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xsilentxsuicidex

:: 2005 15 March :: 7.55pm
:: Mood: Crushed.
:: Music: Killswitch Engage- End of Heartache

*sigh*
So nothing can just go fucking accordingly...

I feel like complete shit.

First off, apparently John's not coming. I was really looking forward to seeing him, too.

Secondly, my paranoia just keeps getting worse. I keep seeing signs. I keep learning more that I'm not sure if I want to know. I hate people I've never even met... I've just been having violent thoughts. *sigh* ...Bad thoughts, too... It's really hard, him being so far away and all... My mind just tends to make up little scenarios that might happen. It hurts a lot. I hate it.

And third on the list, some girl wants to fight me. She is really obsessed with Jesse. She writes him notes all the time, and takes pictures of him and stuff... And it bothers him. So, people went around telling her that Jesse was my boyfriend and that I wanted her to lay off... So yeah... That got me in a bunch of shit. I'm somewhat scared. I've never really fought anyone before. So yeah. A few lies, and here I am getting threatened.

Mr. Riel just gets worse and worse as the performance becomes closer... He's having after school rehersals until 5. -.-;; He keeps yelling at us. I swear, if he singles me out one more time, I'll probably end up just walking out. *sigh* I'm just having to deal with a lot of stress right now.

It hurts to find myself becoming less and less important in people's lives. It really, really hurts... *sigh* I can feel it all start slipping, I think I'm breaking down...

Seek me, call me... I'll be waiting for the end of my broken heart.

I love you, John... And you have no earthly idea as to how much I miss you.

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xsilentxsuicidex

:: 2005 14 March :: 7.43pm

...Two months.

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xsilentxsuicidex

:: 2005 12 March :: 8.16pm
:: Mood: :)
:: Music: Trapt- Echo

*sigh*
Well, I was on the phone with John for a while... And I was getting ready to go to Tommy's to hear his one-man-band play... So I had to get off the phone, because my dad was yelling at me. We're not even going anymore because our ride got fucked, and no one else showed, so he cancelled it. -_-; So yeah, it sucks...

But, regardless, I was really glad I got to talk to John. ^_^

He can always make me laugh... =)

Now that I don't get to talk to him on the phone nearly as much, everytime I get done talking to him, I get this happy, floaty feeling. It's weird, but I like it. :D

I love you, John. ^^;

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xsilentxsuicidex

:: 2005 11 March :: 8.43am

Happy Birthday, Keely!!

PS- I love you, John.

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xsilentxsuicidex

:: 2005 10 March :: 1.23pm

Well I just woke up a little while ago, I'm about to go to my grandma's house... =/

I had an awful dream last night... And I guess I can get into it with no one's feelings getting hurt, because I doubt anyone will read it... (But yeah now since I've said that, I'm sure someone'll read it... -_-)

But, it started off as a pretty good dream... John was coming down for Spring Break... But then it turned out to where I would only get to see him one time. Regardless, I was still happy that I'd get to see him. Over the course of a few days, I was so excited that I was finally going to get to see him... And when it came to the day when I was supposed to see him, he didn't show. I waited and waited, and he just didn't show up... I found out later that he was out somewhere getting high. That dream... Wow, it hurt really, really bad for a dream.

I'm just tired of losing people to drugs and alcohol...

I did a dumb thing today. I went back and looked over past journal entries. I can see the change. I can see that I'm becoming less and less important, and it hurts... It hurts really bad... But maybe I'm overexaggerating... Maybe I'm just blowing it all out of proportion.

I'm so selfish.
Gomen nasai.
---
Well it's love, make it hurt.

The end.

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xsilentxsuicidex

:: 2005 10 March :: 3.45am
:: Mood: Torn...
:: Music: The Killers- Mr. Brightside

Jealousy, turning saints into the sea...
So I'm not really sure why I just sit here... Caring so damn much about people, knowing I obviously don't mean too much to them.

I mean, every day, I walk on eggshells, trying to make sure I don't do anything to upset anyone... And whenever someone does something to upset me, I just let it slide by. As I'm sure I have said before, I'm just too fucking forgiving.

I don't know why all of this hurts so much...

I'm not sure why the little things upset me, either.

I'm just really fragile... And so much shit has happened lately... I just don't know how to deal with it really. I'm sure I'm not really making sense, but this is all just what's coming to my mind...

I'm so scared, since he's so far away... Some perfect girl is just going to walk into his life and sweep him off his feet... And he'll go back to his old lifestyle... And I'll just fade into nothnig and be forgotten.

I don't know why it bothers me so much... The things he does... (Or used to do, moreso...) It makes him happy, but it fucking tears me apart... I just don't want him to fall apart.

I don't want us to fall apart.

I love him so much... And this just keeps getting harder and harder.


Living my life's not hard enough. Take everything away.


It just goes to show, things can't go right.

The End.

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xsilentxsuicidex

:: 2005 9 March :: 12.01am
:: Mood: :/
:: Music: Disturbed- Prayer

Let me enlighten you, this is the way I pray.
Meh... Keely and Aisha are here. That makes me happy...

