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2004 26 April :: 8.36pm
:: Mood: lonely
:: Music: evanescence - anybodys fool
i wish this never happened. it's going to ruin everything. it's already basicly ruined jim and i.. if i could have only one wish in my whole entire life, it'd be for it to just go away.. just go away. i want things the way they were before it happened!
jim's never around anymore, i don't have any friends because i don't talk to any. i need to tell someone; but i don't trust anyone anymore.. all my "friends" do is gossip. thats why i basicly stopped talking to everyone.. or if i do talk to them i don't tell them anything.
i hate this.
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2004 24 April :: 10.14pm
:: Mood: sad
:: Music: incubus - stellar
i'm just sitting here, turned on the radio and incubus is on. what luck i have.
..no i'm not lucky.
my life is going to shit.
friends, boyfriends, family. 3 important things;; or are they?
life has to many complications to it.. all we're supposed to do is live and die. so why do we have to get pregnant and make more mindless conforming people?
i'm sitting here in the dark with a bunch of candles lit. just like the last time jim was here.. i guess i really don't understand him anymore. i don't even know what's going on between us. i have to practicly black mail him to get him to stay over here. is it me? i think just being around me makes him sick anymore. ever since a few months ago. i know what the reason is. i know. but he keeps telling me that it's not the reason.. i don't know. all i know is that he can't keep doing the stuff he's doing.. i keep beating myself up over it; i blame myself because i think it's my fault. i probably is my fault anyways.
can you be so sad, and so happy at the same time? i guess you can;; because i am. i thought i was over that being sad shit.. but i guess when you make the biggest mistake in your whole life with someone who you thought loved you more than everything in the whole world.. being sad just comes easy. it comes easy..
i just remembered why i hate being in the dark..
my mom took me shopping today.. we went to gadzooks, hot topic, bon ton and dots. i got 2 pair of jeans, 1 pair of capris, and a bunch of shirts.. it made my mom happy that she was buying me things, cause she actually had money to spend.. she's under a lot of stress lately with the bar and everything. i've been working a lot more lately. i like it; gets my out of the house.. away from thinking about things. it's good for me i guess.
..i keep finding myself staring off into the candle on my desk.
friday i went shopping with my mom & george for things for the bar and everything. saturday i got up, went to the social hall in bentlyville for the making of the SADD video.. went to work right after that [@ 11] and then at 4:30 my mom and i went shopping. after that around 6:30- we went back to the bar so i could change and get freshened up. we left around 7:30 and my mom & george took me to hannah's birthday party. i got there at 8, stayed till 8:30, went home and now here i am.. without jim.
right now i have to go up and say bye to my aunt loraine.. she's leaving for the weekend; going to the amish country.. i haven't even talked to her in at least a week. i've been ignoring my friends, as well as my family. which is a lot more important to me then friends.. i have to start getting my priorities straight.
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2004 22 April :: 10.05am
:: Mood: bitchy
i guess now movies are more important than me, wtf. that's fuckin' pathetic.
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2004 21 April :: 10.31am
:: Mood: blank
haven't writen in almost a month. a lot of things have been going on- my internet being down for one. but my mom said she's calling today to fix it.. we'll see if she forgets.
i hate when people lie. especially when the lie involves me.
i hate when i eat all the time.
i hate it that i'm getting fat.........
i hate always having to watch my little sisters because i'm the only one ever home.
i hate getting up in the morning.
i hate when jim disappoints me.
..and when he never comes over.
..and when he lies.
..and when he doesn't keep his promises.
..and when he does something that makes me feel like shit or hurts me and it seems not to phase him or he turns it against me and acts like it's my fault.
i hate that my life revolves around jim, and his doesn't seem to revolve around me.
hmmmm, i started out only going to say something about people lying, and then i got a little carried away..
i still haven't paid the $2.. i have the money, i just haven't sent it yet. ahhh.. i have to send it soon, or my journal will be deleted.
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2004 9 April :: 12.07am
:: Mood: cranky
jim came over today, he went home around 7 to clean out his dresser for his mom- and he promised to try really hard to come back tonight, but no way.. jim keep his promises?
