my new favorite song.
so... exams. i d k what to say about it all. almost nobody updated last night. was everyone studying? today is probably the easiest exam day. english and art was easier than i thought they would be. and it was just good. minus the painful (beauty is pain.) shoes and the irritating contacts. i dont know what to say. i love everyone? but i guess u know that already. i can't wait for school to be over. i need to do volunteer hours over break. but still. sigh. i need a vacation! and ... i want something for xmas... you.

*every time i turn around, i think i’ve got it all figured out. my heart keeps calling, and i keep on falling, over and over again. this set story always ends the same; me standin in the pouring rain. it seems no matter what i do... it tears my heart in two.*

excuse that last journal. i got angry last night.
sigh. just came back from a fun day at the park. twas janyll's sweet 16. so many people didnt show up, it wasnt even funny. but we had madd fun anyways! it made me happy. it was like a movie. we played in the rain, pouring water and ice all over each other and attempting to slide down the hill. it was great. seeing people soaking wet and cover in silly string made up for all the absences. i love this weekend. although i didnt get to spend much time with my lover, danielle. i miss her. but it was a great weekend that made me forget about school altogether. sigh. if only i could have more weekends like this. i think i'm making a decision.....

*don't walk too close. don't breathe so soft. don't talk so sweet. don't sing. don't lay oh so near. please, don't let me fall in love with you again.*

it feels good to cry.

i should do this more often.
i went to chill with my boca girls tonight. a very happy birthday to christine! katherine and i got her a tour of the kitchen at friday's. it was nice, being with my boca friends. they make me feel so welcome into their circle of friends. it was great. i wish i had gone to christine's with them, but the two hours spent was good enough to make me happy =). it was an interesting night. liz had a nice porno story. katherine had alterior motives to get to my ass ;). and adam introduced himself to my parents. my mom was like "people like him are very likely to succeed... outgoing and friendly". it was cute. i'm so happy its the weekend. i love being at home and NOT doing homework. although now i must go write the family newsletter. blecch. must go back to boca sometime. it was meant for me.

<33

WAKE ME UP! man.

suddenly it's hard to breathe.
edit - yeah i took off the "emotions". it was annoying the hell out of me and it was ruining the specialness of the song. i might put a diff song up later.

ha. wow the days are going by really fast, arent they? every time i update i feel so different from the last and it's just so weird. my head is like in a chaotic mode, and i have no sense of time, no sense of the environment around me, and no sense of what my heart is trying to tell me to do. but it's ok. you know why? because that's a part of growing up and maturing... oncufsion. yeah confusion. things are all messed up, jumbled up, and going everywhere at once. i can honestly say that i think everyone of us is in that mode right now. it's right before the holidays, we're cramming, and experiencing the consequences of procrastination. if we all get through these next two weeks [which we will], we'll all be a lot better.

so friday wasn't as bad as i thought it would be. i surprisingly wasn't tired really. just kinda... out of it like always. that night, nicole told me she was sick soooo even though i said i would see honey no matter what, i didn't. i stayed at home and talked to altan. yeeeeah.

saturday danielle came with us to go xmas shopping at town center. i didn't accomplish much but hey it was alright. and we had some good quality time, ya know? that night danielle and i went to see "the last samurai" with altan. it was more like altan and i went to see it and danielle was in the same movie theatre. because altan was late, like always and i waited for him. it was a good movie. i would like to own that movie. it's very... it feels so epic. it's very moving. and in danielles description, "disturbing". afterwards we chilled at borders. once again... it was more like altan and i and danielle was just in the store. the whole night was very... disturbing. ummm, no details, because nothing happened. things said that i shouldn't say. we went home and danielle slept over. she was quite angry with me. i must say i was/am quite angry with myself for the way i act(ed). danielle and i ended up having like an hour or two of talking. she just kept on talking so of course, i kept on responding. it was funny. but we got a lot of things out. and when we have nights laying in bed and talking like that, i feel a lot better because our friendship strengthens once again. she's going through a tough time. like all of us.

we are not alone. heh. today i spent the WHOLE day doing homework. i just now finished. stupid poetry project. i must admit though, it makes me feel a lot better that i spent my time actually doing something. i can't wait for vacation. i'm going to be SOOO happy after that exam on friday. and then i can fly away for a little while.

my heart... is like in torture. i can't... i have no idea what to do and how to act and how to not end up being hurt. but... i'm just not sure if it's all worth it or not. i feel so unwanted sometimes. and then other times i feel too wanted. does that make sense? it's like back and forth and back and forth. can't something be done so this tug-o-war on my heart ends?

all we have to do is stay strong and depend on each other for support. which we do all the time. as long as everyone leans on someone else, we will all stand in the end. and trust me, we will. because... love is all you really need. and we already have that. what will i do when you leave me?

