shiznit05
|
::
2004 16 October :: 9.45pm
its been awhile, but no one has complained, so i'll assume it didnt really matter
lots have happened lately...ive been busy, mostly with work..its not bad, i like most of the people, and i get frequent visitors, so its nice...for a job at least
clarinet auditions came and went....1st chair, im excited and scared all at the same time. its quite an accomplishment...im proud of myself...sara got third which is awesome, and carrie powell will be sitting in between us...mr headley will hate us, but its fine...i never really liked him anyway
i spent soem time with erica this week...i love that girl, i really wish i spent more time with her, we're so different yet so alike all at the same time...recent occurances have made me wish i would have held on tighter to certain people than i did...it sucks, and its hard to get it all back
i went in this week to talk to mrs dever...convince her im not crazy...it was just a poem, a poem i really liked, and still really like, the structure was mind blowing, and so what if the topic was touchy? it doesnt mean i related to it...not at this point in time...and i appreciate the concern, really i do, it is comforting to know that teachers will take the time out to contact a parent when their child reads something about suicide...however, the reaction it got from some of my friends is kinda iffy...you guys are my friends, right? i would have thought that you guys knew me well enough to know that im not like that...not now. idk, it seems like a bunch of bull to me...such crap. idk, like i understand i get quiet a lot of the time, and i dont speak too much about whats going through my head, but i would have thought that years of friendship would kinda clue you guys in on thats how i work. im not a talker...thats why i failed at therapy. i have long drawn out conversations, i think they can hurt more than they can help, i work things out in my head and thats normally where it stays. i apologize if its frustrating to you. i know it is. doug is a prime example....he hates it when i dont talk, but he knows its how i work...he understands it, and lets it go. and i also understand that talking can help...sharing feelings can help...however, i dont share feelings, i hate to break it to you, but im a bottler...its just easier that way. i like it that way. sharing feelings makes me feel vulnerable and it just doesnt work for me. for me. thats the key to this all...this is ME, its how i work...im sorry
i think its time to take a time out for awhile
it takes a death and only God can allow it
|
|
shiznit05
|
::
2004 4 October :: 9.21pm
its been awhile again...and again i am sorry
homecoming is over..and i dont think i could be happier. dont get me wrong, i really do enjoy working, and decorating, because its basically a chance for me to hang out with poeple i dont normally get the chance to...i spent like 2 straight days with kaylene, i never see britt unless its sab related, so it was actually a lot of fun...however, because i was working for sab, schoolwork kinda took a backseat, which isnt so hot. my calc grade could use some real help, so we'll see how that turns out, i think i'll ask B tomorrow what my grade is...i was to scared to ask her today...
i started working last week, its not so bad, ive only had 4 hours shifts though...we'll see how i feel when they start working me later and longer...
football games have been going well...the boys won against northview and perrysburg, but lost to AW, thats alright though...better than i thought we'd be doing...no offense really, i think i may be skipping the springfield game though...as much as id hate to, other things have popped up that are of a higher priority...
ive been regressing a lot lately...thoughts keep entering my mind that i havent had since i was in like 5th or 6th grade when i was at my worst point..i dont know why they've come back, and its odd because i acknowledge them, i tell myself that they're wrong, but the thoughts keep coming, but i guess as long as i realize what they are and know that i shouldnt be having them, im better off than when i truly believed them...that doesnt make sense to you probably, but i really have no one to share this with, and getting it out makes me feel better, so if you're at all confused just dont worry about it...its nothing hopefully
the word smug comes to mind....
