well i guess this is growing up...
Jason's opening vignette: Someday, hopefully, I will be confident in my ability to live (almost) completely independent. I'm not there yet.

OK, so I've finally got internet at my house now. Woohoo! It's only dial-up, but it'll do for the time being. It's been so hard trying to get everything I need to do online in between classes, so this will hopefully make the day a little easier. Anyway, it's been a very rocky day, and I will share my thoughts and observations throughout the day, conviently prefixed with the time at which they were recorded! Lucky you! Yeah, anyway, on with it...

11:35am: "He senses my heart isn't in it anymore, and he follows in suit. I can't blame him."

12:10pm: "I want him to hurt, I want you all to hurt, to feel one ounce of the pain you have inflicted upon me. I want to turn it on you and make you hurt. I want you to suffer and the world to feel my pain."

12:40pm: "So many things just went wrong in quick succession. I can't breathe."

1:00pm: "My life is comprised of making mistakes, then repenting for said mistakes until I'm blue in the face, and then proceeding to make the same mistakes over again.

1:11pm: "Ben Folds was a very good choice for my mood. He needs to come out with another disc soon."

3:10pm: "That midterm went pretty well."

3:15pm: "I would love to learn to play the piano. I don't see it happening."

3:31pm: "He's so much like me it's scary sometimes."

3:41pm: "The key is not to let him, or anyone or anything else for that matter, get to me, but honestly, how the fuck is that going to happen?"

That's about it... oh yeah, I almost forgot: Kevin said "symbology" in World Cinema yesterday. Which is just plain wrong for a couple reasons: 1) He used it not as "the study of symbols" but instead as you would use "symbolism." and 2) "Symbology," of course, is not a word.

Lion King!


What movie Do you Belong in?(many different outcomes!)
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You are Jack's enemy. You are too worried about
your looks to be in Fight Club, so Jack beats
the shit out of you and calls you a panda. Bye
bye Mr. Poser. Haha


Which Fight Club character are you?
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There are so many developments and complications and updates in everyone else's lives right now, mine seem trivial. Things are good though. Yet...

The impermanence of life and everything in it has left me with no direction. I've come to grips that I can turn anything on or off with enough effort, that I can convince myself of anything or make myself feel however I want. It's nice, in a way, but when I sought control of my life, I don't think I wanted this much. Any one thing in my life is only as important as I will allow it to be. What's the point in being truthful and giving and righteous and good when there's no absolute truth to fight for? It used to be the concept of love, and I still believe in love more than anything else on this earth, but I've shown that I can turn that off as well, so I'm left with happiness and even at times, contentment, but there's a hole there, and I don't know what to fill it with. There's nothing really left fighting for...

Don't get me wrong though, I'm still having a good day.

i don't know where i/i don't know what i'm/supposed to do now/keep it all inside
Things are not turning out the way I had anticipated so far this semester. This bothers me.

I've been debating lately whether it's truly worth it to strive to be the most altrustic and giving that you can be, because in the end, the guy next to you is likely not to do the same. And when you don't believe in a higher power, it makes it that much easier to just give in. Then your conscience and your ambition takes over and you tell yourself, "you're better than that." Works for a while, until something challenges your self-esteem and the doubt starts again. And you take a step back from the situation and try to understand how you got from point A to point B so quickly.

And you just want to shut it all off.

You know what's worse than having one class with Kevin?

...

Having two classes with Kevin. Fuck my luck.

He's sitting here in the Honors College lounge. He just left and started walking towards my class.

Damn.

So I say this is the most loving way possible, but it's so nice to just read/gossip about the drama other than actually experiencing it. If any of you guys need a break from the madness, you know where to reach me.

So I go to Greek Tragedy and I sit down and I hear "Hi Jason" and what do I see when I look up... everybody's favorite First Fox tenant from last semester: Kevin. ::cue inward DOH!:: Not to mention that the prof. is also a nerd, but in a harmless, not-going-to-try-and-rape-and-hug-you-ifheseesyouonthefloor kind of way. Anyway, I was sitting there thinking maybe I was being too hard on the guy, but then the prof. asks if anyone in the room had seen "Clash of the Titans," and I swear, if you had seen this boy's hand shoot up into the air in near-ecstacy, you would have just shook your head. I feel bad bashing him in a public forum, but if he's reading my journal, I've got even bigger problems then I had originally thought.

