【 Squallet's Sanctuary 】

4 Wasted Their Money | Spare Some Change?

:: 2008 25 January :: 5.33am

Rest in Peace, Patrick.

I HAD a fish, his name was Patrick.

5 Wasted Their Money | Spare Some Change?

:: 2008 24 January :: 4.18pm
:: Mood: frustrated

i had a bunch of weird dreams last night. the one that sticks out to me in particular is the one where i was with emily, (i can't remember what we were doing) and i got a loose tooth. but we were running around, trying to get shit done, and all of a sudden i pulled it out. it didn't hurt, but it was absolutely MAMMOTH, and it left a bunch of chunks in my mouth, which i then had to spit out, which struck me as odd. but apparently nobody else found it bizarre that a 21 year old had just lost his tooth, and so the dream just kept right on cruising.

i ran into a bunch of problems with my film project yesterday. i'm kinda pissed, but i'll get over it. hopefully i finish in time.

and i resolved to call up on my W-2s and see where the hell they're at, like a responsible person, and the people all said that i wouldn't have them until the first week of february. fuckers. way to wait until the last possible second.

so then i was like, "well, i'll do as much of the fafsa as i can without my tax info," but noooo, the fafsa website had to go and crash on me too.

i swear to god. it's like a sign telling me that i'm supposed to give up. because every time i try, i get pushed aside or yelled at or in some way usurped, and i'm just fucking tired of it. i'm losing sleep, having weird dreams, freaking out on people that don't deserve it.

and now i can barely keep my eyes open.

:: 2008 21 January :: 8.32pm

crazy ass shit
this is ridiculous. nothing is working out cleanly or adding up evenly.

which means the great sheep in the sky didn't like my emo entry about how i'm pissed at it. but i'm not pissed anymore. so it should be nice to me and make the stars align once again.

i'm sorry, oh aviary ovine! i didn't mean to upset you. may your wool grow long and thick! and may your first child be a masculine child! i suck at forcing things to work. which is why it's so much more pleasant for everyone involved when you make things line up properly, so i don't have to mash them together in my rudimentary way.

that would be super-duper.

p.s.

basically, all this means is that i had avoided making plans so we could go get the car tomorrow, but they never confirmed with me, so i had this empty day ahead of me, with a shit-ton of stuff to get done, and a couple of hours ago, bruce called me and said, "so, you busy tomorrow?"

and then this weekend, kristi was like "so you wanna go to president's ball?" and i was like "yeah, that'd be fun!' but it turns out that it's the weekend of winter camping.

so, i'm fucking retarded, and the world hates me. scheduling conflicts galore, and my laziness has placed me squarely behind the eight ball in so far as the amount of shit that needs to be accomplished within a certain time frame.

fuckin' a.

:: 2008 20 January :: 5.34pm
:: Mood: sleepy

i think i might lay down for a bit.

addison might stop by later. it's been a fun weekend. too bad i didn't get any work done, and now all i want to do is sleep and watch movies. the side effects of michigan winter.

yepper.

:: 2008 17 January :: 8.58pm

It's really windy outside.

Oh, and I'm fairly positive I'm going to go to graduate school once I get my Bachelor's Degree.

Woot for M.A. in English Literature and Composition.

4 Wasted Their Money | Spare Some Change?

:: 2008 17 January :: 3.10pm
:: Mood: exhausted

Dear Whatever-you-are,

why the hell do you do this to me? what have i done to earn such torment?

is this all for my personal growth? one of those life-lessons where the pain is just part of the process - to progress?

well fuck that. it's like when you go weightlifting. you're supposed to be sore the next day. you rip your muscles, they repair, they get stronger. but if you overwork them, they rip too far, they have a much harder time repairing, and ultimately don't get any stronger. they just get miserable for awhile.

