We Were Meant To Live for So Much More

We Were Meant To Live for So Much More

:: 2005 21 March :: 11.31 pm

Today I just got so scared. So scared of the future. What the hell am I going to do?

I'm sick of school and I don't want to go anymore. I want a life away from my life. I want to be like Matt and Angie and Alex and not have to realize the potential that I have. I want to waste my life.

That also brought me to another scary thought that I've been having: what if this is it? What if I've made my mark on the world and just flamed out? I don't know how I could live with that.

It's really strange, but now that I'm with her I actually feel more alone. I feel like there is no one that I can really talk to that doesn't have a motive for me. I could talk to her, but I know she has a motive. Plus, I don't want to be that serious already. I mean, we are getting more serious than we were before is some ways, but I don't want to become emotionally serious yet. That's just too much.

So I've got a paper due in 9 hours and I haven't even started it. I feel like not doing it.

I'm hating going to my Spanish class and I'm contemplating not ever going again. I'm going to fail, I might as well do a good job of it. And what does it say about me that I just want to give up? I want to give it all up and just be a lazy drifter with no future, no potential, free to do what I want when I want to. I don't think I'm cut out for that, but I don't think that I'm cut out for the life I"m living either. I'm going to go cry, perhaps sleep a little, perhaps write a little.

What is your life meant to be?

:: 2005 16 March :: 12.57 pm

I'm still in this kind of limbo, trying to navigate my way between two things that I think would severely disappoint me.

Kim and I are back together. They all said that it wouldn't take long and they were right. I love her, I really do. However, there is this weird feeling that I have, kind of a doubt about the future. The hard thing is that I convinced myself that she didn't want me. I convinced myself that there was nothing wrong with my life before she came along, so why was I so depressed when we broke up, nothing had really changed right? And now I'm having trouble with the opposite aspect. I was getting over her. I was healing, in fact, I was getting used to not having a girlfriend. All the things that you can do as a single guy, but not when you're in a relationship, like flirting with girls and thinking about them in different ways. It's strange because part of me doesn't want to lose that. I kind of feel like there is nothing wrong with my life before she came along so why should I change my life because of her. So I walk the line, trying not to do anything that is going to upset her, abut at the same time still maintaining my individuality and not isolating myself in the confines of our relationship.

We talked about just having fun and not letting things get too serious. But I realized that it's a cop out on my part. I don't want to let things get too serious so that she doesn't have the power to hurt me again. I don't want to give that to her willingly this time. Yes, I'm a different person than I was four months ago. I don't think she thinks that we can just go back to the way we were, but some of the things she does seems like it. Obviously I don't want to go back to the way things were because there was a reason that she ended up with him anyway. Things are kind of confusing right now, but I just need to remember to not let these little nagging quesitons bother me, and just keep livin'.

BTW, I think I've failed my Spanish class. I don't think I have the brain anymore to get a new language. Or at least the way that they teach it here. It's very remedial, and I am very used to the pace in college. I need to know when things are due, sooner than the day before, because I just don't have time. I need to have concepts and ways of thinking about things to keep me engaged. Learning the language the way they teach it is like learning your multiplication tables. If you have the necessary background you can do it, but if you can't you feel inadequate and develop a bad attitude which only leads to less partcipation and learning. How I know all these things and can still be failing the class I have no idea, but it's a test of my redmedialness (if that's even a word) more than it is a test of my intelligence or true ability to learn the language.

1 Meaning | What is your life meant to be?

:: 2005 9 March :: 12.12 am
:: Mood: whimsical
:: Music: Counting Crows

The subject has yet to escape, but persists in evading me
If there is anything to say, I should say it now.

Yes, she did leave him. Thank God, truly for that one. I spent all day Sunday thanking people for whatever small role that they played in her ending her realtionship with him. It became about safety. I also thought it was encouraging that she came up with her plan of action far before she read what I had to say.

So I spent all night last night at her dad's house with her. I got there to pick her up for dinner at 6. We stayed at the resturaunt until 8:30. Just talking and having a good time. There was one point where she fell over by me and I put my arm around her, for like just a second (man, I'm starting to sound likr Crystal). Then we went back to her dad's house and we talked some more and then she got online and was talking to her sister and Christine when we had our real conversation. I told her how I felt. That I wanted to make sure that her feelings for me weren't just because I looked much better than her recent past. That I wanted to take things slow, just hang out and have fun, and stop being so serious. And then I asked her how she felt; that was the hardest part of the whole night. It was the time that I had the most doubt. She didn't say anything. Nothing at all. She couldn't vocalize, or wouldn't vocalize what she was feeling. And I felt that old frustration setting in. But then it was weird, because I didn't want to put too much pressure on her, but at the same time, I feel like I can't go back to her if she can't open up to me. And we hugged. A long, firm embrace, that seemed to say everyhting she was feeling without her actually saying it.

