Please come back when you think this in your head....All answers will be shown below.
The main reason why some might ask..is because some were left out...talked about...and criticised. If your asking what the hell this is about...when the question pops into your mind, go back to the journal entry that was made at 1:57 AM in June 22, 2003. That will answer your question.

Thank you for your time...errr.

Comments only come with/from controversy. Well. You know how I just love to read comments...MORE CONTROVERSY!!


I wish you would step back from that ledge my friend,
You could cut ties with all the lies, that you've been living in,
And if you do not want to see me again, I would understand.
I would understand,
The angry boy, a bit too insane,
Icing over a secret pain,
You know you don't belong,
You're the first to fight, You're way too loud,
You're The flash of light, On a burial shroud,
I know something's wrong,
Well everyone I know has got a reason, To say, put the past away,

I wish you would step back from that ledge my friend,
You could cut ties with all the lies, That you've been living in,
And if you do not want to see me again, I would understand,
I would understand.

Well he's on the table, And he's gone to code,
And I do not think anyone knows,
What they are doing here,
And your friends have left, You've been dismissed,
I never thought it would come to this, And I, I want you to know,
Everyone's got to face down the demons,
Maybe today, We can put the past away,

I wish you would step back from that ledge my friend,
You could cut ties with all the lies, that you've been living in,
And if you do not want to see me again, I would understand,
I would understand,
I would understand...

Can you put the past away, I wish you would step back from that ledge my friend,

I would understand...

thank goodness
I'm so damn glad that Carinna and I HAVE a plan. Get us away from so called hell.

Its about time.

I dont believe in Religion.. I really dont.
It feels different not to be commited to a "certain" religion. Its kindof like a game. But you can make up your own rules. Its a life lesson also...Instead of going by what others feel is right..you learn whats right or wrong by everyday life and you take that into consideration and create your own beliefs. Its good. Its good for me.
Well...do i believe in god? I dont know. Theres too much bad shit in this world to say. So...Amy is religionless and faithless. Its a dog eat dog world....Whatever helps you become or feel better is good enough for me. I know most of you highly dissagree with me but thats fine. I dont care.

Ever sat and stared out the window, looking at the sky and trees, wondering what life would be like if you could just be free. Free to do anything..free to be who ever you want?..yeah..

I guess I'm hoping for this new person just to come to me. Someone that could be made into a part of me to change me. Its not all that easy though. I have to make the effort to. Part of me holds back and I dont know why. I hate the criticism that I get..along with that comes judgement and assumptions. I dont like any of those.

Sometimes I wonder what it would be like if i was born into a different life...different family. Would I have a chance of being happier...would I be a totally different person? But then I'm reminded that maybe I do like the way I live. It just could be the people around me. Why do I have to live in rockford..If I could just take all the people that I like and move them to a different place..I would. But that would create the perfect world and perfect atmosphere. Of course, that cant happen to me for a change. I guess it could be worse.

Oh well.

Today


God my mom is so conceded.

"The greatest lesson in life is to learn to love and be loved in return." - Mulin Rouge

I love that movie. Brings a tear to my eye everytime i watch it.

Damn personal demons. When will they ever go away. I have the answer to that. Never.

We got a new computer desk. Its nicer than our old crappy one. Its bigger to and fits in the corner. My cat looks at it like its a foriegn object. It now smells of wood in the basement. Better than kitty litter. lol

feh. That certain something is still bothering me and its killing me that I cant figure it out. Its almost like somethings missing. God. I cant help but to think if I did figure it out that things wouldnt change. I'd still be jagged. god damnit.

I'm out.

Ah....
HOLY FOOK IN A HALF... I HAD THE BEST IDEA TO REMODEL MY JOURNAL...

Go Amy lol


Ahhh... another day of summer. The pool is packed, cars everywhere, and my dad and I are going to put fake police parking tickets on peoples cars that park in front of our house or mailbox. lol. What a great day.

Nothing like fake tickets. Greatness.

Did i mention that i was tired? Yes i did...look at the mood thing...TIRED...TIRED. Atleast i dont have to go anywhere or i refuse to go anywhere. Holy shit i havent steped out of the house in like a week i think lol. It feels good.

