::
2004 16 August :: 1.06 am
:: Mood: hmph
:: Music: Rick Wakeman-Journey to the Centre of the Earth (I wish I could find my Suzanne Vega)
Yesterday was fun...hung out with Josh and Justin...played some SSB:M with Josh, and Worms 3D with Justin...Megan invited me over for cake, but I had already made plans with Justin, although it's nice to see someone still wants my company on that side of the spectrum...
Today, we (McKinney's, Jacoby's, and my parents and I) had a meeting to discuss our upcoming massive block party/rave for our graduations...we accomplished some, but probably not as much as our parents' wanted...hmm, tough for the, I guess, having James and I in the same room...after the meeting, I went over to Carmen's and we watched a bit of Invader Zim...she conked out after about an hour, and I let her sleep until 5...I fiddled on the computer for awhile, while she slept, and when she awoke, we went to get dinner at the Bamboo Garden...well, before that, we visited Doug on his break...he was playing FFT:A, which as I know very well, is very addiciting...so it isn't any surprise that he was playing it...visiting Doug made wonder how many visits I'm going to be getting in these upcoming days...the only person who has visited me recently has tennis, and the other sleeps in {no offense in intended} and helps her mom out at work... also, the animals are gone, so there goes her excuse for coming {excuse for Mrs. East, that is})...after visiting Doug, we went home and ate, and then watched some TV and screwed around on the computer...later, we went to get a smoothie, talked to Jax for awhile, and drove around after seeing that they needed to close...took Carmen home after that...
I really want to help...I don't like seeing you this way...I know you're unhappy, but I wan't to make you happy...I try hard, maybe too hard, and if that's so, then I'm sorry...and I'm sorry when I get angry...I can't seem to help it...it is a million things that are causing me to act this way...it is caused by the realization that what I'm doing isn't doing anything but making you more upset, doubts, insecurities, etc...but I am here, and I will not give up, ever...you once told me that I make things not suck when Chris was busy, and well, that is what I intend to do...
Quote of the day:
"Burial ground of ancient man, his life no more is seen,
A journey through his time unknown, I wonder where he's been"
2 seeds |
it takes a death and only God can allow it |
::
2004 15 August :: 2.03 am
Oh Danny boy, the pipes, the pipes are calling
From glen to glen, and down the mountain side
The summer's gone, and all the flowers are dying
'tis you, 'tis you must go and I must bide.
But come you back when summer's in the meadow
Or when the valley's hushed and white with snow
'tis I'll be there in sunshine or in shadow
Oh Danny boy, oh Danny boy, I love you so.
And if you come, when all the flowers are dying
And I am dead, as dead I well may be
You'll come and find the place where I am lying
And kneel and say an "Ave" there for me.
And I shall hear, tho' soft you tread above me
And all my dreams will warm and sweeter be
If you'll not fail to tell me that you love me
I simply sleep in peace until you come to me.
1 seed |
it takes a death and only God can allow it |
::
2004 14 August :: 8.39 pm
I wonder what quality of mine it is that allows everybody to feel they can walk all over me...I'm pretty sure that I do not deserve it, you know, the whole eye for an eye thing...I don't think I walk over other people, or take advantage of them, or treat them horribly...maybe it is just how I am to be, the whipping boy for everybody...and since I'm so forgiving, it doesn't really matter, does it?
5 seeds |
it takes a death and only God can allow it |
::
2004 13 August :: 1.08 pm
Hmm...well, I am car-less right now...had to take it up to Saturn due to the fact that the power keeps cutting out on me...other than that, my life has been pretty boring...I've been trying to teach Loudan the tuba...he is making some progress...it is a challenge, however, because I'm not to sure how to go about teaching this instrument...
speaking of instruments, I should call Michael, about many things, bassoon lessons for the most part...
I've been in a bad mood recently...I'm not sure exactly what it is that is causing it, although it may be my extreme lack of sleep...or me being fed up with my life...something like that, I guess...
I actually did something productive yesterday, I got my parking pass and student I.D. taken care of...so,yeah...nobody can say I don't do anything...
I'm lazy...too lazy to find a quote, and tell you guys information you want to know, or care about...
3 seeds |
it takes a death and only God can allow it |
::
2004 12 August :: 3.43 pm
*sigh*
I hate my life...
