alwaysfalling
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2004 8 June :: 1.22pm
:: Mood: happy
:: Music: jamisonparker - your song
happy 16th birthday to me!
<3
4 lost in the moment |
take my hand
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lifesuxsodanz
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2004 7 June :: 2.54pm
Hello everyone this is probably day 100 of Jessica's pathetic summer. lol I suppose I should make some effort to call someone but I am really far too lazy.
Yesterday went to see harry again with my mom then went to border's got a new book exciting stuff.
Lauren came home yesderday just got off the phone with her lol we are just...pathetic. Her car STILL isn't fixed! It's so annoying having to lie about someone else to my mom..."Jess did lauren get in an accident and you just don't want to tell me?"..."nope"
I can't wear shorts around the house anymore because my mom won't believe that the cut on my leg is from shaving. Everytime she sees it she asks and I look guilty everytime.
Talked to...well everyone last night danielle ashley p. altan lawerence Evan Jimmy...amusing stuff lol
Stitchless1221 (11:28:53 PM): lol. eww, jess. just because he is brad pitt doesnt mean his balls dont get all wrinkly
Stitchless1221 (12:11:56 AM): lol, yes! i am going to come and see you in my jessica shirt with my face painted that says "jessica brandi is my american idol. and i am going to have all these pins all over me with pictures of you and i will be holding you hit single "i am a bitch but at least i am loved and you are a loser that nobody likes to move to haiti
MisScarlet219 (12:22:59 AM): and she was like u know who u just looked like karen from will and grace
Stitchless1221 (12:23:48 AM): lol. well you are a drunken bitch that has brown hair and a big rack
MisScarlet219 (1:27:40 AM): thats y i watch the OC
MisScarlet219 (1:27:45 AM): im just like marissa
Stitchless1221 (1:27:54 AM): lol. at least you make things interesting
MisScarlet219 (1:30:32 AM): yeah
MisScarlet219 (1:30:45 AM): too bad im not rich and skinny and gorgeous like her
Stitchless1221 (1:31:37 AM): i dont know if you are rich or not. nobody really likes somebody that skinny. and you are wayy moe gorgeous than her
**lol if you ever need an ego boost talk to ashley**
Ottoman250 (11:24:46 PM): you are special to me, you truly are
Ottoman250 (11:24:57 PM): no woman can ever abuse me so bad like you can
Ottoman250 (11:41:23 PM): do u love him?
MisScarlet219 (11:41:55 PM): idk what love is
Ottoman250 (11:58:56 PM): you would look good with a tan i think
Ottoman250 (12:01:07 AM): i guess ur fair skin isnt that bad
MisScarlet219 (12:01:18 AM): lol oh it is acceptable to you?
Ottoman250 (12:30:08 AM): everytime i walk by i think hes like "haha im gay and i still have more girls than you altan"
**that kid is just so...odd there's no other words for it**
cheddarrump69 (12:36:52 AM): man i need to get a louis vitton hat
**no...no comment**
yeahh so Evan and I are...dating? again I never really know what it's called but whatever it is we are trying again...idk I told him he had to decide one way or another because I couldnt handle the back and forth thing I think this is gunna be our last shot hopefully it works out this time. We're going out friday anyway.
ok my fax maxhine is possessed it keeps ringing once...and then it stops I'm about to throw it out the window. Yeah well must go clean I'll update if anything interesting happens....or if I'm bored whichever comes first.
~love~
take my hand
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playmate101
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2004 7 June :: 12.43am
CDs i realized i love and can't live without.
in no particular order. <3
1. charmbracelet // MARiAH CAREY
2. take off your pants & jacket // BLiNK 182
3. blink 182 // BLiNK 182
4. in the zone // BRiTNEY SPEARS
5. the writing's on the wall // DESTiNY'S CHiLD
6. in this skin // JESSiCA SiMPSON
7. coverage // MANDY MOORE
8. the spirit room // MiCHELLE BRANCH
9. the eminem show // EMiNEM
check back... i'll edit later <3
take my hand
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alwaysfalling
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2004 5 June :: 10.59pm
:: Mood: hot
hi woohu people.
i haven't done much.
beach, tanner than usual, chilling, movie watching, waiting, shopping, chilling, being bored.
yeah. it's been boring for the most part, but i'm loving all this time of doing absolutely nothing. i need to find a job so i can drive the barney car.
<3
take my hand
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lifesuxsodanz
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2004 5 June :: 3.52pm
Boring day...sittin at home read some more of the english book. I'm supposed to be dropping off an application at aeropostle but...I over slept so no one could take me oh well do it later.
last night was blah too talked to jimmy bitched about harry potter lol told him the good news about being allowed to hang out with him again that was nice.
got bored called evan...for the record not doing that anymore fuck it i'm finished.
