So i stayed home today and relaxed, it was wonderful. I watched a stephen king movie...Christine. it was good, heh im a dork. so now i am upstairs talking to rb, n joe. they both stayed home today as well. im also searchin the web bc i am paranoid. i did it again yesterday. i cant say it wasnt good..but now i just feel bad again. i want to stop but then again i dont. im just so worried, and its not worth it to be so worried. Maybe everyone on here exaggerates the risks, a little maybe? ah, i dont know. but i dont want to do it as much anymore, bc well the more risky it is that way. another thing is..ah i dont know wut to do. its killing me. its like my head is saying one thing and my body another. im just so scared. i had a dream last night...that my best friend did it also, with someone i cant remember, ill think of it though. but i am just so lost right now, i think i just need to figure this out for myself. bc i know the consequences, i know everything...its just a matter of figuring out what i want. i will take a break from this for a while. that will be just fine i think.

So last night was quite a night, as chill as it was, i think i need that sometimes. but u know. So i am a terrible person, accoording to dan. i had a talk w/ him last night, n the worst part was nothing good came from my mouth, like i seriously had nothing 2 say that would defend my actions. but hey, he deserves someone better than me. i really believe that. and as awful as he made me feel last night, i do still want to be friends w/ him. he i think seems 2 say otherwise. he made it clear he wanted nothing to do w/ me, but it was weird because he didnt seem mad that i was w/ brad...jus that i "blew him off" which i really didnt mean to, it was miscommunication n shit, which i tried to explain but he wouldnt listen, i dont think he believes a word that comes out of my mouth. so all i can do is give him time and he will come around maybe? i hope so. kuz this wasnt how it was supposed to be at all. but this situation was hard enough, like i really didnt want anyone 2 get hurt n i managed to screw that one up. but its like this: i did like dan, truly did. but it was like..i dno felt like nothing but a friendship n if a guy doesnt show enough interest 4 me i tend to move on or u know if some1 else, in this case it was brad, but he def. showed more interest n thats wut got me. i need to feel needed, or something. maybe thats my selfish side? i dont know. the other part was, the more i thought about it i couldnt see myself w/ dan. we are so different really. i mean i can talk 2 him, like have a deep conversation but that is really all. another thing, he has never had a gf, n that makes things harder. i dno but who am i to prove myself to anyone? i have my reasons. hopefully every1 will realize this. but anyways...shower time. peace not war.

So, again its been a while since the last time i wrote so here goes. Alot has happened, some of which im not sure was for the best. Recently i lost something that i didnt realize was as precious to me as i do now that i have lost it. I feel horrid almost. The worst part of all? I cant tell anyone, or vent to anyone about what i am feeling. I thought i was pretty good at "sharing" what i felt, but im really not and i figure half the advice is shit n people judge u, even the people u think wont....they will. no matter what u think, dont let ne1 tell u different. I almost feel empty now, bc i have no1 to turn to...life is shitty that way. suggestions? a counslor! yes...that way i can talk 2 a person who is payed to listen 2 our shitty lives...wuta joke. and they are probably coloring or playing tic tac toe instead of really listening. hey w/e works right? damn greedy counslors. but i am getting off topic..my bad. so i cant vent to anyone, so i must get it all out on here so i dont explode. But i have realized that ppl are dumb, they have 2 be the first to know everything, gossip etc. I wish there werent rumors...and no one was judged. Only in a perfect world right? That figures, maybe someday people wont be judged like they are now. hey thats the "wut if". i dno wut im saying. but right now all i want to do is tell everyone 2 shut up n leave me alone. you know i almost feel fake at times, i swore i would never be a fake person. i hate them. but i am not myself around alot of my friends. seriously. i cant be myself i guess bc...why? yeah thats right, i will once again and forever be judged. now the real ?....why do i care so much wut ppl think? bc if i didnt, n acted careless, life would prolly be miserable. except for those lucky ppl...which i am not. but hey i will stop feeling sry for myself bc there are starving ppl in etheopia making shoes for unincooerated america right?

