...........
All I can say is that I've found out that I'm not as strong as I thought I was. I cant take this....

I think I had an ok day until i was basically threatened and physically assulted then to come back and read journal replys.

Two faced..thats alll what people are arent they.

Most of the stuff I was talking about didnt even concern most of the people just some. I didnt need the reaction I got trust me. Things were said that were out of hurt and rage...and thats all I got back. I dont care if it was my fault or not....that doesnt justifye.

To hell with it.


To hell with it all.

I dont need shit like this.

Whatever.

I feel violated.

Whatever



I am sick of all the back talking. They are our group. We don’t need to be talking behind people’s backs. These people are supposed to be our friends? Why don’t they act like it? This doesn’t concern some of you; so don’t worry too much about it. Some people are making others feel bad. And even if they feel bad for a stupid reason or more likely for a reason you don’t understand don’t continue. Say you’re sorry. Don’t do it again. Why make certain plots about people? Yeah..It sounds funny sure but it’s not right, its mean. Even if you are joking, you’re still plotting behind their back. I don’t understand why people continue. Do they feel that ignorant that they have to plot and make fun of other people? Its ok to do it to maybe people who aren’t are friends but when you sit there and make fun of someone who’s sitting no more than 3 seats from you…that’s taking it a step further. Its not funny anymore. It never was. I’m tired of feeling like I can’t trust anyone. I hear you talking about people and how do I know you don’t talk about me like that? It’s all so stupid and I’m not the only one who’s felling like this. There are others.

Why continue to put up with it? I wont. Many wont. Next year- I’m not going to lie, I probably won’t even hang out with half of you. Again…this only concerns some of you. But don’t feel like I’m being the bitch, its going to be your fault that people are starting to drift away from you. Its because people are being incompetent…. its so middle school, and if you are like that now…Chances are you’re not going to change.

I hate school. I hate most of the people. Yeah our school isn’t that bad but its still bad. School sucks. What ever happened to being nice? What ever happened to being nice to your friends?

School sucks ….I can’t say that I have ever really had “fun” at school.

I need to find at least “some” new people goddd. When will people get a fucking clue?!?!?

I need to finish my U.s. History homework. This is the first time I’ve ever waited that long to do it. I’m slipping. I need to at least devote some of my mind to homework. Lately I’ve been going home and sleeping. Sleeping all the way through dinner. Sleep is good…sleep makes you forget everything. I was sleeping today and I had a dream that Theresa, Lindsey, and I were eating alone at lunch and I bought Lindsey lunch. It wasn’t dreams where people were talking…it was like everyone knew what people were saying without talking…weeirdd. Its funny that I was buying Lindsey lunch because I owe her like a new car lol. That reminds me, I will bring like 10$ tomorrow and pay my library fines. ANDD I have to turn in my spring picture money.

Screw you guysss..i’m going to finish my homework.

I love ice water almost more than Theresa.... UTOH!


Today at 4 i was supose to go with Krystal and Julie to Starbucks. No. Mom wouldnt let me. It was 4 pm damnit. Why shouldnt I be able to go. Thats not fair. I never ask to do anything or go anywhere and when I do she doesnt let me then she has the nerve to say "Why dont you hang out with your friends." Fuck that. Fuck her. Thats bull shit. I wanted a carmal frappachino too damnit.

I slept from 3:30 to 7. It was nice. I'm going to like be wide awake though. American Idol is on.

Last night my sister pissed me off. She said she didnt like my poems and she asked "where'd you come up with that". Shes too dumb to understand that poems arent just an assignment they are reflections on your life. Of course she wouldnt come up with that. The thought probably hasnt even crossed her mind. Shes too stupid to see that shes being bluntly rude and she doesnt even realize it . Its her personality. And she wonders why she doesnt have friends.