So we went into the living room, at this point it was like 1:30am. I was about ready to go home, but I sat down on the couch while she went to the bathroom and I fell asleep. I knew I was done. I also knew in my head that that can be interpreted as being romantic. To tell the truth, I've left that place way too many times, being thrown out into the harsh realities of life, and wanting to cry. I didn't want to be alone. I didn't want to think. I simply wanted to be again. I wanted to be right now, not the past, nor the future, jsut right now. And we held hands, and did the things we used to do. And she curled up next to me, with her head on my belly and she fell asleep. But I wasn't sure how to feel. This girl, that I care about, but has hurt me so deeply, is inviting me back into her life. And there she was, perfectly beautiful to me again, perfectly lovely, there for me, a God given angel to bring a light to my life (okay, I'm being slightly melo-dramatic here, but bear with me). And I re-realized that I loved her, and that she loved me. For one time that was enough, because the thin line we now tread, just as the title of my journal says, is thin, and soon all could be good, or all could be lost.

What is your life meant to be?

:: 2005 3 March :: 4.13 pm

Okay. So before you all think I'm a raging lunatic. I'm not a communist. Hell, I'm not even a liberal. It's just an expression of frustration. There are so many questions and so few answers. So many people, but the same approach. It's just frustrating. Academics (the people) are very good at pointing out the problems, but are poorly equipped to come up with the answers. We need answers, not problems. We need to figure out where we are going and go there, not wait around. Life is too short to put up with this shit.

1 Meaning | What is your life meant to be?

:: 2005 3 March :: 3.59 pm

So I should really be upset, but I'm not. I just don't know how to deal with the whole situation. It's not a good one for her, but I can't get involved because of our past. I get the feeling that she wants me too, but I can't. She hinted at the possibility that we may have a future potential, and I kind of shy away from that. She hurt me, bad. I just don't think I can put myself through that again. But I need to help her. What ever shall I do?

On the other hand, I had a real interesting conversation with a girl in my politics class. Silda is Albanian and awesome. She just so completely socially liberal that it's not even funny. We stood in class and talked about how people can't think for themselves right in front of the two dumbest women (yes, women; there the soccer mom type's who I constantly made fun of in my Michigan History class) in the class. We were having a discussion about Rousseau's view of pre-historic man and the woman couldn't get it through her head. She kept talking about how bad it must have been to have to eat raw meat. Whoopi!!! Raw meat. Big friggin' deal. Get over it. Anyway, I digress. So we spent like an hour talking about social issues. And all the questions and the knowledge that we will never had, and where we are going in life (not we as in her and I, but our generation). I told Kim last night that I have absolutely no faith in our generation. I look around and I see so much laziness and filth. She brought up the '60's and how no one thought that their generation would do anything either. And to that I responded that at least there were doing what they were doing for a reason. Free love is a very attractive message. It is also a motivation that our generation sorely lacks. We don't smoke because of an innate sense that it will bring deeper meaning. Everything we do is so selfish and corporate driven. Ask a goth why they wear black. Can they give you a good reason? Can they justify themselves other than they feel like misfits in a society that recognizes and rewards strange behavior? Can they justify their clothes as more than things that are being mass marketed to youth by large corporations? Do you really think that corporations that sell these fashions want kids to become accepted into society? No, hell no. they want them to continue to be misfits, so they will buy more of their products. Yes, it all sounds like a conspiracy. But we have to wake up and see what is going on. We have realize that the social injustice in this country is so huge. When a city like Detroit is made up of 98% African Americans while the suburbs are 97% caucasian, we have a problem. It's defacto segregation. Where is the cry of justice? Where are the cries of outrage? Silenced, because it's too uncomfortable to think about.

1 Meaning | What is your life meant to be?

:: 2005 25 February :: 8.46 pm

I guess no one really will take my mindless banter about Hunter S Thompson seriously. Oh well. It's strange, it was my first experience to the alternate. My first exposure to thought. And it was him. It was my peers who educated me, but it was him. I was straight laced, and still am. But reading his work doesn't make you feel bad to be straight laced. The people he mocks, even though it could be you, are straight laced, but not. His eccentrism is so out there. And if you don't understand, you need to read. Get out of your shell and read his stuff. He may be the greatest American writer of the latter half of the 20th Century. He may have captured what it was all about, and what it all became.