When am i going to tan you say?..I dont know. I know that I dont want to become albino so I better take the easy way out and go to Mirage lol. Steping outside might be too big of a risk. I might see a bee or some nasty bug out there. Its a crazy world outside...lol

MONDAY...12 AM. NEW TOM GREEN SHOW. WATCH IT. <-- Reminder to self and others.

Dvds are the best invention EVER, after other things like toilet paper and sleeping pills. We need to make our DVD collection grow a.s.a.p. OMG who says a.s.a.p anymore?!
lol

I'm out...I think i might go back to bed. lol

I have the hiccups

::Have you ever noticed that hiccups kindof hurt?::

Eh. My summer has been interesting i guess. The relatives are coming over next week. I'm not looking forward to that because that means I have to get dressed.

I dont like the sarcastic-hateful person I've become but I guess I'll have to deal with it. I cant live without sarcasm. Its a part of me. Its the part I like..one of the few, eh... I'm too critical of myself. Remind me to fix that too. Amy in the making. I dont want to have to change myself for people but look at what happened in 8th grade. I must make some changes, thats the bottom line. Mentally and physically. Go..now..i can start now.

Feh, Feh Feh Feh Feh. Somethings bothering me but I can never identify it. Talking doesnt help it just leads myself into a whole bunch of other personal shit that I knew would be lurking and never go away and it would pop up to the surface and I'd start talking about that even though that isnt even close to what could be bugging me or is it? Very confusing. Verrrrry. Therfore we musnt go there. Ah.Its a deal. I dont talk..you dont talk.

Ut oh that sounds familiar...::thinks back::

"It isnt healthy not to talk about whats bugging you.."

oh gawd. ::rolls eyes:: I get help from friends mom, leave me alone. ::thinks to herself:: I hope that hurt

Oh no i'm talking. No more talking.. To much anger comes with talking.

I'm out.

Quiz

Disorder	Rating
Paranoid:	High
Schizoid:	Low
Schizotypal:	Low
Antisocial:	Moderate
Borderline:	Very High
Histrionic:	Moderate
Narcissistic:	High
Avoidant:	Very High
Dependent:	Very High
Obsessive-Compulsive:	High
-- Personality Disorder Test - Take It! --

Ahh.
I'm so happy
cuz today i found my friends
they're in my head
i'm so ugly
but thats ok cuz so are you
broke our mirrors

ahhh thats a great song........greatt song...i have my personal reasons...::drools:: lol muahahhaha...





Yeah, things have been ok. No confrontations with the parents in like 2 days. Damn parents. I'm enjoying my summer kindof I guess. I just enjoy the whole staying up until 2 am and waking up like at 11:30. Its great.

I'm giving up candy, chocolate, cake, and any of that kind of stuff. Be proud of me. I'm going on a sort of fast. FASTING IS GREAT KIDS! lol

Eh, I would rather sleep and just bum in my pjs than really go anywhere unless its somewhere fun. Like ajs or miniature golfing. That sounds fun. I'm going to have to run that idea by a couple people lol.

I havent heard from carinna in a while. I miss that girl.

