school days...
Yeah so...summer school...not so bad. Janyll, Adam, Christine, Amy and Ashley Treu are in my bio class. Then liz and greta and a whole buncha people are taking chem and physics which makes lunch and breaks enjoyable. We took some assessment tests in pairs the 1st day and I got paired up with adam...between us we actually remembered a lot more than I expected so I'm feeling a lot more confident about bio...though I'm sure my laziness will kick in and bite me in the ass over the year.

umm the bus was very uncrowded...got hit on by some little black freshman who was tryin to make anand look like a scrub funny stuff.

After school I had a couple hours to catch up on sleep since I only slept a few hours the night before (my internal clocks are still way fucked up). Then I had to wake up and start my first day at southern dance. I was kinda worried cuz I didn't know any of the teachers there or anything but I walked into my advanced ballet class which only consisted of 6 people. But the teacher just happened to be Ms. Heidi from my old studio who I trained with for like 3 years. That and the fact that I at least knew someone in the class (shersty) made me happy. lol the fact that it has been way too long since I have done ballet and I was hurting afterwards.

Thennn Britt and I went to Jazz with Ms. Penni which wasn't so bad since I know her a little from eagle ettes. Also Kristen, RJ, Ashley Skeen and Jenna were all in our class which was cool especially since I've only seen ashley and jenna a couple times since they graduated and I'm used to kristen and RJ teaching so being in a class with them was an interesting change.

After 7 long hours of bio and 3 hours of dance on like 4 hours of sleep I was EXHAUSTED! I still didn't get to bed until like 12 and I was in pain the next morning.

Today was a looooong day at school because we were taking notes for most of it...lol we were slightly amused by my idea to keep a diary of the stupid things some people said throughout the day...see livejournal for that little piece of bitchery.

I'm trying so hard to keep my chin up because...well I really did this to myself but I am seriously regretting letting Evan go like that. I was so busy trying to do what was healthy and right and what made sense but I didn't listen to my heart at all...I don't know if that is going to end up being a good thing or a bad thing. Why do I have to be so dramatic we could have been friends...maybe I still would have had feelings for him but I don't think not talking to him is going to change that anymore than talking to him would. Danielle thinks that he really was my first love and I suspect she's right...I just never wanted to admit it before because love really does hurt. I've never felt like this after losing someone before actually I usually get kinda pissed and then quickly stop caring. This is like a dull ache that I have all the time.

All I want to do is go running back to him and apologize a million times and beg him to forgive me but I know I can't do that I have created an unreconcilable breach in what was once a strong relationship...I will never know exactly what kind of relationship that was but all I know is that I cared about him more than I ever will about most people and he cared a whole lot about me (I think anyway). I spent almost two years falling for this kid two years obsessing over everything about him and I just walked away...let it all go in two minutes. He'd never forgive me and I'd never ask him to because as much as he hurt me I did my share of hurting and it's not fair to just mess with his emotions like that...I need to just leave him alone and let him hate me...It's so hard to not feel sad when everyone around me has relationships going on I had to walk away from a conversation today when it turned to christine and emy's relationship...it just hurt too much. It's going to be a long time before I find someone else I like who cares about me that much and until then this will never go away...

5 lost in the moment | take my hand