:: 2005 30 May :: 1.47 pm

It's really hot outside. I was laying out for like two hours today and I was outside ALL day on Saturday. I'm really tan now and it's pretty awesome. I was laying outside in my front yard and Robin was like "Ashley, your hottie is home" so I look over and in the driveway is the guy that I think is so hot and he pulls in with his hummer I was like "YES!!!"

I don't even remember what I did this weekend but I went out to eat on Thursday night, Friday night, Saturday night, and Sunday night lol and this morning im like "dad did you know we went out four times in a row" and he goes "yeah im getting sick of it" but last night we went to tgi fridays with my dad, robin, my uncle chris, his g/f and my cousin Haileigh and the night before we went out to eat my dad made my cousin and I sit by ourselves at a differen't table because we are too loud and hyper so last night at tgi fridays we had to sit alone again and they were sitting next to us except they were in the bar part and we weren't so there was like a glass wall thing in between us and we were being loud so they moved farther down away from us lol and my cousin was singing really loud and dancing and my dad walked over to our table and im like "dad we are going to embarrass you" so my cousin was like "SHE BANG SHE BANG" and he wasn't even embarrassed so then he got up and started doing it even louder and everyone looked at us so my cousin and I were laughing hysterically and we ducked under the table lol and then someone called me and I had no idea that my phone was turned on as loud as it could go so it started ringing and everyone gave me this evil look and I talked on my phone the whole time I was eating for like 21 minutes and my dad told me to get off of it so I did and then someone else called and he came back and I was on it again but he thought it was with the same person and hes like "im gonna take ur phone away"

I talk on my phone way too much and yesterday like a million people kept calling me, emily called, then chloe and corbin, then Katelyn called me and then dan called me then I left my phone upstairs and I went up there and I had three missed calls. It was crazy but I'm becoming really good friends with Katelyn, shes awesome.

But other than that everything is pretty good. I'm going to the movies tonight it should be fun.

I'm really happy now. Things are fine and I'm so happy school is almost out because then I can just leave and go places and get away from this place. Hopefully when I go to Florida this summer I can stay for a few weeks. It should be fun.

But I g2g get ready.

lie awake

:: 2005 29 May :: 5.19 pm

I only think of you. It's breaking my heart. I'm trying to keep it together but I'm falling apart.

lie awake

:: 2005 29 May :: 12.06 am

I'm staring at your picture remembering each moment you made me laugh, I never thought it would end this way, that i'd still be missing you to this very day. I miss you being there but the thing that hurts most is you just don't care.

I wanna hold on but it hurts so bad. I can't keep something I never had.

Somehow I knew it would be this way, somehow I knew we would slowly fade.

lie awake

:: 2005 28 May :: 3.17 am

She did let me read those, just to let you know.

I figured it out.

I really should go to bed but im having a VERY important convo with Tyler. Well atleast I think it is anyways.

I think I'm going to see the house of wax tomorrow but anyways im the only one up in my house and my friends that are here are sleeping so I'm seriously going to go.

oh my friend made this for me. I didn't even ask for it but I checked my email and there it was.




okay good night.

*Ashley*

2 shooting stars | lie awake

:: 2005 27 May :: 3.38 pm

I can't erase you from my past, I can't delete you from my mind, all I can do is say goobye. I can't pretend you were never here. I can't fake it like it didn't hurt when you disappeared. I refuse to use a fake old grin but then again i'll never win. I can't pretend that I don't care, I can't pretend that you are near so I guess I'll just pretend to say goodbye.

lie awake

:: 2005 26 May :: 10.10 pm
:: Mood: tired

After today, what I heard,

I really don't like him anymore. It's all or nothing

Today was a bad day. In drama we were in the auditorium and all the seniors were walking by and H was standing in the hallway and so Brittani Matthews, Brie, and I were trying to go in the hallway to say hi to some of our friends but H wouldn't let us so we just stood behind him and then Andrea walked by and waved so I tried waving back to her but H just closed the door and wouldn't let us so we got pissed so we were going to go up at the top of the stage and go down the side stairs but then we knew we would get caught so Brittani Matthews and I went backstage and went out the side door and we seen some seniors so we were talking and when we walked back in and it was dark so I tripped on this metal brick thing and then she ran into the curtain ropes so we were laughing and we came out and H was standing right there waiting for us and he asked us what we were doing but we made up some lie and he knew that so he made Brittani and I sit down on the side of the stage. It was bad, he was in a bad mood and then yesterday Brittani Matthews and I had to have a talk with him because he said we've been screwing around, which isn't always true. Brittani and I have been hanging out a lot now, we never have before but shes really cool. So anyways today Justin, Kourtney, Me, Katy, Ari, Ashley, and Steve went out to lunch and Mrs. Scott seen us leave and she was standing right there and she didn't even care so we left and then I got back in and I was walking with them and Mr. H was standing by the auditorium and he goes "Little One, you can't go out to lunch" and I kept on walking and ignoring him, which didn't help and I'm like "okay..." and then he told Mrs. Wilde so now I got detentions from him. He knows everyone else besides Justin and Steve are sophomores but of course, I'm the only one who got detentions. It really pissed me off. Hes so dumb sometimes I swear. I didn't even know I was going to get a detention I thought I would get a warning since for everyone elses first time going out thats what they get and of course in 6th hour like 20 minutes before it was time to leave I get a detention and it said that I had to serve it by today. I was like fuck that I'm not serving it today and I'm not serving it period. I really will find my way out of this, I find my way out of everything. If nobody else got in trouble, then why should I?

