on Monday and Tuesday.
Meijer? Who knows.
Bath and Body Works wasn't interested.
To work part time at Kohls you have to have open availability and I was willing to give up babysittting to do that. But now they're not hiring.
What the deal? Seriously. I'm qualified and I like working.
And I'm getting better. I go to the therepy. I take the medicine. I do breathing. I go into crowds and I try not to flip out. I didn't even cry when she yelled at me last night.
I don't want to live with my dad. I don't want to have two transitions this summer. But is that my only option? I don't want to punish my mother. I love her and everything she does. But why can't she relax and just accept who I am, an absentminded procrastinator? I seem to manage don't I?
Or maybe I'm missing something and I'm the bad one. I'm lazy and selfish and demanding.
oh my.
5 bullhorns |
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sugarmouse0587
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2005 29 May :: 2.35pm
Open House
June 12th
1-5pm
636-4135
call for directions!
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sugarmouse0587
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2005 7 February :: 10.02am
it's not a handicap, it makes me feel safer.
i'm pissed.
and if it wouldn't be weird i'd crawl under the desk right now.
2 bullhorns |
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sugarmouse0587
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2005 16 January :: 11.30am
It is beauty.
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