So....went 2 mexico for spring break with my girls alz n lar. it was pretty good, cant compare to last summer but that is alright. I looked at this trip as kind of a break from school-get some sun-kind of thing. And that is what I did. We stayed for 5 days, which was not nearly long enough but we will be back in the summer so no worries. aight, ha so the trip.....the first couple days were kind of blah, i mean we danced but we really didnt meet 1 group n hang out w/ them til our last night. The best was lar gettin with some guy on the beach, i was like damn haha, she would. and he had a cast too, hmm tricky. But newho...the last night got a lil tipsy...close 2 drunk but still knew what was going on so its alright. Allie didnt seem to be having any fun which is a shame. When we go to mexico she really doesnt drink, thinks she has 2 be the caretaker, which she isnt at all so i dont get it but o well. Lar seemed to have a great time which is what i hoped for since she basically cleaned out her piggy bank for this trip. I liked the horseback riding and jet skiing...FREE mind u. bc well lets face it, the mexicans like the "pretty american women". hah. funny stuff, but hey im not gona complain i got 2 ride jet skiis for free, n drive them i had never done that before, man what a rush. I cant wait to go back and hopefully lar will come also bc she is fun, more so than i thought so this is good. thats really all for now, cept i cant stress this enough that its damn cold in st. louis n all i want is 2 be back on the beach....ah summer cant come soon enough.

Hmm...I haven't written anything in a while. in about 8 months 2 be exact wow. Well, let me tell you what is happening now: I went 2 mexico this summer n had the time of my life! Seriously...'cept i made a few risky moves here n there but eh it was worth it. Got wasted just about every night, kuz u hafta in mexico. Got on hot boys...1 in peticular teehee. Allie smoked everynight, while i drank. I used 2 despise the smell of a cig but now i find myself craving one jus for that familiar smell...ah. But who am i kidding summer is over and school has begun. It's already been 2 and a half weeks into my sophmore year and its been pretty ok. My classes are good, i got friends in um. And im happy 2 say my bf tommy is in one also, i am happy about that. Thats right...ive had a bf all summer, i can hardly believe it myself. Gosh too many exiciting things have happened...ok im gona try and fill more in. So last weekend i went to a mixer at sluh...it was soo much fun, 'cept Allie didn't get in. I am thinking perhaps she didn't even wunt to kuz Lauren could have easily pulled her in. But wut do i know? Oh well, i got to see people i hadn't seen in 4ever...like Alex Lubbert from tcs...it was great seein him, hes as cute as can be, plus his hot friends me n lar danced w/. Oh and then Johnathan Holden, never was good friends w/ him but hes so nice n cute too! ...had 2 freak a bit wit that ;-) Oh how can i forget...this really hot junior named Pat...danced with him a couple times n gave him my number..wut the hell right? heh well....he has called me everyday for the past 3 days. It's weird...he knows i have a bf but thats not stopping him i guess? heh i jus dn. w/e hes fun to talk to i guess. But anyways...my boy is callin i will write soon hopefully....not in 8 months! ;D

The last few weeks have be a trip i tell ya. so...um lets see, last weekend ben lauren and ray came over n we all got in the hot tub. the funniest part of the whole night was prob when me n benny were kissin, lar n ray are arguing about a truck or somethin...n omg i had jus enough of it to. so i tell them 2 shut up lol it was hilarious. well, anyways...we all end up skinny dipping and heh ben even told me later...it was the weirdest thing he'd ever done, been naked in a hot tub with a guy. lol but u dont really think of it like that ya no? so basically...we did the same thing as before only this time i gave him a hj..i needa work on it tho heh. but its all good. that was quite a night..heh 4 all of us.