2 shooting stars | lie awake

:: 2005 25 May :: 3.30 pm

Here we are back to stage one, back to were we started. This isn't what I expected. I expected a little more actually but I guess thats what I get for expecting something when it wont happen.

The difference between me and you is that I'm trying and your not.
Shes not fine, your a fucking moron to think that she is fine. I swear he is so stupid sometimes. I'm sticking up for you so much Brianna you have no idea. I never stick up for anyone, not even myself!

But anyways.

In drama Cory and I were playing dodgeball it was fun and then today Kevin came and seen me! I was so happy and then today during 5th hour Elyse and I were in the halls cleaning our lockers and Shelby came into school today too so she just hung out with us until she got in trouble. I was so glad to see them.

Today I couldn't stop thinking about it. Should I be happy? Shouldn't it make me happy? I started being happy and just accepting things for the way they are going to be but then something ruined it, what that was, I don't have ac clue. Even though its killing me I gotta see the things the way they are, not the way I wish they would be.

I really really want to talk to you but I can't tonight. I've been doing hmwk for like 3 hours and doing all my exam stuff. I need to go to bed but I guess I'll just have to wait then to talk to you.

I can't go to graduation tomorrow even though I was supposed to go but I have my photo shoot stuff to finish in Lansing at 4:00 and I don't know how long it's going to take and besides, graduation just makes me cry and realize that I wont see these people again after that anyways so I guess i'll skip that sadness.
But I'm going to go do more homework. I swear i'll be up to 12 again tonight. I always am now. People call me at like 11 now.

Oh and chloe or corbin calls me everyday .its cute. she called me yesterday morning while we were in school at like 7:35 but I still talked to her for like 10 minutes because Mrs. Millard never noticed I was on my phone.

lie awake

:: 2005 24 May :: 11.00 pm

I guess all I can do is wait and show you. I just gotta give this some time but I'm so impatient that I just want you to understand and see right now but you can't. I've got to wait and I hate that.

How could he ask me that? Seriously. Does he not understand that I am one of her friends? I could never do that to her. If she ever found out she would be so heart broken and I'm not about to break her heart. That would just be drama waiting to happen.

3 shooting stars | lie awake

:: 2005 24 May :: 6.48 pm

I have a headache. Today in drama Brittani Matthews was pulling one of my arms and H was pulling the other arm and he let go so I flew into Brittani and we both hit heads. Today was so funny though because we were split into two groups and we had to each do one minute movie scenes and our group decided to do starwars. It was so stupid and Brittani and I decided that we were going to screw it up so right in the middle of Adriannes part we ran out in the middle of the stage and started dancing and singing and then we ran back and then it was another scene and we were back stage and Brittani just pushed me out on stage so everyone seen me. We get too hyper if were around each other.

I need to stop being a bitch to everyone. I seriously can say I'm a bitch. Nobody says that about themselves but I do. I just have been so miserable lately that I am a bitch to everyone and I don't even want to talk to them. It really is horriable and it's time things change. I hate being this way. Starting now I'm never going to be this way.

Your obessed with him thats nice...

I'm still waiting to see if Chloe is moving back. I really hope she is. That would make me so happy you don't even know. If she moves back shes going to live with her aunt. I'm not sure where her aunt lives but I know it's far from Cedar so most of the time she's going to be living at my house, we already decided that lol!


I don't want to go to California this summer and I'm not going to.
Yeah, thats right, I said it. Big shocker there.

I'm talking to my Aunt and she was telling me how my cousin Haileigh looks up to me and all she hears is how great I am from her and I was like thats cool I guess and then shes like "she even has your picture as her screen saver" I was like omg that is the cutest thing I've ever heard. and that just made my day.

3 shooting stars | lie awake

:: 2005 23 May :: 7.31 pm

I'm so stupid.

5 shooting stars | lie awake

:: 2005 22 May :: 9.10 pm

I never really wanted you to see the screwed up side of me that I keep, locked inside of me so deep, it always seems to get to me. I never really wanted you to go, so many things you should have known. I guess for me there's just no hope, I never meant to be so cold.

You know thats what that is about.

2 shooting stars | lie awake

:: 2005 22 May :: 8.03 pm

Wow..I'm exhausted.

