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2004 17 November :: 1.32pm
You've been the only thing that's right
In all I've done
And I can barely look at you
But every single time I do
I know we'll make it anywhere
Anyway from here
Light up, light up
As if you have a choice
Even if you cannot hear my voice
I'll be right beside you dear
<3 you.
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2004 16 November :: 9.28pm
:: Mood: relieved
:: Music: green day - boulevard of broken dreams
so yesterday i went to my babe's house. my sisters went to, 'cause my mom doesn't trust me anymore.. haha. anyways, we watched some movies, and just hung out.. my mom like flipped out when she found out jim came to pick us up; i thought i wouldn't be allowed to go over there again, but she didn't say anything today. anyways, we all got home around 9:00. i had a good time, it definitly lifted my spirts to be allowed to go over there.
earlier yesterday [at 9:45 am] i had an apointment with WIC. i got some checks for formula for gabrielle. they weighed her.. she weighs 13 pounds and 7 1/2 ounces! holy crap! she is 23 inches long.. she grew an inch since she was born. i can't believe how big she is getting.
jim and i's 2 year anniversary is on the 29th. <3
oh, i don't go back to school until december 6th.. and i weigh 145. [i lost 3 pounds in 2 days?? i got weighed at my doctors apt. on the 15th and i got weighed again yesterday] hmmm.. i don't look any thiner.. i actually look like a whale. haha.
yeah.. i'm feeling a lot better than i was yesterday. i was so worried about my mom not letting me see jim again. i have a lot of mood swings anymore. haha, can you say bipolar?
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2004 15 November :: 10.43pm
:: Mood: stressed
:: Music: gwen stepthani - what are you waiting for
i'm not okay.. i promise.
quizes..
Read more..
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2004 15 November :: 9.39pm
:: Mood: upset
You turn off the tv
And you scream at me
I can hardly wait
til you get off my case
No matter how hard I try
You're never satisfied
This is not a home
I think I'm better off alone
You always disappear
Even when you're here
This is not my home
I think I'm better off alone
Home, this house is not a home
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2004 15 November :: 4.19pm
:: Mood: happy
soooo.. jim's here. :-D yes, i'm happy. yes, i'm excited. yes, my mom is letting me see him. no, i don't know why.
i'm going over his house for a few hours.. i'll update when i get back! be happy for me!
<3
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2004 14 November :: 9.36pm
:: Mood: lonely
*sigh*
lets xx hug (9:32:53 PM): i miss you
pouncer was here (9:33:52 PM): i miss you too baby
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2004 14 November :: 3.23pm
:: Mood: helpless
whatever, i feel so helpless. i hate being caught in the middle. i can't do anything without hurting one or the other. i wish things would just be how they used to be.
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2004 11 November :: 10.52pm
:: Mood: sad
And now for my bad day.
I woke up around 8:00.. started my report for child 2, around 10:00 i quit; i'm half done with it. Jim stopped by to give me a paper for my mom, he only stayed for a moment.. he had to go home. Around noon Alisha came over from Christan Charities and gave me some diapers and formula.. after she left I finished getting ready to go to my doctors apointment and to Wal*Mart.
Kelly went with my mom, Sam, Gab and I. We got to the doctors around 1:10.. my apointment was for 1:15. I'm doing good.. healing fine. He said I have a 'tilted uterius'. which isn't bad, it's just that my uterius is tilted up a little instead of laying flatter like most women.. I'm now on birth control..
After that, we went to Wal*Mart. Kelly and I got some really cute clothes and we got out hair cut.. we both look so cute if I do say so myself. huh kelly?! (:
..i have to pee
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2004 10 November :: 11.50pm
:: Mood: depressed
Ask me 6 questions.
Any 6 - no matter how personal, private, or random. I have to answer them honestly.
In turn, you have to post this message in your own journal // OR // you have to answer the questions that are asked to you.
Ask away, even if you don't have a journal.. leave an anonymous note.
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2004 10 November :: 1.14am
:: Mood: crying
i hate when my mom comes in my room like she did a little bit ago and starts telling me that everythings my fault, and that she's in so much debt because i made the mistake of getting pregnant. my "asshole boyfriend" isn't helping with anything.. and that she lost everything [meaning george] because of me the baby and my "asshole boyfriend". and how my dad would be so dissapointed in me, and her because i got pregnant. i don't understand anymore, i just don't understand anything.. i cut my arm; and you know what? i don't even give a fuck anymore.. i don't fuckin' care who knows, or what the fuck anyone says. fuck them, fuck everything.
i'm leaving, i'm not going to ruin everyones life just because i made one mistake.