What is your life meant to be?

:: 2005 21 February :: 9.11 am

After seeing it last night I couldn't believe it. He was a great writer and a great man. This is the best article I have found so far. If you get a chance, read some of his works. They are everything that the article says they are, but they contain so much truth too.

Hunter S. Thompson kills himself
By Robert Lusetich in Los Angeles
February 22, 2005

HUNTER S. Thompson, an iconic contrarian who gave birth to an entertaining, anarchic form of journalism he called gonzo, committed suicide yesterday at his compound outside the exclusive ski resort of Aspen, Colorado.
Like one of his great literary heroes, Ernest Hemingway, Thompson, who had a lifelong fascination with guns, died of a self-inflicted gunshot wound, according to police. He was discovered by his son Juan in the kitchen just before 6pm.

A self-styled eccentric and maverick, Thompson favoured Ray Ban aviator sunglasses, a cigarette holder and a cowboy hat that gave him the appearance of a modern-day confederate general.
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Aged either 65 or 67, he was an American original: a drug-hazed, counter-culture Ishmael who wrote passionately about what he saw as the demise of modern US society.

"For the whole point on this picaresque is that the American-style rogue-hero must not merely tease or insult the Silent Majority, but abuse it, outrage it, twist it, hurt it, smash it," he once wrote.

Born in Kentucky to alcoholic parents, Thompson toiled as a mainstream journalist before stumbling across the genre he called gonzo while covering the Kentucky Derby horse race for a sports magazine.

"I'd blown my mind, couldn't work," he told Playboy. "So finally I just started jerking pages out of my notebook and numbering them and sending them to the printer. I was sure it was the last article I was ever going to do for anybody."

Instead, it made him famous, leading to seminal works such as Fear and Loathing in Las Vegas, which began as a 300-word magazine piece about a race in Las Vegas and turned into a best-selling account of a drug-induced road trip to the gambling capital. Published in 1972, it was made into a movie in 1998, starring Johnny Depp.

Not everyone was enamoured with Thompson's style of mythologising, essentially, himself.

Critic Joseph Nocera, in 1981's How Hunter Thompson Killed New Journalism wrote: "But more than anyone else, Hunter Thompson has damaged and discredited New Journalism's promise. Instead of being exhilarated by his freedom, he was corrupted by it. Instead of using it in the search for truth, he used it for trivial self-promotion."

Thompson himself was once asked what made a gonzo journalist. He replied: "The true gonzo reporter needs the talent of a master journalist, the eye of an artist/photographer and the heavy balls of an actor."

Thompson wrote almost a dozen books, including Hell's Angels, Fear and Loathing on the Campaign Trail '72, The Great Shark Hunt, Generation of Swine and Songs for the Doomed, and scores of newspaper and magazine articles. Thompson - on whom Gary Trudeau based his character Uncle Duke in the comic strip Doonesbury - particularly enjoyed writing about politics and sports, and intertwined the familiar themes of violence, sex and drugs.

He could be quite liberal with the truth, as his friend John Burton once noted.

"Lying was the thing he did best," Burton said, "He did it with total cool and confidence." Thompson defended his controversial approach by saying that fiction "is based on reality unless you're a fairytale artist".

"You have to get your knowledge of life from somewhere. You have to know the material you're writing about before you alter it," he said.

His groundbreaking coverage of the 1972 presidential election race between Richard Nixon - who Thompson loathed - and George McGovern was once recalled by a Democrat campaign aide as being the "least accurate yet most truthful" account of that campaign.

Nixon, who Thompson had called a "walking embarrassment to the human race", once said Thompson represented "that dark, venal and incurably violent side of the American character".

It was an insult Thompson would wear as a badge of honour.

The stories about him are almost as legendary as the ones he wrote.

Perhaps one of the most amusing centred on his coverage of the "Rumble in the Jungle", the 1974 heavyweight fight between Mohammad Ali and George Foreman in Zaire.

Days before the fight, Thompson was last seen asking a bell boy at his hotel whether he could lead him to a cannibal tribe.

Thompson, who took to attaching leeches to his head because the blood sucking gave him a "real buzz", did not see the fight but was instead found floating in the hotel pool, face down, afterwards.

When he was fished out, he looked up and asked, "Who won?"

