【 Squallet's Sanctuary 】

:: 2007 12 November :: 6.32pm

some things never change.
home sweet home.

baltimore was fun, as always.

concerts make me want to perform, as always.

and german club is showing lord of the rings in half an hour.

which means i'll be skipping my homework, as always.

3 Wasted Their Money | Spare Some Change?

:: 2007 8 November :: 12.33am
:: Music: the voices (they're everywhere)

going to maryland. leaving tomorrow. should be fun.

jessica is super-cool. and awesome. and having to tolerate me. which sucks. and so is everyone else, but they're just not faring as well in their tolerance as she is. which is unfortunate, although not entirely unexpected.

i'm fucking tired. and i haven't done shit this week.

oh well. maybe at the end of this tunnel i'll find myself. or at least someone else who can find me for me.

:: 2007 7 November :: 2.09pm

I can't stop popping my ears and it's driving me crazy.

I just finished baking brownies, and I will be enjoying them in a little while.

I have to work tonight from six to eleven. Pooh.

Wednesday nights are usually fairly slow.

UGH!

:: 2007 6 November :: 4.07pm
:: Mood: disoriented

cardiopulmonary recussitation

"Loneliness is a power that we possess to give or take away forever.
All I know can be shown by your acceptance of the facts; they're shown before you.
Take what I say in a different way and it's easy to say that this is all confusion.
As I see a new day in me, I can also show if you - and you may - follow.

Speak to me of summer, long winters - longer than time can remember,
The setting up of other roads, to travel on in old, accustomed ways.
I still remember the talks by the water; the proud sons and daughters
That knew the knowledge of the land spoke to me in sweet accustomed ways."

and stuff and things.

all in all, though, feeling good. just very lost. and my concept of time is completely out the window.

:: 2007 3 November :: 4.23am
:: Music: kevin and jessica

i think i'm a good person.

it's amazing how i can be so alone, and yet so complexly together with so many people.

i wrote this earlier. i had an idea about reincarnation, which seemed poetic at the time:

My soul is an old man swimming.
Am I his final foray into the waters?
Or does he have life left in him yet?
At times he is very adept,
So well used to his aquatic occupation.
At other times he is old and tired,
Barely floundering on the surface.
Despite his age he has a spryness about him.
But is that enough to carry us through?

--------

all questions, no answers. oh - how the mighty fall.

it's so disjointed. primarily due to how i have fallen. or at least that is how i feel at this particular epoch. different times will give rise to different emotions.

fucking A.

:: 2007 1 November :: 3.10am

as much as i feel like a lot just happened, i also feel like nothing's going to change. which is both good and bad.

and i just never know what the fuck i'm supposed to do with it all. it's like god's cruel joke.

puts all the fucking pieces in my hand, and just expects me to figure it out. the only flaw being that sometimes i have extra parts that i made myself, and sometimes i'm missing a few parts that slid under the couch. but i can't just give up on the puzzle because the parts sometimes come alive and bash me upside the head, until i put them together. and then the next shipment arrives, the moment i torque down the last bolt.

it's bullshit, i'm telling you.

and also, i have to remember that, while social relationships are like atomic bonds, once the bond is separated, sometimes they take an electron with. and sometimes they give you one. and sometimes you just trade a few. i think it works. too bad nobody else understands it.

:: 2007 31 October :: 2.17am

i carved a pumpkin tonight. it turned out well.

i also baked the seeds, which also turned out well, considering i forgot them in the oven for over half an hour.

and i got a sharpie tattoo of a skeleton from lindsay. nice work, linz. looks badass. oven mitt and all.

now time to sleep, so i can sort of act normal tomorrow-ish. although i don't have any plans for the evening. i may wind up studying, or something ridiculous like that. but c'mon, it's fucking halloween. i can do better than that. what'd i do last year? i don't remember. and the year before that i hung out with gunnie.

i always wind up being pretty boring on halloween. like the time i read harry potter while i was giving out candy. i enjoyed it, but it was very solitary and slow. which i guess i need sometimes.

i really want to play again. it's seriously beginning to hurt me inside. i just want it. so fucking bad. maybe this thing with robby is an answer.

spud	:: 2007 30 October :: 5.41am :: Mood: tired :: Music: Cake Paper Wood pulp; sometimes I despise you. Now how the hell do I finish it? Dammit. Maybe after a couple hours of sleep this will fix itself. Spare Some Change?

:: 2007 26 October :: 6.31pm

Rueben and I just saw Across the Universe. It was a great movie.

I don't know what more to say.

It presented realities.