i wish i could take back a lot of things...i dont know if its necessarily a feeling of regret, but if i could go back in time, i dont think i would have told him half of the things i did. and its not even that i dont trust him anymore, im sure he wont go around boasting this to the world, there's no reason to, but at the same time, i dont like having that information out there anymore, i wish i could keep it all in...i've actually gotten to the point where i wish i never would have told anyone...idk, i guess its good that they know, in case they ever have to deal with me/it...but idk, i like hiding, and i cant really do that now....idk, im such a mess right now with this whole thing, i keep going around in circles with myself
i skipped out on homecoming this year...from what i hear, i didnt miss anything...instead i went to the pearl jam concert...in a word: amazing. before the show began people were out having political discussions...people were running around getting as many people to register to vote as possible...Eddie Vedder went out into the crowd a few hours before the show and discussed the election with fans...how cool is that?? i think its awesome. but once the concert started it was all about the music, which i think is wise, i dont think it would have been very smart for the bands to go up there and give a pro kerry speech when there are people in the audience that were pro bush...not everyone went to the concert becuase of their political views, a lot of people went because of the music, which is fine, and which is why i think it was smart to not start lecturing once put on stage...so, yea, it was awesome
im starting to get back into the weing of going to classes...im not as far behind as i once feared and the teachers are really being nice about the whole being behind thing...i think i lucked out with my group of teachers this year..thank God
at the beginning of the year, i used to think i would be sad when the end of football season came...idk if i feel that way anymore..i mean, it'll be bittersweet, but once its over...we've got wintersports to look forward to, not that i do any, but that means i can start off season training for track...well hopefully that is..i dont know if we still plan on doing it, i really want to, so i guess time will tell
i stayed up late friday night chatting with megan for a bit after everyone left...its amazing how i can feel better after talking with her...i didnt even talk about anything of any importance, its not like we sat there and laid out on the table everything that was bothering us...we just sat there, and chatted about whatever came to mind, ate some frozen yogurt, and nothing more...yet at the end, i felt completely at ease...
i wish i had enough trust in people to really talk sometimes...
you know what i like? bus rides home from football games. i get like 30 minutes of douggie time, which i havent had in what seems like forever...its just nice :)
hmm...i need to start sending in my college apps...
thats all, sorry it was so long!
it takes a death and only God can allow it
|
|
shiznit05
|
::
2004 23 September :: 5.09pm
haha long time...long long time
so fuck me. i hate it when i get so stubborn about something...my mind is completely set on it, i refuge to budge, and then someone says something that makes me completely second guess myself. im talking about the dance here. i was set on not going...i turned away a perfectly good date - thats how averse to going i was. then i was talking to someone about living up my last year of high school and not caring about things that wont matter in a few years...fuck me. im still not going, i have other plans for that night, plans im really excited about...but now i have this little voice in the back of my head wondering what all i'll be missing...the wonderful after party im going to be missing...the kodak moments i wont be there to catch and have my mom scrapbook...idk, it sucks, but at the same time, i know i'll have fun also...very frustrating
so, anyway, it has been awhile since my last update...life's been busy, thats the main reason for the delay...im constantly going somewhere, painting something, calling someone, shopping for something, or running late to a meeting. school work has become less important, im horribly behind, eating? whats that?? i dont have time for lunch - well i take that back, i have time, but im too busy thinking about other things that by the time i think to go get food i have 3 minutes until the bell rings and theres just no time...im normally late getting to AP after lunch anyway. i get out of school after 6th...doesnt matter...i'm still there until like 4 everyday anyway, ive actually left a few days at 150 when im supposed to...i get home and im confused as to what im supposed to do. ive also fallen back into the routine of falling asleep when i get home...its never a good sleep though, i feel extremely groggy when i wake up and it would have been better had i never closed my eyes...