My weekend was really fun, but differen't to say the least.

Friday I went out to dinner with my family and then I went over to my friends (Nick, Maddie, & Erika's)

Saturday I came home and packed, did laundry, all the boring stuff and the my friend Shanda from my modeling school came over and then we drove to Detroit. Driving to Detroit seems like it takes forever, I should be used to the whole three hours now but I'm not. I was so hyper in the car. I don't think I have ever been so hyper. My mom was getting annoyed but I always annoy her lol and my mom and step dad love the song "Bless the Broken Road" and it used to be my favorite song but now I refuse to listen to it because it makes me sad so that song came on the radio and im like "change it" and my mom was like "noo its such a good song" and then they turned it up so I turned on my cd player and turned it up as loud as I could and I started singing but afterwards I guess I was yelling because it was so loud that I couldn't hear my voice. It was funny but anyways we got there and we stayed in a hotel and we watched drumline and then we went out to eat and we went to this steak place and we went there and nobody was there and we couldn't figure out why but when we got our menus everything each was like $30.00 so there was no way for just one person we were paying that much so we decided to leave but we already ordered our drinks so I'm like "im leaving before any of you and you all can follow after me" so I walked out and I went and waited by the car and then 5 minutes later Shanda and my mom walked out and then my step dad walked out a few minutes later and he told our waitor that we changed our minds lol so we went to a differen't place and then we went back to our hotel and went swimming and that was about it.

Sunday we woke up at 7:00 and started getting ready and practicing poses for our shoot since we didn't even know very many. My mom told us that there was breakfast in the lobby so we went down there to find it but we couldn't so we seen a whole bunch of computers so we just went online and then like 30 mins. later my mom comes down with my step dad and they are like "did you guys eat" and were like "noo we've been sitting here this whole time talking online" but anyways we never did eat at the hotel so we went out to breakfast and then we went to our modeling agency and by then I was so nervous. We had all these rooms to get ready in and then our photgrapher from New York showed up and was setting up everything and I was like "omg I can't do this" but we all got ready for our first look and we had to do 5 headshots and 5 full body shots with differen't poses for all so it was pretty confusing trying to think of differen't poses and then we did that for the second outfit too and then the 3rd we had to come up with 10 full body poses. It was horriable trying to think of them and the guy kept taking a million pictures. Hes like "Ashley, CLICK CLICK CLICK" I was like woah but it was really fun and then on one some of the pictures we had a fan blowing our hair back..it was sexy haha..It just felt weird having so many pictures being taken. Then we went out to eat afterwards again and then we drove home and on the way home I slept the whole time. It was awesome but now I don't think I'll be able to go to sleep.

I want to go to graduation but on that same day I have to do some photo shoot stuff in Lansing so I have to pick which one and also I'm going to be in a back to school fashion show in August but I think it's the same time I was planning on being in California so I have to pick between those too. I hate having to decide between things like those. That would be cool if I got to keep the clothes I modeled for in the fashion show but I doubt it. They are going to be expensive clothes and the stores will want there clothes back. Stupid stores.

But now I have to get in the shower and wash off all this makeup and they put fake eyelashes on me so I have the eyelash glue stuck to my eyelashes and theres so many tricks to modeling and there is this one that they did to me and it was sick. Instead of putting the eyelashes on the top of your eyelids they put them under your eyelids which was so gross and it hurt but they do that so you can't tell they are fake eyelashes and they look real. I didn't really enjoy that and then I have coverup all of my chest because I have tan lines from Florida and your not allowed to have them in your pictures so we had to cover those up. I'm just a mess.


<3 ashley

lie awake

:: 2005 22 May :: 7.52 am

Good Morning.

We are at the hotel right now. But I guess I have to go. I'm coming home tonight!
<3 ash

4 shooting stars | lie awake

:: 2005 21 May :: 11.33 am

I have a photo shoot tomorrow so I am leaving this afternoon to go wherever the place is at and we are staying in a hotel and then it is tomorrow and I have no clue how late it is going to go for so I'm not sure if I'll even go to school on Monday. We might just come home on Monday or something. I don't even know but I'm pretty excited I guess I just am in a bad mood because people make me that way. I hope everyones weekends are good. ttyl.

lie awake

:: 2005 21 May :: 1.10 am
:: Mood: happy

Tonight is when I decided I give up. I wasnt going to give up just for you but I can't do this any more. Now you can get what you want and you don't have to worry about me. It will make it easy for you. Everything will be better for you. I don't wanna make this harder than I have to. This is how you want it to be so this is how im going to try to make it. Theres so many things I want to say but you just don't listen to me anymore.Trying to change you only changed me and the only thing I wan't is the only thing I can't have. Sick of crying, Sick of trying, Sick at heart of missing you.


I lost. You win. I'm done. Great. Good night.

lie awake