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2004 9 November :: 11.34pm
:: Mood: upset
what the hell is wrong with me anymore?
i'm sitting here checking my e-mail.. i just started crying after i read an article on breastfeeding babies. "it's so good for them" "it's a bonding experience" "babies grow up healthier" "babies are less likely to be obese when they grow older" okay.. what the hell? i feel so guilty for not breastfeeding, it's my fault if gabrielle isn't going to be healthy when she grows up.
anymore if gabrielle cries, i cry with her. i feel like i'm doing everything wrong. no ones here to help; i'm doing everything on my own, plus i have to take care of the house, school work, my sisters, myself.. and i don't even have a job.. so i have to get my mom to buy everything for me. it's all to much for me anymore, i'm getting so over whelmed, and i feel so guilty for having to ask my mom for everything.
the other night gabrielle was crying and crying because she had a stomache ache, i sat there and said to myself i wish she would shut the hell up. then i realized what i said and freakin cried for like an hour after i got her to bed.
what's wrong with me anymore? i wish someone understood.
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2004 9 November :: 1.40pm
:: Mood: depressed
..i just feel like crying
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2004 8 November :: 3.04pm
:: Mood: amused
:: Music: the house of mouse on tv.
please vote!
i re-did my journal again.. VOTE!!! tell the truth, there's no way i know who voted!
Read more..
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2004 6 November :: 10.04pm
:: Mood: okay
:: Music: Law and Order SVU
so bored.
Yesterday Jim came over.. he stayed for a few hours.. we watched The Day After Tomorrow or something like that. He left around.. uhhh- 3:30 am or so. I don't really remember. Today was boring- I didn't do anything.. so here are some quizes. I'm very bored anymore. Nothing good to write about.
Read more..
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2004 5 November :: 12.19pm
funny convos.. more will be added all the time.. i need somewhere to keeep them, 'cause they make me laugh.
Read more..
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2004 5 November :: 12.38am
:: Mood: tired.. but i can't sleep
I AM 59% ASSHOLE/BITCH! I am abrasive, some people really hate me, but there may be a group of other tight knit assholes and bitches that I can hang out with and get me. Everybody else? Fuck ‘em. |
yay.. everyone take this test, and leave a note with your results! yayyyyyyy.. wow, i'm bored.
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2004 4 November :: 7.13pm
:: Mood: content
:: Music: ciara feat. petey pablo - goodies
blah blah blah.. i've been thinking. what makes jim stay with me? i mean really..
i'm a bitch to him all the time, so is my mom. the other night i yelled at him for something so stupid.. okay? still he's nice to me and everything. i mean why would he want to be with me.. i have a baby. we'll it's his baby to, but he can leave any time he wants. i told him that.. we've definitly been through our rough times and i've "broken up" with him plenty of times.. but none of it ever lasted. he would always call back or come over and we'd make up. i don't know; maybe he really does love me.
<3
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2004 3 November :: 9.45pm
:: Mood: creative
so i just got done updating my profile.. want to see? click here.
yesterday was the free prime rib dinner at the bar.. jim and his mom came, they ate with kelly and i.. donna went to get jeff then he came back to the bar and he ate some wings, then she took gabrielle and i home around 11.
tomorrow i'm gonna try to go over jims.. but i don't know, it depends on if my mom stays home the whole day or not. *sigh*
bush won.. woohu.
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2004 2 November :: 11.19pm
All I have to say is..
GO BUSH! Kick Kerrys ass!!!
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2004 31 October :: 7.40am
:: Mood: cranky
just some random facts
i'm tired, cranky, ect.
yesterday we [me and gab] went to the parade in bentlyville.
it was nice.
it was her first parade, she got her first piece of candy. some guy handed it to me.
jim was supposed to come, but couldn't get a ride.
both of his cars are broken.
*shakes head*, *sighs*
people are sluts.
i've been pissed off since friday. *cough* mom *cough*
it was my weekend off with the girls, and i didn't do shit except stay home.
kelly and i made cookies last night.
i was thinking that maybe i change things with my life/ect. so often because i'm insecure.
am i insecure? that's the question of the decade.
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2004 31 October :: 12.50am
:: Mood: annoyed
I love you.
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2004 29 October :: 5.12pm
ATTENTION!
Tw1st3dxDr3ams (5:12:23 PM): i thought a month would be from Oct 1st to Nov 1st.
yes becky.. you are right. i don't know wtf i was thinking. thank you for setting me straight!
gabrielle isn't a month old yet.
haha.. i'm stupid.