im greatful for being busy though...i fear what would happen if i would be left with myself for too long...my parents are gone this weekend, and i plan on staying with mike at his place...if he'll have me that is. i dont know what it is, but the idea of being alone really creeps me out now...i dont trust me by myself...im horribly regressing lately, and i need, NEED, to figure out how to reverse it...fuck
my mom won tickets to CP...only 2 though...i think she and my dad should go up, but that wont happen...i should steal them and go up with a friend...i need to find someone who loves rollercoasters as much as i do...hmm
this next month needs to pass really quickly
1 seed |
it takes a death and only God can allow it
|
|
shiznit05
|
::
2004 9 September :: 8.04pm
mr tim8: i thought of you today
mr tim8: imnot going to lie
WulffMsc: aww, yay
WulffMsc: why? lol
mr tim8: i was taking a geology quiz
mr tim8: and the question was like
mr tim8: in the igious rock cycle please explian why rocks may have very simlar comaptions but have very different texture please explain why this happens and cite two rocks that this is evedint in and explain how it would accor in nature
mr tim8: and i was like
mr tim8: hm man
mr tim8: i wish brittany was here
WulffMsc: haha
WulffMsc: thats great
mr tim8: what was even greater was i knew that answer
tim is my favorite
it takes a death and only God can allow it
|
|
shiznit05
|
::
2004 6 September :: 10.40pm
i actually ate today...a full meal...i think thats the first time in a little over a week...i felt horrible afterwards, but i ate, theres nutrients in me now...that is a plus
sunday ian daniel and i ate lunch at arbys...we're real winners, we stayed there for 3 hours, adam met us for a bit, we talked to the twins and ran into bob, it was nice, i really enjoyed it...i think ian and i need to make this lunch thing a weekly event...i like our little games of catch up :) ian adam and i went to meijer...hung out with bob while he worked, i bought ian a candy car...ian took me back to my car where we had a 5 minute catch up session...it was a great session though, i met adam at finders, where amanda then met us, we went to dans and stayed there the rest of the night, and did a shit load of nothing, stevie and megan also joined us there
today...slept until 11, that was glorious, i felt like a big bum though, and i did nothing, but today was the first day in awhile that ive felt ok about things, and ive continued to feel ok about things even though nothing has really changed...id hate to say it, but maybe im just getting used to it, even though this isnt something that anyone should ever have to get used to...idk, all i know, is im feeling better
it takes a death and only God can allow it
|
|
shiznit05
|
::
2004 4 September :: 1.39pm
:: Mood: distressed
:: Music: KBV2
first week of school....done
first two football games....done
feeling better....fuck
i feel like shit, and i have for awhile, ive gotten to the point where i dont eat because food looks in no way appetizing, i dont sleep because of this constant feeling of discomfort, i just hurt, and im getting sick of it. i told stevie i'd just like to fast forward a bit and see what happens, thatd be great. but i was thinking about it...this is all self-enduced..not the actual thing thats causing it but the reaction...i just need to learn to move on and i'll be alright, but theres this constant feeling, and i know exactly what it is, and i know it wont go away for awhile until i actually discuss it, however, i dont see that discussion coming up anytime soon...so bare with me for awhile...this looks like its gonna be a long road, but i promise, i'll get my act together someday..i actually think ive been doing fairly well, i mean, my ability to hide shit really surprises me...im stronger than i thought
school actually hast been bad...ive grown to hate band, calc is fun though, physics could use some activity, govt...well, i just talk to hess the entire time...and AP normally shows for some fun times, and art i can sit there in solitude for awhile and its nice. im able to leave right after 6th, but lately ive been staying the entire day to work on things for either band or sab...next week i'll have to work on sab at least twice...im starting to wish i wasnt so involved with everything...
i got to see aunt elaine last night..she was at the game...she said megan and i can go for a visit...im taking her up on that...some time away from ohio is much needed right now...out of sight, out of mind right? probably wouldnt work
i also saw the herringshaws metcalfs wensinks and mershmans at the game....so many people to say hi to!!
homecoming is soon...makes me want to cry a lot...very stressful, i dont even want to think about the hours of work im gonna have to put into that
how long until graduation??
it takes a death and only God can allow it
|
|
shiznit05
|
::
2004 31 August :: 3.34pm
:: Mood: indescribable
first day of school...over
last night megan called me and asked if i wanted to go watch amandas game with her...well, it was that or work on my idea/quote lists some more so i eagerly accepted...my very first volleyball game, it was exciting, i need to learn the calls though and then i think i'll understand it all a little bit more. but before the game, i was at megans house and we were looking at pictures of megan and aaron from when they were little...i miss being little...that time in your life where nothing matters as long as theres a game to play, and your bed waiting for you at night. but anyway, we went to the hs for the game, picked up our yearbooks which are a vast improvement from the year before. went to the sundae station afterwards and quickly headed home because it was fast approaching 930 and i still have some work to do...