I'm sick of this shit when am I going to be able to do stuff without having to consent with everyone. Its too damn annoying and I should be able to go where and when I want. Thats what pisses me off. No one cares....no one does. My parents could care less. They are so damn stubborn and not flexible. They are beyond not flexible. They cant even take me anywhere without complaining. Your the parents...you have to take me atleast somewhere .... thats your job. Get use to it. Its not like you've been driving me everywhere my whole life. You havent let me go anywhere to be able to do that. Whenever i'm in the car its on your fucking terms...we're never going where I want to go.

If you were to ask my dad what my favorite color is he wouldnt know.....

If you were to ask my mom who my friends where and what kind of music i like... she wouldnt know....

They dont care...they dont see that they dont even know me anymore.

Today today today...


Today was ok. It was shitty outside and it kindof reflects on my day. Nothing bad really happened. Math was funny because Mr.Cain is old. Science sucked because I have to study tonight and do a worksheet i think? We have a elements quiz tomorrow. I had a section review to do but i copied libby's so i'm done with that. Tomorrow we'll do a hw check then get another section review then next wednesday we have a test and notebooks are do. I need to finish my notebook. L.A. is boring we dont do anything but write. I have to start doing the grammar drawer. Cooking sucks. Have to finish my cooking thingy thats due May somethin. Computer I have to study for a database test Wednesday. So..thats bout it.

School sucks big butts. Kayla and I took a walk down memory lane lastnight and were talking about the good old summer times and all our inside jokes. We were crazy....lol. We still are. I miss hanging out with her.

I need to start writing more poems and storys for mrs.klaes poetry book thing that shes going to publish. I so far have one poem. I threw away the story I wrote. I have to rewrite it ...it didnt say anything to me. I am definatly going to publish the story somewhere around the lines. Its about someone I knew who still goes to our school and how much I miss their friendship. Only the person who I miss will know who they are. Its all going to be like in code kindof...you'll see.

The way I wrote it the first time it was too long and just was a bunch of blah. I'll possibly rewrite it tonight. I'm going to write more poems to..or atleast try!! Most of my poems come out as duds. Damn Duds...mmm..millkkk dudss lol

I forgot I had an ortho appointment today. They gave me a thicker wire...i should have my braces off by this summer or by the beginning of school. YAY NO MORE UGGGLAY BRACES! and i can start using crest white strips. :-D

Waiting for desperation ..

Eyes filled with

this poem thing isnt going to worrrk!

Newspapers smell like.....potatoes
Next weekend i have to go to a shower. A wedding shower- ehh. I kindof wanted to go. Not really though. My cousin is marrying a snob. Some girl. Some girl who hasnt made an effort to really be ok. Some of the wedding gifts she was asking for was alot of money. Be happy your getting a wedding shower and a wedding.

So now my mom doesnt think our $40 kitchen knives are good enough because Barbs sister got Shannon a rotisarary oven. Those are around like 90$. Not that big of a deal right. Yet my mom complains. Yet she tells me we cant afford for me to go shopping like i previously did alot. Yet she goes out and gets 500$ worth of clothes for herself when she already has her side and my dads side of the closet full of her clothes. She doesnt need anymore. Yet we go on vacation spending atleast 5 grand give or take a few hundred including the plane tickets.

Why does she lie to me.

She has the nerve th ask me to get a job when she knows no one will hire 14-15 year olds.

She complains about our family and how we can never have family because both sides are screwed up. Maybe because that was her doing or her doing in her mind. My family isnt that bad. She forces herself to see something bad that isnt there.

So i dont want to go to the wedding shower but I want to go to the wedding. I have nice shoes that i got and a new dress. Diamond earings & necklace. And a pearl bracelet. Why do i want to go. I dont know ...its my first wedding. Also we will be in Chicago. Chicago has malls. Thats the only reason why I want to go. Malls. That have Delias in them...I love delias. They have nice PJS! and clothes...pjs come before clothes.