But I feel kinda down... I'm not sure why, really... Actually, I'm pretty sure I know why, but I don't want to say, because it's really dumb and selfish...

:/ I miss John so much... It sucks.

I guess that's just life for you.

I love you, sweetheart...
If you even read this anymore...

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xsilentxsuicidex

:: 2005 8 March :: 9.39pm

Oh I wish Spring Break could've been later on... ):

Meh.

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xsilentxsuicidex

:: 2005 5 March :: 8.59pm
:: Mood: Sleepeh...
:: Music: Sugarcult- Pretty Girl

Man you gon' getta brain freeze!
So, I guess it has been an okay weekend so far.

After school yesterday, Aisha came over, and we hung out for a while... Then we went over to her house for Keely's birthday party, which wasn't too good. There were quite a few people who I don't like there... (Whom I won't mention, because I am not sure who reads this anymore... Apparently, more people than I think.) But, yeah... Andrew Hadden is one cool kid. He is totally coming to my birthday party. He's funny... And he gives really good presents. (That is not supposed to be taken the wrong way, either.) I spent the night with them... Then, this morning, we came back to my house... We went to the mall... A little black kid made my day. ^_^ ...Hung out with Randy and Stef some. It was much fun. Played some DDR. (Oh yeah, sk1lz.) And now Keely and Aisha are spending the night... So yeah, I'll update later. I'm trying to get out of church in the morning... But I missed last week, so I doubt it. ): *sniffle*

Later.

<333The Almighty Dana

PS-- I miss John. ):

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xsilentxsuicidex

:: 2005 2 March :: 11.30pm

Cheering up... To protect my ass.

Man, I love John. XD

"If there is at least one person in your life whom you consider a close friend, have a crush on, wish would fall madly in love with you, or you're already madly in love with, whom you would not have met without the internet, post this sentence in your journal."

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xsilentxsuicidex

:: 2005 1 March :: 4.50pm
:: Music: Crossfade- So Far Away

Now I'm blaming you for everything...
So it seems when I try to get a point across, I always hurt someone's feelings.

And it feels like I'm always either getting blamed for something, or letting someone else take the blame for my own actions.

I've been pretty bitter lately. I'm not sure why. I'm trying to stop. I don't like it at all. It's not very becoming of me.

All the teachers have ended grades for the marking period... Even though report cards don't come out until the 21st.

I think I'm doing all right, though.

I'm so immature...
But very mature at the same time.
I am an awful procrastinator...
But I get things done last minute. I work pretty well under pressure.
I love cold weather...
But hate the wind.
I get hurt easily...
But I hurt people easily, too.

I have my ups and downs... I just feel like... I'm less of a person than everyone else. I'm not sure why.

My moods flucate a lot, and they change from extremes. There's no grey area, really. Just happy or sad. Then there's times like right now... When I feel too tired to even think of which emotion I'm feeling.

...No one reads this anymore.
People don't really talk to me anymore;
Few people really even care anymore...
Thus is life.

The end.

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xsilentxsuicidex

:: 2005 28 February :: 7.21pm

I miss you...

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xsilentxsuicidex

:: 2005 27 February :: 3.35pm

I think I'm drifting away from the people I really need...
I don't know what's wrong with me... I'm going to cry again. I'm so hateful and mean, and I don't even realize it when I'm doing it.

I keep taking things the wrong way, or too seriously. I've been so bitter and mean to people... People that I love and care for. I don't know why. I hate it, but I do it anyways...

I feel like I'm losing my friends again. I've lost quite a few friends recently... I mean, I have a lot of people who I call friends, but only a few are actually really good friends...

I feel like I'm losing Keely. All she talks about is Avalon... I bet the one time I write about her in here, she'll read it. I don't know. We never really talk... and when I see her she ignores me a lot... At least, it feels like that anyways.

I'm noticing John changing. I still love him so much... But we don't talk as much anymore. It sucks. I just miss him so much... I miss hearing his voice every night... I miss just being able to see him. Meh.

The only two people I really talk to a lot on a daily basis are Randy and Aisha. Two people, who last year, I would have never considered "best friends". I'll probably end up doing something to mess all of this up, though. I don't know what, or how, but I probably will. I feel like I'm going to lose all of them. John, Keely, Aisha, Randy... Everyone.

I'm just in one of my moods... I'll probably end up deleting this later... But I felt the need to get it down somewhere. So here it is in my journal.

...The end.

PS- I unfortunately cannot say this is the first time an Xbox has come before me.

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xsilentxsuicidex

:: 2005 26 February :: 7.47pm
:: Mood: Paranoid.
:: Music: Disturbed- Prayer

Let me enlighten you...
Today was... Long. *sigh* And, I want to go to Ralph's freaking party, but I don't know where his house is. Oh well.