so..first day of my senior year...mom took my picture this morning...kinda cute. classes i think are going to be ok...band is band..calc will be fun, 5 girls and like 20 guys haha. but brighman is fun, and we get along. physics i have ian and tara...gov't i have with hess, so it should be entertaining to say the least...AP will kick my ass, and art is intriguing, i know i wont be the best at it, but i still think it'll be fun, plus ive got adam lingering around the room also, which is nice...then i get to go home early...so i went to see mom, told her all the shit i need to buy, ran to the CA, contemplated going to see coach, but decided against it...too many small people around to face it alone, i'll wait until adam decides to come with me
now i have a 2 page journal to write, a calc worksheet and some forms to fill out...yay for school...
it takes a death and only God can allow it
|
|
shiznit05
|
::
2004 23 August :: 9.53am
:: Mood: happy, but pissed because i have to go to band
:: Music: final fantasy 5 and 6!!
havent updated in awhile...eh
ok, so lately, ive felt like ive been going around completely blind folded, and i havent been able to find anything, it's like i was in a damn meadow...then last night i finally hit a wall. pretty hard too. it was one of those...smack yourself on the forehead, cause the biggest welt because you're the biggest dork ever kinda things. i already knew what i found out...but hearing it from the source helped soooo much. i think we may have finally reached the ok stage...like the ok ok, no the ok but sometimes not ok stage that we've been in for awhile. makes me happy. well, plus the fact, i have a sweet ass euchre partner now haha
this weekend was a lot of fun. friday we had the freshman breakfast, so stevie sara and i went out after about 2 hours of sleep and picked up some three very surprised freshmen. went to the HS at 6am and ate some food, played some ridiculous games and then came home. i think they really enjoyed themselves...they got a better freshman breakfast than we did. came home...got ready for my interview (yea i know, britt working...such a shocker..) but yea, got the job, so now i have to go through all that work permit shit and ugh, anyway, left here with sara to go get dani! that was tons of fun, raining hardcore, the fort was basically one big puddle, went to the mall to grab some subway and shop a little before going to the guys' scrimmage...they looked good, but i guess we'll wait until friday to see how good. left the scrimmage early and went to grounds and then to amandas...watched the olympics and then left. did a lot of explaining to dani..filled her in on pretty much everything, shes the whole...unbiased opinion you want to hear :)
saturday we woke up and headed into town...ran an errand for band and then went to megans to help her pick out a pair of glasses shes wants...now you're thinking, picking out glasses that should take like 3 minutes...it did. then we talked for about 50 haha. we watched her paint her room and just chatted...gotta love megan. and her family because we got a free cake from them instead of having to go buy one. granted it said 'chris happy 13th'. adam was able to scrape off the chris, make the 3 into an 8 and draw a dolphin on it with the frosting dani and i went to kroger to buy. the cake looks really good, so daniel adam dani and i sat and watched both kill bills...amanda came out during the first one? idk, she came sometime. had stevies party that night...she was complteely surprised...expecially when she cut the cake and found some money bundled up inside for her tattoo :) she loves us haha. so i actually get to go todya and watch her get it...im kinda creeped out but at the same time, incredibly intrigued. played a lot of euchre that night...so much fun, made dinner which was great, it was just an amazing night...