He may have lost some of his relevance in later years, but he continued to insert himself into the national conversation.

He was said regularly to fax advice to Democrats seeking office, and was distraught when Bill Clinton announced he had not inhaled a marijuana cigarette once handed to him.

"It's just a disgrace to an entire generation," he exclaimed.

What is your life meant to be?

:: 2005 15 February :: 10.45 am

I can't figure out if this horrible mood I'm in is because she came in with her boyfriend last night, on Valentine's Day of all days, after I told both of them that i had no desire to meet him. Or maybe I'm just hungry.

What is your life meant to be?

:: 2005 15 February :: 10.41 am

There is a massive right wing conspiracy to force everyone to Christianity, prevent all perverse sexual relations (including premarital), kill all homosexuals, and re-establish prohibition. This has all hinged on the fact that George W. Bush has been re-elected Presdient with 51% of the vote. All people in the middle of America are right wing, gun owning nuts who cannot think for themselves and must be degraded at every chance. This is a command for all those who would believe.

OBEY!!

- Howard Dean, DNC Chairman

What is your life meant to be?

:: 2005 15 February :: 9.56 am

Do you buy into all of it?

Do you buy into this world and the things that are in it? Love and money. Superiority of some over others. Or even percieved superiority. Honesty is all but gone. Let's spare someone's feelings by not talking to them. Don't engage your mind, and everything will be okay. If I'm ignorant of what is going on around me I don't have to responsible.

WRONG!!!

You are responsible for your behavior. You are responsible for the kinds of clothes you wear. You are responsible for how you come off to other people. You are responsible for being intelligent and using that God damned brain of yours for more than just ethreal experiences caused by ingesting mind altering substances. The brain is not there for your amusement. Kindness of thought doesn't help either. I'm being a jackass, so tell me. I'm being nice tell me that too. You're attracted to me, tell me. You hate me and hope I die, tell me. Don't hold it in, don't lie, don't posture. Just tell the truth.

I guess I'm done with this damned rant.

1 Meaning | What is your life meant to be?

:: 2005 13 February :: 7.09 pm
:: Music: "Wild West Show" Big and Rich

Well just as a bit of luck, this is my 200th entry. Not that any of you care too much.

"There's never a hero in a battle of ego, There's never a winner of the quick draw." - Big and Rich

Something that someone could spend so long on, focus so much of their energy on. I don't want to be caught up in the competition. I don't want to be compared. I hate it so much. I am my own unique person, just as everyone else is. There is nothing to compare myself too, or rather there shouldn't be. I shouldn't be judged in comparison to someone else, I should be judged on my own abilities, my own attributes.

Today was hard. Much of it is the fact that I am just physically, mentally, and emotionally exhausted. I keep telling myself that this cycle I'm stuck in is going to change soon, but i know it's not. Not at least until I do something drastic.

Brianna, I'm sorry I didn't call you this weekend. First, I was just too tired. Which kills me because I don't have time to spend with anyone, especially when it would be nice to spend time with someone so removed from my reality. Second, I acidentally exited the convo that we were having and lost your number. Please send me an email, I'm sorry.

Now, I really can't tell if these tears I'm feeling coming on, that I've felt coming on for about the last six hours are because of exhaustion, stress, or if I'm not really over her yet. I was cool. I was good. But then we just act like everything is okay. I act like everything is okay when it's not. A lot of my anger toward her is gone, but not all of it. I think she knew today that my bad mood was more than me just being tired. Or maybe she didn't. I don't know what I want from her anymore. I'd like an apology. I'd like an acknowledgement that she hurt me. I'd like an acknowledgement that she still cares about me. I'd like an acknowledgement that what we had was special. But I'm not going to get that, so these tears are completely in vain. And it pisses me off that her boyfriend thinks that she's cheating on him with me. I don't know waht to tell him. I'd like to tell him to trust her, that nothing is going on between us, which nothing is. But I can't tell him to trust her when I don't.

I guess it's time to stop bellyaching. It's time for the confident me to reemerge and say to all "I have been brought back and redeemed." It sucks taht we all have times that we are vunerable. It also sucks that other people bring out the best and the worst feelings in us.

And by the way, Happy Valentine's Day.

1 Meaning | What is your life meant to be?

:: 2005 9 February :: 5.07 pm

Okay, so life isn't great. Yes it is, but at times like these it may seem that way.