I'm out

Hell has Begun
I had fun at the summer celebration with Dannie and them and we got a chance to talk to Jesse more. We were going to go over to Dannie’s and chill for a while and watch movies with Jesse but my parents wouldn’t let me of course so I had to go home. I got home and my parents were all bitchy for who in the hell knows why. So when I got my pjs on I went on the internet and was talking to people about how frustrating it is to have to come home and always have your parents bitch at you for no reason when you had their permission to go in the first place. Then my dad heard my sister talking to me asking me why I was mad and so my dad goes and tells my mom and my moms all like “Amy we want to talk to you.” Hah, that would be a first. “What’s the matter with you?” Then I went through a whole speech about how I shouldn’t have to talk to them if I don’t want to and that it didn’t concern them and that it was about me and that it wasn’t important to them and it was my life and I’d be able to handle whatever I’m going through or feeling. So my mom goes into this whole thing where she says she doesn’t like my attitude and that I’m being disrespectful. She was being disrespectful to me to begin with. She tried backing me into corners to try to get me to talk then she threatens to take away stuff so I’m forced to tell her so half of the time I end up lying to her so she gets off my damn back. I’m sick of it. That’s not showing “parental concern” by shoving their kids in a corner and forcing them to talk. That’s torture. I said if I needed to talk that I’d come to her and say something. I have never talked to my mom in my whole entire life…I’m not going to start now. For me it makes things worse to talk about it. I’d rather write about it or go online and ask a friend. I can’t trust my parents at all. Especially my mom she would go and tell my dad or anyone in the family who she thinks would give a shit. So my moms back to her old bitchy self. I said before that I could never hate her again because I’m afraid of loosing her, but it something where to happen to her then she would be gone while I was still pissed at her and I’d resent her for that and it would be her fault. She thinks she’s helping but she isn’t and I think she knows that. It’s a bunch of bullshit. I shouldn’t have to go though it it’s a bunch of shit. So then at that point I just walk away because I have nothing to say and I really don’t feel like standing at her bedroom door all night. So I’m writing in my room in my sketchpad and I hear her whispering and talking to my sister and dad. She is so damn stupid. My room is right down the hall does she not think I cant hear her? Those just made me feel worse. How could I even begin to trust her if she’s sitting there whispering behind my back. What is this, middle school? LIKE I NEED TO GO THROUGH THAT EVER AGAIN. So what was she whispering about? My parents left finally today to go out to eat at Damon’s and to go to Sam’s Club…so what do I do? I ask my sister. My sister said my mom asked her to TAP INTO MY EMAIL. WHAT THE HELL? Number one, I don’t even use my email for important stuff to begin with but the thought…WHY WOULD SHE EVEN ASK MY SISTER TO DO THAT?!?! My sister said that she replied “ok..I don’t know her password and plus that would be wrong” So I thank her for that at least. She doesn’t know my password and that’s why I never tell her my passwords because I know there would be snooping or that my parents would eventually ask for it or something. What nice parents I have. My moms a bitch and my dads never there so what am I left with. My sister who occasionally sticks up for be but doesn’t even know how to relate to me instead she criticizes me and calls me names like freak and that I have issues. I don’t care anymore.. I’ll find something to get out of this. Jesus Christ himself, what more am I going to have to go through. I’ll tell you one thing. I’m passwording my journal SOON very god damn soon. I’m going to jump at the next chance I get to say to my mom, “ You want me to think I can trust you yet you ask my own sister to tap into my email?” I’ll shove those words down her throat for sure. This so beats any family controversy we’ve ever had. If I grow up to be a serial killer you definitely know whom to blame. GOD! Its so frustrating. I’ll beat this though that’s all I know.

Last night… when I was writing …I noticed that the tears stopped. That’s a good thing.

Summer has officially begun…the air conditioning is on.

Survey thingy stolen from Joe

[ series 1 - your ]
-- Name : Amy
-- Birthday : Octobere 13
-- Birthplace : Grand Rapids
-- Current Location : computer
-- Eye Color : bluish green
-- Hair Color : brownish blonde
-- Righty or Lefty : lefty OH YEAH lol and i'm serious too
-- Zodiac Sign : libra
-- Font : IF- its really like dirty and it looks cool

[ series 2 - your favorite ]
-- Music : Mostly rock
-- Cartoon : South Park and Famliy Guy
-- Color : blacks with pink and purples
-- Slushy Flavor : Coke and mountain dew
-- Magazine : YM
-- TV Show : ne thing on MTV and like the shows like American Juinor and stuff lol they are fun to watch
-- Song at the Moment:Broken- 12 stones
-- Language : english
-- Spice Girl : No
-- Food & Beverage : spicy chicken olga with a Orange cream cooler! OMG you havent lived until youve gone to Olgas in the mall seriously I live for them.
-- Subject in School : Language Arts I love mrs.klaes and i have a A+ in that class lol
-- Weekend Activity : Sleeping
-- Ice Cream Flavor : Cookie Dough
-- Roller Coaster : the raptor and mantis was fun.