30 ppl online on my buddylist. not talking to anyone...

*every day is so wonderful... then suddenly... it's hard to breathe. now and then i get insecure from all the pain. i'm so ashamed. we are beautiful no matter what they say. their words won't bring us down. we are beautiful in every single way. their words can't bring us down. so don't you bring me down today.*

don't be brought down. i know i'm trying my best. i know i'm a hypocrite and i should probably read my own words. but you just have to believe. have confidence and faith that it'll all be okay like it's meant to be in the end. and if not... there will always be love and friendship.

siiigh.
sigh. irritablility is finding me once again. but tomorrow is friday. right now i need a break from the homework so i decided to return to my woohu journal. home sweet journal. where do i start?

i'm so drained at the moment. like emotionally and mentally. damn study guide. i got home and i found out i was missing like the bulk of my notes for art history so i freaked out. i never found em. ari faxed me hers but i feel like something is missing. oh well, i hope it's okay. i hope i do okay. i heard the test was hard. *crossing fingers* can i just go to bed? no i can't.

yeah today was a weird day. it was just so unusual. weird, having majority of our pib/myp class of 06 in one place. very strange. but comforting at the same time? i felt like i needed to go to 3 diff places at once. i love my pib family. most of the time. i went to the art show. it wasnt exciting, but it was cool being able to chill with people i don't usually get to hang out with. tomas has a niiice guitar. miss blair isnt teaching us anymore. kinda sad. strangely gonna miss her. tomorrow is friday. thank god. i will be .... sigh. whew. i'm gonna take a break from regular atl life and go out with nicole. i will see my much anticipated movie, "honey" no matter what, with or without someone. i'm looking forward to it. this weekend i'm devoting to projects. like... really. i'm getting xmas shopping done. we're decorating our house. i'm doing my long ass poetry project. i'm doing my spanish project. probably writing our script. i have to write the family newsletter.

other people:
i see many people falling into a stressful, depressive state. i think it's just a trend with all high school kids, especially PIBers. we all feel happy together and then we get home and realize we have to do work and then we're just like uuugggggggggghh. and then we start thinking and stressing and freaking out and it's just a big nervous breakdown. i know what that feels like. and some of us are just... some of us have true problems. i hate to see my friends not smiling [on the outside and on the inside] because i feel so helpless. and yeah words of comfort and hugs may help but it never truly makes the hurt stop. we're all in different stressful and annoying situations. doesn't life suck? yeah... dammit.

my feelings about my "situation" [whether you know what it is or not]:

the school - life has become so busy lately and i feel like there's not enough hours in each day to do what i want or do what other people want. so many invites, and dates to keep straight, i think i just might go crazy. i simply asked my parents if i am gonna be free next weekend and they went off into a tangent about how i need to focus and keep my grades up otherwise i won't be able to go anywhere at all ... and all this shit. like they seriously tell me this everyday. like i havent heard it before. just ask danielle, they always mention it. only when danielle is here, they act like they're kidding. when no one is here, they are like threatening and scary. to get a B ... is like shooting myself in the head. i'm wishing so badly for economics to stay an A. and if it doesnt... well i'll be screwed and i'll spend every night crying.

the social life - is anyone as confused as i am? cuz i sure as hell am. why can't people be truthful? and why can't people move on? i like talking to this journal, cuz then i don't feel like i'm being redundant [even if i am] and i'm not annoying anyone with my stupid ass trivial problems. they're not even problems. it's just some little motherfucker trying to play with me, whether he realizes it or not. and i dont think he does. i think he does it subconsciously cuz he DOES care about me, i know he does, but he always reverts back to this state to make me feel like... like he's using me. and maybe he is. but ya know that quote? it's like ... if this is how it feels to be used, then use me up baby. well i'm not exactly that extreme, but sometimes i feel happy being in that state of hopefulness again. even though it may result in tears [like always] ... maybe it's worth it. i'm not sure. i'm not sure of a lot of things. and then there's the other route i could take and maybe find happiness, but i'm not sure whether or not to start on that path, because maybe it'll lead to a dead end. and then i'd be lost. sometimes it's just easier to stay where you are than to try something new with the possibility that you did it for nothing. do you understand what i'm saying? i dont even know if i do. could i be happier? do i want it to be like this? who knows...

there was something else i wanted to say. i have no idea what. too much going on in my mind right now. its a freaking traffic jam.

