Marc Bolan!?

:: 2005 1 December :: 10.43pm

why can't i just get it into my head that this will never happen?.. maybe i am just another stupid girl

:: 2005 24 November :: 11.00am

I want a divorce.
my wife doesn't give a shit.

:: 2005 8 November :: 11.22pm

I read a couple entries back. feelings and feelings. it felt okay. I said how can I go on with life from now on.. but i did. I guess it is true. Life goes on. I woke up and i lived and made memories.. So obviously life went on. I just had french toast and it made me so content. oh frenchtoast. mmm, i am trying to lose 5 lbs to make this one pair of jeans fit the way i want. and for the endorphins. natural high. pot heads.. overrated let me tell you. Now that is a lesson I keep on learning.
I will my skin would stop being so bad.. it is a sign of the apocolypse.
I wish I could b e surrounded by love.. everyone used to love me.. now.. well yeah :(

:: 2005 7 September :: 12.33pm

why can't karl go here...I want to date karl. now now now now now now now.

:: 2005 8 August :: 2.03am

and suddenly I'm melting into you
Today in the car I told sara that I just know.
I am scared to admit it, but I know I am in love. Because even the little things I could imagine sharing with him make me feel comfort and happiness. I just think of us just walking through my neighborhood and I can not imagine anything better. Waking up and having cereal.. showing him the sculpture garden. All of which will hopefully be possible in january.
And my secret fear (and knowledge) is that he is not in love with me. I just know he does not think the same or feel the same.
And i have been trying and lying to myself to get over him. Periods of hatred and desperation. But my dreams never let me escape.
I am scared this will never work out. And then what of true love?

on a completely seperate note. One summer quickly replaces another. As is the passage of time. What is of our future? It is replaced by another, as well. All dreams and stories thrown into the sea and eventually destroyed or forgotten to make new fantasies, new maps.
And that leaves me feeling empty, if not jealous of what is new and fresh.

Why do i hurt people like i do.. i never mean to.

Dana is leaving soon and I can't deal.

2 assumptions | assume

:: 2005 24 July :: 2.28pm

Why am I so fucking fat?!?!?!?!?1

:: 2005 13 July :: 3.54am

wow....<333klhfghkgfhjfghk;jgfdh ahhhhhhdgkfjd

:: 2005 14 June :: 4.00pm

expect a miracle
"because i have been obsessing over you for over a year"
what?

:: 2005 3 June :: 9.23pm

they went to see our movie without me. i would be lying if i said i wasn't upset. i mean I wassss in orlando until just 20 minutes ago. cool.

:: 2005 30 May :: 12.57am
:: Music: emmylou<3

But even cowgirls get the blues
next time jeph tells me he is a sprinkle.. enjoyable only for a short while until you get sick of him and want to get on to the ice cream, I think i will tell him that he is not a sprinkle at all. No, he is the cookie dough.. the kind you want in every single spoonful of ice cream for the rest of your life.
I just need to see him in june to get me through the rest of the summer.

:: 2005 29 May :: 6.15pm
:: Mood: awake

You know those people that act like you don't exist or matter? yeah, those people. They get to me every time. (and i saw two today)

:: 2005 18 May :: 2.30pm

my clothes are soaking wet from your brother's tears
I guess Sara had been right all along to make this friends only.. i just wanted to share my inner thoughts with a few select people. I guess that's not possible without some sort of "drama". I guess Sara can only know the real me. I just want to say things without someone judging me. I think this is right.. i know who i can let in now. (and no this is not about karl exclusively)

One false move, baby, suddenly everything's ruined.

oh and i am sorry for being semi rude to you last night.. i would never want to hurt you ever. (to karl)

:: 2005 16 May :: 3.11pm
:: Music: cursive- the game of who needs who the worst

so let me slip away
Maybe I'm not like most high schoolers (soon to not be, better yet just teenagers) because i like to stay home and do absolutely nothing. I almost find it an essential to going on with my life. I sit, I eat, I read, I dream. Soon i will call sara... i am in the mood for some swinging and some illegal activity. the usual. Damn. I hate that i will get addicted to this smoking business. not cigarettes.. but what's the difference anyway. goodbye health, lungs. whatever. I cut myself cutting a bagel today. I can see the blood through the band aid. I don't like being lied to or prepared, like softened up. I can handle the truth. [a secret, but you couldn't keep it so secret. relations without hesitation or social tact- cursive] I think it is funny, you know, those days when it seems that everyone calls you and you can't get any peace and then there are those days it seems you have no friends. It is all so funny. I am comforted in my discontent with the thought that in about a month I will get to see jeph and that it will be very much fun. I don't know if i will ever kiss karl.. it is something i have been toying with. And it is not because i am leading him on, i just haven't figured out what is best for my sanity. It seems as though my life is not mine. My decisions are decided by a general assembly. Either way i always seek rebellion against the general will. It would be best for me not to... but boring. Again i don't like being lied to. The songs playing keep reminding me of that. Taking back sunday, brand new. get it? Okay fine. my feelings don't have to be censored-- this is my fucking journal. I love how i get to look back on my prom night--yeah my date hooked up with my best friend while i comfortably slept on the floor above. My perceptions of things/people have changed and I'm okay with that. Of course i found out. another night tainted. And then there is sara, she didn't come when i needed her. I am always supposed to count on her and she left me. Maybe this is why i enjoy being alone. oh and i love the death comments i will get towards this entry. Let me address a few things. only after i saw tim all chummy with said allison schaeffer did i enjoy the company of the person karl seltzer. And i hope i get someone yelling at me for caring. i hope that someone tries to turn all my thoughts against me. That is almost why i am writing them all in here so that my thoughts are documented. mmm torn by natalie imbruglia. <3 I am almost glad i am leaving this place where everything and everyone is made out to be something that it is not so that everyone can leave and live happily ever after. Jeph showed me the illusion once. I am going where it is too cold to lie. Damn it i can't even decide what to do with my hair. I can't wait until jeph and i can start our band. i'm done with this.

