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m&ms487
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2005 7 April :: 3.32pm
I'm listening to "Jesus Christ Superstar"....on record.
It's so old school. Yeaaah maann. *takes drag from joint*
They use a lot of bass in the pit. I guess that's what you get with a rock musical, huh?
Work was excruciating slow today. I don't have to work again until Saturday.
Well I suppose I should do some homework or something....hmm...how about..no.
-michelle-
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m&ms487
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2005 7 April :: 7.56am
I just woke up about ten minutes ago. Blah. I have to work at 10:00am until 2:30. Last night I had to work until 10:30. It wasn't too bad. I'm glad it didn't rain last night. I had to clear the lot of carts. Blah. I hate carts.
Tomorrow Rueben and I are going to the mall. Yay! I like walking around and looking at things, just being around people. I mean, usually I hate people, but hey, if they don't open their stupid mouths, then I probably won't have too much of a problem.
Spring break is halfway over with. It's really going to suck going back to school. These past few days have felt like summer vacation, and I even caught myself imagining them as such a few times. But, alas, I must return to school come Tuesday.
I went and saw Stacy before my Tuesday lessons. She said I had a job back there as soon as school gets out! It's not the best job in the world, but it's better than Meijer.
I don't believe I'm going to quit Meijer, though, although having two jobs was quite conflicting last summer.
Oh well.
-michelle-
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cowsgomoo!!!
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2005 6 April :: 11.45am
all right, i'll give you all an update, i know it's long overdue!
Spring Break- Hasnt been to bad... havent really done much. On Friday i went to grand rapids to pick up some books, and then on Saturday i went to the club with Mike, Amanda, Zac, Kelly, and Autumn , and we might go again tonight. I dunno if im gonna go though. It wasnt worth 10 dollars.
Um.. other than that, break has been pretty uneventful.
-me
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cowsgomoo!!!
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2005 4 April :: 9.42pm
wow, havent posted here in awhile......um.. break is okay. im here and everything's on track. yeah, thats about it.
-me
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upchuck
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2005 31 March :: 11.25am
Well I'm going to say things. And most of you can ignore them, because you all don't post. Now Jessa has been great, giving me tons of material on my friends page, so now I will respond to her (sorry Steph, your life just seems to crazy and similar to mine to say much).
It's really weird how all our lives intersected for that brief moment in time that we call high school. That you, the crazy flirty girl that you described, was who I know you as. The person that you represent in your journal now, it's like someone I wouldn't even recognize. I definitely know that if I were to see you now, all inpregnated and stuff, I definitely wouldn't recognize you. I don't think that the evaluation that you took represents the idea that I have of you. It may very well represent you, but not of the girl who I knew. It was so long ago wasn't it? But not long in time terms. You showed me what platonic love could be. The basic understanding, and empathy for another person. All I could do is laugh when I watched you fall for another guy that I had introduced you to. I see it all now. you talk about Marty's former girlfriends. Sarah and I were great friends. Despite all her flaws, and she had many, we were still friends. And I saw her on Red Flannel Day, and the conversation we had. The evolution of friendship that people experience is amazing. I know my thoughts are nowhere near coherent. BUt they are my thoughts nonetheless. We are, you and I, destined for great things. And for fear of someone taking it the wrong way, it's not about us. You and I even, and that time in high school. It's about all of us, that unique group of people at a time that, even in our foggiest imagination we couldn't imagine the present. Us, me you and Brianna at the lunch table, could we imagine where we are now and what our relationship with each other is. Us, me you and Andy, in my living room while you were trying to bring him out of his shell. Us, me and you sitting in your living room, no words being spoken, but just you understanding the pain. We couldn't imagine what life had in store for us, what God had in store for us. Friends change, but do friendships? I hope I have provoked thought because, despite of scientific evidence to back the claim, it's good for your kid.
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m&ms487
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2005 28 March :: 8.48pm
:: Mood: sad
I desperately want to talk to you. Where are you?
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lil_bill06
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2005 26 March :: 3.03pm
:: Mood: annoyed
:: Music: rollin on the river
boys
Boys suck. They have no clue how a girls mind works. All guys think about it sex and alcohol. Why can't they appreciate what we girls do. I sure wish that Addison would. We're starting to work things out but not very well. I wish that things were better then they are. I wish that i could just run away. I wish that I understood what Addison thinks about. I wish I could understand the logic that Addison uses. I wish that Addison does the things he says he does. I wish that my life was perfect. I wish that I had everything I want. SOMEBODY HELP ME!!!!!!!!!!!!