can i just fly away?
*i am void. let's see you try to fill me. mostly i'm just annoyed with the situation that never fails to find me. i should know better than i did. i should have listened but oh well.*

maybe i'm changing...
man i didnt want to be in school at all today. cuz my vacation was such a vacation. does that make sense? well it was great. i got away from a lot of things.

friday night danielle, edgar, and i went to the movies to see "pieces of april". interesting movie i must say. it was nice.

saturday we left for orlando. that was a really long day. danielle, my brother, and i played scrabble in the car. hehe. i won. yeah by one point. well we met up with anne [my moms best friend] and we went shopping. florida mall is awesome. it's so big, we spent like 3 or 4 hours in it and we didnt even get to go to ALL the stores in it. i can't wait to go back. it had like EVERY store. even smoke'n'snuff. lol.

jason mraz was just... sigh. it was great. just listening to the music and getting lost in your own world. tristan prettyman opened up for him. danielle and i love her! she's f*ing awesome. i wanna be just like her in 5 years. she's so cute. then this other band performed, i dont remember their name but they were cool too. so many diff guitars. jason mraz was ... he was everything i expected him to be. it was great. he sang my favorite song "absolutely zero" in a different way though. i was annoyed, but it was okay cuz he was still great. he's such a cute dork. i <3 dorks. tristan prettyman came out to play with him and they were like chillin with their acoustic guitars, it was soooo cute. they were like best buds. it was funny. and then they played this duet "shy like that" ... i need to find that song somewhere! maybe they havent recorded it. but i wish to grow up and do that with cameron jaymes. how great would that be?! i got this huge jason mraz tshirt, i have to alter it. and we got to meet tristan. she was cool. it was FREEZing in orlando. sunday we took my brother home to gainesville. then a long ride home. so much thinking and sleeping. it was kinda bad. but nice too.

SCHOOL STRESS.

<3 <3 <3
*maybe i'm changing. maybe i'm so impatient. maybe i just don't care about what you think.

*sometimes i wanna throw up my hands and say ok fine. life's too short. she says if it works, then it works, let it go.

*still i can never please him. no matter how hard i try. maybe you should have made up your mind before i changed mine.

*when it rains, it pours and it shows.

need more school vacations.
dude i'm like so happy. and it's all because of not going to school. like i never knew how happy i would be the days i don't have school. even when i'm bored, i'm so grateful. it's been an interesting turkey vacation.

thanksgiving with the birneys. fun for the whole family. danielle is a natural model. and i love getting to know her family more and more. family ping pong tournament!! pillow cases as place mats. lol.

today i woke up at 8 to go shopping. i didnt get many gifts for people, but i accomplished the goal i had in mind. saw ari at town center. my mom and i met up with her friends and i went shopping with her friends daughter and tran. tran had to restrict me from spending all my money on one person. guess who that person is.

anyways, we're waiting to go out to eat. danielle is coming over and we're finishing out our weekend with a bang.

JASON MRAZ here we come!!!
hey love, hey love, hey love... where you going to?

if i didnt get to talk to ya yesterday, i must need to tell you i am grateful for everyone in my life. whether they've had a negative or positive influence, my experiences through life have made me who i am and for that, i am thankful for everyone that i have met and known. i love you all. and there's really nothing else i can say. because that's all there is. from the bottom of my heart, i love you all and i'm gonna try my best to be a great friend to you... always. <3

i love you.
i have to say, i am proud to be one half of the longest lasting couple of all. one year today baby. i love you more than you could ever know. and i always will.

never knew i could feel like this
like i've never seen the sky before
want to vanish inside your kiss
everyday i love you more and more
listen to my heart can you hear it sing?
telling me to give you everything
seasons may change, winter to spring
but i love you until the end of time
come what may.

Happy Anniversary To My One And Only.

2 lost in the moment | take my hand

chestnuts roasting on an open fire...
eid mubarak.

i'm getting in the xmasy mood. it's very nice. now if only it was cold.

cant wait for luan to come down. and for... for xmas!! =D

<33 to all my sick people. feel better soon.

get ready to pig out on thursday. yippee.



You are Spearmint.
You are quick-witted and sharp. You pay close
attention to details and you can tell what your
friends are feeling. You are always the first
to understand a joke and you are valued for
your insight and advice. However, you
sometimes isolate yourself from other people,
afraid to share your own feelings.
Most Compatible With: Cinnamon


Which Tic-Tac Flavor Are You?
brought to you by Quizilla

blah
sickness. tired!

last night danielle and i went to dinner with my mom and dad. interesting conversation. we talked about some people. my mom thinks i'm attracted to people with weird names. people who dont spell their names right. and danielle thinks that reynold... looks.... priestly. l...o...l... anything to say to that, stephanie? ... A PRIEST! yeah.

then we saw cat in the hat. it was exactly what the doctor ordered. we had fun. no one else laughed like we did. it was funny.