..so me always seeming to have so much time on my hands;; i cleaned my room. with the help of sam/anna. they did a lot to. i was glad for the help. but anyways, i'm still not completly done. i have to dust/clean off the top of my computer desk where my stereo is.. and sweep. it needs swept badly.
easter is sunday, i can't wait for my easter basket! =) haha.
have to go back to school on tuesday, spring break is over. eh, it sounds horrible to even mention it..
anyway, i'm gonna go back to finish reading my english book.
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2004 7 April :: 10.07pm
:: Mood: distressed
things are.. wierd lately.. i can't tell if i'm having a good day;; a bad day..? umm..
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2004 5 April :: 4.40pm
:: Mood: calm
i was in 7th period, when i really started thinking about all these things that i wanted to talk to jim about, and i figured i might as well just write them down because i would forget what i was thinking about. well, by the end of 8th period i had a 3 page letter to give him. it basicly has what i'm feeling in it, and i'm glad i wrote it all down.. but i don't know if i'm going to give it to him or not. i'll read it over and make sure it doesn't sound to stupid.. but yeah- i think i will give it to him..
got report cards today.
english- 91%
global studies- 76%
history- 57%
science- 79%
algebra- 86%
advanced word processing- 93%
child development- 97%
health- 83%
i brought most of my grades up, 3 went down, but only by a little bit. i did really good except for the history grade, but my mom knows about it already.
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2004 4 April :: 2.41pm
i want to be his girlfriend! <33
and tina if you say "awww' you're dead.
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2004 28 March :: 9.16pm
:: Mood: coughing and feeling blah
sitting at home, really tired.. i did a lot more than i expected to do today.
my aunt loraine called around 9:20 to see if i wanted to go with her and my gram to a little fashion show in the mall, and at first i really didn't want to go, but i got up and got ready. we left at 10:45, went to exchange a couple things, went to wal*mart, fashion bug [i got a pair of lounging pants, and 2 long sleeved shirts] then we headed off to the little show. we left around 3, then went to sams club to get big lipton tea bags for my uncle, and some chicken for dinner. we all came home, unloaded our bags and my aunt made some of her gooood spaghitti [sp?] and the chicken we bought.. then we all just lounged around and talked. i went out and sat on the porch for a little while, then everyone came out- it was such a nice day today. i guess jim is supposed to come over sometime tonight.. pssh, he pisses me off so bad. i called him around 7:00 and told him that my aunt and i could come pick him up later because she had to take dia home and he lives right down the street from her.. but nooooo- he had to wait til his mom came home. wtf? he has more excuses than people do assholes.
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2004 27 March :: 3.57pm
:: Mood: bored
i didn't go to school friday.. first of all we all slept in, and i was coughing/had a fever- so my mom just told me to stay home. i got up around 8:00, then got dressed dropped nichole & i's algebra project off at school, then went to the bar. it's almost done being decorated.. the BAR part is awesome, all decorated and everything, but they're still working on the pool room/dining room part. it's coming together great. can't wait to get pictures of it, i'll post them on here. [that'll probably be around the 14th/15th of april.. thats when the "Grand Opening" is!]
jim stayed last night. for the first time in about a week! grrr. he went home again today. him & his mom are switching rooms for some reason. i don't know- stupid if you ask me. but whatever.
well, it's time to go.
xx.jena
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2004 23 March :: 5.09pm
:: Mood: cranky
its funny how your enemies always seem to turn out to be all your best friends; best friends.