Lastnight I had to babysit from 5:30pm-1:30 in the morning. 40$ for 2 kids and a baby. I deserve more lol. But when I got home I watched Maid in Manhattan with my sister till 4 in the morning. That was a good movie. JLo reminded me of the Episode of south park with jLo. That episode made me laugh. "OOOhh beenn...me give you taccoo kisses!" lol

I plan to go tanning non stop this week. I need to get tan for the wedding.

I dont want to go to school tomorrow. School sucks. I need to make a permision slip for the movie in Us History. We're going to the Imax. Wahoo! Any day without us history is a good day. Mrs. Dekrakwhore needs to retire. She has lost too much hip fat...shes as flat as a board and she might just keep loosing hips and her legs will fall off. I get first dips on the first damn leg to fall off!! HEAR ME! lol I want to kick her in the face with it.

Nothing..
I feel like writing.... I dont know what though. I'm to preocuiped from watching the damn reality tv shows and the star search ones. I hate reality tv. I only like Real World and Road Rules. They were the original ones..the rest give reality a bad name.

I cant think about anything...whatever i think of comes to a blank. Is something wrong? No. Is there something bugging me? I'm not to sure. Eh. I have to babysit tomorrow. I cant wait until its over with and i get my damn money. Damn kids. lol.

First thing that pops in my head. Theresa. Theresa ....Theresa .... Thersa. How I long for her to be my best friend. She is my best friend. :-D I love Theresa. I've gotten to know her better and I love her. I love hugs.

I got my hair cut :-D

thats all i have to say.

Whatever tomorrow has in store for me...
School was gay as usual. Theresa made me laugh. She did this shuffle with her feet and would run into the door and try to push it open. It was funny. I think I almost peed. LOL. Uhhh nothing really else happened. Our cake turned out like shit in cooking but the sunglasses were cool lol. Everyone so envied our bunny...and they know it too. I'm tired. I think i'll wear pjs to school tomrrow sounds like a plan to me.

Tomorrow I think i'm going to go with krystal and see if we can get julie to come w/ us to subway then go to starbucks.

Oh yeah that reminds me- Ok...I was going to go out to dinna with krystal tonight and i called my mom and asked her if i could and she was all like "your father and i have already discused this. you arent going out at all this week. you already stayed out late lastnight and monday night so no you cant go." WTF. 9pm isnt late?! Plus I hardly ever go anywhere or actually GET to go anywhere because they wont let me. If they are like that next year I am so not going to take it..I have my own agenda too..they will have to work around it. And why do they have to be so bitchy about it. They could just nicely tell me I cant go. Jeeeeeeeeeez!

Uhh... I dono. I'm downloading music. I've wrote 2 things that i'm going to put in Mrs.Klaes poem book thingy. Ones a poem that I posted in here and the other is an inspirational story. Well. Inspirational to me. Its about how i met someone and how we've lost touch even though we still go to the same school. Those of you who have Klaes will eventually get to read it.

Er. People need to update their journallls!!
lol I g2g i think its dinna time.

I am so going to try to get subway!

TTYL

Poem




Tainted Emptiness

The core where I become numb
lost in the darkness of shadows
waiting for a lead
The glass sits empty
cold
untouched
not stained
nor broken
just untouched
The cold gray stone is dropped
chipping away anger
leaves the stone with holes
holes that have no ending
Streams form from anger
sadness
they stain flesh
The glass still stands
touched
taineded
half full
but still unbroken


(c) Amy Baird

@ School
Today has been pretty gay. I'm hungry. Lastnight I hung out with Krystal. It was really fun we need to do that more often. We walked to Starbucks and I got an Iced mocha latte. It was ok...really strong but still ok. After that we walked back to her house then walked around the block a couple times...ya know burn off those extra calories. LMAO. Then we went inside and went online. I jumped out at Krystal when she was going down the stairs and I scared her and she almost peed her pant. That was funny. We went to Jody's alittle after that and split a strawberry shortcake. It was good...mm.. Then I had to walk home all by my self. Krystal walked me half way thank god. When I was walking back home it was dark and scary. ... so to keep myself calm i started singing sweet home alabama and made guitar noises LOL those of you who know me can see me doing that lol. So i got home and it was quarter after 9. I called and said I'd be home at nine. My mom was all like "YOU DONT NEED TO BE OUT THIS LATE." and she all asked what we did then she just sat there and stared at me and gave me a dirty look. Bittccch...Am I not aloud to have a life? Its not like i'm sitting under trees getting high on bark ...god... I g2g bell going to ring.