Talked to Jenn and Danielle Harder miss danielle mucho im just bored more later
~love~
take my hand
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bocaheath05
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2004 5 June :: 3.33pm
:: Music: fly by night
omfg. longest Lj entry ever
www.livejournal.com/users/swamp_inthe_sky
take my hand
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lifesuxsodanz
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2004 5 June :: 12.16am
Life goes on...
hung out with michelle today...so sorry for the near heart attack I almost gave her last night *hugs*
went out to lunch...since we both have some handicap that prevents us from making decisions we picked fridays just because...well it was friday lol
power went out so we waited FOREVER for the check. Patrick our waiter was starting to annoy me almost as much as Dan from maccaroni grill lol (though I did refrain from stealing a spoon this time)
thenn we went to see Harry Potter wooohoooo lol we are losers but yeah fuck you I know you all went to see it or are planning on it in the near future. We opted for the later movie so we got THE perfect seats in the theatre lol we were the 1st ones there...so so pathetic. The movie was pretty good but there were sooo many discrepancies from the book I was getting extreamly angry lol I probably bitched through a good 90% of it. Overall though I have to say they did a good job my mom is making me go again with her on sunday and she doesnt read the books so I will have to explain all of the things that are wrong lol.
then as happy as I was to be out of the house I came home. We ordered italian food and rented Stuck on You on pay per view. It was cute actually. Things are pretty much normal but I can feel my mom jump from rooms away whenever I so much as move I know she's not getting any sleep and I still catch them looking at me funny.
Part of our "talk" last nite was some negociation I just might be allowed to have jimmy in my life again extended my curfiew to 11:30 (eh) um gainsville is still in a period of "review" I'm hopefully getting my liscense july 3rd and if all works out I'll get my dad's car at the end of the summer and they will buy a new one. In return I have to go to therapy and family counseling stop throwing up and threatening them and try to be respectful and such...it all seems good for now I don't trust good things because I usually fuck them up but...we're good at the moment.
~love~
take my hand
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playmate101
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2004 4 June :: 11.20pm
:: Mood: cheerful
i assume this will be a long entry. lets make it short. <3
i'll post the most important thing first just in case u get bored of reading... i got a new screen name, add it to your buddylist. HCOblonde31 anyways....
last night i was up til' about 5am talking to jonah online.
earlier that morning i counted my money in my wallet. $168 total. i hadn't spent any of it. that night around 3am. i randomly counted it to see what i could spend at the mall today... but somehow i went down to $148. $20 missing.
went to bed, woke up. accused my mother while helping her clean out the kitchen cabinets because some guy is coming over to redo it. my mom didn't take the money. asked my sister... she didn't take $20 from me. but why would she, she's only 10. my brother walked into the room. says he didn't take it. called my dad, he didn't take it. my brother has a record for stealing things and not admiting to them.... perfect example. s0o my dad said he will replace it for me. he accuses my brother, but will not say anything without proof. i accuse him as well.
s0o my mom, at that instant, knowing that i couldn't trust anyone with my money in this house.... took me to the bank to open an account. should be getting my ATM card in 5 business days. lucky me. i also saw justin weis there. deeper voice. rather nice. tells me i am shorter than he remembers. not a good thing <3
came home. got on the phone with jonah while my mom went to pick up tommy's girlfriend & her friend. now why will my mom do that but she won't take me to the movies to simply see my boyfriend? who knows. grr. my brother showed off as usual. but not in a way that any girl would be impressed. calling his sisters sluts. talking to my boyfriend over the internet thinking he could make fun of him without getting shot down. trying to beat me up for no apparent reason. idk whatever he thinks is cool.
so anyways i jump in the shower & him & his girls leave. i get out, get ready to hit the mall. jackie comes over. we enjoyed shopping <3 miss her. look what i bought:
ae <3
hco <3
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hco shirt // victoria's secret undies <3 something i was in need of. lol
i came home, got redressed and went out to dinner, looked for new kitchen appliances for after we get out kitchen redone. <3 now i'm home just chillin' hehe.
i'm not as red as i was yesterday from the sun tan that alex & i got, but i still slightly hurt. *shrug* idk. imma bounce.
i miss everyone. <3 call me.
take my hand
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lifesuxsodanz
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2004 4 June :: 1.33am
ok everyone...I probably shouldnt post this here but...fuck it I don't hide things from my friends.
I couldnt really tell you how it all started but its not important...today was just the last straw.
came home after fighting with my mom she left again i dont know where. I got into one of my...moods felt like shit emptied some pills out onto the counter cut a lovely little scar into my thigh. started drinking my parents wine again I needed something no matter how ineffective. I called the only person I could think of who could snap me out of this.