2 seeds |
it takes a death and only God can allow it |
::
2004 11 August :: 4.24 am
:: Mood: not good
:: Music: Dragonforce
*Yawn*
Longest day ever...and apparently it isn't over yet...I worked today from 9:30 until 8:30...I got home, was rather cranky and tired, so I just kinda bummed around...played a lot of ToS, and watched the Big Lebowski, which is hilarious...unfortunately, the gods were against us, and I couldn't talk with Carmen tonight...not much we could do about it...
I went to bed around 2:00, fell asleep for about fifteen minutes, until Ishmael tried to escape, and woke me up...he started to bite me, and then I realized that he was lacking food and water (which would be why he though my hand was food, and why he so desperately wanted to escape)...
A new year is coming up...I keep talking about it, maybe it is exciting me to how much new there will be in my life...last year brought so much new into my life; new friends, new experiences, new views, new interests...so hopefully more new to come...
seeing as it is quarter of 5, and I have band 9-4 tomorrow, I should get some rest...
1 seed |
it takes a death and only God can allow it |
::
2004 9 August :: 11.15 pm
:: Music: Dragonforce
Here it is again folks, the list of what Doug needs to buy (if he had the money, and could get off uilt free):
Books:
Time Travellers wife
Abhorsen Trilogy
His Dark Materials trilogy
Everything by Neil Gaimen
Catcher in the Rye
Ernest Hemingway collection
Games:
Boktai (GBA)
Splinter Cell: Pandora Tomorrow (GCN)
Either of the new Pokemon games (GBA)
Shining Force: Dark Dragon Rising (GBA)
Megaman Collection (GCN)
CDs (oh boy):
Blut Aus Nord: The Work Which Transforms God
In Flames: Lunar Strain (The)
Falconer: Enter a Glade Forlorn
Samael: Passage, Blood Ritual, and Worship Him
Cryptopsy: None So Vile, Blasphemy Made Flesh
Death: Human (but all eventually)
Anaal Nathrak: The Codex Necro, "When Fire Rains Down From the Sky, Mankind Will Reap as it Has Sown" (two titles)
Tiamat: Wildhoney
Edge of Sanity: Crimson 2
Ayreon: Enter the Magic Castle
Non-metal:
Led Zeppelin: #2, In Through the Out Door, Presence
Genesis: The Lamb Lies Down on Broadway, Selling England for a Pound
(so many more)
Movies:
LOTR: Return of the King (Extended)
Evil Dead Trilogy
Indiana Jones Trilogy
Sealab 2021 DVD
Space Ghost DVD
ATHF DVD
Rest of Excel Saga
Rest of Yokaze No Yojimbo
(more, but too lazy)
2 seeds |
it takes a death and only God can allow it |
::
2004 9 August :: 1.05 am
:: Mood: weird...lonely...
ROLLOUT!
Well...it is a new week...school is coming up, and so is band camp...I'm going to be a squad leader...gonna corrupt freshmen (just kidding)...it should be a lot of un though...it is my last year, so I really need to start going after colleges and stuff, but I sure do need to take my time in my senior year...make new friends, strengthen old ones, and just have a blast...last years seniors are going to be gone, which, for the most part, doesn't bother me one bit...however, there are the special few who I will miss...Carmen, Doug, Esther, just to name a few...sure is going to be different...but now it is my turn to befriend a younger person, and help them through their life (just as Carmen did with me, be it unintentional, or intentional...) I'm going to need to find something to do before band every Friday...no more Carmen and Doug to go get dinner with, or have fun adventures with in Dollar General, and the Demon Panda Love-Child...no more Rollouts...
Once band camp starts up, it is going to be really hectic for me...I'm going to have to work at 9, until noon, and then go to band from 1 until 4, and then again at 7...my psych class will start up the 23rd, which will give me even more stress, but it should be a blast none the less...I'm looking forward to it, especially because I'll be a senior tuba this year...with many devious plans in mind...and I have Joe along to help me carry them out...mwuhahahahaha...
My life has been rather stressful lately...I've really been worrying about my friendships with Carmen and Amanda...luckily, my mom and I are on good terms once again, so no worries there...and it looks like the good times will be with Carmen and I now...however, I'm not too sure with Amanda...today is the first day that we've hung out since...well...a long time...we went to Friendly's, and then I took her home...she was in a bad mood (not my fault, this time) and so I can't really count today in the whole attitude-finding-out-of...yeah...
