The meaning of life
"The secret of life is there ain't not secret,
"And you don't get your money back."
- Faith Hill's song "The Secret of Life"

Actually, my cousin's just left. Such a headache. But it provokes so much in me. How can they listen and not understand? How can they not embrace the deafening screams of silence? How can they be so ....... shallow?

My eldest cousin Katelyn, 13. Her step-dad (maybe that's the problem right there) made her just sit there and not talk. I sat right next to her and didn't say thing. When she did talk, it was about how bored she was. She couldn't think about anything except about what she could be doing right now. What she could play with or what she could do. I think that being able to sit and not think about anything at all is infinitely more valuable then being bored all the time. Another thing, she has so many lyrics in her head memorized, country lyrics. Now don't get me wrong, most of you know that I like country, but she takes it to such an extreme that I could easily hate it if I had to hear her talk incessantly all the time about it. But what I don't understand is that she has all the lyrics memorized, but yet she doesn't have an insight into what the song is about. It's to the point where her tastes are a cult of personality more than genuine appreciation of the depth in the words or the musicality accompanying them. I guess it's the way secular society works now. All about what kind of pleasurable noises I can listen to before my mind does away with them. How much can I consume. Those lyrics have been consumed, not appreciated. We all consume, but we must, in order to keep all of our humanity, all the qualities that make us human, learn to appreciate as well.

Other ideas: "The Banking Concpet of Education" Paulo Friere

Can this be all we are?
Can we become more than our parts?
Are we equivalent in all things?
If so, are you me?
If so, do you know me?
Worth? Knowledge?
Are we equivalent?
Ability? Creativity?
Are we the same?
Could you be me?
Could I be you?
Does life play the same mean tricks?
If so, why does it hurt?
If so, why are you better than me?
If so, why do I fear you?
Are we the same?
Prove it.

How did this happen?
Are you all having fun mocking my lame ass life. I'm tired as hell working in a fast food restaurant motivated by absolutely nothing. And still I think it's hilarious.

My life is so fragmented. People see so many different things to me. I go to school, absolutely no reference to who I am, they have no clue. They have no idea about any mistakes I've made in the past or and clue about my intelligence.
At work they don't know either. Well some do. Or maybe they don't. Why the hell would someone like me be wasting my time working in a fast food restaurant. Well intially I needed money. Now the check is nice but it's just fun to work there. Sometimes it's not but most of the time it is. It gives my mind something to chew on while being one of the variables in the equation at the same time.

And I do have to sit here and admit that I have girl troubles. I doubt I ever will be able to overcome some of those. But it's not a big deal.

Through all of this "others not knowing who I am. " I discover who I am. I gues you could say I'm slowly finding myself. But at teh same time I keep exceling where I always have, that is the common denominator. So guess I don't need to drink this weekend because I knwo who I am, and I'm not that person.

Ahhhh
Well I just got done changing my schedule. This means I don't have a big two and a half hour gap in the middle of my day for next semester and I don't have a bearish three hour polisci class either. I'm taking the exact same classes, just at different times. I just thought of something. Be right back.

Faith-based intiatives
The current administration wishes to broaden the scope of welfare services provided by the federal government by fatih-based organizations. These faith-based organizations are not just the stereotypical Christian Ministries, but also Jewish and Muslim welfare services as well. As with many other issues, the two conflicting arguements come from two different sides of the isle. In general Republicans support the idea. They believe that welfare services are best given by places that rehabitlitate as well as hand out goods. The idea is to remove government bureaucracy from the process so more money actually reaches the people. This is one way conservatives hope to achieve a "smaller government."

Almost all liberals dislike the expansion into faith-based services. They quote the sacred "separation of church and state." They claim that by giving funds to faith-based organizations that the government is endorsing a religious standard. Also, by giving money they have no way to account for how it is spent and what it is spent on.

A thrid position on this issue arises from the rules that government places on the institutions that it gives money to. A small part of the conservative ideology believes that this could be potential harmful to fatih-based organizations. By subject the organizations to government regulation, it interferes with their messsage, and could prohibit the teaching of the ideals that are supposed to be rehabilitory.

Wouldn't it be wierd?
Why? So you can sit me here,
Next to Britney Spears,
Christina Aguilera better switch me chairs,
So I can sit next to Carson Daly and Fred Durst,
And listen to them argue over who she gave a kiss to first.

Sure, that's the way it goes. We all know that.

Michelle's out in the celerium. Not my sister, the one from school. Role playing, great. Bob Larson's book "Spiritual Warfare," says that kind of stuff is devil worship. Not quite ready to believe that. I do think it can have several negative effects on the people who partake in it. Another form of escapism, but one for geeks I guess.

Who knows what the poem below is about? I don't so tell me. I know what it isn't about and I'll clue you in if you want to guess.

Valves froze on Saturday and they did again today. Tighe was so amazed that I could get mine working that he made me blow through his horn to get his unfroze as well. Like I tell everybody, I'm a warm person. That's why all the honies cuddle up to me when they get cold.

I've got a concert tomorrow and I've got to find a place to buy a black cumberbun.

Friday night made me realize how much I absolutely hat electric guitars. Their so loose and uncontrolled. Perhaps I just haven't played on one long enough that I can no longer get good tone out of them.