[ series 3 - what is ]
-- Your most overused phrase on aol : LOL and LMAO and I kill you.. and I kick your ass lol
-- The last image/thought you go to sleep with : TV or thoughts of the day or future.
-- The first feature you notice in the opposite sex : Personality and ass
-- The Best Name for a Butler : Squanto lol "Hey squanto go get me some food damnit"
-- The wussiest sport : Cheerleading..as if it is a sport.
-- Your best feature : no clue u tell me lol
-- Your bedtime : When ever
-- Your greatest fear: Heights and darkness
-- Your greatest accomplishment : uhh no
-- Your most missed memory : Eh.

[ series 4 - you prefer ]
-- Pepsi or coke : coke, Diet Coke
-- McDonald's or Burger King : Both..mmm.
-- Single or group dates : Both
-- Adidas or Nike : nike
-- Chicken nuggets or chicken fingers : fingers
-- Dogs or cats : cats
-- Rugrats or Doug : doug
-- Single or taken : single
-- Monica or Brandy : eh..brandy all had a baby and shit and Monica has a new song out with Missy Eliot... I really dont care for either.
-- Tupac or Jay-Z : Jay- Z although the whole thing with Beyonce annoys the hell out of me.
-- Shania Twain or LeAnn Rhymes : Dont care for country
-- Lipton Ice Tea or Nestea : I dont like ice tea
-- One pillow or two : two
-- Chocolate or vanilla : chocolate
-- Hot chocolate or hot cocoa :hot chocolate
-- Cappucino or coffee : CARMEL FRAPPACHINO!!!
-- Boxers or briefs : boxers in the summer for pjs

[ series 5 - do you ]
-- Take a shower everyday? : yeah
-- Have a(any) crush(es)? : Yep
-- do you think you've been in love? : naw..in like
-- Want to go to college? : yeah
-- Like high school? : I donno yet
-- Want to get married : yes
-- Type with your fingers on the right keys? : yeah
-- Believe in yourself? : eh..
-- Have any tattoos/where? :
-- Have any piercings/where? : future- bellybutton, more in ears, and possible nose.
-- Get motion sickness? : No
-- Think you're a health freak? : no
-- Get along with your parents? : mostly just my dad
-- Like thunderstorms? : yes! except for when they get scary lol

[ series 6 - the future ]
-- Age you hope to be married : before 30 at least
-- Number and Names of Children : I plan to adopt but persue the method of baby making lol
-- Where do you see yourself at age 20? : Hopefully with a career and something that pays good.
-- Descibe your Dream Wedding : Beach wedding..not to complicated.
-- How do you want to die? : I dont want to
-- What do you want to be when you grow up? : something along art or writing
-- What country would you most like to visit? : something not to gross..eh..France.

[ series 7 - opposite sex ]
-- Best eye color? : blue or green
-- Best hair color? : i go for dark hair
-- Short or long hair? : guys are hot with semi long hair
-- Best height? : Tall and built
-- Best weight? : dont really care
-- Best articles of clothing? : PANTS lmao (carinna)
-- Best first date location? : Movies or beach
-- Best first kiss location? : beach
-- What facial feature do you find the most attractive? LIPS