All Jimmy said was how hard he was going to hit me the next time he saw me. I kept talking made him tell me normal things while I cleaned everything up. I still took about 20 advil in hopes it would...idk numb me or something...casey was right it does give you a major headache.
It did kind of knock me out though and I was asleep witht he door locked when my mom came home and she started banging on it and screaming and then she came in and started throwing away all of my stuff and telling me I was changing schools and just saying all of this stuff until I broke down into tears and told her to take away everything because I only had to take one thing from her and it would kill her.
She told me that I can't just threaten something like that lightly and called some crisis center or something about putting me on suicide watch or getting me baker acted. Which is staying in an institution for review basically. And since my parents just switched jobs we dont have insurance yet to get me in2 a youth facility so I woulda had to go to the county institution with all of the major psychos.
so yeah michelle called in the middle of this and i answered the phone hystericlly crying I probably scared the crap out of her. my mom made me hang up but i wouldnt talk to her and I couldnt stop crying. My dad came home and they tried to decide what to do with me I just felt like such shit. My mom said if they didnt send me away she was leaving because she couldnt handle me.
I had to get out I got my fone out of my moms room grabbed luckys leash and took her for a walk...this was around 11:30 I guess. I called jimmy again to clear my head soon I was laughing and myself again I felt all of this weight lift once I got away from the house and the reality. My dad came out looking for me and walked the rest of the way home with me.
I had to talk to them if only to keep them from sending me away. My mom went through some of my emails and found some of the poetry I wrote and it scared her. A lot of it was how I dont care about anything and I stopped loving them etc and of course about suicide. Therapy isnt a question anymore but we talked some shit out. idk im just glad tonight is over. And Im glad to be alive...if only for my friends because I love you all more than you know.
<3
~Jess~
5 lost in the moment |
take my hand
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lifesuxsodanz
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2004 3 June :: 1.31pm
:: Mood: odd
danielle and I stayed up until 4:30 in the morning because we are fucking amazing. We found the meaning of life and love...or we tried anyway. And tag...why are we so afraid to be it??
I'm home alone and I'm trying to be happy I can't seem to find my happy thoughts....
**edit**
yeah so I sat around like that for about an hour until I said...fuck this shit lol. Got out my bathing suit and my cd player and headed my ass down to the pool. It was awesome just me alone with my thoughts soaking up all that vitamin D that my skin has been deprived of since as long as I can remember. Even the screaming children there didn't bother me I just turned up the music and focused on reading " House of the Spirits" which actually isnt that bad so far. I'm probably going to be burnt as hell since I didn't bother with sunscreen but...eh red is a color at least even if it's not tan...
I'm thinkin I'll do this everyday until summer school maybe I won't be so white...plus nobody seems to be calling lonely little me so it's something to do...
must make a date to go see harry potter tomorrow...think I'll call michelle.
ok kids, must go rinse off and get dressed before mi madre gets in. Goin to register for dance classes at southern and probably go out to dinner. peace
~Jess~
1 lost in the moment |
take my hand
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playmate101
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2004 2 June :: 9.47pm
:: Mood: disappointed
:: Music: pieces 0f me // ashlee simps0n
today didn't turn out s0o great. but 2morrow will.
i had plans t0o g0o to the jason mraz concert. BUT j0nah mentioned g0ing 2 the m0vies. s0o i figured my m0m w0uld be nice enough t0 take me. s0o i went t0o ask her & she said, "yeah" and then followed s0mething i did n0t wanna hear. "but i'm n0t driving u 2 b0ynt0n." ir0nically... the m0vie theater was in b0ynt0n. s0o that was a n0o, n0o. by then, it was 2 late 2 grab $3o outta my wallet and get t0o danielle's h0use 2 catch a ride 2 jason mraz, cause it was ar0und 5:50pm. s0o then i called daddy... asked him if he w0uld take me driving cause he said "bri, this summer i plan t0o give u a lotta practice, and by the end 0f summer, u can get a car." well... he said he WOULD take me, but instead when he got home.... he sat 0n the c0uch & entertained himself with sh0ws 0n the discovery channel. g0o fish.
