Sigh.
I guess...I'll go.

::inhales and exhales::

Sigh.
I guess...I'll go.

::inhales and exhales::

I cant breathe
I'm shaking.......

I cant breathe...I cant.....

My dad got home today and told my mom something about pay cuts in his job. I didnt get to hear the whole convo.

I heard my mom say that my dad might loose his job.

Mom:"John we cant afford to lose money. Were tight as it is. If you lose your job or get a pay cut i'm making you get a second job. You have to. We cant live off the money that we would be getting."

Mom:"If you dont figure things out maybe i'm just going to have to sell the house and get an apartment and you go your way and I go mine. You can move back with your parents and I'll have to get an apartment around here."


Divorce....

Losing house?

..

I cant think...I just cant.

I'm not going to cedar point tomorrow...
I just cant.

They are trying to force me to go.

Mom:"Just go. its already payed for. Whats going on right now doesnt concern you"

It does concern me..it concerns everythin. No spring break. No vacations.. No money..no nothing...no food...possibly no house??! How can that not fucking concern me?!?! You tell me how.

I cant go and I WONT go. If i went i'd probably end up crying. I dont want to cry.

My life is 10 times more of a hell than it was before.

I'm going to lay this on the table while i'm at it. I'm going to be ending alot of my friendships with alot of people except for Krystal Carinna lindsey and theresa. and who knows who else.. I dont konw how much more i can take. I'll talk about this more when I feel like it.

Hmm...

I've seen him twice and its had an effect on me. I dont know why. Maybe because he was something new to see. Maybe its because he didnt seem to care about the things that most guys care about. He wasnt arrogant or egotistical. He seemed so nice and perfect.

hhehe egotistical reminds me of testicals.

I'm out.

Hmm...

I've seen him twice and its had an effect on me. I dont know why. Maybe because he was something new to see. Maybe its because he didnt seem to care about the things that most guys care about. He wasnt arrogant or egotistical. He seemed so nice and perfect.

hhehe egotistical reminds me of testicals.

I'm out.

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At School
Today has been ok. I'm supose to be typing up my project thats due tomorrow but I'll just do it tonight.

If you sit and listen to other peoples conversations its weird. I mean I'm not listening like hanging on every single word they say. I'm just sitting and hearing voices all around me and if you stop to feel, it feels weird.

I'm not exactly too happy about the whole group situation. Its not even about the group anymore. Its about certain people. Certain people who are letting other things consume them. I dont like it and I'm not going to deal with it. Next year I'll start fresh. But I wont forget about anyone or anything. I'll always remember the ones who I loved.

I dont care if they think i "used" them. How could some even think that. You cant use frieds for like a year. It doesnt work that way. Screw them. Let them think what they want. I know what the truth is and thats all that matters.

Screw them all. Screw who as ever doubted that my friendship or my actions were true.

Thats what makes me unhappy.

I'm content right now. Nothings bugging me I'm just tired. Just tired of people...noises...talking...thinking.

I just wish I could sleep for like 10 days straight and just be renewed and have no memory of anything at all besides the basics.


Note to self: Dont wish for things that are truely impossibly.


I cant wait until schools out.


I feel annoyed when other people besides my frieds read my expressive portfolio. They are too quick to judge.

"Wow thats personal."

i still dont understand what that means. I know she meant well.

Tomorrows another day just like always. I'll never feel releived until school is over with and I can sleep and do whatever I want.

Even though I know that wont happen either.

Ok heres the bomb:

Ok i'm so starting to get pissed at all the people at school who sit there and make a new steriotype for themselves: "Depressed" Half of them are following the whole AC/DC trend mostly 7th graders and acting like they are going goth and they have to have this certain image just to make people feel different about them.

I see right though you people I tell ya, I'm probably not the only one either.

Wait until you have some real problems to bitch about instead of going into deep misseries because your boyfriend who is what ...11 yrs..12 yrs old dumped you...oh boo hoo!

gawwwwd! Throw me a fuckin bone.