"Home is where the heart is....."



Eh. I'm home now. I got home lastnight at like 8:30. I didnt want to come home other than the fact to hold my kitty in my arms. I wish I could go back to florida. Kayla stayed like 5-10 mins away from where I was staying and I never knew. Damnit. We could have hung out on the days that I sat home and did...NOTHING. I'd rather do nothing in Florida than do nothing in Michigan.

Tomorrow I'm going to have to force myself into going to school. Dont make me go. I dont want to go. I miss my friends dont get me wrong, but i dont want to get up early. Nows not the time. It will never be the right time. Well...to make myself feel better, We have little over 2 months of school left. Thats sweet candy to my ears. (LOL sweet candy...what am I talking about..mmm..M&Ms) Summer I plan to do a litttle me time. Work on the whole self improvement thing for my whole summer. I shall obtain my goal damnit lol. No ... its not funny. I have to be serious about it otherwise i'm not going to get anywhere like always.

Another reason why I dont want to go to school: Worrying about my grades and test dates. I have to have a test date in U.s. History soon....Ah... Us History...my enimie. The subject that makes my skin crawl...The subjest that my mom shall ground me for....Please just for this year let me keep my grades steady so there will be no yelling. I wouldnt be able to handle any more yelling.

"She only liked me for my Pimp Juice....I think I gotta let her loose...let her loose..." I should use that in real life....is there such thing as lady pimp juice? Someone please give me this answer. I must know. And if there is such thing....Theresa sure as hell has it LOL!! LMSTBSAO!!! Heehaw...I'm so funny........

Eh....umm....I donno what to say. I'm tired..I cant think...too tired. We HAVE ICE CREAM HOW COULD I FORGET THAT WE HAD ICE CREAM!! AND NOT TO MENTION THE SOUR GUMMIE WORMS I FORGOT TO BRING WITH ME TO FLORIDA.... I HOPE SHEELY DIDNT EAT THEM... I WILL KILL HER IF SHE DID lol...Sheely...u betta not have....I come get u...while your sleeping...heehheee!!!!!


I best be going now. I wrote some while I was in Florida. I will post them later when I get around to it.aka...tomorrow night possibly.

Things for tomorrow:
*School
*Cooking w/ Dannie...Sheels...and Amanda and KALLY.
*Go home
*Champion W/ Emily and I'll probably see Jesse
*tanning because I'm whiter than Courtney Love and shes a white trash salad....
*Go home and sleep

I can feel the wind blowing on my toes...



I've been looking at things from a different prospective lately and I'm not liking what I see within people. Some people have surprised, dissapointed, and amused me in ways I've never thought. I have been spending about a month having no feeling. I usually feel semi-depressed and self concious, but lately...I just feel..well numb/ mixed emotions but nothing bad.

Its not self empowerment at all. That would be a good thing. Its just temporary loss of feeling. Feeling in my heart...feeling in my soul...feeling in what I believe...and what I want to believe. I have seen peoples true colors lately and I dont think i'm begining to like some of them...I try to convince myself that maybe its just the way I'm interpreting things but I know its not like that at all.

Everyone says people change but I never thought it would be like that...happen like it does. I didnt see my self months ago bonding more with the people I do now although I was wishing to. I didnt think I'd meet new friends months ago..but I have. Things change...lifestyles change...people change. Its all proven me wrong. But I like how things are running along its path.

I met Dannie a couple months ago. Shes cool. Shes everything I look for in a best friend. I can see her and I teaming up for the good of evil next year. I hope we hang out more soon. I need more friends like her...She makes me laugh and we have similar personalities and humor. Its good to have someone who understands you and what your saying and how you think. Its crazy.