I'm really looking forward to all the free time I'll have next semester. Or as I could say, all the free time waiting to be taken up by softball.

My history professor canceled class this morning. I bet he didn't have our papers done.

To quote: "I wish I had a good girl to miss me."

I've been doing a lot of thinking about what I could do with my life. I guess I could do a lot of things. I even thought of maybe getting a CDL this summer so I can haul. I just want to do something unique. And since I don't really have much tying me down except school, I could do pretty much whatever I wanted. But I'm not a man of extreme action.

Always waiting for Him to speak to me. I wish I would. Maybe CPR tonight will have some answers for me.

The Lanthorn came out with there literary edition last week. I just read it today while I was waiting for my 10 o'clock to start. There was a good horror in there about a nuclear attack on campus. It kind of reminded me of Left Behind.

Played pool with Ken/Thunder/South, today (he goes by all those names). He beat me 3-2. Well, actually I beat myself because I was ahead in the first two games but I sunk the eight ball before I cleared the table.

I hope the roads coming home aren't too bad tonight.

I think my background and picture are getting dull. Should I change them? Let me know.

Any more random thoughts?

Weight
Weight, weight, weight. That's all anybody is talking about. "I might feel better about myself if I lost weight." "Everyone hates me because I'm too fat." "I need to lose weight to feel good about myself." "I may be anorexic."

Guess what? I don't buy into it. My insecurites about the opposite sex are not because I am ashamed of how I look. Honestly I could care less. Weight is not a big thing for me. When I become so overweight that I come to a point where it is a problem to my health, then it becomes a problem. I get regular exercise, granted I don't eat a blanced diet, but really what's the problem? The problem is that our society tells us that we should be ashamed if we are not normal. Well guess what, fat people are normal. Why do we let skinny people run our lives? I constantly joke about it in marching band. I consistently skip to my sets, everybody laughs. My response is "Haven't you ever seen a fat man skip before?" I am perfectly comfortable with who I am. In fact I think that losing weight would make me be a completely different person than I am right now. I think that I would have less confidence in myself. So when I feel the need to scale back, which I do, then I will. But my weight or your weight has nothing to do with how I see you or how I see myself.

Life
Well, I'm sitting here watching this amazingly beautiful girl play pool. Long curly hair, and just perfect. Knowing that it will never be attained. Kind of like Brenda was never attained. I thought she was exquisite too, but I just didn't have enough guts to tell her that. But somehow it's those girls that I am intimidated by. The girls who I don't think are my equal. However I have no problems with those who seem inferior to me. Intellectually at least. I mean it's a mean thing to say, but almost all of the girls that I have been close to be in a relationship with are or were intellectually inferior to me. Perhaps it's just that I don't feel intimidated by them. It's a bad statement on me at least.

So she leaves work just like she left work last Sunday. Didn't say good bye, didn't say anything. I don't know if it was because she thought that I didn't want to talk to her or what but... . Honestly I don't care anymore. I haven't been eating hardly at all, sleeping even less. I make it through today and I don't have to come back until Saturday. Which means I get to sleep. So now i have to go study for a psych exam that I am destined to fail.

Gdavorschzak never saw Marching Band. Especially one as good as us.
Yes, we kick ass. Two week show. Classical music. Armed Forces Medeley, Finale from The New World Symphony, and The 1812 Overture. Didn't think that would be a marching band show did ya? We nailed it. Learned the last pictures of it on Wednesday and absolutely nailed it Satuday night.

This week is going to be so fun. No band on Tuesday, nothing big due. No papers, no exams. Game on Saturday but, bah. I thought this weekend was going to be bad especially Friday and Saturday, but it wasn't bad at all. I think that I am getting used to it. And the girls sing "Downtown, where all the lights are, downtown, dee da da dut da."

Yeah, I took her out to breakfast yesterday. Now everybody at work is going to be talking about us again. I don't care I really don't. It's just given me that confidence again. I know what she said was true. And that's what it's been like before. Of course she hasn't seen me being too much of an ass yet because I'm always in a good mood when I'm working with her.

For those of you out there who are feeling lonely I can only tell you this: You are lonely because you made it that way. Just be confident about yourself. Be confident and if people don't accept you for who you are, find some other people. I'd like to think, for those of you still in high school, that I was able to float between groups and never get stuck predominately in one or the other. Take the cafeteria, chances are I could go up and talk with at least one person at every table there. Just be that person. BE LIKE ME I AM PERFECT. I wish.

A response to you, more than an update for myself.
I hate quizzes. They are really starting to piss me off. Not the one's you get in school, but the ones you can take on the internet. YOu know, the kind that make your friends page endless when your friends think that you need to know what their "element" is.

I'm happy to a certain extent how our political situation turned out. The only thing I fear now is a general budget plan by Granholm that will deprive people in West Michigan and take away from conservation efforts to fund more "socially acceptable" programs liek Affirmative Action. I doubt she will get much accomplished though, too much of a deadlock within the legislature.

Someone finally has their drivers license and I'm scared. I'm very scared.

She thought what I did for her was sweet *score*. I have a hard time believing that she didn't know I felt that way about her, but who knows. i just have to be careful because I don't want to get too far into the gray area and realize that we can't go back. All that will do is hurt people.