<3 thing 1 and thing 2 [although thing 2 doesnt want the number two to mean that he is in any way inferior to thing 1 so you could also call him thing a or...]
it's a thing thing!
choco-late thun-da!

hmmmm. me and danielle keep passing our sickness baaack and foooorth. back and forth. we're sick one minute and not sick the next. we went shopping today. and we got real tired from sickness so it's a stay at home night. ya know? we both like let our heads fall on the keyboard. it was ... funny looking.

when i saw you, i wanted you to be mine.
i havent written in a little while. it seems so tedious i guess. school and life have been truly busy. well, maybe not too busy but way busier than ever before. i just want to go to bed sometimes. but its all good, cuz i love my life. and although there's stupid drama and weird feelings, that's what being a teenager is all about. i agree with danielle, there should be a true life episode: i'm an IBer. they should have a PIBer, an IBer, and someone who graduated from IB. that sounds interesting, dont you think?! well... maybe not. but dammit, i want someone to film my life! lol. doesnt everyone? danielle will get onto real world and take me with her. because i'll just keep visiting and it'll be like i'm on the show. thatd be great. and then we'd go onto the challenges. and become mtv vjs and then have our own talk shows. isnt that a great plan? anyways.

people trying to molest me. this is not funny! i dont wanna be taken advantage of! everyone just wants to get into christinas pants. but only danielle can do that.

i got all A's on my progress reports. lets hope it stays that way! *crosses fingers*

<3 to everyone else who is stressing out.

maybe i don't have the blonde hair you like.
maybe i don't have eyes like the sky.
and i'm sure you found the girl in your dreams.
but i can show you what love means.

hey peoples i need the new cd.
hmmm.
something corporate concert. yes. seemed like the culture room kept shrinking. i dont like that place. painful, but fun. me and my handy dandy mae lyric book. liz's hyperness. and now we all know katherine is a true mosher at heart. heh. good food and conversation before bed. =) it was a new experience.

today in school... blech. govt made me feel like crap like always. things are quite weird. art we did nothing. but miss blair gave me an 80/100 on my hw piece and a 175/200 on my portrait. it made me feel like crap even moreso. it was hard for me to take it. but it motivates me to try harder. the whole point is, i shouldnt have to try so hard for art, should i? *shrug* oh well. precal was a humdrum day. notewriting with ashley. we have really neat notes. she's gonna leave me... she's gonna leave us. i'm gonna go crazy with all these normal people leaving. i'm just praying for everyone to please stay. its your decision though. i support ashley because its what she wants. sigh. it doesnt seem real. it will when school starts next year. we have to make the best of this year.

<3 never ending confusion.

i cannot sleep.
some things have happened since i last updated. all the little things have upset me this weekend and its prevented me from being in a joyful mood when i want to be. i wish i could say whatever i want in this journal, but i cant because so many people see it.

i had a little breakdown on friday... i can't divulge the reason publicly. but since danielle rushed over to see me, i stopped. we had a nice time with my mom and dad in city place. it was a really nice night for city place. we overdosed on anthropologie fragrances and we looked at wedding dresses. then we saw the movie love actually. it was great. absolutely great, because it was a feel-good movie that i needed to see. i wanted to cry sometimes but the movie was so happy in the end, i couldnt. two thumbs up. i want to own it.

saturday was a very interesting and long day. we went to wellington. lots of fun. xmas music in toojay's. hah. well we had a ball. we got makeovers at nordstroms. and we bought a LOT of makeup. my mom bought $200 worth!! but it was cool, getting all made up =). gotta love the gay guys. then at night, there was hema's party. it was alright. it was very weird since our group really didnt know anyone and we werent too interested in partying with strangers. very weird. but there were some nice moments. and some not so nice moments. i can't go into detail. blech.

ashley cline, where art thou?

if you're wondering what the hell i'm talking about sometimes... ask me and i might just explain stuff thats been happening.

how could the one i give my heart to, break my heart so bad? how could the one who made me happy, make me feel so sad? won't somebody tell me, so i can understand? if you love me, how could you hurt me like that? how could the one i gave my world to, throw my world away? how could the one who said i love you, say the things you say? how could the one i was so true to, just tell me lies? how could the one i gave my heart to, go and break this heart of mine? how could you be so cold to me when i gave you everything? ...all my love, all i had inside. how could you just walk out the door? how could you not love me anymore? i can't understand. how could the one i shared my dreams with, take my dreams from me? how could the love that brought such pleasure, bring such misery? won't somebody tell me... so i can understand?