[ series 8 - other ]
-- When's the last time you slept with a stuffed animal? : uh prolly like 3 years ago.
-- How many rings until you answer the phone? : I have to check caller id
-- What's on your mouse pad? :nothing its green
-- How many houses have you lived in? : 2
-- How many schools have you gone to? : 4
-- What color is your bedroom carpet? : blue
-- Would you shave your head for $5,000 dollars? : thats a hard bargan.
-- What was the best time of your life so far? : donno
-- Would you vote for a woman candidate for president? sure..
-- Would you marry for money? : No
-- Have you had braces? : ya
-- Do you pluck your eyebrows? : no
-- Do you ever cut or hurt yourself? : thought bout it but no
-- When was the last time you had a hickey? : uhh
-- Would you live without a computer? : I couldnt
-- Do you drink enough water? : yeah thats basically all i drink
-- Do you wear shoes in the house or take them off?: take off
-- What is your favorite fruit? : strawberries
--Do you eat wheat bread or white bread? : white
-- What is the last movie you saw? Legally Blonde
-- Do you kiss on the first date? : sure
-- Are you photogenic? : no JESUS take a look at my school pics holy shit lol
-- Do you dream in colour or black and white? : Color
-- Are you wearing fingernail polish? : ya chipped pink
-- Do you have any dimples? : i dont think so
-- Do you like sunrises or sunsets the most? : sunsets
-- Do you want to live to be 100?: no id be wrinkly
-- Do you think women should be expected to shave their body hair? : yes lmao
-- Do you like salty food or sugary food the most? : both
-- Is a flat stomach important to you? :sure
-- Do you or have you played with a ouija board? : Yes..lol its scary common people
-- Are you tolerant of other peoples beliefs? :Yes. saying that you tolerate it makes it sound like you force yourself to...Saying you accept them sounds better because you should
-- When you watch movies at home, do you like the lights on or off? : off
-- Do you believe in magic? : kinda
-- Do you have nightmares frequently? : no
-- Do you like your nose?: sure
-- Do you think you can draw well? : Yeah look at the klaes poetry book ...the 3 drawings towards the back and you can see my signature in them if you look.
-- Do you listen to music daily? : ya
-- Do you like to watch cartoons? : yes
-- How many pairs of shoes do have in your closet? : too many to count
-- Do you like your friends? : Most of them lol

Ahh....sigh....ahhh....sigh...yeahhhh
Summer has been boring so far kindof. I've cleaned everyday. My mom got home from Meijer and her doctors appointment w/ my sister and she says to me "what have you done today" me"nothing" mom"well you could have atleast done something...now go clean the bathroom again and start getting the kitchen clean. You arent going online until you get laundry done".

Its never ending. Summer vacations are ment for cleaning. My parents are thinging about going on a vacation without my sister and I to Niagara Falls. THANK GOD. I dont know how long they will be gone..but we will have the house to ourselves and we can do whatever we want. I would actually feel freedom for once but it would eventually slip through my fingers and get sucked out the door when they come back.

Ah...How I long to finally figure out the missing part of me. I always feel as if where ever I go..no matter what I'm doing whether its something I love or something I hate...I always stop and i feel a sudden sense of emptiness like theres something missing...somethin thats eating away at me but I just ..cant figure it out. Its self exceptance..but theres more to it. More than anyone including myself would ever know. I'll continue to be not completely figured out even to myself. Life is complicated thats for sure.

I want something to happen that will make me smile and possibly forget about my troubles for a long amount of time. I'm still waiting for that "thing" to come. My horoscope says Fathers Day will be one of my lucky days. I hope so. I donno If i'm going to go to start of summer yet. I want to..but again..that part of me pulls back..the anti social amy.

I want my reportcard damnit. I want to see how i did on my exams. It better come tomorrow or i'll kill the mail lady.

Its always the sneaky mail lady damnit.

i'm out.

Partay.
The party at krystals was pretty cool. Not as many people showed up as she probably would have liked but overall it was pretty fun with the people we had there.

Other than the dry humping it was ok. lol

The cookies were good.

John Wheeler showed up out of no where lol Poor kid didnt know his band didnt come. boohoo.

This summer i gotta do something with dannie and them. My soon to be new possie. lol possie thats a great word.

Carinna called me the other day but called back and she wasnt home. I wonder what she wanted. I bet she just wanted to hear my beautiful manly voice lol

I've given up on trying to talk to joe..thought he'd be a good friend but guess not. He has his band and his world and I have mine. I can live without another person lol

Kyle..damn him. Never gave me his tape. He made a bunch of mock movies like 8 mile and stuff and he wanted me to see them. I wanna see them so bad I'm going to make a copy of the tape when I get it. Ahh...next year will be fun. I'll have my guys to back me up.

I sneezed and snot went all over. I thought i should let you know. It was gross. .. I cleaned it up dont worry..but i cleaned it up with my tongue....lol jk.

I'm out.

none
Note to self: sister is useless... she wonders why half of the time i trash talk her because she doesnt even act like shes my sister when it comes to her friends and other shit.
She never takes me anywhere unless shes forced to. what a lovely sister i'm honored to have.