fallenfaces
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2004 2 March :: 7.07pm
Don't be afraid to be wrong.
I realized I am a complete idiot. Not about life, I mean education in general. I stopped myself from learning a few years ago. I didn't need to. Now I don't know anything about any US history, science..anything. I always feel like an idiot. I wish I could just have one day and learn everything I need to know. I want to be educated. I'm only 15 and I already regret not getting an education. That's so sad.
1 bullet |
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fallenfaces
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2004 29 February :: 5.54pm
Forgot to add...
The church service today was about hell. it was explained as: Pitch black, all you can hear is crying, weaping, and the mashing of teeth. You have the sensation that you are always falling, you feel fire burning you, and a worm never stops eating at you. It goes on for eternity.
Can you imagine that? Being alone. Not ever seeing anyone/anything again. Just falling, burning, being slowly eaten, and hearing only crying.
6 bullets |
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fallenfaces
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2004 29 February :: 4.58pm
I am yours. You have lost me.
I went to church today. It just felt like the right thing to do. I almost broke down for no reason. I almost cried in the middle of the service. I wasn't sad or anything. Then when people were getting saved, I almost broke down again. It was odd. And I was smiling. It felt like the first real smile I have had for a long time. I want God in my life. I need Him. I'm still gonna be me. Just make a few changes I guess. I want to be saved. It seems I need it.
1 bullet |
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fallenfaces
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2004 28 February :: 2.44pm
Life is broken in that way.
I am allowed to mess up. I just hope I don't hurt anyone in the process.
Load my gun
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fallenfaces
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2004 27 February :: 4.43pm
What I mean by this is him. yeah..you'll figure it out.
No one sees how important this is to me. And if they do, they obviously don't give a shit.
1 bullet |
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brad
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2004 27 February :: 8.01am
:: Mood: pissy
:: Music: nothing...im in class
i dont like you
Well last night was the big concert ive been waiting forever for. it was a really good show. the second band..i think it was "look ma" wasnt that great...too much screaming. but it was cool/scary when he jumped off the big ladder and almost killed himself. thats always cool to see. forever december was more than i expected, the performance was great and the "cute without the e" was byfar an awesome ass show. they did a really good job. last tuesday and clearly blind were really good as well, tonight they're gonna play at skeletones but i have to go to the dance so i wont be going to that. im having a horrible morning so far, everyone is getting on my nerves and i woke up in a pissy mood and just everything from the point of waking up has completely blown. but oh well hopefully i get better. im looking to join a band....i really want to be in one since my last one abandoned me...but hey, im probley just not meant to be in a band..whatever..stupid school....if they think im going to pay a dollar to wear a fricken hat..they're sadly mistaken, im not a charity giver so i dont care if its for a good cause..no one ever gives to me so i dont give back. plus wearing a hat isnt that important to me. im just full of complaints today..sorry. this dance tonight better be good. this weekend im supposed to be getting whatever peircing i want...its most likely going to be my nipples. anyway i think im done for now, goodbye.
Bradley
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fallenfaces
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2004 25 February :: 5.07pm
I swear that I'm dying..slowly but it's happening..as I slowly..quitely..slowly..fall apart.
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fallenfaces
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2004 25 February :: 4.49pm
I could have a gun pointed to my head and completely convince someone that I wasn't going to pull the trigger, even though I had already pulled it.
I am talented at pretending everything is ok. I really am.
Death seemed like a good idea earlier today..just dissapearing..it's so final. You can't want life after your dead. So what's the point of living? No I'm not suicidal so fuck you. I just have thought about death a lot lately.
Another day passes with me pretending. Once again.
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fallenfaces
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2004 21 February :: 1.51pm
A desperately needed update..
This is how I want to feel. A little something I wrote..
I didn't know I could love someone this much. You think knowing one day it all will fade and disappear would bring me down but right now nothing can.
If my entry ever says this..you know I am as happy as a kid could be.
His eyes are so pretty. That's all I need to say.
1 bullet |
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brad
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2004 20 February :: 7.47am
:: Mood: tired
:: Music: blink - i miss you
its 1st hour and my feet are cold.
its been a while but we have a sub in econ so i figured i should update for the hell of it. the other day i got my 30 day permit. after the 30 days then ill finally get my license. so yeah im excited about that. kelly finally moved back to cedar, its really cool cuz we can spend more time together. i stayed the night at her new house like 4 or 5 times already. anyway i plan to go to that little play everyone keeps bugging me to go to. im only going for my friends. hope everyone somewhat enjoyed my little birthday party. im getting an x-box for my birthday sometime soon, my moms poor so we have to wait a little bit. im supposed to be doing my stocks right now but im too lazy. well im running out of things to talk about so im leaving you all, i love everyone, bye now.
Bradley
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fallenfaces
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2004 16 February :: 6.22pm
Inside my head..
Either it's too soon.
Or it could be too late.
Too soon is better than too late right?
choose one dammit.
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fallenfaces
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2004 15 February :: 11.11am
:: Music: Queen- sweet lady
A little thing I'd like to call lust..