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Upchuck
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2005 24 March :: 6.53pm
So here we go again. Another teenage gunmen. You know, it bores me to read the press coverage. They interview the popular kids at school. "oh he was a freak." "He listened to heavy metal and was, like, a goth." It's so stupid. These adults all have this view that their kids are perfect little angels at school. They have no clue. High school is such hell. I think the funny thing is that I fit the description of all these guys to a T, with a few exceptions. 1. I have a stable family 2. I don't wear dark clothes. Other than that I was the atypical teen gunman.
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m&ms487
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2005 24 March :: 1.51pm
So I gave blood today. My arm still hurts a bit, but all is good.
The antiseptic tickled. haha.
It's getting warmer out. It's actually warm in here (school) for once. Huh. Interesting.
I guess Mr. Pilar sent Mr. Andrus an email saying that a student told him he was putting paper towel over the thermostat. Mr. Andrus is not heating his room anymore.
Band is going okay. The next big thing is fine arts night.
You know, it doesn't even seem worth it. No one knows. No one cares.... I just do it and then it's gone.
Well, whatever.
No school tomorrow.
Work 3:30 - 7:30.
Blah. I haven't worked in like two weeks.
Get to see Rueben tonight. That will be extraordinarily wonderful. I don't know why. It just will be.
michelle
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upchuck
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2005 23 March :: 6.10pm
So I don't know what I am going to do. I got an email from my professor today telling me that if I miss three more classes I'm going to fail. But wait, oh yeah, I already am going to fail. I should really go talk to her, but I can't bring myself to do it. I know it's me. I know I am the reason I'm failing. And I'm just not willing to do the things that it takes to learn. Maybe it's not even that I'm not willing, it's just that I can't. I can't do it, it's not possible. I don't quit on things. When I don't do well at things I realize that I'm not good at them and move on. Right now, I just want to move on. I just don't want anyone to be mad at me. I don't want to piss the prof. off. Maybe I just give too much of a shit. Other class I could pull a cat and a rabbit out of the bag and be fine, but not in this one. No way. That just makes my night. I had other things I wanted to talk about, but that's it.
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upchuck
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2005 22 March :: 10.07am
Well I guess no one actually cares about my whiny little life.
I'm in a different mood than I was in last night. I have a sense of accomplishment now. I finished the paper. I worked on it for abour 1:15 last night and then woke up this morning and pounded out on it for another half an hour, bringing my grand total to
1:45
My balls hurt, just in case you were wondering. I don't know why either. huh.
Anyways,I spent that much time and I'm sure that the whiny little kid who is in my class that hasn't hit puberty yet because his voice hasn't changed and he squeeks everything (I think I spelled squeak wrong(you can also tell that I really don't like this kid because I'm going on and on and on and on and on (smacks self up side head to stop the skipping record) and on)). He is so annoying. He had the nerve to tell me that I didn't have enough "textual" evidence to support my argument when he had one single citation and his paper was slightly over ONE PAGE long. I had fourteen citations FOURTEEN and he had the nerve to tell me I didn't have enough. It's a good thing I never see that kid outside of school. I would throw him up against a wall so hard. UGH. It's like the time I wanted to smash someones head into a brick wall, yeah, that bad. Anyway. I think I'm done now and I don't think that "Anyway" is a sentence to itself either.
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Upchuck
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2005 21 March :: 11.31pm
Today I just got so scared. So scared of the future. What the hell am I going to do?
I'm sick of school and I don't want to go anymore. I want a life away from my life. I want to be like Matt and Angie and Alex and not have to realize the potential that I have. I want to waste my life.
That also brought me to another scary thought that I've been having: what if this is it? What if I've made my mark on the world and just flamed out? I don't know how I could live with that.
It's really strange, but now that I'm with her I actually feel more alone. I feel like there is no one that I can really talk to that doesn't have a motive for me. I could talk to her, but I know she has a motive. Plus, I don't want to be that serious already. I mean, we are getting more serious than we were before is some ways, but I don't want to become emotionally serious yet. That's just too much.
So I've got a paper due in 9 hours and I haven't even started it. I feel like not doing it.
