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m&ms487
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2006 18 April :: 8.08pm
It occured to me yesterday that everyone I know is painfully normal. There is nothing special about any of us. There are one hundred other people out there with the exact same talents and skills as any one of us. What makes us think we are anything to be proud of? The only thing that sets us apart are our experiences, but hell, who cares about experiences if you can't fit them into a concise paragraph along with your hopes and dreams and plan of the future?
I found out a few weeks ago that I was accepted into the Grand Valley State University School of Music to study for a degree in Music (performance) or Music Education.
It appears I have everything figured out. It would be wonderful if I really did.
Today was a horrible day. I don't know exactly why. It was just the feeling I had about it. Everything seemed so real, so acute, so harsh. It's hard to explain. It seems like the good days float by with a cloud of superficiality, nothing really grabs hold so much as just grazes by. It's like a bullet being shot that whizzes about your head. You realized it would hurt if you were struck, it might even be fatal, but because it didn't strike, it's almost not real. You are left with no physical reminder of it's presence. It can be soon forgotten, there was no true impact on your life.
Being struck with that bullet is a different story. You must live with the pain and reminder of it every day. It digs into your body, as much as into your soul. It's there, it's real.
That's what today seemed like. Real.
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lil_bill06
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2006 8 April :: 5.37pm
I got another tattoo. It's chinese for music, on my right foot.
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lil_bill06
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2006 7 April :: 7.32pm
Updating now, I haven't done so in a while. I now officially hate 6 people that I otherwise liked before. I don't know what to do about half of them. 2 of them were like my best friends but not anymore. Oh well their loss, not mine.
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m&ms487
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2006 26 March :: 6.26pm
get off of it bitch.
you need to stop going after what will never be yours.
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m&ms487
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2006 26 March :: 6.22pm
i feel like i need to escape, or i need an escape.
whatever.
so much bullshit. of course my happy little world will come crashing down, what more could be expected?
i'm going to prom with josh.
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m&ms487
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2006 23 March :: 6.51pm
Saturday is state, i'm pretty nervous. I have my GVSU music auditions next saturday, so I'll get everything out of the way so I can enjoy my spring break. At this point I don't really care how I do at state, just so I can get it over with.
During the meaps today my english class was combined with a modern lit class. There was this kid who was bugging the shit out of me because he was suppose to be writing a paper, but didn't know how to do it. So I turned around (because of course I wasn't going to do any of the work I was suppose to be doing) and I helped him write his paper. The kid was a junior and didn't even know you could incorporate a quotation from a book into your own sentence. So, I helped him write a couple of paragraphs. He just didn't know how to say what he wanted to say. I bet when he gets his paper back it's better than a C he'll be surprised. It made me wonder just how some people can get so far in our education system and fail so badly. I really did like working with him, however, and it kept me busy for an hour.
Syrinx is going good, and I'm excited for the end of my senior year. The future is getting less scary the farther I travel. That's a good thing, a very good thing.
michelle
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Upchuck
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2006 6 March :: 6.11pm
So we're looking at stuff for my vacation in June. We plan on going to Beaver Island and I am really excited, but kind of scared at the same time. I'm worried that she's not goin to love it. I'm worried that it won't be the same to me now that it was when I was younger. The island was always a place to get away for me and I would spend hour after hour dreaming about living on the island.
Which brings me to the strange mood that I've been in most of the day. I think everything has been contributing to it all day. It kind of started with the Tyra Banks Show. Yes, I was flipping and I saw LL Cool J, so I stopped. But he was talking about learning to value yourself. Learning to ask for that promotion at work, or thinking that your not smart enough to take a certain class. He said that you have to realize your worth as ahuman being. I think sometimes I underestimate that. Plus, I was listening to Switchfoot today and the lyrics just hit me. We were meant to live for so much more. Am I living each day the way I want to live it? And everytime I ask myself that question I say no. But does everyone say no? It's not that I'm not happy, but my life is not where it is.
Sometimes I believe that my dreams for my life are a little impractical. I look at other people and they have solid career goals and they have practical professions in mind. I don't. I am the master of being practical, but when it comes to my dreams, I am not practical in the least.
And to all these questions and doubts, only time will answer my questions.
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atman
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2006 27 February :: 10.58am
:: Music: Radio
ZOMG! He isn't dead?!
No, I'm not dead yet. I'm just...uh...busy...with...college stuff. You wouldn't understand! DON'T JUDGE ME!!!
Actually, Central is trying to keep me as busy as possible with the dumbest stuff possible. We have floor wars going on, which means all the floors in our building are in competition with each other. When I asked why at a mandatory floor meeting as to why we couldn't compete against other buildings on campus, the head chick literally said, "That would just be idiotic and pointless!" ZOUNDS!
At any rate, classes are going poorly. Not because I don't understand, but mostly because I'm bored out of my skull, and I'm very disappointed. I took astronomy because it interested me as a child, and this slack-jawed junkslut of a teacher has managed to put me asleep three times. But thats ok, his personal best was putting about 30 kids to sleep in about 20 minutes. Do you realize that he is going at a rate FASTER than one kid a minute?! My english teacher likes to tell me that I have a tone that makes my tone too conversational. When she told me how to fix it and I told her that I didn't want to write like an elitist asshole...well, we had a nice long conference. My honors psych teacher is cool, I guess. He is kinda weird, but hell, he is a psychologist, so I went in there expecting him to be very weird. My art class is gone, for those of you who don't know. I sucked too hard and figured there was no way I was going to get the drawing skills I wanted from doing still life projects.
Lets see...my birthday is coming up pretty soon. March 11 and I'll be 20. I don't really care, but there are presents and money, and like the sterotype suggests, YES, as a college kid, I'll take any and all freebies.