I think my priorities might be askew... I'm not sure, I should make a list.

Jason's Random Journal Thought: Why the HELL are people studying already... nobody likes an overachiever. :-P Andy, you're not included in that since I saw you studying yesterday. Special dispensation for you.

Drew (my other roommate) still hasn't spent a night in the place yet. I'm not complaining, I like having a bathroom all to myself, but it just kind of seems like a waste.

Well, I've wasted enough of your time.

So, I'm in Kalamazoo with no internet, no cable, a great apartment, and seven gaming systems. I thought I was going to die for a couple days there, but now not so much...

Random Journal News Break: There's a guy in the computing lab who's the spitting image of the tech guy from Vanilla Sky. I almost want to jump up and scream "TECH SUPPORT!" really loud but I'll resist.

Please come visit my apartment, it's awesome and I love it and once Comcast hurries up and gets out here, it will be complete.

Went to the first day of psychology practicum today, that went very well. For all of you who don't know, I'm going to working with autistic kids at the Croyden Avenue School off of Drake this semester. I'm excited, I think I'll get a lot of experience and all that good stuff.

I still agree with Ricci's feeling from a week or two ago: something big is going to happen soon. I'm not convinced it's going to be bad anymore, but just something big.

Well, my CD is over and I have to go to class. More updates when the internet gets going at my place.

I feel awful manic-depressive today.

I want to say more, but there's too much to do.

I've lost all fucking faith in humanity. I'm taking a select few of you with me to the moon and setting a match to the rest of it.

Fucking morons.

...and everything will be ok
The key to happiness is releasing emotional baggage. The most content people I know let go of their past regrets and mistakes and look forward instead of second guessing themselves and their choices. I think many of us refuse to let go because they fear without those experiences, they would be empty or incomplete and wouldn't know where to begin.

Just letting go these past couple of months, it's like I'm throwing off a weight on my shoulders that I had been carrying for so long. It's a great feeling.

I no longer fear being alone with my mind.

OK, top 50 bands this time. Now before you guys post, let me explain how I worked it. At first I started making two lists, one for all-time, and another for current favorites. Then as I went on, I noticed a lot of repeats on both lists, such as DMB and Eminem. So I decided to just throw the two together and see what happened. I ranked these according to influence, longevity/senority, talent, and finally, my own personal preference, in that order. This is why, for instance, the Rolling Stones are ranked higher than Incubus, even though, nine times out of ten when I walk to pick out a CD, it'll be the latter. (Holy run-on sentence Batman!) And as you all should know, I enjoy the Foo Fighters much more than Nirvana, but the whole music influence factor pushes them ahead on the list. Anyway, enjoy.

1) The Beatles
2) Pink Floyd
3) Bob Dylan
4) Elton John
5) U2
6) Bruce Springsteen
7) Nirvana
8) Eminem
9) The Doors
10) Dave Matthews Band
11) Talking Heads
12) Madonna
13) Aerosmith
14) Metallica
15) Smashing Pumpkins
16) Elvis Costello & The Attractions
17) Billy Joel
18) Nine Inch Nails
19) Foo Fighters
20) Red Hot Chili Peppers
21) Rolling Stones
22) Genesis
23) Dire Straits
24) Pearl Jam
25) Tom Petty & The Heartbreakers
26) The Who
27) R.E.M.
28) Marilyn Manson
29) Oasis
30) Rod Stewart
31) The White Stripes
32) Jimi Hendrix
33) Queen
34) Moby
35) Simon & Garfunkel
36) Huey Lewis & The News
37) Barenaked Ladies
38) Beck
39) Cake
40) Ben Folds
41) Fiona Apple
42) Eels
43) Incubus
44) Foreigner
45) Everclear
46) Aimee Mann
47) The Verve Pipe
48) Nick Cave & The Bad Seeds
49) David Gray
50) Sting/The Police

Props to Queens of the Stone Age and Coldplay (who kick ass, but need a couple more records under their belts) and Tool (whom I respect a great deal but I find relatively annoying in large doses).