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2004 22 March :: 10.39am
:: Mood: tired
i'm in school.
lets see..
my mom bought a bar.
i accidently deleted my internet explorer. so now i can't go on any sites at home.. until i talk to jim and see what he can do. i hope he can fix it.
i have a 90% in english (woohu! thats great!) i brought my health grade up from a 56%, to an 82% (thats even better!) oh yeah. i'm very proud of myself.
i had a bad weekend. :(
i want to eat. my mom gave me $27 for lunch and things. :)
thats all i have to tell.
xx.jena
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2004 15 March :: 11.05am
:: Mood: i have a headache
i forgot to tell everyone that jim, his mom & i saw an oscar meyer weiner truck saturday on the way to the hospital!
but anyways, last night jim & i went to my house around 9. we went to sleep at 10-10:30. woke up at 5:50, jim woke up at 6:30. he went to work, i came to school. and here i am now. blah.
our history project didn't get done. miscommunication i guess you could say. but i don't know. i was actually trying in my f-in classes- and now i got a 0/60. hip-hip-horray.
thanks a lot.
anyways in good news, i'm getting my permit soon.. i guess. jim doesn't really want me to get it, and i'm really not in any hurry to get it. my mom wants me to for some reason. but whatever. i'll get it if she wants me to.
i just printed out some pictures for rochelle of a sponge, flatworm, & a jellyfish.
i have to go, periods almost over.
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2004 14 March :: 1.17pm
:: Mood: silly
last night jim and i went with his mom. first we went to the permit place for jim, and he needs to get his contacts.. he can't see outta his right eye!
after that we went to fridays to eat, [jim payed for us!] i got chicken alfredo and cheese n' broccolli soup. it was good. jim got a swiss mushroom burger and i don't really know what jim's mom got. some sorta chicken & potatoes. after that we went to target- jim got a game for the computer and some lime tic-tacs for me. his mom got some things to. after that we went to the hobby shop in robinson- jim bought me Smart Mouth. [it's so fun!] and he got a little modle car thingy. i dunno what exactly it is. it's cute though. :) we finially made it to the hospital by 7:00 to see jims brother freddy. he's doing good.
we got home around 12. i actually got to stay at jims house! woohu! so i called my mom and she said it was okay. we all woke up around 9:00, and jim made some breakfast around 11. jims mom left for work around 11:30-12:00? and now we're just waiting for her to go to the mall to get jims contacts, then i don't know if i'm going with them again to see freddy, or if she'll just drop me off at home.
thats all. -yawn-
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2004 7 March :: 5.29pm
:: Mood: pissed off
what was supposed to happen this weekend:
friday- i was supposed to go over amys to do our history project.
what actually happened this weekend:
friday- amy went to her grams. so jim and i stayed at my house again.
saturday- i went to jims house to print pictures for our history. and amy was supposed to be home sometime that day. and then she tells me that she can't come home because her gram hurt her knee, her pap was at his sons for the weekend, and her mom wouldn't come get her. so okay.. i was screwed over. so i had to call my mom and have her come get me- which she is so pissed off because she was on her way to pittsburgh for the night.
today- i'm just lounging around the house actually LOOKING for pictures for our history project. jim should be here sometime tonight; he's going to see his brother in the hospital..
yeah, kelly and i are tired of getting fucked over.. huh kelly?
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2004 6 March :: 11.38pm
:: Mood: pissed off
you should never cry over spilt milk. unless of course, you are stranded on a deserted island and a magical genie shows up and offers you a lifetime of pleasure, fame, and fortune in exchange for your last glass of milk and you leap with glee and nearly spill your milk, then after you sigh in relief that it hasn't spilled, you step on a clam shell and drop the glass, causing the genie to disappear and leaving you to live out your days on a diet of coconuts and dead seagulls.
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2004 1 March :: 7.52pm
:: Mood: worried
:: Music: fingereleven - bones and joints
i actually had a pretty good weekend..
friday- went to jims around 5 or so. his mom got home around 6:30, we watched out cold together, jims mom thought it was so funny.. =D so then a little later we ordered from kuzins- jim & i drove up to get it. we ate then i went up amys around 9:30.
saturday- i woke up around 10:30. didn't get ahold of jim til around 12 or so? i went down his house from about 4 til 8 or something. amy had to go to the hospital to work or whatever. so we just chilled at his house. later that night jim amy & i took a ride out to bentlyville to subway- then we drove around cokeburg til around 10 or so. we had so much fun- haha. that was a good night
sunday- bad day.. huh jim?
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2004 25 February :: 11.03am
happy birthday jim, love you so much sweetie! :-D
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2004 20 February :: 7.21pm
:: Mood: drained
i'm at jims house right now, i'm going to rochelles later tonight though.
happy birthday amy. love you!