Our mare finally gave birth the other day...that is a female horse, for all of you staring at my screen blankly. Its this cool looking tan baby, with one white sock on its front left leg, and its face has a big ol' piece of white on its face. My dad wants to put either moon or dashin in its name because those are parts of the names from the father and mother. When I suggested 'moonfire spam' and laughed, I remembered not everyone is a world of warcraft nerd...
At any rate, I am going to start using this site from now on. I mean it this time. I want to get back in touch with Chris, Liz, possibly Moe, if he hasn't killed himself on his skateboard yet.
To all those named CHRIS BEST, please call me on my cell phone. I deleted your number, and would like to work out a time to hang out with you again.
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m&ms487
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2006 26 February :: 7.46pm
:: Mood: scared
:: Music: Handel - Messiah
It's quite cold in my house right now. Maybe I'm just the one that's cold.
Finished reading Madame Bovary. It's a very interesting novel. It reminds me of a quote that I heard on a show a little while back that didn't even make it a full season:
"Men are romantics pretending to be realists and women are realists who pretend to be romantics."
I remember hearing that and it struck me. I'm not quite sure I know exactly HOW it struck me, it just did. I believe it's very true. Very realistic. It must have been thought of by a woman......
I'm very scared about the next few months. I'm so busy. But sometimes that really works out because I use that little time that i have a lot more wisely. I don't sit down and watch tv for a few hours, I get my homework done because I know that when I get that done it will be time to go to sleep, then time to wake up and go to school or work and do the same thing all over again. I like how it keeps me busy. I just get tired sometimes. I get scared that I won't be able to get what needs to be done done. I need to memorize my scales very badly. I have exactlly 29 days before S and E and limited time before my auditions for the school of music. I wish I had memorized them when I was in middle school, it's so hard now. I hate our education system. They keep the fine arts, but only enough to the point where students know where they need to get after all of it to make things happen, but they don't have the training they need to make it, and they know it. I know it. I met so many talented people at honors band. They knew so much. I felt like I was in sixth grade again. I think I was more naturally inclined than most, but they had training, and that's all that matters. They've had tons of music theory, expensive private lessons, and opportunities to perform and support from their school that I can't even imagine. I get told by people every day that I just need to settle for how horrible some people in our music program are, and I know how good people can be, how "good" i am, but compared to everyone else out there, how far behind I am and how much more ahead I could be if only I had those few opportunities, and now here I am, almost at the end of the line, getting ready to jump off the airplane and I don't even know how to work my parachute. It might as well be a suicide jump.
But I can't settle, because I know that when I get there it'll all be worthwhile, but can I get there? How? That's my question.
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lil_bill06
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2006 25 February :: 6.03pm
Bored
Yeah, I haven't posted on here in a long time. Since the last time I've posted I've gotten two tattoos, two piercings, and I had my 18th Birthday. I got a tattoo on my foot that is "soul" in chinesse, I got one on my back that is a treble clef and has some tribal stuff around it. Then I got my eyebrow pierced and the inside of my ear pierced.
Valentine's day sucked. I hate not having anyone. Out of the two people I like, one has a girlfriend and the other doesn't want a girlfriend, even though he claims he really likes me. I'm still confused about that. I hate being so lonely.
*tear*
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m&ms487
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2006 29 January :: 5.59pm
solo and ensemble went well
Rob and mine's duet was SO GOOD.
we got a one
and I got a one on my solo......
:)
summer got a one too. I'm very proud of her.
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m&ms487
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2006 26 January :: 6.56pm
Your ignorance cramps my conversation. ~Anthony Hope
"Ya, it's the goth kids"
"no,it's more of the emo kids that do it"
"ya, fucking always want attention"
What little arrogant bitches.
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upchuck
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2006 22 January :: 6.34pm
Kim got married last week. I guess that's the end of that.
So I was on the way home from Mica's grandparents house tonight and I had several thoughts, but there was one that particularly bothered.
It was, Am I doomed to live life like the little boy that I used to be? Not understanding social situations, therefore avoiding them because I don't feel comfortable?
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m&ms487
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2006 20 January :: 9.23am
Last day of the semester! I'm very excited.
No more AP Biology.
Now: Bioethics
An interesting switch.
I had a lesson with linda last night. It went better than I expected. I'm doing very well on my solo now, a lot better :).
I have an english test today. Five reading assignments in two days and then a test. Odd?
I just had some bacon and mushroom pizza and a cup of mountain dew listening to banter abroad. Pep band tonight, I'm not going home after school, but rather staying after with my flute ensemble to practice and going to subway and then coming back to school for pep band. It's going to be long day. But, that pizza WAS good.
michelle
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m&ms487
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2006 12 January :: 7.57pm
:: Mood: complacent
:: Music: Syrinx by Debussy
I'm listening to syrinx by debussy, which is my solo for solo and ensemble. I think I've gotten myself in fairly deep this time, I have two weeks to learn it to a good level. That means listening to different recordings of it many times a day a practicing for god knows how long. That reminds me, I have to go to the KDL website and find the recordings of it.
Semester is almost done with. That's a good thing, I think. I'm looking forward to bioethics. Eventhough it's a college class, I'm fairly sure I'll enjoy it quite a bit more than AP bio. I'm still stuck with Dolbee for AP lit, but I guess I can suffer through for another semester.
My duet with Rob (and with Jenny's accompiment) is going along quite well for the challenging level of it. It's not too hard in sections, but all together it's quite imposing, at least for me. It has a ton of runs and whatnot.
Today was sunny and warm and I was pleased with it.
Perhaps later.
Michelle
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