then this week has been exciting so far...monday we had a fire drill...so yeah always exciting. then tuesday the power went out n my lunch shift was like 40 minutes long compared to like 25. so hey, i was 1 happy camper. but then 2day (wed) its been snowing all day so im hoping we get off 2morrow since its 'posed 2 freeze or something. I HOPE! this weekend i hopefully will see benny...well i know i will kuz last weekend the only was kuz he was at his dads. i was trippin to..thinkin he jus wasnt callin or something. arg. o well. oh and another thing...recently ive been talking to austin more..since he rides the bus more often. heh hes fun..i had 4gotten that lol. but anyways we mess around n flirt like old times...n o yea..he tried pushin me over the seat when i was reaching for soemthin from someone...lol totally didnt work but it was hilarious! well anyways...im freezing and am now going to go get warm!! bubyee

Wow i forgot i havent written anything in a while. Well lemme get ya up to date. i am still with benny, n luvin every minute hehe! I see him a lot too, which is nice. He came over..uh last weekend and the weekend before that. But the first weekend was prob the most fun...teehee. He came over n we ya no did a little hot tubbin..n well we ended up doin a lil skinny dippin u mite say..n well one thing led 2 another n there ya have it! it was quite fun..lol sometimes i dont trust myself in that hot tub, it\'s like sometimes i jus become another person completely. Its jus crazy! hah. but yea then last thurs. he snuck over here n we had some more funn...wow. I think the fact that he was over here when he wasn\'t supposed 2 be made it even more kinky soo..whew. But the scary part was my moms friend barb was next door n i didnt know this....and she called n acted sorta weird but my mom never said anything so...thank god!! my ass woulda been in so much trouble.

But wow...when ben comes over we jus like lay on my bed n cuddle, its soo nice. I think thats my fav thing 2 do..kuz we jus lay there n talk n ya no mayb tickle eachother or something. it\'s just all very cute. I love everything about it.

ohh allie...i think i have my mom talked into it. we are gonna look hot with our bellybuttons peirced this summer...and in MEXICO! OO LA LA...we will be the nazi girl! hah. lol.

So last night was def. confusing. I always wait til the last min. 2 figure out my plans...i g2 stop that heh. Well i had planned 2 do soemthin w/ Allie...first it was the football game, and then the hockey game...that backed out so I went 2 six flags w/ Steve, tom, dan joe..celsi n a bunch of ppl i did not know at all. It was fun...considering the only ride i went on was mr freeze. thats ok tho. Since Steve is not much of a roller-coaster person, we ditched the group n I jus hung out w/ him 4 like 3 hours. heh it was interesting. We walked around 4 a long ass time...n i kinda saw a side to him i had never seen before...I know that sounds funny..but hey it's true. Anyway...so we walk around n i suggest we get ice cream so we do that n sit 4 a while ya no make fun of everyone who walks by or w/e. Then i say that we should ride the train. heh it was cute..we got close n cuddled or w/e while we watched the stupid cowboys shoot eachother...the fire part warmed us up tho. heh n then just our luck...it started 2 rain...which made it even MORE cold! arg. but then we run into joe n tom so we go sit somewhere n i listen 2 all these crazy stories about them watching...porn! i never woulda thought steve of all people. heh guy conversations our soo sick. seriously, i had no idea...i mean i figured they were perverted but wow. so yea that was my friday night...froze my ass off, participated in freakishly weird guy convos. ha. nice.