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2004 14 February :: 9.38pm
:: Mood: depressed
my pap died today.
..happy valentines day
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2004 12 February :: 8.26pm
:: Mood: lonely
:: Music: finding nemo on dvd
i didn't go to school today, i felt/feel like shit. i stayed up my aunts came down the house around 6:00 a.m. i went back to sleep until 6:30 [i catch the bus at 6:45] and then i woke up and just told me mom that i wanted to stay home. so she let me.. and i didn't do anything all day except go on the computer and eat soup. blah.
my aunt bettys being layed out tonight and tomorrow. my mom wanted me to go tonight- but i told her i didn't want to because i'm sick, and just don't feel like doing anything. so i'm going probably tomorrow night. i don't know, i hate those things.. :(
my paps heart rate was only 27 today.. but my aunt said it goes up and down all the time, but this is the lowest it's ever been. my gram called her son [my uncle dave] he lives in flordia. she told him that he better come up to see him.. which means he's not doing well at all. it's kinda scary to sit and watch him like that, and not be able to do anything. everyones always crying- and so am i. i know everyone has to die sometime, but it's too soon. it's too soon.
i don't think i'm going to go to amys, jims or rochelles this weekend. i don't know yet- i guess i'll see how things go with everything. i don't want to leave my pap right now.
i wish jim was here with me. i need someones shoulder to cry on..
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2004 11 February :: 7.16pm
:: Mood: upset
my aunt betty died a couple days ago. her funeral is tomorrow and the next day i think.
my pap isn't doing well. he got back from the hospital last night- they put him on morphine pills to help him breath. his heart is so weak that it's hurting him to breath.. and they're only giving him a couple days i guess. but we'll see how things go..
todays my sister annas birthday. happy birthday anna. we're going up my aunts to have a little party for her so my gram and pap don't have to come down here. it's to hard for them.
no school friday. inservice day.
the staind concert was good, i had fun. i called jim and talked to him for about 5 minutes. and what people get mad over these days. i just laugh cause it's so trivial. amy and i didn't really even sit by each other. her mom sat between us so she could lean back. amy was talking to some guy anyways. we got home fairly early, and i went to bed cause i was a little sick and really tired. i called rochelle like 5 times and left her messages of staind playing on stage.
the guy from try again homes came to get an update from me again. he said "your attendance is good, but it looks like your grades went down in a lot of your classes." i was just like "yeah, i'm trying harder now" stupid people- stay out of my life. i'm fine.
everytime i call jim it's either busy, or no one answers. he said he'd come to annas party- but no- of course not.
thursday after school i'm going to amys to do our history project and staying til friday. later friday i'm going to jims and staying if his moms home, then saturday i'm going to rochelles, and coming home sunday night probably. valentines day is saturday. :) i got jim something cute.. i love his card i got him to.
my sister sams been sick, she went to the doctors the other day. now i'm getting sick. i think i have strep throat.. but i don't know if i really do or not. all i know is that i feel like shit.
oh, i was talking to doug [my cousin] up aunt loraines, and he said that he might be able to get a job for jim working with him in pittsburgh. that'd be great. buuuuuuuut- georges son matt and his friend dusty [doug got them a job there to] didn't come to work half the time, and didn't actually work when they were there.. so dougs boss might not want someone else that doug recommends. but i really hope they need someone else, and do hire jim. that'd be great for him.
thats all i can think of. that was a long entry.
xx.jena
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2004 9 February :: 6.05pm
Today is my birthday!!!
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2004 9 February :: 10.57am
:: Mood: bouncy
yeah, i'm in school. jim went home last night, and i went to amys. right now i'm talking to nichole and becky. nothing is really going on, it's quite boring anymore.
1st period was boring, so was 2nd, 3rd we didn't even do anything.. and this period i actually did my work. and i'm almost done. yeah thats good.
going to history next..
later tonight is the staind & three days grace concert with amy! woohoo. can't wait.