Been hanging out with Josh recently, which is great fun...I can't believe that I haven't been hanging out with him...but I will hang out with him some more, which is good...
Actually talked to Emily the other day online...she was gonna call me Tuesday night while she was at the fair, but she didn't get a chance to or didn't go, I can't remember...I'm not sure what I was looking for when I talked to her online...
I can't really hang around with Lauren, because it makes Eric feel a bit insecure...so I'll keep away from Lauren, and let her come talk to me if anything...
and for more randomness, I hope that I will be selected to be in All-State band...I know I'll make District Honor's band, so that will be cool...need to have stuff to tell the audition people...when I do audition, that is...
Tonight, I went to see Miami's presentation at the Holiday Inn in Perrysburg...it was boring, I didn't pay attention...the only thing that made it worth my while (not really, though) was when I asked the one student about the music program (the one who went through it), and learnded that it wasn't bad at all, and it may now be one of my choices...yeah...
I bought Tales of Symphonia on Friday, and have ben playing it pretty much non-stop since then...it is such a great game...I like Tales of Phantasia better, though...it was, well, more likable, for some reason...but ToS is still a ver great game...it has even taken me away from GunBound! *gasp*!
Currently, I am listening to Carmen talk about the Blind Date episode she is watching...too bad I can't be there with her...I'd love to be...I miss her, but at least I can talk to her...
Tomorrow, I have a dentist appointment...blech...
Quote of the day:
"Rollout!"
4 seeds |
it takes a death and only God can allow it |
::
2004 5 August :: 12.04 am
:: Mood: depressed...
:: Music: Edge of Sanity-Crimson
Carmen is slipping away from me...I hate it, and it is my fault...I've been trying to reinstate the bond that was between us, but with everything else in my life falling away, how am I supposed to? I can't help but feeling that every day I manage to push Carmen even further away...at one point in time, we had no trouble finding what to do together...now it seems like a chore, a burden, and it just incurs arguements...
I really don't know what to do or to think anymore...I really need to find out how to cheer Carmen up, because I'm worried about her...it seems often that she is irritable only with me, though, even though I'm trying to help...maybe I should just give up, stop trying to make her happy, stop trying to get things back to the way they were...accept the fact that this is how it is, and give up, which is something I do not want to do...I don't want to throw the towel in...
I have no clue how things are between me and Amanda...whenever I bring up the subject, we somehow get turned around in it, and we're talking about something completely different...our friendship is no longer as concrete as it used to be...I don't have it to rely on anymore...I haven't even spent time with her since before I left for Wooster...
Things aren't good between my mother and I...she just waits until she can't take it anymore, and goes off on me without forwarning...my dad has to come warn me when things are upsetting my mother, so I can come try to work on it...it hasn't been working at all...
1 seed |
it takes a death and only God can allow it |
::
2004 4 August :: 2.22 am
:: Mood: Sick
:: Music: Opeth-MAYH
Well, today wasn't too bad...got to hang out with Josh and Carmen...went swimming after the fair, after looking for Josh's keys...I'm feeling a bit insecure with my friendships...actually a lot...I can never tell where I stand with my two nearest friends...I still don't know one well enough to know what her reactions mean (i.e. how she responds online, which words she uses, etc.)...hopefully everything will become more clear as time goes on (or counts down, as it may be)...but times like tonight kind of push that insecurity away...which is good...
Fiar is rather boring this year...maybe it was because I am/was sick, causing me to not hav ea good time...I'm not sure, but it soon became apparent that I wanted to be anywhere but there...who knows, it's all a m'stery to me...well, now I'm off to bed, to get some rest, to get over this cold...tomorrow's a new day...might go to this media thing at the UCF...hmmzor...
Est-ce que je suis ton chauffage encore?
it takes a death and only God can allow it |
::
2004 31 July :: 12.32 am
:: Mood: tired...
I was really freaking out last night...a lot...and well, it has gotten better...I still feel completely dead inside...and well, yeah...
Tomorrow, I have work, but before I go to work, I'm going to get my car washed...and after work, I'm heading off to Otterbein...not busy, but long and whatever...I dunno...
it takes a death and only God can allow it |
::
2004 30 July :: 4.10 am
I am dieing and rotting from the inside
I'm so fucking paranoid and stressed...