I've always had a problem with reality. Not reality in the sense of knowing what's going on in the 'real' world, but my alternate realities. The ones in my head. The reality of what could happen. What might happen, what seemed to happen, what didn't happen, but seemed like it did.

I've had this problem since I was a small child.

I feel like I have so much to say, but I can't possibly scratch the surface here. I want _____ . I need _____ .

I'm good at playing by the rules, but that doesn't mean I like it.

I think I'm Marxist leftist...whatever that means nowadays.

I'm writing a speech on Mike Gravel and one of the articles I found while researching was called: "Mike Gravel, more Leftist than Marx"

How can I rely on words to explain myself when they simply can't? That's one of the things I've learned these past few years. I envy those who can use words to their advantage. I just fumble with them. I don't get them.

I got music and I turned my back on that. What do I have left? Two years of college, and three more to go so I can teach kids of average ability how to read the sentence: The cat sat on the mat.

Let's face it, without some time of national initiative on the part of the people, this country will never be more than substandard in anything but blowing things up.

Oh the things I could have done, you could have done, we could have done, if only we were given the chance. The opportunity. Limited opportunity isn't enough to make humanity what it should be.

Everything should be unlimited. Free healthcare, free education.

I don't care if we need to be like China and weed people out at sixth grade. Look who's on top. China.

Why would you let children who will never get it hinder the children who could change the country? Why do you bring down the best to make everyone average ? What good does that do?

It kills everything. It killed me.

:: 2007 26 October :: 6.26am

This day has possibility.

:: 2007 26 October :: 2.17am
:: Mood: winding down
:: Music: billy hirt - a time for reflection

we could make sweet music together...

i had fun at lindsay's tonight. i feel like there was some good conversation. although, i'm not sure how much of it she'll recall. but that's okay. fun times were had by all.

i want to play again. lately i've had the itch so badly it hurts.

interestingly enough, tonight i didn't have the ache. i had honestly not thought about the ache until katie brought it up as i was walking her home. i didn't know how to respond at first when she said it. i take it as a sign that things are beginning to be right again. at least for us, if nothing else, which is good.

but i still feel like, in spite of that, there's still so much that isn't right for me. but i can't tell what it is or how to fix it.

'til some producer with computers fixes all my shitty tracks.

spud	:: 2007 25 October :: 2.25am it's cold outside. and now my nipples are tender. i guess that's what i get. maybe tomorrow i'll just go topless. this deodorant smells awful. 5 Wasted Their Money \| Spare Some Change?

:: 2007 25 October :: 1.03am

retrospective

"maybe i just don't want a relationship at all. i like being single and flirting with everyone. i don't know... when ever i start to get close to some one it is ok at first and i am all for it and then they start doing things that just freak me out. and then i run away. hmmm.... i need to find someone perfect for me, my personality needs to match their's, i can't be in a relationship where i feel like there is so much that i just can't live up to. why is it so hard for me to meet people i am actually attracted to. this sucks. i feel like i need to have someone, but i just don't want anyone i know. i need to meet someone new. which is hard. i'll try."

at least she's always known what she needs.

i have no idea what i need. or what i want. or what i have.

i'm a menace to society and myself.

:: 2007 24 October :: 9.19am

I know what they're doing is wrong, but that doesn't keep me from being scared shitless.

I guess we'll wait for Legal Aid to call us back so we can set up an appointment with the lawyer.

So this is what it's like to be an adult...

:: 2007 22 October :: 12.34pm
:: Mood: not good

it's funny how quickly things change sometimes.

it's not funny how slowly i adapt to them. because just about the time i get settled in (if at all), it changes again anyway, and i'm just that much less interested in attempting to change for the next time.

funnier yet is how even when i don't feel like trying, i wind up changing anyway. it just seems like it should be more advertent and thought out.

this all adds up to me being listless and worthless, and me feeling all the emotions appropriate to those qualifications.

:: 2007 21 October :: 5.39pm
:: Mood: whelmed
:: Music: Extreme - Cupid's Dead

:: Romance Novel ::

Night is the time for deep conversations.
Staving off sleep for the value of a moment.
The haze tries to convince you to forget by morning.
Subduing it, you rise to face the afternoon, believing yourself a poet.

2 Wasted Their Money | Spare Some Change?

:: 2007 19 October :: 8.50pm

The Jessa and Andy Show?

You changed the saying.

:: 2007 18 October :: 12.37pm

My professor for my Latin American Literature class took us to Java City, the on campus coffee house, for class.

...and it was awesome.

:: 2007 17 October :: 9.49pm

Midterms. So tired...

My brother got married and it was good. I have pictures on facebook for viewing pleasure.