I'm hating going to my Spanish class and I'm contemplating not ever going again. I'm going to fail, I might as well do a good job of it. And what does it say about me that I just want to give up? I want to give it all up and just be a lazy drifter with no future, no potential, free to do what I want when I want to. I don't think I'm cut out for that, but I don't think that I'm cut out for the life I"m living either. I'm going to go cry, perhaps sleep a little, perhaps write a little.
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m&ms487
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2005 20 March :: 9.06am
I'm glad it's all done with. The musical, solo ensemble.....it's all done!
It's sad, yes, but now I can have some of my OWN time. That's nice.
Well, solo ensemble went pretty well yesterday. I got a 90 (out of 100) on my solo, so that was a one. My judge was really nice. I can't wait to see what she wrote on my form. Our quartet judge was really really mean. I almost started crying when I left the room. It was horrible. She didn't say one nice thing (without being sarcastic). She was really rude, and I don't think calling one of the most beautiful flute quartet arrangements in the world "not substantial enough" and "too easy" is just horrible. I don't see why people can't look past difficultly and horrible runs and high notes and see the beauty in a piece of music. If they can't do that, they shouldn't be a professional musician, and certainly NOT teach it.
Needless to say the quartet got a two.
Rueben and I went out to the corner bar for dinner. Haha, deep fried dill pickles, yum!
I love that boy. He means the world to me.
The musical went okay last night. I'm pretty glad I didn't stick around for the cast party. I've already shed enough tears and have been upset enough this month.
(Toccata just came on my musicmatch media player, haha, i love that song!)
I went over to Rueben's house after the musical. It was really nice to spend some time with him. It's been quite hectic this past week, culminating in yesterday. It's just nice to lay in someones arms and not have to worry about anything.
See everyone Monday!
michelle
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cowsgomoo!!!
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2005 19 March :: 11.57am
:: Mood: i dont know how to feel right now
i just hit the lowest point i've been in in awhile. and usually, when i hit a low, i just go and hang out with a few friends and not care. but i care about her!!! i dont want to accept the fact that she doesnt care about me! i CANT accept it. but the thing is, i dont know how she feels. i dont see her at all, and when i do, i feel great! but it seems like she avoids me at all costs. im just a backup, if that. just the guy that treats her right and buys her stuff. usually, i wouldnt mind, but usually i dont care. i care this time and i HATE IT!!!!
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upchuck
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2005 16 March :: 12.57pm
I'm still in this kind of limbo, trying to navigate my way between two things that I think would severely disappoint me.
Kim and I are back together. They all said that it wouldn't take long and they were right. I love her, I really do. However, there is this weird feeling that I have, kind of a doubt about the future. The hard thing is that I convinced myself that she didn't want me. I convinced myself that there was nothing wrong with my life before she came along, so why was I so depressed when we broke up, nothing had really changed right? And now I'm having trouble with the opposite aspect. I was getting over her. I was healing, in fact, I was getting used to not having a girlfriend. All the things that you can do as a single guy, but not when you're in a relationship, like flirting with girls and thinking about them in different ways. It's strange because part of me doesn't want to lose that. I kind of feel like there is nothing wrong with my life before she came along so why should I change my life because of her. So I walk the line, trying not to do anything that is going to upset her, abut at the same time still maintaining my individuality and not isolating myself in the confines of our relationship.
We talked about just having fun and not letting things get too serious. But I realized that it's a cop out on my part. I don't want to let things get too serious so that she doesn't have the power to hurt me again. I don't want to give that to her willingly this time. Yes, I'm a different person than I was four months ago. I don't think she thinks that we can just go back to the way we were, but some of the things she does seems like it. Obviously I don't want to go back to the way things were because there was a reason that she ended up with him anyway. Things are kind of confusing right now, but I just need to remember to not let these little nagging quesitons bother me, and just keep livin'.
BTW, I think I've failed my Spanish class. I don't think I have the brain anymore to get a new language. Or at least the way that they teach it here. It's very remedial, and I am very used to the pace in college. I need to know when things are due, sooner than the day before, because I just don't have time. I need to have concepts and ways of thinking about things to keep me engaged. Learning the language the way they teach it is like learning your multiplication tables. If you have the necessary background you can do it, but if you can't you feel inadequate and develop a bad attitude which only leads to less partcipation and learning. How I know all these things and can still be failing the class I have no idea, but it's a test of my redmedialness (if that's even a word) more than it is a test of my intelligence or true ability to learn the language.
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