sunday, dani and i left here arounf 1,went to finders...found both the kill bill sound tracks that i realy want and will soon have and she cought aerosmith g.h., went to panera, sat around there for over an hour just chatting, went to for keeps, and then visited daniel at the library...talked to mrs dunn! i love mrs dunn...shes so cool. came home, cleaned the house, then bill and robin came and they left...sad, i miss dani already! haha, i'll make her come up again during the school year :)
went tod ans last night, played euchre, and sat around...gotta love it
well, i think that was upbeat enough :)
1 seed |
it takes a death and only God can allow it
|
|
shiznit05
|
::
2004 17 August :: 10.53am
Well tell me do you think it'd be alright
If I could just crash here tonight
You can see I'm in no shape for driving
Anyway I've got no place to go
And you know it might not be that bad
You were the best I'd ever had
If I hadn't blown the whole thing years ago
I may not be alone
Tomorrow we can drive around this town
And let the cops chase us around
The past is gone but something might be found to take its place
Hey Jealousy
Hey Jealousy
Hey Jealousy
Hey Jealousy
You can trust me not to think
And not to sleep around
And if you don't expect to much from me
You might not be let down
'Cause all I really want is to be with you
Feeling like I matter too
If I hadn't blown the whole thing years ago
I might be here with you
Tomorrow we can drive around this town
And let the cops chase us around
The past is gone but something might be found to take its place
Hey Jealousy
Tomorrow we can drive around this town
And let the cops chase us around
The past is gone but something might be found to take its place
Hey Jealousy
Hey Jealousy
Hey Jealousy
Hey Jealousy
Well tell me do you think it'd be alright
If I could just crash here tonight
You can see I'm in no shape for driving
And anyway I've got no place to go
And you know it might not be that bad
You were the best I'd ever had
If I hadn't blown the whole thing years ago
I may not be alone
Tomorrow we can drive around this town
And let the cops chase us around
The past is gone but something might be found to take its place
Hey Jealousy
Hey Jealousy
You know she took my heart
Well there's only one thing I couldn't start
1 seed |
it takes a death and only God can allow it
|
|
shiznit05
|
::
2004 17 August :: 10.32am
:: Mood: kinda blah
so the long awaited viewing of Kill Bill Volume 2 happened on sunday...it was sweet, i plan on watching it again soon. but hoenstly i cant figure out which one i like more...the first volume had amazing action sequences, but the second one wasnt exactly lacking in that either...the second one developes the plot (obviously) but what made the first one so great was the mystery of the entire thing also...idk, i almost cant compare them. but yes, it was sweet
daniel adam and i went over to megans then afterwards...were bums for a bit, then got some games of euchre going...so much euchre! it was a lot of fun though...card games just have the ability to take your mind off of everything and make it seem not so bad...but as soon as the cards go back in the box you're stuck again. so soon after the games wrapped up i left, i couldnt take it anymore. but yay for euchre...hopefully dani knows how to play bid..if not, she will learn. i know she already knows the concept of euchre because we've played turn up together, so it wont be difficult to teach her.
first dya of band camp yesterday...not so bad, i just realized that being at band for more than 2 hours is kind of a chore. but i found some freshman that make it not horrible...they actually make it kinda fun, because they learn quickly so its easy...my shoulders really hurt today, i really wish they werent so weak sometimes, think of how sweet i would be at throwing if they werent weak....dammit, eh. but yea, i got acquainted with my store..and i will continue to do so for the rest of the week, and at some point in time, i'll figure out a name and actually make a sign...one of these days...
officers were introduced last night to the entire band...tons of cheering, it felt sweet, idk, normally i dont like being the complete center of attention, but that was cool. it was just a nice feeling to have everyone yelling and clapping for YOU. kinda cool :)
senior meeting last night...i started off with the job of signing people up..then i got backed into a rack of uniforms and they kept coming closer...very creepy, i didnt like it, its the first time thats ever really happened, and it was almost scary, so i just handed off the paper and got out of there, it was so weird...then i retreated back to my store and closed up, calmed me down a bit before getting ready to leave
the trucks back passenger break light and blinker are out...therefore, my mom has it today, i have to drive the neon..i dont really mind though, its kinda nolstagic, i kinda miss that car sometimes...i miss the gas mileage...and the faster rate at which i can whip it around...mmm
thats it, gotta go get ready for camp
it takes a death and only God can allow it
|
|
shiznit05
|
::
2004 13 August :: 10.00am
:: Mood: it changes about every 5 minutes
ok, ive really been avoiding this thing like it was the plague. i just dont know what to write in here...i know something i dont want to write about, but i fear that if i start to mention one little thing about it, i wont be able to stop...i havent been able to tell anyone how i really feel about it, because i dont think its appropriate to. i know that after i basically spilled everything in my head, i would end up feeling like such a burden for involving them. this is a situation that i dont think anyone should encounter...it sucks a lot.
fair came and went. it was a lot of fun though. something new...did a lot of walking, which i discussed the benefits of that with stevie last night, so the two of us are gnna start going on walks now...hopefully. saw tons of people at fair, it was nice. worked the milkshake booth which went by really quickly becuase it was basically hanging out with friends for two hours...so much fun :) little shaw is rapidly becoming one of my favorite people to scoop ice cream with haha. that and the fact that he and trent are MESSY! so all in all, i give the fair a B...you know what would make it better?!?! lawn mower racing! hahaha...ugh
squad leader training went really well...basically gave me an excuse to hang out with bielen and rush for 7 hours...no complaints there, bielen is hilarious so it all went quickly. got a lot accomplished and i think this year should be pretty good...shoop!!