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2004 28 October :: 11.49pm
:: Mood: shocked
i can't believe gabrielle is 1 month old today.
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2004 28 October :: 12.39am
:: Mood: stressed
RULES: Write a statement intended for 14 different people. NEVER TELL which one is for who.
1. I HATE YOU.
2. I love you.
3. I wish you would just let me do what I want.
4. Stay out of my life!
5. I hope your gram gets better.
6. Just because I don't call you, doesn't mean you can't call me.
7. Thanks for all your support.
8. Things have changed.
9. I hate you for what you did to me.
10. I can't believe I ever liked you.. you're scum!
11. I love you so much more that I ever thought I would.
12. You're such a bitch sometimes.. I hate how you treat your kids.
13. Stay home more often, they need a mother.. not a sister pretending to be their mother.
14. I don't like you. And I really can't believe you thought he liked you.. lol.
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2004 25 October :: 10.10pm
:: Mood: happy
mrs. baker came today for homeschooling.
blah.
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2004 24 October :: 11.10pm
:: Mood: stressed
:: Music: wheat - i met a girl
friday jim and his mom took gabrielle for a couple hours.. i had to stay home and watch my sisters- and then i got in trouble because my mom told me that she wasn't allowed to go with them.. so we got into a big fight over that.
saturday morning at 2:42 am, gabrielles umbilical cord fell off.. she's growing up so quick!!
then around noon, donna [jims mom] came to pick me up and we went to see her boss, jims sister shelly, went to the mall and out to eat- then i came back here around 7:00 and went to work. my aunt loraine watched the baby. around 11:00 that night jim and his mom came to pick me up at the bar and took me home to get gabrielle then we went back to his house and stayed the night
today [sunday] jim and i woke up around 2:00, we ate jims sister shelly came over, then after she left his gram and cousin rachel came over for a little bit.. then we ate, sat around for an hour or so; then went out to see jims other sister kim and his dad. i got home around 9:30 i think.
it was a great weekend. (:
<3
p.s. kathy- if you're reading this.. i left the address to that handwritting anaylsis after the last note you left me in that entry. just in case you didn't know!
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2004 21 October :: 11.12pm
:: Mood: infuriated
:: Music: juvinille - slow motion
i dont know..
why does everything have to be so difficult?
hmmmmm, i wanted to go over jims house this weekend so i asked my mom and she basicly said no. so we got into a fight about how i always have to watch my sisters. i haven't talked to her since last night. i locked my bedroom door so no one could get in.
blah blah blah. it all just goes in through one ear, and right out the other.
<3
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2004 20 October :: 7.40am
:: Mood: blah
:: Music: our lady peace - clumsy
"you will be safe with meeee.."
i love that song.
anyways, yesterday i went to this thing in upper st. clair. it's called People to People Student Ambassadors.. a group of kids get to go to another county for 20 days over the summer.. my mom and george think this is a great oppertunity for me, and that i should apply for a position to go. i don't know if i want to leave gabrielle.. 20 days is a long time. :( i guess you had to be nominated by a teacher/adult to get a letter from this program.. i wonder who nominated me? it's bugging me..
gabrielle kept me up til 2:00 last night, i think she's sick, or getting sick- but i hope not.. she woke up at 6:00, i fed her a bottle and she went right back to sleep. but i stayed up.. i'm not quite sure why. i'm going to be very tired later.. i'll probably take a nap or something, i don't know.
i guess my mom is staying home the whole day today.. she might actually make.. dinner!!!
..whoa, what's.. DINNER???
we usually eat a bowl of ceral or some toast.
ya know, breastfeeding is a lot harder than it sounds. i tried to breastfeed, but.. i don't know, i guess it's wierd to have to go to a different room just to feed gabrielle. i don't like that.. it's not the fact that it hurts a little bit, it's just that i don't like feeling that i'm making everyone feel wierd when i do it in the room. i don't know, it's hard to explain.. i don't really know what even made me think of it.
*sighs* i'm so weird sometimes.
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2004 20 October :: 1.29am
:: Mood: tired
my handwritting analysis.
Here is your analysis.
Jena exaggerates about everything that has a physical nature. Although she may not intend to deceive or mislead, she blows things way out of proportion because that is the way she views them. She will be a good story teller. This exaggeration relates to all areas of her material world. Jena allows many people into her life because she is accepting and trusting. She is sometimes called gullible by her friends. That only really means that she trusts too many people. Jena has a vivid imagination.