I tell ya i could beat up any one of you lol seriously.

Today
Today ended up being gay as usual. I hate school. Cant wait until it is over finally. I don’t even know if I want to do anything this summer really. Other than the possibility that I might go to Arie’s cabin again…that would rock. We had such a great time last year. It was great. I think we made the record of inside jokes. I love Arie. Chan. We are both related to Jackie Chan. We can do marshal arts like him too. Cant we arie…muaha?!? LOL.

Well back to my shitty day. The cheesecake was good. That’s it. My cheesecake was the best part of my day. That and David tripped on that stage thing at lunch and I almost peed myself. Ok how gay did that sound.. I’m going to stick with “I almost peed my pants” That sounds better. Oh and the whole impressions that Lindsey and Theresa were doing. Those were funny. Almost peed there too.

Maybe I just need to go the bathroom more. LOL

Shes changed too much. I don’t like the new her. Not going to put up with it. I’ll deal with it later. Like maybe 4 years? Lol

I love Vanilla Tootsie Rolls


Peace.

Oh. I think I have figured out whats missing….not sure yet. But all I know is that people are pissing me off.

Thank you Zach Lee for getting “Eye of the Tiger” stuck in my head. I’ve been singing it all day LMAO!!

Also funny moment of the day goes to: David for tripping
Complement of the day: Kennen Less- “Your poems kick ass. I want to steal them. This doesn’t mean that I still don’t hate him lol.


LOL I’m downloading Eye of the tiger now. This is funny

At school
Today was ok so far.


Eh.

I donno..theres something missing


I dont know what.


I'll write when i figure it out.

forgot something
i want to go home. Miss rusty. But must go shopping first. Chicago...poopy....tired...muggy....feel like crap....


have stories to tell when get home..


too tired to type...its like going on midnight here....1:00 am rockford time... no wonder why no ones on lol damnit

In Chicago
I just got back from the wedding banquet thingy majigga or whatever you want to call it. This keyboard in the lobby types really fast. The keys are nice and smooththeee lol. Is there an E at the end of smooth...I didnt think so. Oh well.

The wedding was more fun than I expected. I only have a half hour on the internet right now. We're staying at a ramada inn..its ok..it has a waterfountan in the lobby and there are gimungus fishys in there.

we are under a tornado warning. Cant stop amy from going online though can it.

moms still being a bitch. she was the whole drive up here. oh well. tomorrow







tomorrow we hope to go shopping.


Storms wont keep me from shopping.

muahhahaahhahaa.

g2g grrr...


there was an incident....

all i can say is that there was some " i see you looking at me looking at you looking at me" things going on lol

none


I've been officially broken for the 300th time.

I can bairly breathe why does it hurt so bad.

I hate crying.

I have to do something...drastic or not..just to finally get my point acrossed and be heard and understood how my pain feels.

I think reality finally sets in when you sit down and realize that you know what’s actually going on.


I’m older. I’m Smarter. You can’t play the mind games that you did with me when I was little. You can’t manipulate me into doing every little thing you want yet you have. I only listen to you because you hold the power, the power that decides if I’ll be happy or not. You know, the power that you continue to use that makes me cry, the one that make me hate you but you seem to ignore how I feel even though its right in front of your face. You’re the only one who manages to make my words and feelings jumble up in my throat, because I’m not “allowed” to speak my mind. You push me to grow up faster yet don’t understand my attitude? You never give me a chance because you don’t care. You never ask how I feel, because you don’t care. You truly don’t. I hurt inside so much that its worse than any feeling I’ve ever had in my whole entire life. I’ll never understand why you made it more difficult. Life was hell to begin with but then you had to sink your claws into me and make me feel like I have no freedom. Freedom to talk, freedom to think, freedom to have feelings. But that’s ok with you isn’t it? Just as long as you feel satisfied. Half of the time you don’t even know that the tears are from you. They are always from you. You'll never know how I truly feel because I dont have the balls to tell you.

I truly hate you mom. Happy Mothers Day.

Yet again, you made me cry.