well I got my wireless up and running again, so I'm back
this old things gonna die soon, but I'll end up spending a hell of alot of money on it while it's alive

that's beside the point, I've seen this in alot of journals, so I figured I'd bite the bullet and post it

i am - here ... now ... what more can I say?
i see - what I need to
i find - whatever I need to find
i want - to help, myself and others
i wish - I could help, but I really can do no more than I do
i hate - most people, except for a few who know who they are, but I'm not to fond of myself
i miss - my own hell, it was a bad place, but one I knew well, and I got uprooted suddenly
i fear - emotion, especially love, myself
i feel - very little
i hear - now, some music, evanescence I think
i smell - incense with a slight hint of lizard crap
i crave - meaning ... answers, but most of all ... nothing
i search - anything I can find
i wonder - aimlessly as a cameo
i care - about a few people, very much
i always - will care, forever
i am not - what they all make of me
i believe - in randomness, letting the tide carry me as it will
i cringe - at the sight of me
i dance - if the right person tells me to
i sing - like a subwoofer when I'm alone
i cry - internally only
i do not always - see
i succeed - in ways I don't care about
i fail - in everything I care about
i fight - for others happiness
i write - whatever comes out of my hand and head
i give - anything I can
i won - nothing
i lose - anything I hold dear
i never - want you to have to cry
i confuse - everything and everyone
i listen - to very few
i can usually be found - in my basement, back yard, internet
i hope - for your happiness
i expect - nothing
i need - you to be happy
i think - of others, of you

I'm slipping
I'm going into one of my lapses
I don't know what caused it, but here I go
I'll sink down into a state of surreal blur
Everything passing by ... differently
Everything will seem weird and crisp and I'll feel like I'm wandering through a deep mist
I'll snap out of it, but for now I'm slipping in
Sorry for any weird things I may say or so, by weird, I mean weird for me
I'm just feeling blury
Agh

It's been a long day
Cyler's grandmum
The things that were said last night between everyone
It's just really hit me harder than it should have yesterday
I've got alot to sort through in my own mind before I say anything else
I need some time to try and read through some very thick layers in my mind

Mandy wanted me to put in something about this
tiny ears .... really tiny ears
good person though, really good to talk to
Kinda jumpy and uppity, but a good person none the less
what else can I say
good person, seems to not hate me, that's good
hey, keep up being you, you're a good person, good to talk to, good sense of humor and ... goodly hyper

I don't know anymore
My lif eis moving in a different direction lately. It's different then even a year ago, or half a year ago ... in fact everything started to change the day of my first post. That's when everything started to get ... better is that the word for it? Actually I guess it all started one day when I was in a good mood about a year ago, but nothing changed for about a year ... now everythings actually moving. I'm no longer stagnent and alone, rotting with my thoughts and slowly killing myself off mentally. I look different, I feel different, I think different. EVerything's hhappened so fast, people taking an interest, no longer alienating me ... everything's just moving really ... blah.
It's all just confusing that my life is changing and maybe I can't keep up with it ... by summer I think life will be a completely different place for me than it was at New Years .... we'll see I guess, we'll see, it's all in the future and the future holds news for me, so onward ho into the great abyss.

God I must not look real good right now
I'm sick
I'm twitching like mad
I'm depressed ... very depressed
I'm tired, just worn out
I feel like I'm gonna vomit
My hair's a mess, all in my eyes and I look really green
Not to mention I never look good to start with
I'm gonna guess that right now I look, feel and sound like a depressed and drunk hobo

My head feels like the inside has been turned to jelly which is sloshing around my skull and had a nail driven through it which is chipping away at the front
I really hate myself right now
I really really hate myself right now
I feel like shit
I really want last night to ... have gone bette ... and for me to have done better
I could have helped better .... but I had to go and be a jackass
I really feel like shit
I really really feel like shit
And I hate myself right now

I need to meditate
I need some tea
I need to burn some incense
I need sleep
I'm tired and hurt and ... goddamn
I ffel like shit and I'm sorry for everything I had to do
But I'm background, a cameo, I did what I had to, right?
I tried my best to do what I though I could
And now I feel hated, I feel like shit and I need a drink, something stronger than tea would be nice ...
I'm so sorry
I'm so very sorry and I cannot stress that enough
But I don't always have answers
I can't always help ... sometime we help ourselves ... and I hate myself for saying that just now
I really need a drink, really badly
I'm not made of stone ... I'm not made of stone
And I'm sorry and I feel like shit ... I'm not made of stone
I'm not made of stone, right now I'm made of crap

I found this on Mandy's journal
Sounded kinda interesting

NO! Stupid American Idol. That show is for retards. They took over my Tru Calling..nooo..anywho..