Well last nite was my first homecoming. it was so much fun! I felt kind of rushed getting ready but hey, i still pulled it off. I felt like i looked pretty good. So Barb came over and did my hair around 2:45. It looked really pretty, I never doubt Barb, heh. I had my hair curled n half up all pretty, then lil' curls on the sides of my face. Got lots of compliments on it too. So after i have my hair fixed I go upstairs and put my dress on, and make-up n what not. Allie gets here around 4:05. Cuttin kinda close, but we made it. She did look really stunning, despite what she said. Her hair looked cute, she looked like one of those models u see in the teen magazines, advertising 4 like red hair dye lol or somethin. Lauren got here next w/ Ray, they both looked cute too. No surprise there. Then scott get there n we all take pictures n then head over 2 amanda's house for MORE pictures. But im glad, i cant wait 2 see how they turned out. So around 5:10 we head to Helen Fitzgeralds 2 eat dinner. It was a really nice place n it was fun bein there w/ everyone. We all looked cute, and this old couple behind us even said so. heh i luv that kind of attention. The dance of course was the best part. I met up w/ alyssa who i think kind of got ditched from her group for dinner. heh sux 4 her. Well, at the dance great music played n i dance w/ diff. ppl which was good, heh so i didn't get bored. brad, my dancin' partner. hes always fun. heh i even danced w/ paul. he cracks me up. i danced w/ ben a little, i dn it was fun. but im jus not gettin him heh. im workin on it i guess. o well...lets see..um afterwards Allie wasnt feeling so good so she went home..i couldnt tell if she really felt sick or jus did not wunt 2 go 2 scotts w/ a bunch of ppl she didnt know, or like. hmm i gotta call that girl. but ne ways, i ended up leavin scott's around 12:15 or so. I was kinda wuntin 2 go 2 jeff's w/ Alyssa but she said they all got kicked out at 12. so o well. It's 2 bad its over kuz i had been looking forward 2 homecoming 4 like a while n now that it's over....i dn i wish it wasnt, heh. What a night. cant wait til next year...

So 2nite was our homecoming football game. what a horrible one it was too! ok...we had 2 freakin cheer in the rain. not fun. we were all soaking wet. but o well...thats not even the worst of it. so my mom decides to show up early, like at half time n well im in the alumni w/ kate alyssa n brad\\\'s older brother. lol all hangin out w/ 20 year olds. it was deff. interesting. but ne ways...my mom was there from like 7:45 to like 9:25. i felt very bad. ohh well. So..2morrow nite is HOMECOMING. im very excited...and yet kinda sad im not goin w/ who id really like to go w/. heh im talkin 2 him right now 2....we r gettin 2 no eachother w/ some extreamly personal ?\\\'s. lol o well its fun. omg i would so get on him! one of these days mayb that\\\'ll happen..heh i jus keep cluing 2 him that im interested so hey.

yea so friday was almost a complete nightmare. So i go 2 six flags and alyssa talked me into going w/ her druggie friends...britney, ashley, denise n them. I really only went kuz Allie was meetin me up there n i jus figured i'd use them 4 a ride n then jus ditch 'em. No prob rite? Wrong. It took 4ever 2 find allie...n alyssa wasnt helping at all...her constant bitching jus got 2 me 4 some reason..ha who woulda thunk? r ya pickin up my sarcasm? yes, good. So anyway, i finally find allie and as planned ditch the druggies. So then we meet up w/ dan n jarob oh and tommy too. omg..tommy was like saran wrap..i mean he's kool to talk 2 and everything but omg hes like a puppy dog. ahhhhrgggggg. But thats ok...heh. i got over it. So that night pretty much sucked...'cept 4 seein Allie, shes always fun n can cheer me up no matter how pissed i am.

soo...saturday i went 2 the mall w/ my mom 2 return the other 2 homecoming dresses. but as it turns out..one of the dresses was over 30 days late...n they refused 2 return it. heh but my mother...being the stubborn person she is, complained n bitched...n finally she convinced them 2 take the dress back. it was pretty damn funny actually. Then sunday i went tanning, kuz i really needed to do that. my back is all messed up kuz my cheerleading outfit left tanlines from the games we were at. it's pretty sad actually. Im thinking ill tan some more this week kuz it still needs 2 even out more in time for homecoming. Which is this saturday! im sooo excited! I finally talked 2 lauren and have the whole carpool, etc. figured out.

So i stayed home from school 2day. it was great sleepin in til 12:30. i also got 2 miss a test, so that was good. Except 4 the fact of making it up 2morrow. arg. and from wut i hear from jake, its really hard. he got a C on it, so that means ill be getting....a D. that sux. o well ill get over it.