now, i'm not saying i'm miserable. and there's no REAL reason for me to hurt. and i'm not even sure hurt is an adequate term. but at the very least, it's difficult for me to cope with all of the different situations and expectations that i find myself in. and i get so sick and fucking tired of people thinking i'm awesome, me knowing i'm not, and then me disappointing them because i suck. and then i'm like "no, chris, the only reason you suck is because you tell yourself that. it's a self-fulfilling prophecy. so, all you need to do is just say that you don't suck, believe all of these people, because they're obviously right, and just go out and do the best you can do." and after i give myself this little pep talk, not only to i fail, although maybe not quite as badly as before, but i get the added perk of having all the people who just got done telling me not to sell myself short, telling me how badly i just fucked up, and they never would have thought it possible.

i didn't fuck it up on purpose just to prove something to all the people who believed in me. i didn't try not to fuck it up just to prove something to the non-believers, with the exception of myself. so why can't i just be content to fuck things up, have everyone else be fine with that too, and make six figures doing it? i see no flaw in that plan whatsoever.

but all i can figure, after all of these mixed signals you've given me, is that you aren't my homeboy, you're not trying to help me grow as a person, you're just fucking with my program, because it's fun. it's like feeding peanut butter to a dog. they trust you. they have faith in you. then you do something wholly unpleasant to them, merely for your own amusement. you are a saucy minx who likes toying with my emotions, and i honestly don't know how much longer i can cope with that. not that i really have a choice in the matter. but i seriously question how long it will take for me to get so disenchanted that i just give up and lie there, because i'm all out of other ideas, and i'm too tired to think of anything new.

i'm just grumpy and unappreciative. i'm sure it's just a phase, it will pass, and you will be understanding again. but for right now, fuck you. because it's still mean as hell to let me do this to myself.

sincerely,

Chris

3 Wasted Their Money | Spare Some Change?

:: 2008 14 January :: 8.25am

My eye hit a snowflake.
I am unreasonably happy today. I'm not sure why.

I'm up and about so much earlier than normal so that I can write a paper that I am too intelligent to have to write.

I highly dislike University required composition courses.

Well, at least I'm one hundred percent on what a thesis is now, since we talked about them for the past two class periods.

:: 2008 10 January :: 2.29pm

I awoke this morning to clouds over the sun, to the perpetual freshness of another day, and to my body telling me that I required less movement than I was enacting at the time.

Oh man.

I'm back in the swing of things I suppose. I have one more class to go to today, and then I'm done. Well, I have my meeting tonight, but then I'll be done.

Wouldn't it be nice...

Human Growth and Development will be interesting, but the room is very large and cold, so it will unenjoyable.

The lady who teaches my creative writing class can't speak in front of people well, and she's super skinny.

I think the bus driver hates her job.

I would really enjoy a real cappuccino right now, but I have rent to pay, which means I don't have the three dollars to spend on it.

I have carrot sticks in my stomach (well, they're not in stick form anymore), and I enjoyed my peanut butter and raspberry preserves sandwich on whole wheat bread that I made myself and ate for lunch.

I have a high level of cognitive development, I was told. I like to organize things in my head. Yes, it gives me pleasure, or rather, it alleviates my cognitive dissonance.

Or, maybe, I'm just obsessive.

:: 2008 7 January :: 9.13pm

First time: apprehension, uncertainty, confidence.
Last time: sorrow. fulfillment. joy.
Middle time: going, keeping, doing.

the wind may be on the other side of the pane, but it still chills me to the bone from the sound i hear.

i've lost the words.

:: 2008 7 January :: 8.55pm

My, what curious weather we are having.

On the up side, I'm in the library while a major thunderstorm with hail is outside.

On the down side, I have to leave the library in about twenty minutes and walk to the music building in the major thunderstorm with hail.

[edit] Every time I think about making the transition, the wind picks up and the rain falls harder.

4 Wasted Their Money | Spare Some Change?

:: 2008 7 January :: 8.19pm
:: Mood: frustrated

this is absurd. the very first day of class and i'm already stumped. i'm very - not quite concerned, but - uncertain about how this semester's going to go. if this assignment is any indication, probably not well.

PSAs are unavoidably tacky. especially when they're about high school. i thought a PSA was a good beginner assignment. but making the topic high school dropouts is cruel and unusual punishment, especially when you're giving it to a roomful of college students who have obviously never dropped out of high school.

and then you give me 30 seconds to change a mind that i can't even begin to fathom? that is bullshit on a stick.

any bright ideas?