2morrow i've g0tta g0od plan th0. alex is gettin' dr0pped off & we're g0nna chill @ my c0mmunity p0ol & get o0o s0o tan til' like 3pm. theN... idk what i'm d0in' fr0m there. but yeah. @ least i'll be 0utta my house.
friday aftern0on, jackie & i g0t planz 2 hit up the mall. then h0pefully since m0mmy is OFF she will let me see mister j0nah. i miss him s0o much. 1o dayz til' 0ur 8 m0nth anniversary. phew. l0ng time.
but anyways. i'mma head 0ff t0 d0o... nothing i guess. lol well maybe change w0ohu cause i really d0n't agree with the summer background thing. s0o ttyl xoxo
take my hand
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lifesuxsodanz
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2004 2 June :: 9.13pm
:: Mood: sad...
Today I went out in hopes of taking control of my life...I drove my dad around got in some highway time because fuck if my mom is not letting me get my liscense on July 3rd when I'm supposed to.
I went EVERYWHERE looking for a job. I only ended up filling out a few applications considering my new most hated phrase is...we only hire over 18...I don't care I need money! Hopefully someone calls.
While I was in the mall getting the same old story from every goddamn store my dad decided he wanted to meet the american eagle manager in boynton so I ended up buying a skirt a shirt and a pair of shorts with my nifty new 40% discount. That cheered me up.
It was so hot outside I wanted to die but the highway can calm anyone's nerves. I love how you can just drive and drive and not go anywhere...it was so beautifully pointless get on...get off get back on again...just drive.
I can't wait to drive off on my own. Far away from everyone and their problems and the saddness that is my life I just seem to keep losing things, losing people just losing everything. Just in the past 6 months it's...incredible it's terrible but most of all it's painful. But I'm coping the best that I know how, which is probably not well at all but that is besides the point.
btw I'm falling in love with the cure...the 1st thing I do if I ever get a job is buy new CDs.
somebody told me this song described how he felt about me...I don't think it matters much anymore but...idk I really don't here it is anyway.
~Jess~
Id do anything to have her to myself
Just to have her for myself
Now I dont know what to do, I dont know what to do when she makes me sad.
She is everything to me
The unrequited dream
A song that no one sings
The unattainable, Shes a myth that I have to believe in
All I need to make it real is one more reason
I dont know what to do, I dont know what to do when she makes me sad.
But I wont let this build up inside of me
I wont let this build up inside of me
I wont let this build up inside of me
I wont let this build up inside of me
A catch in my throat
Choke, torn into pieces
No, I dont want to be this
But I wont let this build up inside of me
I wont let this build up inside of me
I wont let this build up inside of me
I wont let this build up inside of me
She isnt real
I can't make her real
She isnt real
I can't make her real...
take my hand
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lifesuxsodanz
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2004 1 June :: 11.06pm
I want a boy...
a new one...all pretty and shiny
with all the latest features
one who wont hurt me
and won't confuse me
and the instructions are right there in the box
in ENGLISH
he should already be put together
I'm done picking up broken pieces
no assembly required
I don't know just what makes him tick...makes him work
I shouldn't have to figure it out
batteries included
He doesn't have to last forever
as long as I have my
extended warranty
a money back guarentee as well
because we do invest a lot in these things
to have to live with the defects
~where does she come up with this stuff~
1 lost in the moment |
take my hand
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lizzy
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2004 1 June :: 2.54pm
hehe
hello woohu, long time no see.
6 lost in the moment |
take my hand
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lifesuxsodanz
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2004 1 June :: 12.35pm
summer...kind of sucks so far
sunday was great spent the day at brittney's with kate jeremy and thomas I feel like I havn't seen them in forever. lol ok well I see jeremy in school all the time but still...we don't get a chance to hang out very often but when we do I can always forget everything and just be happy
spent the day catching up on each other's lives told britt and kate all of my latest crazy stories...the world has become increasingly fucked up since we used to play together as little kids. Our lives have changed so much it's kind of scary when you put it into perspective.
Went to the pool...the clubhouse at olympia is ridiculously huge lol just like something out of the OC we shut our eyes and pretended there was a beach on the other side of the fence. Then we went back to the house ordered pizza went to blockbuster. Our idea of babysitting her sister and her friend was sending them upstairs with uptown girls while we stayed downstairs and watched thirteen. lol we really must finish that one day.
all was good until I got home and my mom started with me again...I don't take any shit from her anymore and I pay for it I scream and curse and tell her exactly whats on my mind and I get to her she was up until 6 in the morning because she let me get to her so bad. But I'm supposedly grounded for the week and I can't go to Jason Mraz with danielle on wednesday. idk I have bigger problems to work through at the moment.
All of the depression and the schitzophrenia is flooding back the eating disorders suicidal poetry the morbid thoughts and logic. It's like falling into a trance where everything seems so clear and death makes perfect sense then I snap out of it and realize I could never do it. I can only hope that next time I won't do something stupid before I have a chance to wake up...
That aside I hope everyone's summer is going well...
~Jess~
take my hand
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