Upchuck
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2005 25 January :: 10.40am
So I don't know what to do anymore. I woke up at 3:30am and couldn't go back to sleep. I thought and I cried. Last night was difficult. Work seems to be getting the better of me. Finally I began thinking of Friday night when I was talking to Dani. About thinking about things and not being able to wrap your mind around them. And I was calm. I stopped crying, I stopped thinking about how much I hate myself and what I have done wrong. It was like God was telling me that I don't have to understand, that it's okay. That I will never understand His love, but His love will always be there. Then I fell asleep around 4:30am. Then i woke up at 6:30am and it started all over again. I got up and I cried. I called work, got bitched out, hung up and I cried. I went to see Mr. Smith, only he didn't know about Adam, so I told him. I left there and I cried. Right now I feel like crying. I don't know what is wrong with me. I could bust out of this shell and be me. The wierd me, the one that many of you know. The one that notices the three hot chicks sitting next to me. The one that notices that white G-string the blonde is wearing. But there is nothing there. No way to make that humorous or even slightly intriguing to me. And that is that.
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m&ms487
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2005 24 January :: 3.23pm
This is going to be a very looong week. I work tonight until ten thirty, or until the lot is clean, but i don't think they can keep me much past that because i'm a minor. Tomorrow I have lessons after school in Howard City. Wednesday I have a debate meeting and pit practice. Thursday, all work for my solo and ensemble things. We're playing them for the class Thursday. Friday debate, and maybe something else. And, in the culmination, I get to wake up at five thirty Saturday morning to go to Mona Shores for district solo and ensemble. My first performance (piccolo duet) is at 8:08 am. My solo is around 9:30, and our quartet is at 11:27am. Then I'm done. Done Done Done Done Done.
I really can't wait.
Well, then I'll probably have state solo and ensemble, which, of course, is the day after the last day of the show, which i have pit rehearsal EVERY DAY for the two weeks before. Where is all the time?
Oh, and flute choir is comming up.
Oh my.
Well, no one can say that I'm not well rounded in my extra curricular activities and work experiences.
I actually miss those days when I came home from school and watched tv and was bored. I always wished I had some activity to do, something that was fun.
I think I bit over did myself, don't you?
Ah, well, going to go eat something and straighten my hair. And watch tv, and relax, and chill, and whatever.....just not think about going to work and how cold and horrible it's going to be clearing the lot by myself.
ughh.
-michelle-
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upchuck
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2005 23 January :: 1.24am
So I finally did it. At 6:00am this morning I called Kim. Yeah, I know, it may seem kind of wierd, but that's probably the only time that I could say what I had to say to her that she would actually listen and not blow me off. I told her about how even though I am so pissed at her right now that when I tell someone I love them I mean it. I may be pissed at her, but I still care. The more I think about it, the more I realize that I didn't need to do that for our relationship, but I needed to do it for me. But then she had to go and screw it up. She left me a note at work saying that "what you talked about works both ways." WTF? What is that supposed to mean? I don't know, and I'm not about to ask. It was hard enough swallowing my pride to call her this morning. The whole situation just pisses me off, but you all know that and it's time that I just stop and get over it.
On another note, it was hard to hear that. After spending time with them, and not knowing him personally it's hard. I know his brother and his sister pretty well. You just have to ask yourself what has to drive someone to kill themselves. So, to echo the sentiments I heard on another journal, Rest In Peace Adam. May God watch over you and your family and give them peace and wisdom.
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cowsgomoo!!!
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2005 23 January :: 12.48am
Your element is Shadow: Indifferent, unusual,
gentle and a complete mystery. No one tends to
know quite what to think of you because you
camouflage your emotions so incredibly well,
almost as well as your thoughts. You are
unpredictable in that no one knows exactly what
your going to do or what your capable of and
you've made sure they never will. You are quite
the wallflower but deep down inside is a kind
and very intelligent person. You are capable of
love but unless you let some light into your
shadowed life you'll have a hard time with your
relationships. People are a mystery only
because they all seem too superficial, you
would rather be somewhere else, away from all
the noise perhaps putting your feelings into a
form of art, maybe writing your feelings into a
poem or journal, or perhaps painting a picture.
The shadows make you feel comfortable and you
don't like to step outside your comfort zone or
let anyone else in, the spotlight terrifies
you. You are truly a mystery.
.:-|What is your true element?|-:. -With Anime Pictures and detailed answers-
brought to you by Quizilla
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cowsgomoo!!!
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2005 22 January :: 8.57pm
hey everyone, im back. miss me? i didnt think so. but anyways...its good to be back. really, it is. but anyways......i've been busy. done alot of stuff, both stupid and......well, mostly stupid. um.. yeah, i dont have much to say.......
im gone,
-me
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upchuck
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2005 19 January :: 4.56pm
Idiots, that's all I've got to say. Why is my journal time on central standard, I don't know.
Stupid people on mlive talkin' about what happened in DC. This one chick was like "she should find a good American boy." How racist. I'm sorry but until America starts to realize that we all have a stake in this country and stop demean other people, we will go nowhere.
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m&ms487
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2005 19 January :: 7.00am
Well another snow day....when am I ever going to get my AP chem exam done?