:: 2008 7 January :: 8.23am

I just finished with my first class of the new semester. It was English 201, which is an English Composition class that's required. Boo. But...I do have it with the same professor I had for Literary Analysis, which is cool. He's in his seventies, has a five year old kid, and is fairly crazy. Yep.

Anyway, most of my classes are tomorrow, so we'll see how it goes!

Michelle

:: 2008 3 January :: 12.34am

it's 12:34 ... make a wish.

i feel - unfulfilled? i'm not sure that's the right word. it's just that nagging feeling like there's something missing. something i forgot to do.

and i know there are things i forgot to do. which is okay, for the most part. i can accept that, drop them, and move on.

but obviously there are more that i have not yet realized, because after dropping them and moving on, the feeling remains.

i need to make this go away. it's not unbearable, so much as obnoxious and slightly depressing.

:: 2008 2 January :: 5.07pm

i love it when i have those moments where i feel like i'm on felix felicis and everything just falls into place.

then there are those other times where i try and try so hard to adapt and adjust correctly so that it will fall into place, but no matter how hard i try, it just doesn't fit.

i hate those other times. i'm always tempted to give up on them. but i never do, because i know there's always hope that suddenly felix will step back into the ring and make it all better. but he doesn't always do that. and then i'm left holding the bag.

Spare Some Change?

:: 2007 31 December :: 12.40am
:: Mood: on the precipice
:: Music: jamie cullum / jamiroquai (libby's playlist)

i've never really made a new year's resolution before. i mean, i've had little things that i decided to do or not do, but nothing monumental. kind of similar to lent. i give shit up for lent sometimes, but it doesn't fucking matter. i don't take it too seriously. mainly because i think it's bullshit.

mom makes new year's resolutions every fucking year and never keeps them. which is far more huge than she realizes, because it exemplifies the much larger personal issues she has yet to overcome.

the point is, this time i'm actually resolving to do (and not do) a few things. however, the chronology is merely coincidental. i would be doing these things, regardless of the time of year. which is why i'm not starting the effort precisely on new year's day. but i am making the effort ... and soon.

additionally, i'm not doing it for anyone other than myself. to prove to myself that i don't have a problem. i mean, i know i don't, so in that sense i don't require proof, but that doesn't make the proving of it superfluous or unnecessary. i am essentially proving to myself that i can prove it, even though i know i don't need the proof itself, per se. how's that for circular logic?

and i'm going to use the reallocation of funds idea that hunter gave me this evening as a part of that effort. and it's going to be brilliant. the only flaw is going to be making sure that the fund is not liquid, so that i wind up spending it on other stuff, which is what always happens. the fund has an express purpose. it's not a slush fund, it's exactly what i said it is, a reallocation to a different end.

so, to recap:

:: i am making some resolutions, which should resonate in my mind, body, and pocketbook.

:: although it will be the new year, these are not new year's resolutions.

:: although they are outward acts, these resolutions are for nobody's benefit or harm other than my own, despite their potential external impact.

:: libby has a kickass playlist

that's it.

:: 2007 29 December :: 8.30am

I just finished shoveling because we got six inches of snow last night. I shoveled the porch and my parking spot.

Jessie is coming to live with me tomorrow!

Spare Some Change?

spud	:: 2007 27 December :: 1.22am christmas 2.0 begins tomorrow. should be fun. 1 Wasted Their Money \| Spare Some Change?

spud	:: 2007 24 December :: 1.46pm :: Music: the 12 days of christmas interesting covers. i think youtube and jesus were god's christmas gifts to humanity. or something. taking back sunday straight no chaser woo html. 1 Wasted Their Money \| Spare Some Change?

5 Wasted Their Money | Spare Some Change?

:: 2007 21 December :: 1.40pm

you know, i'm kind of with lindsay on this one.

this is a time for togetherness and love and going out and doing fun stuff.

and when you don't have anyone to have that with, it's a royal pain in the heart.

however, the difference between my situation and the majority of everybody else's, is that i could have had that, and i decided to let it go.

not that i'm regretting the decision. i know i did the right thing. it's just that more difficult to deal with, knowing that i only have myself to blame.