1 seed |
it takes a death and only God can allow it |
::
2004 30 July :: 2.10 am
:: Mood: depressed, feeling unimportant
:: Music: Ayreon-The Human Equation
Well, I was supposed to be in bed by 1, but I'm too emotionally down right now to go to bed...I feel unimportant...I almost feel as if I'm hindering Carmen from having a good time when she wants to still go out after she leaves my house, when it's my curfew...I haven't been able to talk to her in a while either, because she gets in late and I fall asleep...I haven't talked to her about this yet, because, well, like I said, haven't been able too...but I'm not blaming her for going out and having a good time, nor do I want to make her feel bad...I just want to let everyone know about the bad mood that will ensue (and has been lurking around lately)...
Last night, I had a rather important conversation with Amanda...she stated how she was feeling, and well, did what she had to...and I'm proud of her, for doing that...it is one of the traits I admire in her...
Tonight was the first band rehersal of the year...and well, it was good...we had two freshman tubas there (little Stoots and little Terry), along with Marcus...it was good, and afterwards, got Josh hooked (hopefully, mWUAHAHAHHA) on Gunbound...
I ordered Ceremony of Opposites today...
Quote of the day:
"[Agony] I am pain
I am the end, I am your wraith
Nothing remains
I'm the loss of hope and faith
[Me] I can't believe there is no way out...
[Agony] You'll I find you are wrong
[Me] You fill me with doubt...
[Agony] You were never that strong"
2 seeds |
it takes a death and only God can allow it |
::
2004 28 July :: 2.10 am
:: Mood: destructive
So I seem to have lost my ear-bud things for my headset...and all the others do not fit well...I might invest in a new one of these...
I haven't really update in the last month...it's not that there hasn't been much going on in my life...there has...my last year at the wonder wooster music camp came and went so quickly, I almost didn't think it happened...it was such a wonderful time, though...everything was how I remembered it...the mkaing of new friends was especially great...met two kids who I could chum around with on a regular basis, who'd put up with my antics, along with Coomes' antics...I made first chair Dubuy band, which was nice...made me feel good about my abilities as a bassoonist...I definitely want to continue on in life as a bassoonist, either it be as a career or as a hobby...either way, I do not want to lose this ability...
I did see Jess, albeit only for a brief period of time...(I happened to see someone who looked like her walking towards the back door, and well, I had to use the restroom anyways, so I went...ran into her in the hallway, chatted briefly about the concert, and continued on to the bathroom)...Jess unfortunately had to leave with her parents quickly after the concert, so I was unable to talk to her, which was a major bummer...kinda upset me for the rest of the night, something I'd been looking forward to for a year fell through...there is always next year, as both our siblings are planning to go back to the camp...
my life got rather busy for a moment in time...I was juggling three "major" events (baseball, work, and the opera), but managed to skin through with minor upset...the operas were fun, I look forward to working under Karen this fall (for both the opera and school play)...there is the dilemna dealing with a JT concert (perhaps the only time I'm able to see them perform) and the opera (Marriage of Figaro, my favorite)...I could try and get out of the one night of the opera, and still work the other two...we'll have to see on that...
started looking into colleges, which isn't very fun...it is very much a reminder that my childhood is coming to an end very soon...I'll need to make it last as long as possible...
I went and saw the Bourne Supremacy twice, and Anchorman once, both good movies (although in different ways)...tonight, I watched "The Usual Suspects" with Carmen...it was a good night...
Quote of the day:
There I was, nervous and shy
Struck with awe as I caught her eye
I mustered up courage and walked her way
Figuring out what to do...what to say
3 seeds |
it takes a death and only God can allow it |
::
2004 27 July :: 1.08 am
:: Music: Open Faced Surgery
Aww, the pure sound of Cryptopsy on my ears...leading me into the night...here I am, spending my night like I've spent most of my other nights, playing Gunbound, after a day of driving away my friends with my usual behavior...getting upset by the smallest things, having a short temper, combining those last two...yeah...
Of course, this may be just the normal, over-reacting me...who knows...
maybe I shouldn't even be posting this...
I feel like writing some poetry...
3 seeds |
it takes a death and only God can allow it |
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