Maybe you were right about than more than I let on when I let on that you were right about the other stuff. I'll work on that, while I'm working on other said stuff.

OK, my revised and extended CD list... I can feel the heat coming already. :-P

Top 50 CDs
1. Oasis - What’s The Story (Morning Glory)
2. Foo Fighters - The Colour & The Shape
3. Pink Floyd - The Wall
4. Moby - Play
5. Fiona Apple - When The Pawn…
6. Marilyn Manson - Antichrist Superstar
7. Coldplay - A Rush of Blood to the Head
8. Incubus - Make Yourself
9. Eminem - The Marshall Mathers LP
10. Smashing Pumpkins - Mellon Collie & The Infinite Sadness
11. Dave Matthews Band - Crash
12. David Gray - White Ladder
13. Cake - Fashion Nugget
14. Nine Inch Nails - The Fragile
15. Pearl Jam - Ten
16. Queens of the Stone Age – Songs for the Deaf
17. Filter - Title Of Record
18. R.E.M. - Automatic For The People
19. Talking Heads - Stop Making Sense
20. Alanis Morissette - Jagged Little Pill
21. Meat Loaf - Bat Out of Hell
22. Foo Fighters - One By One
23. Garbage - Version 2.0
24. Songs In The Key Of X
25. Beck - Sea Change
26. Eels - Beautiful Freak
27. The White Stripes - Elephant
28. Nirvana - Nevermind
29. Hootie & The Blowfish - Cracked Rear View
30. Everclear - So Much For The Afterglow
31. U2 - Achtung Baby
32. The Beatles - Sgt. Pepper’s Lonely Hearts Club Band
33. The Verve Pipe - Underneath
34. Pink Floyd - Dark Side of the Moon
35. Bush - Sixteenstone
36. Tenacious D
37. Seal
38. The Fugees - The Score
39. Enigma - The Cross Of Changes
40. The White Stripes - White Blood Cells
41. Eminem - The Eminem Show
42. Poe - Haunted
43. Metallica
44. The Verve Pipe - Villains
45. Wyclef Jean - The Carnival
46. Incubus - Morning View
47. Barenaked Ladies - Maroon
48. Eve 6 - Horrorscope
49. Red Hot Chili Peppers - Blood Sugar Sex Magik
50. A Perfect Circle Circle - Mer De Noms

Today is going to be a day of lists, I can feel it right now. Either that or I just make the one and never follow through on the others. Eh.

Top 10 Movies of the Year (so far):
1) The Hulk (smart, good, solid, and honest comic book spectacular, I can't remember thinking Nolte was talented before this)
2) A Mighty Wind (great music and
a consistent Christopher Guest mockumentary, nobody caught it, so see it on video)
3) X2 (the end tapered off a bit, but the first two thirds knocked my socks off and avoided the sophomore curse)
4) Finding Nemo (my least favorite Pixar film so far, but an average Pixar film is still a fun time)
5) The Italian Job (nothing new here, but it was fun, and a pretty cast and a good cover of Pink Floyd's "Money")
6) Identity (SPOILER ALERT: as much as I despise multiple personality thrillers, I had a good time with this one, it really suprised me, and I love John Cusack)
7) The Life of David Gale (one of those trite, preachy movies I should hate, but I'm whipped by Kevin Spacey, so it's all good)
8) Dreamcatcher (shit weasels aside, it must have been the group I was with (1st fox in the hizzzouse!) but I thought Kasdan did alright with this one and was unfairly panned)
9) Pirates of the Caribbean (lots of stupid dialogue, but Depp was hilarious, supported with a good cast, and the skeleton effects Verbinski used were awesome)
10) Terminator 3 (no characters, but a good ending, just going to show you that three-fourths of the best films of the year don't come out until the end of it)

bring it on/every little fear/and i'll make them disappear
This is the new entry. This is the new me.