:: 2005 2 May :: 5.57am
:: Mood: anxious

you haven't felt much like laughing lately anyway
I stay up all night thinking about all the choices i have made or am yet to make. It all keeps crashing into me. Am i making the right college choice?! No matter, i made my deposit. but yet, yet.. it does matter. I know that Bard isn't right for me, not good enough, this and that, but will i be happier at Wesleyan? I continually make the wrong choices, with school, with guys. I am scared this is another one of those blunders. If i pick what i think is best for me i might end up unhappy, but if i pick the underdog i will end up screwed over. I always fuck up trying to decide what is best for me. Either way, each school has a bit of romanticism and bold intrigue involved. And maybe Bard is just a comfort zone. I still feel like a spurned lover. It hurts me to think about it. I keep trying to say Bard is the Panjo to my existance. Panjo made me happy once. I knew he was wrong for me but i ended up giving him a chance and he left me alone. I hate finding all these connections and metaphors. It only makes me more stressed that the metaphor will end up in Bard's favor. I want to know i am making the right choice. I get so stressed sometimes i can't breath. And karl thinks he is the problem. No, he is only part of it. And sara has never felt stress in her life minus a few days. It pervades my BEING. My thoughts, just like atoms, are in constant motion. I have stomach problems, i shake, i have mild insomnia, because of all of this anxiety. I'm always anxious, even when i am supposedly calm i am still anxious for it all to end. Like on the cruise, i couldn't stop thinking about when i would have to come back home to the real world. I hate the real world and in this way i wish i was Sara. I want to live in a bubble, but i can't.

:: 2005 28 March :: 7.21pm
:: Music: 9 days-if i am

the answers we find are never what we had in mind so we make it up as we go along
I don't like sharing my stories.. it gives them less value to have them be picked apart by people who have no idea what really happened. I have real feelings about these events, intense thoughts.. not to be tossed aside or laughed at. Whatever i did.. i meant to do. I'm not a spontaneous person.. as much as i wish that i was. I sit and mull over things.. decisions that could possibly affect the rest of my life. I learned i need to change that. I made friends i will never see or talk to again. It is all so out of reach. I met someone who made me think, and got me so mad i couldn't even breath. Most people can't get any reaction out of me. I can't believe this all ended yesterday.. it seems so far removed from me. I want to be back there. I have to learn to deal with these feelings of missing people. I know i won't see them.. i just wish i could. I long to be desired. I long for feelings of excitment and chaos. I long to be completely relaxed having complex chats with my best friend (who i miss dearly). I long to be around more spanish people. Weird i know. Fuck the culture clash.. i love learning new things. I have so much homework tonight and i just don't care. blah. annnddd i need to write my research paper tomorrow. so lame.
i need tim to help me fix my math test tomorrow during newspaper ;)...
okay that was an aside i needed to write before i forgot.
Let's discuss this topic of feelings. it is a cultural thing. I don't ever say how i feel, unless it is more or less forced out of me. My mexican friends said whatever they felt, whenever they felt it. It almost seems like a better lifestyle.. minus the fickleness of said feelings.
I can't believe i will never see him again. damn it. i said i wouldn't get attached to anyone.. and here i am.. doing that. He figured me out, he challenged me, he told me straight out that i need to learn who i am.
As travis told me.. never regret anything just use it to make the next situation work to your advantage. I'll miss him too.. i had swell chats with him about religion and sports and being alive. And he lives 20 minutes from meee!.. unlike people who live in boston or mexico. I will hate to think of the possibility of him being 45 minutes from me at any moment.
right now i am listening to R & B .. yeah this is me being weird. Have i ever admitted my love for it.. yes i love R&B .. !
My soul has been revived.. it is struggling in my skin. It must wait a couple of months to be free. It can't just sit around and complacently watch what is happening.. but it will. But for a moment of time it woke up.. as it did during the summer. It knows what it wants. I am trying so hard to make the best of all situations.. i will try for sara.