All I can say is wow. I can't believe something like this would actually be said. I can understand where it comes from and why it comes and from who it comes, but I guess now I am speaking in riddles. I guess I should just come out and say it. I read what Jessie had to say about my sister and what she had to say about my family. You see, this is why you don't venture out. This is why you don't make yourself a social person. Both because you leave yourself out there for judgement, and you suffer the consequences of it. I prefer sitting here in my nice comfortable shell, getting to know few people deeper, than many shallowly. That way, the judgements that are to made about me in passing by people who may dislike me are not as hurtful. Mostly because they don't know me anyway, so why the hell should I care. let the truth shine out, instead of putting up this big elaborate scheme, shrouded by clothes and hair and popularity. I never needed that. All I needed was my brain, my mouth, and the good sense to know I was smarter than a lot of people in high school without actually having to prove it (although I did avail myself of the opportunity many times, only I know the extenet to which I did not).
I guess what I mean to say is that if I am a dick, I already know. If I treat some people like crap because their stupid, I already know that too. If I rationalize things that I do, things that aren't so necessarily perfect, I know I do that. And you know what, Michelle is the same way. She's the same way as me, it's just I've had my legs cut off at the knees more. I was never in Wind Ensemble until I earned it. I even was left in Concert Band when I thought I should have been in Wind Ensemble. I've failed my share of times. And I am stronger person for that. So go ahead and attack her. She's my sister, these things that are said I already know, because they're in me, and they're things I see everyday.
But do not, ever, attack my family. That is my root. That is the basis for my entire life. Not that we don't have problems, but don't wish them on us. I won't defend my sister because she needs to take the lumps, so long as it doesn't go too far. But don't come after my family, because I would gladly sacrifice my life for this great nation, and the only thing that I hold closer to my heart in this world is my family.

3 Meanings | What is your life meant to be?

:: 2005 3 February :: 12.58 pm

For some reason I can't seem to concentrate. Now that things are actually resolved I feel much better, but now there are so many things swirling around in my mind. It's like I'm at the top of the earth and I have to decide which direction to go in. Everything in my head is so expansize right now. It wants to understand all that is and all that was and all that is to be. I want to understand. I was told last night that I would never understand everything, so there is no point in trying. Yes, there is. There always is a point in trying to understand those things which you don't. Maybe this is all part of growing up, realizing that the things you don't understand vastly out weight the things that you do. I don't want it like that. I want to be able to understand the nature of the universe. I want to understand the nature of people. I want to understand the nature of sex. It's all just up there swirling around in this giant brew of compassion and bewilderment. Made of heart, love, wisdom, logic, politics, history, and complex things that all fit together to form this beautiful tapestry of understanding. That's why history is an art. You have to paint it. That is why politics is a science because you have to win at it. It's all aobut what life is, what we want life to be, and what life isn't. I need to make a few decisions in the next few days. Decisions that are going to have a big impact on my life right now and in the future. I wish, I really wish you could all be part of that, but you all have your own motives (I'm not talking to everyone reading this, but a few of you and also others who I know won't be reading this but that I cannot have them be a part of either) and could influence my decision. I have to make this one for myself, not because of anyone else.

What is your life meant to be?

:: 2005 2 February :: 11.40 am

Does anyone have anything substantive to say? All I've been getting from girls lately is "I love you" "That's so sad" and "it works both ways." You know, for someone as smart as me, I should be able to figure out how girls work. Of course, I can't figure out how social situations occur either so I'll just sit here and be the misfit of un-understanding. Or I could just be bepuzzled.

What is your life meant to be?

:: 2005 1 February :: 1.58 pm

Do you really want to see the extremist side of me?

I thinking of reliving my quest for the militia movement. Of course, no sane person who is considering this would be open about it. So, I have to say that I sympathize with their ideology.

I would have been very intrigued if Kerry had won the election. The reason for this is because the militia movement was quite strong during the Clinton years because they had an opponent to identify clearly. Well, with Bush in office they dorve hard to get their point across, but they knew the had their man. Then Sept. 11th hit and the goal of every good militia is to protect the homeland. That meant this rally to the president effect (granted, it's actually supposed to be rally around the flag attempt, but these militia guys are freakin' wrapped in the flag so tight it acts like a g-string on their butt) took full effect and everyone supported the prez. It was even more impressive to them that he actually stood up the UN because they have been in favor of the US withdrawing fro the UN for years. Anyway, I just wanted to study if it had a ressurgence while Kerry was in office. But I'll never get the chance and that is probably a good thing.

What is your life meant to be?