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2004 6 February :: 5.44pm
:: Mood: hopeful
:: Music: staind - outside
"all the times that i felt insecure, for you. and i leave the burdens at the door. but i'm on the outside, and i'm looking in. i can see through you, see your true colors. inside you're ugly.. ugly like me."
i haven't been doing anything really, going to school coming home being with jim. [he's been at my house for about 2 weeks] going on the internet less and less. i dunno why, i guess cause jim's here and he keeps me occupied.
i got my report card.. english-74%, global studies-60% u.s. history-70% science-83% algebra-88%, advanced word processing-88%, child development-97%, health-65%. hip hip hooray?
anyways, i've been going up my aunt loraines a lot to visit them and my gram/pap. my pap still isn't doing well. i think my aunt said his pulse is only 32, and usually people don't live when it's under 50 or something along that lines. i forget what she said exactly. her and my uncle went to lancaster for their anniversary. they'll be home late tomorrow.
i think jim's going home tonight- i'm staying here til sunday then going to amys. we're going to school monday and her mom is picking us up and taking us to a Staind concert. [[i promise you jim that i won't do that. i swear on your life, and mine.]] so i'll tell everyone how that went after i come back.
i'm "getting involved" in school.. oh joy.
thats all i have for now.
xx.jena
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2004 4 February :: 9.02pm
Ashhhy and I's conversation
BaByBCuTe34: haha no
Shanon Jensen: fine =[
Shanon Jensen: mommy...
Shanon Jensen: where do babies come from?
BaByBCuTe34: haha uuuhh..
BaByBCuTe34: storks :-D
Shanon Jensen: really??? chelseas mommy and daddy just had sex!
BaByBCuTe34: haha
BaByBCuTe34: eww
Shanon Jensen: how do the storks bring the babies?
Shanon Jensen: do you have to buy the babies first?
BaByBCuTe34: umm.
BaByBCuTe34: iiii dont know..
Shanon Jensen: what if you get an ugly baby?
Shanon Jensen: can you send it back?
BaByBCuTe34: no
Shanon Jensen: because grandma shouldve sent you back...
Shanon Jensen: im jk mommy youre sexy
BaByBCuTe34: hahaha
Shanon Jensen: if some random person read our conversation they would be thinking something f-ed up right about now
BaByBCuTe34: haahhahaha
BaByBCuTe34: yeah i know
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2004 27 January :: 8.24pm
:: Mood: sick
:: Music: some stupid shit
my birthday
todays my birthday. :)
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2004 20 January :: 8.38pm
:: Mood: aggravated
:: Music: fingereleven - bones and joints
people can go shit themselves.
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2004 18 January :: 11.10am
:: Mood: blah
:: Music: nickleback - figure you out.
..i think thats the name of the song. who cares.
i sat here for about 20 minutes staring at the wall thinking about stuff. everythings always so dramatized. always.
examples:
-my birthday party last year when amy said that jim tried to hit her
-car accidents.. *cough*
-things in school
-people being "pregnant"
-me yelling at jim for nothing
and i also thought about how i love being in drama, i live for it. when nothing is going on, i make something go on.
i think i need to stop that.
but-- if i stop that, what will i do?
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2004 15 January :: 7.28pm
:: Mood: poop
:: Music: switchfoot - ment to live
i guess my sister anna took my money. i got it back, and yeah.. it took us like an hour to get sam & anna to tell who took it. anna made sam not tell, but in the end "annd needed to talk to sam".. anna came out and confessed that she took it. yeah- i'm still missing a couple dollars though. my mom told me she'd just give it to me.
we got our algebra report grades back, we got a 99%. or in points we got 129/130. whoa, i really didn't expect to get that good of a grade, but i'm happy with it.
i also got Alex [the baby in child development] today, i got 100%, or in points a 50/50. oh yeah- i'm such a good mother. i have it with me right now, taking it home for 10 bonus points.. but i don't think i'll get them, because my cousins boyfriend hit the baby in the head.. err. dumby. i almost started crying though, i was so upset.
jim still hasn't called me.. i don't understand. i tried to call his dads and no one answers. if he is at home [since his fone is disconnected] why can't he walk to someones house and call me? i don't understand..
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