el telefono
doom doom doom...on phone with jackie! shes talking to me now...which is good...we had a long discussion. THe reason i didnt write for so long is that my brother and kristy came in, and they go to bed early (usually having to get up for work) and the computer is in the room that they were staying in. Well, they stayed for ten days, and cathy and my grandma came in...it was kind of overwhelming...i wanted to talk to my grandma, but wanted to spend time with cathy and my brother...and its hard to keep them together-grandma~proper, cathy~not best manners, tyler~smart ass. so, after two or so months of my mum talking to jackie privately, and me guessing, phone calls started coming, "so you having a party this yr?" "how's that party coming along?" you know like that...all ending with my response of "huh?" then, the ninth of august morning, i checked my caller id and it said "card and party warehouse" o how nice...also, kristy said "so when is that party?". well, anyway...my brother came upstairs and asked to play computer games, quite obviously to keep me occupied...and then took me driving [in which, may i add, that i did quite well, stalling only twice], telling me he had never been down the road that took us to the park where the party was. yes...a surprise party! woo! everyone was there~37 people! everyone jackie (who was pissed at me at the time), sandy, yasamin, patrice, benton, hul, stacey, lisa, neil{'course}, danielle, jaymie, spencer, anthony, andy, anthony's girlfriend that i hate, nick, jill, chris, Q [mike], stunkel (kevin), jennifer, the girls i babysit, cathy {whom of which i've mentioned}, ::sigh:: i cant remember everyone. it was a lot of fun tho...if you want to know more about it, go to my friends and read goose's entry...thats jillian...shes fun!


so this is what is going on. i am mean...yes, your eyes hath not deceived you. kei, as ive told you, has left vhhs. and there have been two parties for her now. they were fun...but there are two problems...maybe that i have created for myself. first of all, i am very mean to neil. i am controlling and violent toward him. i only hurt him. i guess its what ive always done toward people...hurt them...if i spend enuf time around thm...i do so. wen i was little, everyone played school when jorie wanted them too...and with cathy, the same, and with anthony i hurt him too...and now with nick and neil. i hate it but i dont know how to stop it.


nick is going to make me cry. we have been talking about neil and me and how my whole thing with jackie and benton and wender created a disaster, destorying trust and friendships along the way. but no one changes on the outside. we still hug, tickle each other, talk about the same things. but only those involved know of the deceit and the fear of change. no one sees the tears run down or the things our desires drive us to do. no one knows the thoughts we think, but they know the situation. i hate the cold chill that runs thru my body when i think of how i am not even sure if neil cares for me or if it is only sexual lust that drives him to stay with me late at night. i shake thinking of the hate of men i have, because they lack the ability to think so itimatly as women do. this is a long ass entry. i was going to write of how i missed hul so much when i looked in his eyes tonight, but it doesnt matter...the truth has been verified...what ive wondered for a few weeks, something so obvious has been spoken true, and it sort of hurts, erasing any intrest i had in discussing past boyfriends. night.

Are you a purple cow?