Jena has a healthy imagination and displays a fair amount of trust. She lets new people into her circle of friends. She uses her imagination to understand new ideas, things, and people.
Something is incomplete in Jena's life. She feels frustration relating to her physical needs and desires. Somewhere in her life there is some disappointment, non-fulfillment, and interruption. This is very likely to relate to Jena's sexual needs.
One way Jena punishes herself is self directed sarcasm. She is a very sarcastic person. Often this sarcasm and "sharp tongued" behavior is directed at herself.
Jena is a practical person whose goals are planned, practical, and down to earth. This is typical of people with normal healthy self-esteem. She needs to visualize the end of a project before she starts. she finds joy in anticipation and planning. Notice that I said she plans everything she is going to do, that doesn't necessarily mean things go as planned. Jena basically feels good about herself. She has a positive self-esteem which contributes to her success. She feels she has the ability to achieve anything she sets her mind to. However, she sets her goals using practicality-- not too "out of reach." She has enough self-confidence to leave a bad situation, yet, she will not take great risks, as they relate to her goals. A good esteem is one key to a happy life. Although there is room for improvement in the confidence catagery, her self-perception is better than average.
In reference to Jena's mental abilities, she has a very investigating and creating mind. She investigates projects rapidly because she is curious about many things. She gets involved in many projects that seem good at the beginning, but she soon must slow down and look at all the angles. She probably gets too many things going at once. When Jena slows down, then she becomes more creative than before. Since it takes time to be creative, she must slow down to do it. She then decides what projects she has time to finish. Thus she finishes at a slower pace than when she started the project. She has the best of two kinds of minds. One is the quick investigating mind. The other is the creative mind. Her mind thinks quick and rapidly in the investigative mode. She can learn quicker, investigate more, and think faster. Jena can then switch into her low gear. When she is in the slower mode, she can be creative, remember longer and stack facts in a logical manner. She is more logical this way and can climb mental mountains with a much better grip.
Jena is not facing something going on in her life today. She is deceiving herself about it. Often, Jena's opinion of herself is different than those around her. This trait gives Jena the ability to deny anything that does not agree with her "truth." This trait is not always something negative. It is only a defense mechanism allowing Jena not to face some reality in her life at this time.
Jena is moderately outgoing. Her emotions are stirred by sympathy and heart rendering stories. In fact, she can be kind, friendly, affectionate and considerate of others. She has the ability to put herself into the other person's shoes. Jena will be somewhat moody, with lows and highs. Sometimes she will be happy, the next day she might be sad. She has the unique ability to get along equally well with what psychology calls introverts and extroverts. This is because she is in between. Psychology calls Jena an ambivert. She understands the needs of both types. Although they get along, she will not tolerate anyone that is too "far out." She doesn't sway too far one way or the other. When convincing her to buy a product or an idea, a heart rendering story could mean a great deal to her. She puts herself in the same situation as the person in the story, yet she will not buy anything that seems overly impractical or illogical. Jena is an expressive person. She outwardly shows her emotions. She may even show traces of tears when hearing a sad story. Jena is a "middle-of-the-roader," politically as well as logically. She weighs both sides of an issue, sits on the fence, and then will decide when she finally has to. She basically doesn't relate to any far out ideas and usually won't go to the extreme on any issue.
People that write very large tend to be very social and friendly. It seems Jena has this type of writing. This indicates a need for people and a particular natural ability to socialize and be the life of the party. Now, if Jena also has specific fears (like fear of criticism or fear of trust) then she will deny she is the life of the party, because fear has overcome her natural inclination to be social. People with large handwriting tend to be effective at anything that requires interaction with lots of people. she is a people person.
According to the inputted data, Jena has a stinger shape inside the oval of her a, d, or c. This might be hard to visualize, but if this little hooklike shape is present, then Jena has an unresolved "issue" with strong members of the opposite gender. An occasional appearance of this stroke could indicate a simple "loves a mental challenge" which can manifest in playful linguistic conversations and being attracted to a lover who isn't always available. However, if the stroke is severe, this means the individual has unresolved anger at the oppostive gender - which usually started with the person's childhood relationship with the opposite gender parent (Mom or Dad.) If the writer is a woman she will be attracted to strong challenging men. If the writer is a man, he will find the girl who is "hard to get" most attractive. In a nutshell, people with stingers in their writing tend to have challenges in their romantic relationships. For more information about this "stinger" trait, visit this webpage: http://www.myhandwriting.com/analyze/hlltrt5.html. Remember, it is only negative if the traits occurs often and is quite pronounced. An occasional stinger can be no problem.
hmmm.. that's all very true.
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