Well this is odd.
I almost have what I wanted. And it seems I don't want it anymore. My mind fools me. In so many ways. I just keep thinking I'm just a kid..and I need to expierence more and this will just be another page in this boring book I would like to call life.
Last night was weird. I started shaking and I coudln't stop. I could stop it for like a few seconds because usually I can control if I get sick or not with my thoughts. So I'd calm myself for a minute than it started again. I couldn't breathe right. And I got really cold. It was kind of scary so I just got up and started walking to bed but I was extremely light headed so I sat on the couch and started shaking more. Then got up and layed in bed. I know it was from my nerves. It happened as soon as i knew he was there. It was insane. I had to leave..and try to calm down.
Enough of that.
I think I'm gonna go for it. What do I have to lose? Maybe the little bit of happiness that I already lack..yeah..maybe if it works out right I could even gain some happiness? Who knows.
2 bullets |
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fallenfaces
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2004 12 February :: 7.04pm
I know what I want. do you know what you want?
My thoughts are more sappy than a chick flick. Romance is a trap. I don't want it to catch me again.
Too late.
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fallenfaces
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2004 11 February :: 7.04pm
My heart is retarded.
I canlt help it anymore. When I see him I feel my stomach drop. I can't even look at him..I'm too afraid. I'm such a little girl. I have some maturing to do.
I think know I'm scared. I haven't been in the 'dating' mode for some time. Far too long. I miss it. Then again. I don't. It never brought much good, I was in love once. I truly was. It's gone now. It still bothers me, and re-visits me. I'm over it..kind of.
I want him. I'd rather expierence him and hate it than not know at all. It has to be better than always wondering. Right?
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fallenfaces
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2004 11 February :: 6.31am
I think we both know exactly what's going on but we are too afraid to act on it. I'm more afraid than he is. It's time for me to stop being a little girl about it.
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fallenfaces
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2004 10 February :: 6.26am
I promise you I will let you down. Empty you as empty as a boy can be.
I know I'll be shy, there will be many akward silences, a few times when I kiss you my lips won't move. Some times where I will want to just sit in silence or I will want to act crazy. Whatever it is. Will you still see me the same as when you first saw me?
I promise you, my personality is one of a kind. You'll have some molding to do.
Load my gun
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fallenfaces
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2004 9 February :: 8.34pm
My heart was crushed as soon and it was beating in a romantic rythm. The hope was there, I could see it. Feel it. Admire it. It is now no more than a shadow left by a ghost.
Ii feel its warmth..and the nervousness was no more than a gift. It was nice while it lasted. Broken like an old worn out childhood toy. The thrill was there, as was the smile. now dissolved.
I smile..that's all I can do. As my voice rises to gain attention, a sparkling glance would mean more than anything. Thinking about it turns my stoamch into what seems as athousand strings being pulled.
I want it..I can see it..yet I don't want to feel it.
Lust is so pretty. I want love. It's beautiful.
Load my gun
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brad
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2004 6 February :: 7.54am
:: Mood: agrivated
grr
wow...i get to update from school. its been a while since ive used woohu..sorry to whoever cares. anyway..i think i just need a new computer...chris gave me a peice of crap for a computer so im screwed now. someday ill get a new one....tomorrow is swirl, im sure that'll be fun. im hoping to have a party but jason unexpectedly showed up last night now i dont know if ill get to have one. it pisses me off. but im just updating for the hell of it. ill talk to you all later, see ya.
Bradley
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fallenfaces
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2004 1 February :: 12.18pm
I didn't realize that hurting someone else, even though they are stupid, would eventually hurt me.
Some people make me smile. Others, they don't.
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fallenfaces
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2004 27 January :: 7.36am
:: Music: Coldplay-Yellow
Skipped school. So I have a lot of time on my hands..and your time to waste.
Reading other peoples entries makes me sad. But it's written so beautifuly. It's sweet sorrow. It's funny to think everyone in the world goes through the same things and everytime you're complaining someone else has it 100 times worse. I'm so sick of people complaining about God not being there for them. I'm still confused about my religion. But if I were to believe in God I think you all need to shut up. Everytime you ask Him for help and He doesn't give it to you, you piss and moan. There's other people in the world. I think it is extremely selfish to expect His full attention to just you.
Anyway.
This year I have been called attractive in some form more than in my entire life. It's weird. It's like as soon as I decided to be myself..and let my personality show a little more, people saw my inner beauty and it reflected on the outside. I will never look at myself and think I'm pretty. Ever. There's so many things I' like to change. I'm too skinny. My hair is horrible. My skin is terrible. I'm much too short. But can't, and I have learned to accept it. Rather than fake it. Like many other people I know. It's nice to see my friends accept me for who I am.
Life is funny, ya know that? Things usually don't work out for you at first then later on after you're pissed..it turns out it's better you didn't get what you wanted.
I think when i fall in love, I'm gonna know it. And we are both gonna feel the same, so there wont be this wanting thing, we will just both have.
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