I don't have much to say, but I do have this:



I love you Stefanie Anne Wilde.

It's like they say... there is one emotion stronger than love: denial.

I cannot believe the outreaching consequences that last night is having. I hate, I mean honestly hate, my stepbrother and all of his friends. They epotimize everything that I am against.

I mean, I meant to give up some control, but I never expected things to turn into a three-ring circus.

I mean honestly, what the fuck happened last night? I know the answers, but I still can't make any sense of it.

"It ain't in their hearts they're bad
They can comfort you, some even try
They nurse you when you're ill of health
They bury you when you go and die
It ain't that in their hearts they're bad
They'd stick by you if they could
But that's just bullshit
People just ain't no good"

So if any of you don't have any plans tomorrow evening... give me a call on my cell or IM me. Yeah, we'll have fun.

Hmm... some people are really messed up in the head. Like, more than me. Honestly, I kid you not.

I don't think I'm internalizing as much as I once did. I don't have any way of verifying that though, because of the whole "internal" part of it.

Where did everybody go? If I went through my cell and deleted all the nonessential numbers, I could probably cut it in half. I have the people I need close to me, but it still makes me somewhat sad.

In my efforts to make my life more stable, I've also made it much more boring. When did everything become so predictable and quiet?

I need a change of pace.

it's nothing that i haven't seen before, but it still kills me like it did before...
I feel like all I'm doing is running away from my problems. Just trying to suppress them, denying them, instead of dealing with them. I know I've accomplished more than I give myself credit for, but after it is all said and done, what do I have to show for it? This emptiness? This anxiety? This unsettling, discontent, unsatisfied, confused feeling?

I feel cheated. I don't know what else to do.

I make a choice to feel like this. This is not bred in me, this is how I choose to react to the situation.

If I don't have control over myself or my own fate, then I have nothing.

It's always been about control. Always.

So many contacts and relationships and acquaintances just bouncing around, it's like a bunch of little atoms just randomly shooting around and you never know who is going to run into who. Throw free choice into the mix and it makes things even more interesting. Pull yourself out of the mix and just view how everything is interrelated... hmm, I'm talking like I'm on a bad acid trip. Not like I would know what that would be like.

I wonder what everyone did tonight.

"Well I don’t know why I came here tonight.
I’ve got the feeling that something ain’t right.
I’m so scared in case I fall off my chair,
and I’m wondering how I’ll get down the stairs.

Clowns to the left of me!
Jokers to the right!
Here I am stuck in the middle with you.

Yes I’m stuck in the middle with you,
and I’m wondering what it is I should do.
It’s so hard to keep this smile from my face.
Losing control and running all over the place."

What rating is your journal?
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OK, here's a couple lists I found that I made during my summer class to alievate some of the boredom. Nothing special, but here you go anyway.

Top 15 Actors
1) Jack Nicholson
2) Al Pacino
3) Anthony Hopkins
4) Robert DeNiro
5) Kevin Spacey
6) Edward Norton
7) Tom Hanks
8) Samuel L. Jackson
9) Tom Cruise
10) Harrison Ford
11) Russel Crowe
12) Robin Williams
13) Jim Carrey
14) Nicolas Cage
15) John Goodman

Top 15 Restaurants
(Yes, I REALLY was that bored...)
1) The Dungeon
2) Applebee's
3) Ground Round
4) Denny's
5) Tony Roma's
6) Papa John's
7) Fazoli's
8) Subway
9) Perkins
10) Rainbow Grill
11) Pizza Ranch
12) Jimmy John's
13) Sam's Joint
14) Rose's
15) Steak & Shake

and if I could be what you want me to be, would you let me down? stop driving me into the ground...
Blah blah blah. A bunch of meaningless words and I'm sick of reading them.

I'm having a transition period, trying to figure out which parts of the trivial shit in my life manner and which I'm just through with.

I feel unfulfilled. But I'm full nonetheless. Of what, I'm not quite sure yet.

On the upside, I'm in control of my life for the first time in... umm... yeah.

"I defend it and pretend it doesn't matter
If you need me then believe me I'll be right here
Miles away"