I want everyone who reads this to ask me 3 questions. Anything you want. Then go to your journal, copy and paste this allowing your friends (including myself) to ask you anything

so go ahead, take a shot

Another Day
I always get back from school feeling like crap
I go there and I'm ... just background
I'm isolated, very few people even care what happens to me
I am abshed and insulted and riddiclued and insulted in many forms. Called a fag, steryotyped as a goth, persecuted for religious beliefs, just plain hated, called a moron, or just hated because I'm quiet and alienated
It's all their fault ... they're the ones who turned me away ... they're the people who never really accepted me and now they constantly grow more hatred for me because of my furthering alienation
In short, most poeple have forced me into being alone, in hiding, into being a shut in, and every day they all hate me a little more for being alone, then the just feel the need to hate me, fear me ....
It's a vicious cycle and I don't really see where it started, how it works or how it will end ... but it's there
Thing is that I don't care what they think, it's just that all my life I've been in the firing line of hate and alienation and so I've been taught that I am what they say I am
I have come to believe everything they say about me ... I hate that I hate myself for no better reason than that everyone else seems to have a problem with who I am
All I want is not to feel that, and for them to jsut leave me be ... not to come home all alone with a throbing headache form six and a half hours of hell ... to just be able to sit down and think "wow, that was a decent day"
it's to much for me to ask I know, if I cannot help myself how can anyone help me?
to those who care, Tori, Kalie, Cyler ... thank you ... thank you so very much

words
I haven't been able to find the words for what's been going on lately
So ... how'd this happen? Everyine found my comment through two anonymous comments and that's fine ... just I don't know
So here I am ... gettin ready to go back to school and to face all that
So many things have managed to change through this vacation ... and there are so many things I need to say
I want to help them both out, ... I mean, my life is better than it usually is ... but I'm not happy
Because they're not happy ... I'll be happy once they're all happy
All I want to do is help them, they've all helped me so much, all I can do is repay the favor and always be there
I smell like wood smoke ... I need to shave .... and I have some work to do, I should do that before tomarrow
I haven't been able to find the words to explaine what's in my head and I still can't ... now on into the tomarrow

my break
has consisted of taking care of Eric's house
sitting downstairs and reading, writing and watching the occasional movie
And oh yeah lots of music
I haven't shaved in a week
And I haven't see any of my friends in about a week
And I've barely spoken a word in the past five days
And all there is to eat in this house is .... canned chili, canned clam chowder (two cans of each) and top ramen (about five packs)
I can either make that last for a few more days
Or I can burn myslef by going out into the sun (hisses)
I think I'll make it last

You Make Me Feel
You ... I owe it all to you
You bring me the closest to tears I have ever been
You make me want to feel
You make me want to help
You make me want to do everything
You have done so much for me
And I hope I can return the favor
I'm almost crying right now ... I'm not but I'm pretty damn near
God ... you're there
You're strong
You're great
I don't wanna see you fall
I don't wanna see you in pain
I just wanna see you happy

How do you have such an effect on us all?
It's because you're you
Some feel this way and some feel that way but I know that I for one and many others want to help you, we never want to see you hurt and we would gladly die for you
Just remember that we are always here

Another Day
It seems like on vacation I;m either sick or working
That's one reason I don't like em
I hate the isolation too but that's not a far stretch from my normal life anyway
Only really good part is the extra sleep
That's the only reason my eyes aren't bloodshot all year round

I need to relax, kinda hard when I'm sick, but I mean I wrote a novella in three days ... and when I finally get to relax ... I get sick

Maybe I'll call someone up and take some more of Eric's music

I got myself an Irish Gaelic to English and visa versa program ... to work on the novella
problem is it's hard to translate since I don't know the grammatical structure of the language (position of words in sentence ect.) I'll need to study that
what I do know is that they have no past tense or halping verbs

maith slán mo aos

Long Day
So I'm a gimp right these past few days
I hurt my foot and I've been limping everywhere and I need to do something about that, but that's of no importance, just had it on my mind
Pulled off six hours of work and two hours of appointments today, boring as hell, and yet I manage to write a couple thousand words (one novella in two days, that's good) in Truths
What is it about vacation that makes me want to be productive?
hypocricy I guess
I have no work to do tomarrow, nor any engagements, maybe I'll call someone, they might be lonely
I'm just spewing out every word in my head because I'm bored as hell and I need something to do

On a more serious note
God I wish there was something I could do
I wish I could help but how can I when I can't help myself
He thinks I can, but I'm blind and yet I can help him
oh well, we'll see where life takes me eh?