allergies have been killing me off and on this last week...this last week was just a bad one haha. i think im getting used to it though..they only bother me in the morning, but by noon by nose feels fine, but then i just have to bare with the fact that the constant drainage from the morning makes my stomach hurt for the rest of the day...
i went bowling last night with adam and daniel..i beat them both the first game, but then lost to adam in the second. it was fun though...a little awkward at times, but i guess we're working on it...went to rallys...met up with amanda and stevie, chatted for a long time, gave up around 10 til 11 and went home...good times
meeting today...then chicken dinner then movie! AvP...yes.
1 seed |
it takes a death and only God can allow it
|
|
shiznit05
|
::
2004 12 August :: 11.34pm
Baby cried the day the circus came to town
'cause she didn't want parades just passin' by her
So she painted on a smile and took up with some clown
While she danced without a net upon the wire
I know a lot about 'er 'cause, you see
Baby is an awful lot like me
Don't cry out loud
Just keep it inside, learn how to hide your feelings
Fly high and proud
And if you should fall, remember you almost had it all
Baby saw that when they pulled that big top down
They left behind her dreams among the litter
The different kind of love she thought she'd found
There was nothin' left but sawdust and some glitter
But baby can't be broken 'cause you see
She had the finest teacher-that was me-I told 'er
Don't cry out loud
Just keep it inside and learn how to hide your feelings
Fly high and proud
And if you should fall, remember you almost had it all
Don't cry out loud
Just keep it inside and learn how to hide your feelings
Fly high and proud
And if you should fall, remember you almost made it
Don't cry out loud
Just keep it inside and learn how to hide your feelings
Fly high and proud
And if you should fall, remember you almost had it all
it takes a death and only God can allow it
|
|
shiznit05
|
::
2004 4 August :: 2.33pm
I cannot find a way to describe it
It's there inside, all I do is hide
I wish that it would just go away
What would you do, you do, if you knew
What would you do
All the pain I thought I knew
All the thoughts lead back to you
Back to what was never said
Back and forth inside my head
I can't handle this confusion
I'm unable, come and take me away
I feel like I am all alone
All by myself I need to get around this
My words are cold, I don't want them to hurt you
If I show you, I don't think you'd understand
Cause no one understands
All the pain I thought I knew
All my thoughts lead back to you
Back to what was never said
Back and forth inside my head
I can't handle this confusion
I'm unable, come and take me away
I'm going no where [on and on and]
I'm getting no where [on and on and on]
Take me away
I'm going no where [on and on and on and on]
[and off and on and off and on]
All the pain I thought I knew
All my thoughts lead back to you
Back to what was never said
Back and forth inside my head
I can't handle this confusion
I'm unable, come and take me away
Take me away
Break me away
Take me away
Take me away
it takes a death and only God can allow it
|
|
shiznit05
|
::
2004 3 August :: 9.31am
:: Mood: FAIR WEEK!!!
tuesday...fair starts today! yay!! :):):) i love the fair...haha
yesterday i bummed around the house for a bit, solved some things, and then megan called...she needed some help with fair stuff so i gladly went with her...she'll be a busy girl this week so i figured i should fit in my megan time when i could. so i went with hre and her mom to an emergency trip to the educational service place thing...had a disaster there...went back to megans...went to the fair grounds, ended up pulling apart our disaster and then ended up re-doing it..then we looked at 4H stuff, set up stuff with papa johns people...saw steve about 80 times...chatted with andrew while he worked...finished up megans display, talked to more people...and then we headed home for tacos :) YUM i love tacos. sara came over, we sat around because thats all megan and i wanted to do. adam came, we played euchre...possibly the slowest hands ive ever played, but it was still good...we're still getting sara to the comfortable stage. then we went to ians hockey game...said about two words to ian and then he left fairly quickly without saying goodbye...ass..:) anyway, stopped at rallys, chatted with stram about the store, and left, it was good
now today....FAIR! :)
it takes a death and only God can allow it
|
|