On that note.... I love theresa.
lol

I quit I'm done complaining for the day.

Florida Awaits For Me Tomorrow. I love you Florida. . . . .. . .. . . . ....

Paula Abdol has big ass earings..
Nothing much has changed over the past few weeks.

Amber has been back at school. I think its good for her to get out of the house and good for us to be there for her. I like Amber more than I though. Shes funny and really nice. I hope we can talk more and be closer friends.

Some stuff has happened that I'm confused about ...I donno i'm going to leave it at that. Theres a guy..... then theres a girl ...thats it....but its just...so confusing....

People have been changing. Some people more conceided that others....just because they now have something nothing else seems to matter. It bugs the hell out of me. I want to see it get taken way just to see what she does.

I want to go to Florida and get tan and get away from everything. Things have been better. I love hanging out with Theresa and Lindsey. I love them. Lindsey makes me pee my pants...so does Theresa. Theresa's good to talk to. David is nice to hang out with too. Davids great he also makes me pee my pants also.

Dannie and I have been hangin out in cooking. Shes cool I hope we can become better friends and we can hang out with Jesse together.

Thats it I quit.

Everything
Alot has happened since last week. I'm a bitch to sit and complain about my problems when people have issues that are 10 times worse. Tragedy has struck us all...I just hope some day everything will be ok again.

In Memory Of Mrs.Poe

Please let this pass...please make everything ok again.

I love you Amber- I hope you and your family make it through this rought time. Talk to me when you feel better.

I'm speechless.

Monday- Everyone in our group...crying. Everyone..just not talking...the red cheeks and the tear stained eyes told it all. I didnt want to cry. I couldnt.. I dont know why. It was just a shock. All I could think about is how terrible I felt. My stomach hurt more than it had ever....ever...

I cant stand to see the pain on peoples faces it kills me.

Feh...



Everything is happy now? One thing comes and nothing seems to matter anymore. Not even friends? Its amazing how one thing can change someones life. Change them as a person. Change them as a friend.

great.. just great?
---
I think personally I've grown as a person big time...I'm talking like mayjorly since last year. I'm not the absent minded 13 year old anymore. I'm seeing things...the world...people for who and what they are and I'm not necessarily liking them. And its not my fault. People change...Things change. If they arent destined to be what they are then they will end up floating away anyways. I know there are going to be a lot of changes soon...in friends....people..opionions...its all going to come all at once but no one is going to know when its coming. I feel that I now know what I want to be. I want to be me, no ifs ands or buts. If that means changing my whole life...everything just so I can be absolutely 100% me than so be it. Lifes way to short to play with our lives. Play games...treat people as groups and not indivisuals...treating people based on rumors or what they are said to be...Its a waist a time and its Middle School....sheer middle school and I'm tired of it.

I went through a lot of thinking this whole year...more thinking about me...not naything else but me and its gotten me into alot of trouble with people and school. But its helped me and thats all that matters. I dont want to be this ideal person....someone everyone wants..the way people expect me to be. I dont want to be like that. I want to be everything but that. I have so much stuff to dig through yet mentally. This summer is going to be dedicated to me. I dont want to hang out with anyone I dont think. I'm going to spend the whole summer with no one but me..I'm going to figure out who I am...and what i'm going to be. Plus I'd like to live the experience of not seeing any of my friends for 3 months and having a dramatic reunion on the first day of school to make it even more sentimental and more memorable.

This is a new start.

A fresh start....

2 more weeks until spring break. I could use time to get away from Rockford and school. I need a week in a paradise where I will write as i'm sitting on the balcony of our condo....looking at the sun sink down into the ocean creating the most unbelievable pastel like colors in the sky decending into the night....

I have found my love. Poetry.

I long to be in Florida.

Looking for me?



Looking for me? I've moved my journal to.....

http://www.angelfire.com/punk4/everythingamyness