Well, this morning was nice. I woke rueben up a little bit ago because he spent the night, with all the to do over his dad and all, and Zach came and got him a few minutes ago to carpool to GRCC.
It's really wonderful seening the person you love first thing in the morning, even if we don't exactly looking our chipperest.
Now I'm listening to flute music and freezing my ass off in this corner.
I hope this does something for Manwel (okay, i really don't know how to spell it, but that's how you say it).
And Ema. I bet he did a lot of this for her. She's the cutest baby I've ever seen.
-michelle-
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Upchuck
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2005 18 January :: 6.37pm
This is a Charlie news update:
I know who the man is that is threatening to blow up a bomb near the White House. I'm sure most of you that are reading this know him to, or at least his relations. I am not at liberty to say who it is yet. Follow this journal throughout the night for further updates.
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upchuck
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2005 18 January :: 1.59pm
I feel old now. There are people on Woohu who didn't exist in the 1980's. That is scary. How long will it be before some of us long time users can be considered "old" timers.
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upchuck
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2005 18 January :: 1.49pm
So, I've gotten back to being myself. I'm not all pissed off all the time anymore, although I have been slightly depressed lately, because of some pretty depressing news.
Talked with Brianna last night. It was good, what I needed. I did come realize that I have many more close Christian friends than I had realized, and that made things feel better.
Relationship wise, I am searching. The problem is that between Shari and Kim I really wasn't seeking a relationship. Sure, I was lonely and perhaps I would have liked to have had someone, but it wasn't something I was actively seeking. Well, at least not until Connie came along and changed all that. But now, I don't need anymore time to get over this. Yes, it was shorter, I am still mad, but the depth isn't there because there isn't anything I need to wrestle with in my own conscience. Which I guess is a good thing. I'm just afraid that by searching, I am going to end up with the wrong girl. That my wants and needs will supercede God's will for me. It's a difficult conundrum.
Ashley was right all along when she said that I needed to turn my focus back to God. It's just at that point I was being stubborn. I didn't want to. I don't know how I felt, perhaps almost injured by Him. But not anymore.
Things get clearer everyday. I see that things aren't going to work out for me in some respects. I'm already preparing my options because I don't think that this is going to last much longer. It's taking a toll on me, plus I'm still only 20, will be 21 in June. I haven't seen enough to be tied down. Plus there are things that I want to do, that maintaining the these things won't let me do when the time comes.
So there is a quick update. time to hop the bus downtown so I can go home.
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upchuck
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2005 18 January :: 1.37pm
Why is it that so many people have so many problems? There are so many nasty things to get involved in. I just feel like us humans aren't much different than a herd of buffalo, except dumber. We start to stampede, running, who knows where. Then we reach a cliff and most of us just keep running and end up falling off that cliff. No matter what it might be, drugs, alcohol, sex, we just keep running, like it's all going to be okay. But the rest of us, the few that don't fall over the edge, we are the smarter ones. The ones that said, "No we will not let ourselves die mindlessly." We would rather face our fears and our insecurities than running from them and destroying ourselves in the process.
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m&ms487
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2005 18 January :: 7.37am
:: Mood: calm
So we have a two hour delay for some unknown reason.
This means I'll have a lot less time to complete my AP chem exam, that's only half finished (after 2 days of working on it).
This means that I got an extra hour of sleep, I'll be awake when I get to school, and I get to catch up on Good Morning American.
Gotta love those 66 year old women who give birth and those college presidents who say women don't have the aptitude to be at the top of the science and mathmatical fields.
I think he was from Harvard, but how should I know? According to him, I probably don't have the aptitidue to listen to the tv.
Ah, well, have to go and straighten my hair into oblivion. I swear someday all my hair is just going to fall out because I do so much crap to it. Oh well, then I can just give more away to locks of love.
-michelle-
p.s. First day without modern business!!!!!!!!!!!
I feel like a new person.
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upchuck
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2005 17 January :: 12.31am
When you find something out that has already happened, why do you always think of a way to make up for it now?
So I found somethings out tonight. Things that border on the edge of me losing this precious balance of contentment that I hold. Things that would actually cause me to cry myself to sleep.
I don't know if they don't understand this about me, or that I'm just part of a bigger world which tells them the way I feel is not possible. When I tell someone that I love them I mean that.
My love knows no bounds, and it's not conditional. That's why I fought it for so long the first time. Because of what I knew it would mean. But they don't understand. They don't understand the depth, the connection. There is very little that I wouldn't do for either of them if they asked. These tears sting.
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m&ms487
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2005 14 January :: 12.02pm
It's all so close. No. Yes. No.
Such little things can hold you back, if you let them. Circumstances.
It's been so cold today.
I wish it would go away.
Exams are the worst things ever invented by mankind.
Especially AP Chemistry exams.
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m&ms487
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2005 11 January :: 12.18pm
I swear I wanted to die last night. I have hardly ever been so.....fucked up?
Today is a long day. I woke up at 4:30am to memorize my drama thing, and go in early for a history test. After school is a band trip meeting, and then I have to drive to Howard City to give lessons. Finally I should be home around 6pm. I want to sleep then.
I'm having a bit better day today, but still tired.
michelle
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