What You Think of Me
It's so interesting to think about the difference between your own perception of yourself and what other people see you as being.

I guess I should explain the context that lead me into this train of thought. (Funny...I only realized that I tend to blurt out seemingly random things without any context backing them because my mom told me that I did.) Anyway, I was thinking about this week in general and the random things that I've learned. There seemed to be a commonality between discussion in Chorale, World Lit, and with friends. I've been learning about myself through the perceptions of others. In Chorale, as we were discussing how to go about becoming a better singer, Mr. Shaull indirectly described me as someone without a 'can-do' attitude, in the sense that I doubt myself instead of trying and improving. We read an article in WLH about the nature of evil and what it takes to be cruel enough to rape and/or kill people. One of the personality traits was narcissism. I've been called narcissistic and pretentious many a time. Molly told me that I was the kind of person who focused on the bad instead of letting it go and moving on, as well as the kind of person who learns of all of the gossip before she does. People at church often refer to me as someone who only talks about boys and is often having blonde moments.


It's all so strange to think about. In some cases, there are moments when I can definitely relate to the above statements. I KNOW I've appeared narcissistic at times. I KNOW I often doubt my ability and reserve myself to keep from giving it my best shot and still failing. More often, though, am I surprised by these pronouncements.

It's definitely a shock to be categorized as something you never thought you were.

***

I surprised myself by branching out and talking to new people today. For some reason I felt really bad because Anna never really talks to anyone in French. I'm her partener, but I always talk to Sarah, Sara, or Rachel when we have time to mingle. She never really talks to anyone in Chem either, and I felt kinda bad for her. I realize that maybe she prefers being alone and observing rather than being a part of random discussion in class, but nevertheless I've made an effort to talk to her in French just so that she has someone. I saw her standing alone and waiting for her ride today, so I went over and talked to her. It was so strange. She's really nice, but I hardly know her so it was kind of awkward. The conversation was almost as forced as those stupid scenarios in French class. It got easier as we kept talking (well, it was mostly me talking...) but it was still kind of strange. I wonder if she'll go home and be surprised and maybe flattered that I'd come over and started up a conversation or just annoyed. I honestly don't know her well enough to know what she'd think about it.

***

I've gotta say that I LOVE all of the drama concerning Homecoming!! Maybe this'll come off as really insensitive, but even though people are being rejected and all, at least there's something to talk about that gets everyone excited. Well, maybe it's just me who goes crazy over everyone's stories about how they were asked and all, but I JUST LOVE IT! Even though I'm kind of out of the loop myself and pretty much just trying to stay on top of everyone else's Homecoming date situations, it's all so much fun.

Oh, and there's something I've learned from this year's Homecoming that might surprise you: I'm not desperate. I WON'T just ask some random guy in order to 'at least have a date.' I really won't go with a guy who I hardly know, even if I think he's a nice guy or hot or whatever. People have suggested that I ask 3 different guys, and though I don't have any problems with their personalities, I won't ask them. I DO have standards. Really. (And these standards aren't based apon grade level, social status, or physical appearance, either!)

***

It's a really cool idea to think that life has some sort of predestination involved. It is possible to combine the ideas of free will and destiny and say that though we appear to have free will, in actuality, our life is governed by "choices" which have already been decided in order to lead you to a certain life. Pretty crazy thought...

***

I think I've been journal-ed out for a bit. Opera tonight! Whoo!

Oh, and if you'd like to further enlighten me about myself, (since I really do value the comments) feel free to do so in a reply. Just, ya know, how you see me as a person in general. I can't promise that I'll be okay with it if you say something bad about me, since I'll surely dwell on it, but in the near future, I'll definitely use the feedback in order to try to change.

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