Woke up at 6, got to Roland Grise by 7, then got on a bus for three hours. XD We stopped at McDonalds for breakfast, and we were all dressed up. People were looking at us so weird. It was great. We got to the church, and sat around for a long time... We did random things to pass the time... Played bloody knuckles, slaps, cards... And yelled at black people. (: But they didn't know we were yelling at them. It was great. XD

Went in. I was so nervous for my solo, even though it was really short. That judge was intimidating. I went kinda sharp near the end, but no one else said they noticed it. I couldn't feel my toes.

It was weird. For some reason, I kept thinking I was going to die today... Do any of you ever get that feeling? It sucks. o_o

Funny bathroom experiences:

(At McDonalds)
Me: *walks in bathroom*
Hispanic ladies: *look at me, then start speaking Spanish*
Me: *stares at them, turns around, and walks away.*
---------------------------
(At Golden Corral)
Me: *walks in bathroom*
Girl 1: Who's in here?
Girl 2: Me.
Girl 3: Me too.
Me: *stays quiet*
Girl 1: Julie, are you taking a dump?
Girl 3: Yeah.
Girl 1: Me too. Will you wait for me if you finish first?
Girl 2: *walks out* You guys, be quiet, there's someone in here!
Me: *leaves bathroom*
---------------------------

I was trying to sleep on the bus, and Nick kept peeking over the seat. "Do you want to listen to some British rap?" That stuff is the junk. XD It's soo funny. Nick is funny as Hell man. He kept asking all the little kids if they jack off. They were all like "EWW MAN THAT'S SICK! OF COURSE I DON'T! (=

Well I think I'll end this entry here. Later.

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xsilentxsuicidex

:: 2005 24 February :: 5.01pm
:: Mood: Eh.
:: Music: All American Rejects- Swing Swing

Boredom.
W means yes. V is sort of, or half.

Have you ever...
[v] been drunk.
[ ] smoked pot.
[w] kissed a member of the opposite sex.
[w] rode in a taxi.
[ ] been dumped.
[v] shoplifted.
[ ] been fired.
[v] been in a fist fight.
[ ] had sex.
[ ] had a threesome - kissing or otherwise
[w] snuck out of your parent's house.
[ ] been arrested.
[ ] made out with a stranger.
[v] stole something from your job.
[ ] celebrated new years in times square.
[ ] went on a blind date.
[w] lied to a friend.
[ ] had a crush on a teacher.
[ ] celebrated mardi-gras in new orleans.
[ ] been to europe.
[w] skipped school.
[ ] thrown up from drinking.
[v] lost your sibling.
[w] played 'clue'.
[w] had a sleepover party.
[w] went ice skating.
[ ] cheated on a bf/gf.
[v] been cheated on.
[ ] had a sweet sixteen.
[ ] had a quinceanera.
[ ] had a car
[w] drove.


Do you...
[w] have a bf.
[ ] have a gf.
[ ] have a crush.
[w] feel loved.
[w] feel lonely.
[ ] feel happy.
[v] hate yourself.
[ ] think youre attractive.
[w] have a dog.
[w] have your own room.
[v] listen to rap.
[w] listen to rock.
[ ] listen to soul.
[v] listen to techno.
[v] listen to reggae.
[v] paint your nails.
[v] have more than 1 best friend.
[v] get good grades.
[ ] play an instrument.
[w] have slippers.
[v] wear boxers. (--to bed)
[w] wear black eyeliner.
[w] like the color blue.
[v] like the color yellow.
[v] like to read
[w] like to write.
[v] have long hair.
[ ] have short hair.
[w] have a cell phone.
[ ] have a laptop.
[ ] have a pager.

Are you...
[v] ugly.
[ ] pretty.
[v] ok.
[w] bored.
[ ] happy.
[v] bilingual.
[w] white.
[ ] black.
[ ] mexican.
[v] asian.
[ ] short.
[w] tall.
[ ] grounded.
[v] sick.
[w] a virgin.
[w] lazy.
[ ] single.
[w] taken.
[ ] looking.
[ ] not looking.
[w] talking to someone.
[w] IMing someone.
[ ] scared to die.
[w] tired.
[w] sleepy.
[v] annoyed.
[ ] hungry.
[ ] thirsty.
[w] on the phone.
[ ] in your room.
[v] drinking something.
[ ] eating something.
[ ] in your pjs.
[v] ticklish.
[ ] listening to music.
[ ] homophobic.
[v] racist.((sometimes))



The last
-person you hugged: Aisha
-person you called: Jesse
-person who called you: Renee
-thing you touched: Cream Soda Bottle.
-book you read: currently- The Diary of Anne Frank.
-magazine you bought: ...Not sure.
-place you went to: Eckerds.
-person who said ‘I love you': Either John, Aisha, or Marcus.
-perfume you sprayed: Victoria's Secret- Divine
-thing you ate: A sammich.
-drink you drank: Cream Soda.
-flower you picked: ...
-movie you rented: Harold and Kumar go to White Castle.
-letter you typed: "e"
-word you said: "That"
-person on your mind: John.
-place where you slept: In the gym on the mats. XD
-animal you touched: Doggy. :)
-time you cried: Monday night.

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